Betrayal
by Chedea
Summary: Fate pushes Bella into a tangle of an arranged marriage, an affair, werewolves, vampires, deceit, loss, pain, but most of all love. Does love really over come all obstacles or are some things simply not meant to be? Can Bella take fate into her own hands
1. First Encounters

So, hi guys. I'm sure youre thinking, why Chedea, dont you have a story that you havent updated in like 39,398,346,734 years? What are you doing starting a new one? well, dont worry, the next chapter is coming out for Restraint soon. this was just a new one that I got the idea for this morning. Other than that I hope you enjoy and I'll be sure to get the next chapter up soon :).

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"Come now, Bella, please stop being so petulant," my father said slowly, trying to coax me from my sulking. But I would not be so easily swayed. I could not believe he had done this to me, that I was in this place and he was _leaving_ me behind like I was a forgotten toy. 

"I am not being petulant," I retorted, glaring at him as I sat on the bed, plush and charming with its promised comfort. Still I would not stay my anger. My father gave me a knowing look and sighed.

"Bella, you are a woman now and that means that―"

"I am capable of making my own choices!" I interjected forcefully.

"—It would be improper for you to be unmarried much longer. I don't see why you are complaining about this match. He is no blacksmith or peasant. He lives in a palace by God, you should be grateful!" he shouted, his impatience showing. I would not cave. I was not going to pretend to be happy about this just to satisfy his guilty conscience. If he felt guilt over giving away his only child to someone he knew did not love her and she certainly did not care for. I had never even met him! The day I moved into his home—the massive palace he called his home—I was to meet him. I shuddered at the thought.

"Why can't you understand that this is the way it has to be?" he asked.

"Why cant you understand that this isn't the life I want?" I replied. He shook his head, as though he was giving up. We had been fighting about this for weeks now. As soon as I turned eighteen my father had been weeding through suitors. There had been a little more than a handful as I had been secretly pleased and quite surprised to find. I was looking forward to meeting them, spending time with them, falling in love. But I was told less than two weeks after my birthday that my father had found the man I was going to marry.

I had thrown a fit then. I was not one to make a scene or cause trouble, especially not for my father. But when he told me I was going to marry a man I had never met, let alone that I loved or cared for in the least, I was furious. I shouted, screamed at him that he could not force me, all the while knowing that he could. I refused to speak to him for three days, after which I begged, pleaded, bargained in any way I could to get him to let me stay.

But he had already given his answer to the suitor. I was already promised to a man. There was nothing he could do even if he wanted to. If he rescinded his acceptance he and I could both be killed. He had sealed my fate.

"Will you at least give him a chance?" he inquired.

"Yes, I will give him a chance. But even if he is the kindest, most wonderful man in the world, I know that I will never fully forgive or forget that he was so willing to take my hand in marriage without knowing who I am or what I want."

My father sighed once more.

"Will you ever forgive _me_?" he asked. I smiled weakly at him. The truth was I had already forgiven him. He was only doing what he thought was right. I could not be angry with him for that.

"Of course I will forgive you. I just wish things were different," I said softly. He smiled back at me. So did he. But before either of us could make apologies there was a light tapping at my door. I looked at my father for a moment, forgetting it was my room and that I needed to grant entrance. Finally I called for whomever it was to come in.

A delightfully plump little woman entered the room and bowed gracefully. I felt my stomach turn as I was reminded of my current status. But I smiled at her slightly.

"Master Jacob would like to see you, my lady," she said in a quiet, high-pitched voice. I nodded and stood. I glanced at my father who came to my side and we began to walk, following in the footsteps of the little woman. Each step made me feel ill. What if he was wretched? What if he was cruel or harsh or disgusting? What would I do if the man I was supposed to marry was horrible to me? Could I live through that?

We neared large oak doors; so massive it took two men to open a single one. They began pushing at a single massive wooden panel as soon as they saw us walking toward them. With every inch of the hall behind that was revealed I felt myself weaken. But only on the inside. I would not show weakness here, not in front of my father, or this man or any of the court that would see me.

The timing was perfect, so that the door was fully open enough to fit both my father and I through at the same time. I wasn't sure I would have made it through any other way. I had taken his arm on the way down. It would appear that I was just being ladylike, but in truth I knew I was going to need the physical support from him.

When we crossed the threshold the little woman we had been following disappeared. But the path we were to take was obvious. We walked right into the middle of the floor, being watched by several guards that had gathered. I didn't like the idea that people had come to see me but that was last on my list of worries for the moment.

When we were before the dais upon which the room was focused a man dressed in all white stepped forward. Was this my husband to be? But as soon as he opened his mouth I was assured he was not.

"Greetings, Isabella," he said. Before he had even finished speaking a figure began to emerge from the shadowy depths behind him.

The man that stepped forward was a giant. He towered over me by at least a foot, if not more. He had broad shoulders, covered by the finest clothing I had ever seen. But his face was the thing that I could not look away from. His skin was all lightly tanned, his eyes were almost black, matching the hair that hung plaited down his back. He looked gentle, in spite of his large stature. He descended the single step between the general floor and the dais and without a single moment of hesitation took my hand in his and kissed the back of it.

I felt my face light up with a burning blush. No one had ever been so forward. I didn't know what to do with such blatant affection. So I smiled. He grinned back, clearly pleased with himself. I looked up to my father. He was stoic. I was sure to hear his thoughts on this later. But for now he was not reacting.

"Jacob Black, at your service, Isabella," he said couteously. I smiled wanly. "You are so lovely," Jacob continued, his voice like a rumble of distant thunder. I smiled again.

"Thank you," I replied, unable to think of anything else.

"Perhaps we should go somewhere where we are not being observed," he suggested. I nodded, not trusting my tongue with words. With such confidence he removed me from my father's side and took my arm. I had to hurry to match his swift pace as he led me away from the large hall and into something more private. I cast a look behind me to my father, who was staring after me, almost as if I was already gone. To him it was possible that I already was. After this moment I did not know when I would see him. He would return home and could surely visit when he wanted. I was just unsure of when that would be.

The room Jacob brought us to was a sitting room, in which a roaring fire was already burning. An older man was sitting in a large wing backed chair by a fire. He turned to see us as we entered the room and cast a questioning look at Jacob.

"Who is this?" he asked quickly. Jacob looked down at me—quite literally—and smiled.

"Isabella, the woman I told you about. Isabella, this is my father," he said politely. I nodded his direction, bowing my head in respect. Jacob released me then and sat on a chaise by the fire, gesturing for me to find a seat myself. I did so as gracefully as possible. Which meant that I stumbled into my seat rather than actually sitting down. Jacob's eyes shown with wolfish amusement as he watched me, but I ignored it.

"How are you enjoying your accommodations, Isabella?" Jacob's father asked.

"They are perfectly pleasant, thank you. And please, call me Bella," I responded with every social grace I could muster. His father laughed.

"Very well, Bella. You may call me Billy, if it pleases you."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Billy."

He grinned again and looked at his son, who was yet to lose the victorious grin. He wasn't a bad looking man, but regardless of how he looked, I was more interested in him as a person. I was going to marry him. There was nothing I could do about it. I only prayed that I was lucky enough to have been betrothed to a man that would treat me well.

"So tell us about yourself, Bella. My son seems to have forgotten all his manners. I'm sure you would like to know about each other," Billy said with amusement.

"Oh certainly. Well, my father raised me. My mother died when I was very young, soon after childbirth. It has been just he and I for a long time. But now that I am eighteen he thought it appropriate that I get engaged and so, here I am," I said. I didn't want to babble on unnecessarily. Both Billy and Jacob seemed as though they were expecting more from me, but I didn't feel particularly inclined to share every detail of my life story at that moment. These things took time.

"Strange, my mother died when I was young as well. But my father has looked out for me my whole life. Now it is my turn. You see my father―"

"Jacob, there is no need to pester the girl with trivial details of my life," his father interrupted. And even though his words seemed friendly, his tone was serious. He was not to continue. There was a moment of tense silence.

"What does your father do?" Jacob asked to end the strain of the moment.

"He is the sheriff—collects taxes and enforces the laws. He is an honorable man," I said.

"And he has raised a charming daughter," Jacob replied. I blushed again.

"You should stop saying such things, my ego might inflate beyond control," I warned him. He laughed as did his father, and for a moment, I forgot where I was and why. There was only laughter, only a feeling of camaraderie.

Before any more words could be spoken there was a sharp knock on the door, followed by the entrance of a pair of people, followed by two others. The first pair was a man and woman, holding hands. The man was tall and tanned just like Jacob; the woman was pale and beautiful. The pair behind them was two more men. All of them were clearly familiar with Jacob and his father.

"Ah, my friends, I see you've come to meet Bella," Jacob said. "Bella the lovely woman you see is Emily, and her husband Sam. The two buffoons behind them are Quil and Embry. They are all good friends of mine. Everyone, this is Bella."

I smiled as brightly as I could manage at the group that had entered and they all greeted me the same.

"Its delightful to meet you, Bella. Maybe I will finally have another woman to talk to," she said. Her voice was so friendly I could not help but respond with an automatic yes. She grinned and then turned to say something to Sam. On the side of her face was a set of slashes, horrific scars that marred her gorgeous face. I was taken aback but said nothing. Jacob noticed my face and nodded but said nothing. Talk broke out amongst the group of friends as they all found a place to sit and enjoyed each other's company.

Yet in the middle of this group of familiarity and affection, I was the odd one out. It was clear that Jacob would try to include me in the conversation or pay attention to me, but I had nothing to say. They spoke of things I did not understand. I appreciated his effort but it was going to be lost on me.

Billy sat quietly back and watched all of this go on. A few hours passed of friendly conversation and banter before Jacob's father confessed fatigue. Jacob rose to help him, at which point he immediately told him to sit down. He was a proud man, and I could respect that about him. I wondered what of his character he had passed to his son.

After Billy left a few more of Jacob's comrades joined us, two more men named Paul and Jared. He seemed to have so many people he loved. His family might have been limited to his father, but he had so many friends that seemed like family I was sure it hardly bothered him. It grew late with the group of people. They seemed so easy together. And for those hours I wanted nothing more than to sit with them and enjoy that company. And I did. Until the hour grew so late and they disbanded to their separate places.

"Shall I escort you to your room?" Jacob asked when everyone had gone. I nodded and yawned, as though to punctuate this point. We walked in together not talking or touching. He found his way through the winding halls faster and with more ease than I could have ever managed on my own.

"This is where I leave you," he told me as we stood before my door. I smiled and thanked him for the escort. Before any more could be spoken I disappeared within my quarters.

I sat on my bed without undressing for a long time. This seemed so relaxed and friendly, and Jacob seemed wonderful. But I could not help the resentment I still felt. I sat around thinking, I got up and paced, I wore myself ragged with my unfailingly maddening thoughts until I was tired and parched.

So I quietly left my room to find a bathroom or the kitchen where I could get a drink of water. I wandered for a few minutes before I heard talking, low voices beginning to rise. It sounded like an argument.

"I wont have him here, father. I simply won't. Sam doesn't like the idea and neither do I. We can find another doctor," Jacob said. There was no mistaking his deep voice.

"He is the best doctor we have and you know this. Do you think I like the idea of him in my home any better than you do? I certainly do not. But I can't leave to go to him any longer. You know this. I understand your discomfort, but there is nothing we can do, Jacob."

Their voices then dropped so low I could not hear them. I stood in the hall or a moment, unable to move. Who were they talking about? And why did Billy need a doctor? Even though I was still thirsty I made my way back to my room without finding refreshment. I did not want to risk being seen or heard.

As I slept I found no relief from my questions. My dreams were full of mysteries and frightening images. I was happy to wake.

That day Jacob needed to go talk to someone in town. He asked if I would like to go along and even though what I had overheard the night before made me nervous, I went with him. We spent the ride there talking of our lives. It seemed as though we were going to become fast friends. He was easy to talk to and seemed very relaxed. I had been expecting some pompous, tightly wound man and was given instead the down to earth Jacob.

We walked about town for a while, in search of the person Jacob needed. We eventually ended at a small shop I had never been inside before. I didn't know whom it was that we were trying to find, but Jacob stiffened as the door opened so it was apparent he was not happy about it.

Inside the shop were jars upon jars of things that I did not recognize. Before I was able to ask Jacob what we were doing in this strange shop, a man appeared from the back. He looked young, late twenties perhaps. He had blonde hair and ocher colored eyes and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He looked surprised to see Jacob there but looked to me with a kind smile.

"Jacob, this is quite a surprise, what can I help you with?" he asked. His voice was like velvet, smooth and rich. I was drowning in the sound as each syllable sounded.

"Dr. Cullen, my father is not well enough to come to you any longer. He dose not think it would be wise for him to leave the house. But perhaps you would be so gracious you could…come to our home to treat him," Jacob said, his voice sounding more displeased with every word.

"You are sure that is the most sensible course of action?" he asked, even more surprised than he had been before. Jacob sighed.

"That is what my father wishes, that is what I came to ask. If you do not think you would be able to, for any reason at all, please say so and we will find another doctor."

"No, not at all. It will not be a problem. I will do whatever is necessary to care for your father. I only ask if you would mind if I bring my new son with me. He is training to be a doctor and I think he is ready to come for a hands on case."

Jacob said he didn't mind at all. Without another word Dr. Cullen disappeared into the back again to retrieve his son and his medical supplies as far as I could guess.

"Don't get too fixated. He's married," Jacob told me with a laugh. I hadn't realized how much I had been staring. I smiled weakly back at him and felt myself blush horribly. But the sound of approaching footsteps brought my attention back to where I was sure the doctor would be emerging any minute.

And he surely did, a black leather bag in hand. He smiled at me again and I managed a smile in return. Jacob only laughed at me again.

However he did not laugh when another man followed after Dr. Cullen. He was not beautiful in the same way Dr. Cullen was beautiful—in an unearthly, angelic way—but in a way that my mind could not put words on. He was tall and lithe, but my eyes could not move away from his face. Two emerald colored eyes looked back at me, the occasional lock of bronze hair interrupting his steady gaze. I was aware of my staring even as I did it. And yet I could not stop myself.

"Jacob, you know my son, Edward. However neither of us know this young woman," he trailed off and waited for either Jacob or I to finish.

"Bella, I'm Bella," I said quickly. Edward was walking toward us as all this was happening. And by the time I spoke my name he was close enough to touch. His hand took mine and planted a gossamer kiss upon my palm, his eyes never leaving mine. It gave me a shiver.

"A pleasure to meet you," I said quietly, hardly able to breathe. He smiled a beautifully crooked grin.

"The pleasure is all mine, Bella, I assure you," he replied, his voice like a song. Jacob gently put his hand on my arm and led me out the door, with the doctor and Edward trailing behind us. But even as I walked into the bright sunlight and through the whole ride home, I could only repeat his name in my mind. _Edward._ It was so lovely, old fashioned but fitting. I couldn't look at him again without making it exceedingly obvious what I was doing so I sat and thought about his pointed staring, his gentle kiss to my palm.

When we returned to my new home, Dr. Cullen and Edward followed Jacob to his father's room. I walked with them reluctantly, not sure what else I could do. At the door however, Jacob left me behind.

"Why don't you go find Emily? She seemed excited to speak with you yesterday, I'm sure you could find something to chat about for a while," he said kindly. I sighed and nodded.

"Edward, I think it would be best if you remained outside for a moment so I can speak with Billy and Jacob alone. I will call you in when we are ready," Dr. Cullen said. Edward nodded and cast a sidelong glance at me as I did the same to him. Jacob did not look pleased but entered his father's room regardless, followed quickly by the doctor.

There was a moment where neither Edward nor I knew what to do or say while we were alone.

"So you want to be a doctor?" I asked nonchalantly. Edward nodded.

"My father was a doctor and my mother was a nurse. But it didn't stop them from being killed when I was young. Carlisle has raised me. He is as much of a father to me as any other man could have been. I would like to follow in his footsteps."

His words sank into my skin as his eyes trained on mine. I nodded in response to his answer but remained silent myself.

"And what of you?" he asked. I laughed without humor. I did not know how to tell him what I was doing in this place with Jacob. I was too afraid to think it to myself let alone tell this man I had scarcely just met that I was to marry someone I did not know any better than I knew him.

"Bella?" he asked again.

"I'm eighteen now. My father wanted me to be accepted into society. In order for me to do that, I need to be married. And Jacob is…interested and capable of taking care of me. My father thought it would be a good match," I answered, hardly knowing where my words were coming from. A line formed between Edward's eyes, a wrinkle of worry on his angel face for me.

"So you must marry him."

I nodded.

"How long have you known him?" he asked.

"I met him yesterday," I replied. His face became completely incredulous.

"You don't know him, and yet you're going to marry him. What about love? Or choice? Or your life?" he asked. Again I laughed somberly.

"Those things are not as important as they should be."

"It is just that…my father—Carlisle—taught me about women, how to treat them with respect and about love and how important it is. I can't imagine a person _making_ you marry a man you don't love."

I looked up at him and smiled.

"Yes, well that would put you in the minority in this place."

"Oh I already am. We have been here a year already. My upbringing has put me at odds with many of your customs."

"Well where are you from?" I asked, curious what kind of place he was raised that clashed so severely with our practices.

"All over," he said with a grin. I sighed and rolled my eyes, but I was also smiling.

Before he spoke again he cocked his head to the side. When he looked back at me the smile in his eyes had faded.

"I think perhaps you should go now. Jacob will be out here in a moment with my father and I do not think it would be wise for us to be seen together alone," he said with a certainty I couldn't bring myself to question.

"Definately not," I agreed.

"Until the next time," Edward said, sounding so sure that there would be a next time. I nodded and looked at him for another moment, memorizing his face in case he was wrong. And then I walked away from the room in which my soon to be husband was with his dying father and the godlike doctor.

But mostly I left behind a man I wished I had met earlier. Maybe then I wouldn't be trapped in this marriage agreement that I had no say in, trapped in a life I never asked for, trapped in a fate I never wanted.

I didn't return to my room. I didn't know where to go or how to get there, so I wandered for a while. Eventually I was able to get to the same sitting room I had spent time in the day before. And even though there was no one with whom to spend my time, I was happy just to sit alone and read some of the many books upon the shelves. I spent hours there alone, trying to block out my thoughts with the words from the pages before me.

When Jacob finally found me it was far past dinner. I wasn't hungry anyway, even though he seemed to think I should eat anyway. He couldn't understand how a person could just not want to eat. When he asked I told him what I had done for the rest of the day, and that I had enjoyed the solitude.

As with the night before, he walked me to my door. But instead of just letting me go this time, he grabbed my arm the moment before I disappeared into my chambers.

"Bella, I know this isn't what you wanted for yourself. It isn't what you would have chosen. But please, give me a chance to make you happy," he entreated. I looked at him for a long time then, his large black eyes on his gentle, pleading face. I nodded without words and then he let me go.

I leaned against my closed door for a long moment before continuing on into my room, wondering what I had just agreed to and why. Was it because I really thought he could make me happy, or because he seemed so desperate to try? In the end it didn't matter, I had given him permission to do whatever he had in mind to satisfy me.

But before I could think much more on the subject, my eye was caught to something that was utterly out of place. There was something on my bed, something that did not belong there.

Upon my quilt lay a single red rose, in full bloom and gorgeous. I thought for a moment perhaps Jacob had been trying to charm me. And yet for some reason that struck me as all wrong.

It wasn't Jacob.

It was Edward.


	2. Accidents

I didn't dare mention the rose to anyone. I certainly couldn't risk asking Jacob if he was the one who gave it to me, and I was not about to ask someone else in case they brought up the subject to Jacob at any point. If it _was_ Edward who left it for me, I could only imagine his reaction if I told him about it. Jacob's severe reaction to Edward had not gone unnoticed, even if I was occupying myself with staring at his unnaturally gorgeous face. As much as he disliked the idea of Dr. Cullen in his house, and it was overtly obvious even if I hadn't overheard the conversation, he seemed to have as strong an aversion to Edward as he did to the doctor himself.

And after the way Edward had looked at me I could almost hear Jacob growl. He was already coveting me and I was not even his wife yet. I shuddered when that thought passed through my mind. The word _wife_ made me feel ill. So even though I barely slept that night, holding the rose and wondering what would motivate a man to give a woman a rose that he hardly knew, what that woman should do when she thinks she might be the object of pursuit by a man who is not her betrothed, and what her not yet husband would do if he ever found out. I worried myself in circles for hours at a time, always coming back to the fact that it was just a rose. No matter the intent behind the rose, it was just a flower. Even if that flower had come from a man to an engaged woman it shouldn't matter. I wasn't married yet, damn it; I could get flowers if I wanted to.

Which always brought me back to the question of whether or not I _wanted_ to get flowers from another man, specifically from Edward. And the answer was always yes.

So when the sun rose the next day and I finally felt as though I wouldn't look out of the ordinary if I were to be awake and walking around, I hid the rose in one of the drawers of my vanity and prayed there it would lay undiscovered.

And there it did lie without being disturbed except by me. Every day I spent time with Jacob and his father and his friends. I laughed and talked with them, bonded, shared time with Emily as the only two women who were there most of the time besides the women who cooked and cleaned. And Jacob tried his hardest to make me enjoy myself, and for the most part, I did. I ate well, had good company, access to a plethora of books if I wanted to read, a garden to walk in when I wanted to go outside and if I wanted to go into town, Jacob would gladly bring me. If I wanted time alone he was more than happy to respect that as well.

But every night I would open the drawer in my vanity and look at that single rose, that I was now certain Edward had somehow managed to leave for me. Jacob had never once hinted at leaving it for me. So there was no one else it could have been. And so as the rose faded and died, turning black as it dried out I spent my weeks living a life most people only dreamt of. I was comfortable, well taken care of, and there were people that genuinely cared for me. My father even made a point to stop out once a week.

But I didn't see Edward. It seemed as though after that first visit he did not return with Dr. Cullen. Even still if I saw Dr. Cullen there, I prayed that a step behind him I would see his charming son. But I never did. He always smiled at me, greeted me warmly, gave me a smile, and of course I responded in kind. But I always wanted to ask about his son. And of course I couldn't. I couldn't risk asking about something like that there, where someone could hear me. Not that I thought Dr. Cullen would ever tell anyone, but if a maid overheard, or Sam or Emily or one of the boys and then they told Jacob, I was unsure of the result.

He wasn't pushing for a date on the wedding yet, which gave me such relief. If I had to be planning a wedding and facing the reality of my engagement on a day-to-day basis, I was unsure my sanity could hold.

But with a strike of luck he had decided to hold off on the wedding for a while because he wanted to get to know me first. But I had an awful feeling that no matter how well we knew each other I would never feel the spark I would need to feel in order to love him. Of course it would be perfect if we managed to fall in love with each other and be a happy ending as so many were not in these situations. It would appear to some that we already were, that the weeks had brought us close, but that was not exactly true. We were friends of course; he was fast becoming the best friend I ever had. But in his friendship I found no need to be anything more. If there was anything like love for him it was as though he was my brother.

I knew that even though that would make for an amicable marriage, it was not the love or passion that I wanted. And it was because of that I looked at that rose every night. I would look at it for hours and wonder what I could have done if I had not been given this life. I felt ungrateful sometimes because I was sitting in a wonderful home, living a life that was by no means uncomfortable, and yet I was unhappy with it. But every time I looked at Jacob, even though I would sometimes just see him laugh or smile, I mostly saw my life as it slipped away from me.

And on one of the days a little over a month after I came to stay with Jacob I found myself maddened by the thoughts that I couldn't push away. If I saw him it made me even more frustrated. I couldn't read or take a walk to distract myself. I needed to go somewhere and just get out of the area for a little while. So even though just laying my eyes upon him made me squirm I went to find Jacob. He was out in the gardens with Sam and the boys as I had come to call them. This was the very last place I wanted to have this conversation, but I prayed that perhaps he wouldn't make a fuss.

"I am going into town for a while," I told him nonchalantly. I didn't want to have to tell him why I _needed_ to get out.

"Sure, Bella, just give me one moment and I will be ready to go," he replied, about to get up. But I put my hand on his shoulder massive as it was and as little as it would do if I tried to keep him from standing.

"Actually, Jacob, I need to be by myself for a while today if you don't mind."

"Bella, I don't know how much I like the idea of you being all alone there."

"Its not as though I didn't ever go around in town alone before. I used to practically live in that town. I promise I wont be long, I just need to clear my head," I protested. All the eyes in the room turned to Jacob and me. We had never disagreed publicly about anything. If something had come up one of us had deferred to the other.

"Be back before dark," he said. I looked into the sky. It would be dark in a half hour, maybe an hour at the most. I shook my head.

"I wont promise that. I will go to my father's tonight and he can bring me home so you wont have to worry about me getting back, okay?"

He looked at me for a long moment and then finally nodded. I was being stubborn for no reason other than because I could, in truth. But it was part of my personality. I was a stubborn woman and if he was going to marry me, he was going to have to get used to it.

I bean walking into town immediately after I talked to Jacob. If I was going to get there in any real time I was going to have to start the trek right away. So I walked and enjoyed the mild weather and tried not to think at all except for to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. And it became progressively easier with every step I took away from home. When I the town was in view I felt like a new woman, or more specifically perhaps the woman I had been before this entire ordeal.

I spent all the time I had in the daylight walking around and talking to people I knew. There were so many that I hadn't seen since I had left. They all knew where I was. They all asked me where my husband was. It was with a sort of pride that I informed them that I was not yet married, but only because we had not set a date. I assured all of them that I was indeed engaged, and that I would certainly be getting married soon to Jacob. No one had a single bad thing to say about Jacob. And of course, neither did I, except for the fact that I didn't love him.

But as soon as the sun began to fall I started to walk to my father's. I had to cross all the way through town to do it, but I didn't mind. It was nice to be back and feel like I was where I belonged.

"Bella!" someone shouted. For a moment I was sure it was someone else that I hadn't seen in weeks and was going to ask me about Jacob and my wedding and how married life was going and about _children_ for God's sake. So I ignored them. And then they shouted for me again. And though the voice sounded familiar to me, there was something about it that made me curious. So I stopped and turned to speak with whomsoever it was that wanted to pester me about my almost marriage and other things that were none of their business.

But as soon as I saw whom it was that was shouting after me, I was absolutely frozen.

Edward.

"I didn't think you were going to stop," he said when he reached me. I smiled.

"I have had people asking me about my 'marriage' and my life and children for the past few hours. I thought you were another one of those people and I was just not in the mood to answer any more questions. I came here to get away from that today, not to be interrogated about it," I said with a lilt of humor. He nodded knowingly.

"Where are you off to all alone at night?" he asked.

"To my father's house."

"It isn't wise to be out walking all alone after dark, Bella," he chided me. I rolled my eyes. I already had one man telling me what I should and should not be doing, that was plenty for me.

"Well are you offering an escort?" I inquired as we both stood there. He grinned that crooked grin that almost knocked me off my feet each and every time I saw it.

"I suppose that I am," he replied with a laugh and then extended his arm to me. I took it without an ounce of reluctance, town gossip be damned.

"So you took some time off from your life today I see," he commented as we began walking, a lot slower than was necessary. I laughed but agreed. That was more or less what I did. For some reason I found myself telling him everything I had been thinking about and feeling lately, especially today. He listened without interrupting. And when I was done he didn't say a thing for a moment. I was afraid of his silence. There was so much risk in silence. But when he did begin to speak I could tell it was not going to be something bad.

"Bella, I wish there was something I could do for you. I wish I could go back in time and change your circumstances. But we both know that I cant. And that saddens me more than you'd imagine because you are such a…wonderful woman. You deserve someone who loves you and that you love back. You should never be forced to do something you don't want to do, especially when it means planning the rest of your life without your consent. I just…do you ever feel like something is right and yet the timing is wrong?" he asked me. I didn't know what to say, but it didn't matter because he continued without my response.

"Lovely Bella, do you ever wonder what your life could be like if you weren't forced into a life you had no choice in? I know you do. And all I can tell you is…I know exactly how you feel. I understand that sentiment perfectly. And I understand how sick it can make you, wondering what things could have been if only it had been different. But if there is one thing I have learned it is that for some people, those of us in positions like ours, things will never be different, unless we make them so."

I hadn't realized that we had stopped walking. And when I looked at Edward it was as if he hadn't either. He looked like he was about to say something else important, make some other soul stirring speech on life, and I wasn't ashamed to admit that I found his words more striking than I would have liked them to be. But instead of continuing his earlier words he looked around us and then cursed.

"Is something wrong?" I asked at his sudden change in demeanor. But he was laughing even as I asked.

"No, of course not. Its just, I realized that all this while we've been talking and I have been walking back to my house unconsciously. You were supposed to be leading us back to your father's, remember?"

I grimaced at my own stupidity but nodded. I was such an idiot. I could not even remember how to get to my _home_ when I was with Edward.

"I am so sorry, Edward, I guess I just wasn't paying attention. We'll have to turn around to get me home…" I said, looking around trying to make out in the dark exactly where we were and how we would get back to my father's house.

"Don't worry about it Bella, we can just go back to my house and I will take you home from there. I don't like the idea of walking around out here in the dark with you all night trying to find some house that you don't even remember how to get to," he teased. I glared up at him and a moment later realized that he most likely had no idea what I was doing because it was so dark.

"Are you afraid the scent of helpless maiden will attract some big bad monsters?" I asked.

"Actually that's exactly what I am afraid of," he whispered in reply. I didn't know if he was joking or not, or if I was even meant to hear that comment, and so I said nothing. But while we continued to walk to Edward's house, I felt it echo inside me. But the lights of his house brought a sort of warmth to the night and the strange cold feeling that had gotten to me in the strange silence between us.

"So Dr. Cullen, your father, will be here and your mother?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, and my brothers and sisters," he replied.

"I didn't know your family was so large," I said, just to fill the silence.

"Oh yes. Of course none of them are related to me by blood, just as Carlisle and Esme—my mother—are not. Bu they are my siblings in every way that counts. But you'll find my family is a bit…unorthodox. I have two sisters and two brothers. Rosalie and Emmett are married to each other, and Alice and Jasper are also husband and wife. But don't worry, we aren't marrying within the family. None of them are related by blood either. But we are all family," he explained. I listened to him speak, losing myself in his voice as we walked closer and closer to his house. I didn't know what to expect as we crossed the threshold. Never did he release me or have me let go of his arm, even as we came inside, to the warmth of his home.

"Edward, finally you are home. I was wondering where you had gotten off to," a voice called. It was the same warm, smooth quality I had come to associate with Carlisle, but deeper. The face that came down the stairs to greet he and I was that of a younger man, who looked both shocked and pleased. There were two things I noticed right away. The first was that he was enormous—muscles plating every inch of his body and yet not appearing bulky—and he was beautiful. It seemed to be a trend within the household.

"Bella, this is my brother Emmett. Emmett, this is Bella," he said, introducing us briefly. Before either Emmett or I could respond a tiny pixie woman darted down past him.

"Good evening, Edward," she said with a grin plastering her gorgeous face. Her black hair only exaggerated her pale beauty as she smiled at he and I. Edward opened his mouth to speak and then sighed.

"Why doesn't the whole family come in here so I don't have to introduce her to each member separately?" he inquired. And then as though they had heard him, his family members began emerging. Carlisle was the only other one I knew, but by process of elimination I was able to discern the rest. When Carlisle joined us a lovely blond woman accompanied him and their careful affection led me to believe she was his wife Esme. Another young man came down the stairs followed by a shockingly dazzling young woman. They could only be Jasper and Rosalie. Edward introduced me to each of them in turn, affirming my assumptions. I smiled as nicely as I could manage at each of them, even though it seemed that from some of them, Rosalie in particular, I was not welcome.

"So Bella, not that it is not a pleasant surprise to have you here, but might I ask what brings you to our home, with my son, nonetheless?" Carlisle asked. I explained the story, leaving out the parts about my being miserable earlier in the day and my feelings on my life at the moment. He nodded and they all laughed at my idiocy. I was happy to amuse them.

"Well that doesn't sound like the crisis situation you made it sound like, Carlisle. Why do you care if Edward brings a pretty girl home anyway?" Emmett asked, winking at me playfully. I felt my face burn a bright red. Edward's eyes narrowed at him and I could hear a slight growl from him as Rosalie elbowed him in the chest. Alice laughed and Esme merely smiled at me. But it was Carlisle's reaction that most surprised me.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, what possible motivation do you have for making comments like that?" he asked, his face very serious. Emmet, though larger than Carlisle by at least a few inches and outweighing him by an untold amount, shrank back.

"I don't know, Carlisle, I don't see why―"

"She is engaged to Jacob Black," Carlisle said to him. Emmett's eyes widened.

"You idiot," Rosalie muttered before disappearing behind him and back up the stairs.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean anything by it," Emmett said quickly. I looked at him and then back at Carlisle.

"I…all is forgiven, Emmett. No bruise, no foul as far as I am concerned," I said. He nodded and then quickly retreated in the same direction as his wife.

"I think perhaps it would be wise of you to bring Bella home now," Carlisle said to Edward without his eyes leaving my face with the same puzzled look in them. Edward nodded beside me and without another word he led me back outside.

"What just happened?" I asked. Edward walked with me, silently brooding, walking too fast for me to keep up. And with my unfailing clumsiness I tripped over some unseen obstacle and I tumbled to the ground.

My palms scraped the ground first, and I felt them tear against the rough stones there. The rest of my body hit the ground a moment later. And then so many things happened so fast I was hardly aware of them.

Edward knelt down to help me up, hovering over me while I told him I was fine. And then a noise erupted from his house behind us. It was the most terrifying sound I had ever heard. There was something so feral about it that when I heard it I could not help but shriek. Edward looked up past me at his house. His eyes were filled with terror.

"GO EDWARD!" someone shouted. I didn't know who it was, but the urgency in their voce was enough for the both of us to be up and running before I had the chance to think about it. Before I knew what was happening we were in his stables and then up upon on a horse, riding at a full gallop away from his home. I heard things crashing and breaking and the most terrible shouting. My heart was pounding so fast as we rode off into the night. I couldn't think of anything, not the blood dripping down my hands, not how cold I was, or the fact that I was clinging to Edward so desperately I was likely cutting off his air supply and soaking his shirt in my blood.

I didn't even realize we had gotten back home until the ride abruptly stopped. Edward slid off the saddle and then helped me down slowly. But as soon as my feet touched the ground I collapsed. Edward caught me and kept me from injuring myself further.

"I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm this little damsel in distress but I just…"

"Don't try and explain it, Bella, I understand. It's the adrenaline rush. Your body is panicking."

"Edward, what―"

"Please don't ask, Bella. I am not going to ask much of you, but please don't ask."

I nodded and said nothing else. When I was certain I could get to my own feet and not fall over I stood, Edward standing with me.

"I will understand if your answer is no, for any reason, but Bella, I would rather like if you and I could be friends. If I could see you again," he said, the calm confidence in his voice broken with strain, I could not tell if that had more to do with asking me this or what had just happened.

"I would like to se you again as well," I answered. He smiled wanly, as though he truly wanted to, but could not muster the strength.

"I wont tell you that it will be easy or safe. I'm not sure it is the wisest decision either. But that does not stop me from wanting it," he told me. I nodded. I knew what he meant.

"You should have someone look at your hands. They might be shallow cuts but you don't want them getting infected," he said, changing the subject rapidly. I nodded again.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. I wanted to touch him to reassure him that I was fine, but my hands were still red and sticky with my blood. So I only smiled and told him I was fine. Neither of us meant my hands. Without any more words I turned with the utmost reluctance and began to walk towards home, where I could lie down and sleep off this residual confusion and terror.

"Bella," Edward called before I got inside. I turned to look at him, a feat that was only manageable by the now bright moonlight. He smiled at me, a crooked grin.

"I hope you like roses."


	3. Promises

As soon as I closed the door behind me, Jacob was there. His eyes were something frantic, as though he was sure I was going to come walking in missing a limb. I scraped up my hands, so I was minorly injured, but it was really my own fault. But as soon as I remembered the scrapes I remembered what happened next, the growling roar, the shouting and things breaking, but mostly I remembered the look of sheer terror in Edward's eyes and his pleas that I just not ask what was happening. That scared me more than anything else—that it would be something so horrifying that he would ask that I not know what it was.

But all of that flashed through my mind in comparison to the commotion before me.

"Bella! Where have you been I've been sick worrying about you! I thought you would be home by now and―"

He was walking toward me quickly as he was speaking but when he reached me, his face twisted in disgust.

"Who brought you home?" he asked, his tone full of accusation.

"Actually, while I was walking to my father's I ran into Dr. Cullen's son. He said his house was closer and that he could bring me home. I didn't think you'd mind," I said. He shook his head and toned down the look of revulsion.

"You're hurt," he stated. I held out my hands to him so he could see them. He immediately took them in his and scrutinized the wounds.

"I fell," I told him, before he could get any ideas about how I was injured. I tried not to shudder as that terrifying sound filled my ears again. I didn't need Jacob wondering about that as well. He didn't say a thing, only nodded and then brought me to clean my hands and the scrapes on them. They were indeed shallow cuts as both Edward and I had guessed. But I washed them out just the same.

"Its late, you should probably just wash up and go to bed," Jacob said as I cleansed my wounds. I nodded but didn't respond. I wasn't going to argue tonight or be obstinate. All I wanted was to go to sleep and forget about the taste of fear in my mouth and the adrenaline that was still pumping through me. So I did just what Jacob suggested after he left. I washed the feeling of dried, cool sweat off my skin and then crawled into my bed.

But just like the first night after I met Edward, sleep would not come. My time with him unfolded again and again before my eyes. His perfect eyes, the way his ruffled bronze hair would fall in his face, the sound of his elegant laughter…but also the sheer terror in his eyes, the way he pulled me along as we ran, the anger he showed in his home that I didn't understand. I realized there was so much about him I didn't understand. Of course I didn't know him well and I couldn't be expected to grasp every detail of his life. But the things that had happened, while seeming so foreign to me, seemed like familiar, unwelcome occurrences to Edward. It was perhaps that which bothered me so, not that the things themselves had happened.

And so I tossed and turned all night, thinking about the occurrences and trying to sleep. I was granted no relief until sunrise. As the yellow sun came up over the horizon I fell asleep with the image of Edward's crooked smile in my mind.

I didn't sleep for long. Not too much time passed between when I fell asleep and when I felt someone shaking me. I opened my eyes with reluctance and stared up at Emily whose face was plastered with a great bright smile. I rubbed my eyes and tried to smile back at her through my exhaustion.

"Wake up, Bella! I have a surprise for you!" she exclaimed happily. I groaned but sat up nonetheless. She smiled and threw clothes at me so I would get dressed. She told me to meet her downstairs in ten minutes. So I changed as quickly as I could, disregarding how tired I was and went to find her. She was in the sitting room, waiting with such a happy smile on her face I honestly thought her face might split in half. She patted the spot beside her on the couch she was sitting on.

"Oh just wait until you see what we have for you!" she told me. I had never seen her so excited about something in the month I had been there. It made me nervous that she was so wound up now.

A few moments later Jacob entered the room, and behind him was a man I had never seen before, carrying several boxes. Immediately I was uncomfortable. I didn't like getting gifts, expensive ones especially. Jacob sat next to me on the floor beside the couch, his face still level with mine. On the table before me the man set down three large boxes, laying the last small one on the floor beside his feet. He pulled the covers off the boxes and I gasped, but not for the reason it was assumed.

In each of the boxes were dozens of rings—gorgeous diamond engagement rings. Rows upon rows of expensive looking rings sat before me. I looked at Jacob, who merely smiled and said, "Pick one."

"You can't be serious," I stammered. He grinned bigger.

"Of course I am. Find one you like, we can have it sized and then it will be yours," he told me. I shook my head. I didn't _want_ an engagement ring. I didn't want a physical reminder of my predicament.

"I couldn't."

"You can. And you will. Come now, Bella, find one you like."

So with three sets of eyes on me, I looked through the boxes, trying to find something I wouldn't be opposed to wearing for the _rest of my life_. It made me sick just thinking about it. So I didn't. I thought about what I found attractive, as if the ring didn't mean a single thing. But each of them in the boxes was far too big for me, too flashy for my taste. I found a few that weren't so offensive but still I was unsatisfied. I confessed this to Jacob who merely smiled again.

"I had the feeling that you might say something like that. So I had him bring a box of smaller ones, just in case," he told me. With a quick nod from Jacob, the jeweler he retrieved the three boxes on the table and replaced them with the one smaller one. Inside it was an assortment of rings that were more tasteful and none less gorgeous. Eventually I managed to pick one out, a small silver ring with a pretty stone in the middle. It was simple and elegant. I didn't need much more than that. I didn't _want_ much more than that.

I tried it on much to Jacob and Emily's delight but it was too big. The jeweler said it would be an easy fix and he would have it to me within a day or two. I was thankful for the extra few days without it. It would give me some time to get used to the idea of wearing that ring everywhere. Everyone would see it and know now, I realized. Not that people didn't already know, but now I could not even refute it if I wanted to. I would be wearing his ring.

As soon as the jeweler left with his boxes and his promises to return y engagement ring, Emily burst into happy speech about my wedding and that now we could start planning. She started talking about flowers and who we would invite and my dress and all the details and how excited she was. Jacob for his part sat and watched Emily as she talked to me and I pretended to listen and be as ecstatic as she was. But inside I was only feeling more trapped than ever. It was as if he was marking me, making me his in an obvious way to anyone who would ask.

It struck me as a bit odd that such a thing would happen the day after I came home from Edward's house. But of course I held my tongue.

"Bella? Did you hear what I said?" Emily asked. I looked back at her smiling face and shook my head.

"I'm sorry, I am just so lost in thought," I replied. It wasn't a lie, however I was sure that the thoughts I was having about it were not the same ones she was having.

"I said perhaps we could plan for a September wedding. The weather should still be warm enough to have it outside if you want and it won't be too hot either. It should be perfect."

"That's only five months," I said, my voice sounding so shocked and detached from my body. Emily began reassuring me that she would help with the planning and that five months would be plenty of time. But it wasn't the planning I was concerned about.

I couldn't be married in five months. I couldn't be a wife. Just thinking about standing before a priest and my father and promising to love someone for the rest of life, to kiss Jacob in front of a group of people made me feel strangely ill. I simply wouldn't do it. I would run away. I would become a gypsy beggar before I would marry someone in five months.

"Bella, are you alright?" Jacob asked, noticing my distress. I nodded and took a deep breath.

"There's just so much to do. Its very overwhelming," I said. I couldn't remember a time when I had lied so much in the whole rest of my than I did when I was with Jacob lately. But he smiled and accepted each lie without question. The only time he had seemed skeptical of my stories was the night before, and for good reason. I was sure I looked out of my mind.

_Don't try and explain it, Bella, I understand. It's the adrenaline rush. Your body is panicking._

Edward's words rang through my mind. Mysterious, beautiful Edward. I pitied him when I thought how it must be living in his house; he was the odd man out after all. He had his parents and his siblings of course, but when they fell asleep beside their spouses every night he was alone. He didn't admit to being bothered by it, but then again, there were other things that he would not explain either. He was hiding so much behind those emerald eyes. I wondered what it would take for him to reveal those mysteries. Would it be only out of necessity or would trust be enough for him to explain the many things that a person could wonder about when they thought of him. Even if they, like me, were women who had no business thinking of him.

And yet on the other hand, he wasn't the only one in this new strange life that was full of mysteries. Jacob puzzled me at several points over the weeks I had been here. He was extremely secretive about his father's illness and their involvement and history with Dr. Cullen. There was clearly some story there that he was reluctant to tell. But not only that bemused me. At certain times he would grow agitated about something—an argument he and Paul were having, a decision his father made, a comment someone else made about me—and his whole body would begin to shake. If this happened whoever it was that said or did something stopped immediately. The whole room would grow deathly silent and no one would move. If he was near anyone he would get away from them as fast as he could and close his eyes, breathing in and out slowly. He would calm down I a few minutes, but in those moments everyone seems utterly still, as though afraid to disturb him in any way.

But more than anything else were the moments like last night when he did something so strange. When he had gotten close to me his face had looked utterly repulsed and he had immediately asked me who brought me home. There was no reason for him to think it was anyone other than my father as I had told him, and yet after he had realized whatever it was that he had, he had doubted me. Those strange moments happened every so often and each time they unnerved me. There was obviously something going on with him, and it seemed with several other of his friends, but I couldn't tell what.

"Care to take a walk, Bella? Clear your head?" Jacob asked. I glanced over at Emily who made a gesture for me to go. I nodded to Jacob and we proceeded on outside. We meandered slowly through the gardens. They were far more extensive than I first thought. The main path through them, if taken all the way through, would go back through the woods and then back into the main garden area, almost a mile and a half walk all told. We began on this path through the scenery, silent at first and then talking quietly. He did not mention the wedding again or my ring or anything from the night before. What he did ask about, was Edward.

"Would you indulge me with something, Bella?" he asked.

"That all depends on what it is," I responded lightly.

"Tell me truly, what do you think of Edward Cullen?"

I paused here. I had to give him some version of the truth. To tell him I was uninterested in any would be too deceitful and an obvious lie. But I could not tell him the truth. If I told him that whenever I saw him he kept me up nights, that his voice lulled me into a sense of security, that my heart bounced about my rib cage when he smiled at me in that crooked way he did, I was sure that he would get angry. So I sighed and looked up into his great, dark eyes.

"He is an interesting man. And of course he is attractive, it would be a lie for me to say I did not think so. But mostly I just find his life interesting. He moves all over with his family and he wants to be a doctor. He just lives in an atypical way."

Jacob seemed partly displeased with this answer but said nothing as we continued to walk.

"Are you friends now?" he asked after a little while.

"I suppose you could call us that, yes."

He made a noise of understanding but still made no comment. We continued on for almost ten minutes before he stopped me and looked straight down at me.

"I don't like it," he told me. "I don't like Edward Cullen and to be honest, I don't much like his father, either. It is only because he can care for my father that I tolerate him. But I especially dislike the idea of you two spending time together."

Through his words he had placed a hand on my arm, a seemingly affectionate gesture. But as soon as he was done I shrugged him off. It wasn't like me to storm off, but I was so shocked that I couldn't control myself.

"Bella! Bella, wait!" he called, catching up with me as I stalked away. He caught my arm and held me back from going any further.

"Let go of me, Jacob," I said, not even looking at him. He didn't so I shook him off angrily and tried to march away. But he cut in front of me, blocking me from continuing.

"Bella, all I said was that I didn't want you seeing Edward. It isn't as though you don't have plenty of other people to spend time with here," he bargained.

"But that's hardly the point. We aren't even married and you're telling me what to do! I am not the kind of woman to just be told what to do and go along with it; I think you should have realized that by now. And if I want to be friends with Edward, then I will. And let me tell you―"

"I'm only trying to do what's best for you!"

"I think _I_ would know what's best for _me_!"

He stared at me with a strange expression on his face for a long moment then and I stared right back, hands on my hips and utterly defiant. I knew I was fighting with him over something that shouldn't have been a big deal. But it wasn't about being friends with Edward—even though that was something I would have fought for regardless. It was about being ordered around like I was incapable of making decisions.

"And what if you don't, Bella?" he asked quietly.

"Then I can fix it if I make a mistake. If you don't respect me enough to let me make my own choices, I don't see how you could respect me enough to be your wife," I said. I didn't know where the words came from, but the look on his face was almost as if I had slapped him.

"Jacob, I didn't mean―"

"No, Bella, you're right. We need to respect each other and so far I haven't been doing a very good job of it have I?"

It sounded like his comment was more for him than it was for me, so I said nothing. He looked past me as if he was looking for an answer. He worked his way through whatever he was thinking of in a minute or two and then looked back at me.

"If you want to be friends with Edward I guess I cant stop you. And I am sure there are plenty of other things you will want to do that I wont agree with that I wont be able to stop you from doing. So consider this my official promise that I wont get in the way of something that makes you happy," he said with resolve. He extended his hand to mind. I gave it to him and he shook it gently, careful not to hurt the scrapes across my palms. He then brought my hand up to his face and kissed my palm the way Edward had when I first met him. I did not get shivers from Jacob, but the gesture was sweet nonetheless.

We finished our walk in silence. There wasn't much more that we needed to say to the other at that point. When we returned home Jacob made some comment about Dr. Cullen coming over to see his father and even in the small phrase I could see his utter disdain.

"Jacob, why do you hate Dr. Cullen so much?" I asked, my voice inquisitive. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, which he had neglected to braid that day like he usually did.

"Our families have always been…at odds with each other," he said shortly. And even though he had not answered my question, his tone implied he did not want to talk about it. So I didn't ask. And lo and behold when we arrived at the entrance of the house Dr. Cullen was standing there. I could hear him talking, arguing it sounded like. And for a moment I wasn't sure with whom he was arguing. But when I heard the other voice I knew.

I hadn't seen Edward in a whole month and now I had seen him one day right after the other. I couldn't hear what they were arguing about but I didn't have to hear their words to understand their tone. I had had fights with my father in the same tone, father and child, and I knew them well. Edward was defending some position he had taken and Carlisle was trying to tell him how very wrong he was. That was until he turned and saw us walking toward him. I looked first at Carlisle; whose face became suddenly subdued, to Jacob's, which was blank. It was only Edward that looked like there had just been an argument. He still looked irritated, as though he was ready to fight more if need be.

But then Carlisle began to walk toward Jacob and I, Jacob more than me. As soon as he was out of the way, Edward saw me. He smiled. Not in a way that would seem out of place, just as though it was one friend seeing another, which was what we were. I smiled back in the same way and he began walking to us as well, following his father.

"Greetings, Jacob. Bella," Dr. Cullen said tersely. It would not seem as though he had been arguing or that he was upset at all. His smile was as bright and charming as any other day.

"Hello, Dr. Cullen," I said, just as kindly. Edward said nothing to Jacob, only nodded to acknowledge him.

He only grinned at me. He didn't need to say anything at that point.

"How is your father today?" Dr. Cullen asked. As soon as he did both he and Jacob began speaking of Billy's condition and seemed to ignore Edward and I. We walked behind them at a slower pace, unnoticed by the men ahead of us.

"How are you today?" Edward asked politely.

"Exhausted," I confessed. He smiled and nodded as though he understood. The light shadows under his eyes revealed that perhaps he did. They were nothing like the deep shadows under the eyes of his father, but they were there. If that was what he had to look forward to as a doctor, perhaps he would want to reconsider his career choice.

"May I?" he asked quietly, holding his hands out to me. For a moment I was confused and then I remembered he had been worried about my hands getting infected from when I fell. So I placed my hands delicately in his. He handled them as though he had some breakable, priceless treasure in his grasp. He inspected the scrapes gently, bringing my hands close to his face. Eventually he let me go, his dexterous hands sliding away from mine with palpable reluctance.

"You should be fine."

I laughed without humor.

"Well, your hands should be fine," he told me. I nodded and he continued to look at me, as though he wanted me to tell him what was _not_ going to be fine.

"I'm getting married," I told him.

"I know."

"I'm getting married in five months. I picked out a ring today."

"I was surprised you did not already have one."

I'm getting _married_ in five months," I repeated, my voice a little more desperate. Edward looked at me a little longer before opening his mouth to speak. And even when he did he said nothing for a while.

"You will be a wonderful wife," he said softly.

"I don't _want_ to be a wife! I just want to be Bella!"

Edward's gentle hands cupped my face so tenderly I hardly knew what he was doing as he tilted my face so my eyes met his.

"You will always be Bella to me," he replied.

"I'm not ready, Edward. I'm not ready to be a wife and to live that life. I know, I'm a woman now and I need to accept the responsibility of adulthood but I'm not ready for this. I don't know _how_ to be a wife. I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't―"

"Sweet Bella, please listen. If you aren't ready to be a wife, then you wont be. You can only be who you are, no matter what other people would ask you to be. When you are ready to be a wife, you will be. When you are able to be something, if you have the will, that is what you will be. Right now you only wish to be Bella, the lighthearted, curious, intelligent woman you are. So that is who you are. Do not change for anyone."

"But―"

"No. You can only be you, Bella, and there is nothing wrong with that. If there is anyone asking you to be something else they must be out of their mind. You could not be more perfect," he replied.

I didn't know what to say to that. So I said nothing. I only smiled. And he smiled too, but it seemed so sad, that expression. He kissed my forehead then, warm soft lips at my skin. He gave me chills even though he meant to comfort me. I closed my eyes as he did, wanted to block out my other sense and enjoy that feeling.

"Thank you," I whispered. I was grateful to him—for calming me down, for talking some sense into me and making me feel like perhaps this was not the end of the world as I had assumed.

"You never need to thank me for that," he said.

"What you said, last night, about things not changing unless we make them change…what if you cant?" I asked softly, ashamed almost that I was admitting a sort of defeat. But Edward only smiled gently at my remark.

"There is always a way," he assured me just as quietly.

"I don't think I can do this. I'm so alone, and I just don't think I can," I told him. He closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again they were so sad. It didn't seem right that such pure green eyes should ever look so sad. But instead of speaking he only kissed my forehead again, his lips lingering on my skin.

"You wont ever be alone," he promised. Before I could ask him what he meant he turned and looked behind him, disengaging with me at the same time. His father came around the corner an instant later. He looked at us with a sort of skepticism, but said nothing. He motioned for Edward. He smiled at me again and began to walk away. I watched every step he took, watching until he disappeared around the corner with his father.

I went up to my room to sleep. I needed the rest merely because of the fact that I had not slept the night before. But I wanted to be alone and give my mind a rest from everything it had been thinking about, my thoughts circling the same issues like hungry vultures. I thought it would difficult to fall asleep as it had been the night before, but surprisingly as soon as I laid down my eyes shut of their own accord and I was asleep.

I awoke several hours later; the night had already set in. I opened my eyes tiredly and glanced about.

Beside me on the bed was another blossoming red rose.

And across the room, looking quietly but expectantly, was Edward.


	4. Stealth or something like it

"Edward, what are you―"

Edward placed a finger over his lips, asking me not to be so loud. I immediately shut my mouth and waited. What else could I do? Here was this man in my bedroom, granted a man I knew, but still there he was. I didn't know how he had gotten in here without being noticed, but he had done it. And now all I could do was stare dumbly at the beautiful man sitting across the room from me.

H got up and walked very slowly and carefully to me, making sure to make as little noise as possible. He didn't sit on the bed with me, only knelt down next to my bed and smiled. He looked up into my eyes with mischief and excitement.

"Come with me," he whispered. I opened my mouth to protest but he shook his head. "Come with me," he repeated. I couldn't help but smile. Even in those few words he communicated this urgent exhilaration. I didn't know how long he had been waiting for me to wake, or what he would have done if someone had found him, but he didn't seem to care.

"Okay," I whispered back just as quietly. I wanted to ask him so many questions but I kept silent for the moment. He rose silently and I got up as well, careful to make as little sound as he did. I knew this was an idiotic thing to do, on so many levels. The first of course was that I didn't _need_ to sneak out. If I wanted to go out in the middle of the night I would damn well go. But of course Edward's presence made things different. I couldn't just leave in the middle of the night with another man. And moreover, and possibly the more important point I could think of, my trying to be stealthy in any way would only end in disaster. I couldn't live my everyday life without having some sort of accident. How could I possibly sneak away from my home, even if just for a little while, without falling or breaking a bone or getting caught?

My heart was pounding as we began to walk, first out of my room and then down the halls. I tried to be silent as Edward was, walking without making a sound. But of course I couldn't. Things just seemed to be noisy when I walked over them or passed by them or sent them crashing to the floor when I bumped into them. We were almost out at that point; I could see the door, when we started walking a little faster. I should have known that it was too good to be true; that the chances of my getting out without being noticed were so slim I shouldn't have even tried. So as we neared the door, walking too fast with the taste of victory already in our mouths, I bumped ever so slightly into a table with a vase full of flowers on it.

Both Edward and I watched with sick fascination as it toppled slowly, tumbling to the floor and breaking upon the floor, pieces of glass and flowers spreading in a sad heap there on the floor. We both looked at each other, hearing the sound of its shatter ringing in our ears. And then Edward looked past me, so I looked there too. And then I heard footsteps, drawn most likely by the sound of the breaking vase. So we did the only thing we could do.

We ran.

Without a single second thought Edward and I took off into the night, running as fast as we could into the chilled evening air. We sprinted at first, sure we were being followed and for all I knew we were. But eventually we both grew tired of running and we slowed and eventually stopped. We were somewhere along the garden path back into the woods, I could see that much in the pale moonlight. We both stood, panting and laughing. It was a miracle that we had managed to get out without my injuring myself severely or getting caught.

"I can't believe this is happening," I mused, more to myself than to Edward. He grinned at me. Silently he motioned for me to continue on with him, to keep going along the path we were taking. Without another word I obeyed, unsure of why I was following his instructions but not sure what else to do. So we walked in a silence for another short while until we reached a clear part of the garden path. There was a clear part of the wooded path with flat meadow on either side of the path. The moon lit it so brightly that I didn't have any trouble seeing the mischievous smile on Edward's face as he deviated from the path and began to walk into the sweet smelling summer grass and tiny little ground cover flowers.

My feet moved of their own accord, walking behind him before I even knew what was happening. Eventually he stopped at a spot almost to the edge of the meadow, perfectly bathed in light and covered in the tiny whit flowers I had noticed here so many times before on other walks. He sat down slowly and motioned for me to do the same.

"I don't understand any of this," I told him, letting my voice go to its normal volume. No one was going to find us here, and we were far enough away from the house that no one would hear us either.

"How did you get into my bedroom in the first place? And how long were you waiting for me? What would have happened if someone had come to check on me? How did you know where to go back in the house? And what was even―"

Edward began laughing hysterically as I was talking and so I stopped speaking in the middle of a question. I glared at him, and he only laughed harder.

"Bella, that is a lot of questions to ask me all at once. Lets go one at a time shall we? How did I get into your room? Well that's not very hard. It wasn't as if there was someone guarding it. And I waited for…a while, admittedly. But I didn't know when else I would get to talk to you. My father tells me I am no longer allowed to come on the visits he makes to Jacob's father, so I didn't want to take the risk that we might not bump into each other again while you are taking a stroll at night."

"So what did you do all that time? Twiddle your thumbs?" I asked. Edward laughed again.

"You say very amusing things in your sleep," he replied. I gasped.

"You were watching me sleep?"

"There wasn't much else to do. I wasn't going to go looking through your things, but I can only amuse myself with twiddling my thumbs for so long. Besides, if I hadn't been paying attention, I would have missed out on hearing about all sorts of funny things. I believe you told your father that he couldn't have the last cookie," he said, his voice laced with amusement. I hung my head in my hands and sighed in embarrassment. I had always talked in my sleep, but so far the only one who had known about it was my father. Even though he teased me for it, it wasn't as bad as someone else knowing about it.

"What about my other questions?" I asked, trying to move the subject off my embarrassing sleeping habits.

"If someone had come in to check on you? Honestly, I hadn't thought that far ahead. But I am sure I could have come up with something if they had asked what I was doing there. But I have a feeling these aren't the questions you really want answered. So go ahead and ask," he told me.

"Why…why would you―"

"Risk being accused of kidnapping? Steal you away from home in the middle of the night? Wait all that time just to see you?" he completed for me. I nodded. Those were several of the things I didn't understand about him, although it was far from all of them.

"Bella, if I had the answers to those questions I would tell you. But I don't. I haven't been able to reason through those things myself. I wish I had some sort of answers, not only for myself, but for you. You have no idea how much time I have spent, thinking about what it is that draws me to you this way. And for that month, that whole endless month after we met I tried not to think of you at all. And after a while I was able. But when I saw you in town last night, I knew I couldn't pretend you did not exist.

"But you got hurt with me, even if it was just a stumble. And I put you in danger now, stealing you away. If we were to be found…I know Jacob is not an unreasonable man, but we both know he has trouble controlling himself on occasion. He could do what he wished to me, but if he harmed you at all I don't know what I would do," he confessed. "It seems as though I can do nothing but put you in harm's way."

"You did not put me in harm's way last night. I tripped, Edward, there was no danger―"

"You have _no_ idea what kind of danger you were in last night."

"Then why wont you _tell_ me! No one will tell me anything! There is so much going on and you all must think I am an _idiot_ if you assume I don't know it. But every time I ask you pretend there isn't anything happening and I feel like I'm going insane. So please, Edward, please if you respect me at all, if you care for me at all, just tell me what's happening."

"And what do you think is going on?" he inquired. His tone was falsely inquisitive. Beneath it was something like impatient curiosity.

"Jacob and Sam and all of those boys have some sort of secret they are keeping, though I don't understand what. And Billy is sick and dying and I don't understand that either. But Jacob dislikes your father and your family and you seemingly more than anyone else and he wont tell me why. And you don't seem too fond of him either, nor does your father. And what happened last night, first in your house when Emmett made that little comment about me and Carlisle got angry and then when…when I fell and we had to run away…and its all connected somehow, I just know it. But I cant tell how because _no one will tell me_."

"And if you had to guess?" he asked slowly.

"I don't _know_, Edward! I would say you were lifelong enemies but you've only been here a year! And after all those things you said about being in a situation you can't change and wondering what would be different if you could change it…you seem like the odd man out in your family, and at first I thought it was just because everyone else has their spouse and you're all alone, but it seems like more than that now when I think about it. You just seem…different than they are."

"You don't know how close you are," he whispered, "but I can't tell you. If you knew it would only put you in more danger."

I became so frustrated then that I threw my hands up and began to stand. But Edward's hands grasped mine lightly but firmly, trying not to hurt my shallow scrapes.

"Bella, please, please you must believe me that I am only doing this to keep you safe. If it was not a matter of life and death I would tell you in an instant why you have so many questions that no one will answer, why you think I am so different from my family, why Jacob's family and mine will never get along and why he hates me more than the rest of them. I would sit and explain everything until the sun came up and I was blue in the face. But I _cant_ just as I am sure Jacob cannot. I will give you whatever else you ask, but please, Bella, do not ask me to explain."

His face and his words reminded me of his face the night before, his pleading eyes and desperate words. I couldn't ask any more of him. He looked as though he was physically pained as he spoke to me, as though he wanted so badly to explain, but he simply couldn't.

"What if Jacob tells me, then can you explain your side?" I asked. Edward laughed lightly.

"Yes, Bella, if you somehow manage to torture it out of him, I will gladly sit and explain everything on this very spot and answer each and every question your mind can think of. Fair enough?"

"I'm going to hold you to that," I told him. He smiled at me then, the first real smile I had seen since we began talking.

"I think it is my turn to ask the questions," Edward informed me after a moment. I nodded and said nothing, waiting for his interrogation, as it was sure to be.

"Why did you come?" he asked. I had to think for a moment. Why had I simply left my house in the middle of the night with him? I hadn't even needed to think it through. I simply went. Because I wanted to go. I desperately needed an escape from the trapped feeling I had whilst living in that house. And Edward was fun and dangerous and handsome but he was also kind and gentle and wonderfully charming.

"I don't know. I just couldn't be in that house any more. And when you offered me a chance to get out…I didn't even think, I just took it. You have to understand, Edward, I told you I felt alone because…I might be friends with Jacob and Sam and Emily and all the boys and even Billy. And my father comes to see me once a week and it means a lot to me that he comes here. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't belong there. That I am the outcast. It doesn't change the fact that I don't _want_ to be there. Under different circumstances, I would love to just be friends with them and spend time there. But not like this, not when I _have_ to."

"You don't love him," Edward stated. It was not a question.

"I don't think I ever could. It isn't that he is a bad man in any way. But the way we are now, the circumstances in which we met aren't conducive to love."

"So what will you do?" he asked. I looked up from my hands, meeting those bright green eyes. They drew honesty out of me like a serum.

"The only thing I can do—I will marry Jacob and probably have children and eventually grow fond of him. But I wont ever love him. But we will be the only ones who know that. Everyone else already thinks we're in love, Sam, his father, Emily…they all assume I am this happy little bride to be. Jacob I'm sure senses my apprehension, but he doesn't know the idea of marrying someone in five months destroys me more every day."

For the second time that day, Edward's nimble fingers touched my face, their heat burning me with the knowledge that though I should not be letting another man touch me, I would not tell him to stop. I unconsciously turned into his touch and sighed. With Edward I felt something foreign, something strange that I was not used to. There was an excitement in me, my stomach felt like it was full of butterflies, my heart jumped all over. I didn't think he knew of my uncontrollable physical reactions, but he was surely taking advantage of them.

"So what would you do if you had control over your life?" he asked, his hand still touching my face, our eyes still locked.

"I would travel. Go away from here. Do things the way I want to do them and never have to be under the control of another person. I would fall in love with someone and marry them if they wanted. I would not sit through everyday and waste the time I have looking pretty and chatting with other women. I don't want that life. But it seems that is what my life will be."

Edward smiled sadly.

"I do not think you will be that woman, Bella. You just don't have it in you. There is too much passion and life in that body of yours to ever sit your life away," he told me. I tried to smile, but found my lips could not make the shape. Edward moved his hand and gently tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering there for a moment before he sighed and flopped back upon the sweet smelling flowers.

"What are you doing, Edward Cullen?" I asked.

"Looking at the stars," he replied. With a sigh and a grin I could not restrain I laid back with him, far enough that we were not touching but close enough to feel the heat from his skin as it radiated out toward me. We looked up at the sky in silence for a while before he began to point out constellations and the stories behind them. We stayed there, Edward telling me stories and tales and mythology, until the sky began to lighten. When it did Edward looked to me and rose without a word. We left that meadow the way we entered it, in silence.

Before we left the woods, Edward stopped me so we could speak in a place alone and not be seen.

"I think I would like to meet you there again. Soon," he said.

"Tomorrow night?" I asked playfully.

"If you would be there tomorrow night, I would come to meet you," he said quietly, using more caution now that we were closer to the house.

"I will he there," I promised. He smiled and drew me in for a friendly embrace, during which he kissed the top of my head.

"Oh my Bella. I hope your day is well," he said softly.

"I'm not your Bella," I reminded him. He grinned.

"Not yet."

* * *

So I know this one is a little on the short side, but I like it. hope you did too :) 


	5. Monsters

I crept back into my own bed that morning and was not disturbed again until after I awoke. No one suspected a thing. I spent the day with Jacob and the boys and Emily. I felt better than I had in weeks. I was able to joke and laugh with them all and not feel like it was forced or awkward. I felt so free. And I knew it was because of Edward. I knew that the fact I had spent my night with Edward and I was going to spend the next night with him as well was what kept me feeling so light.

I was even able to appease Jacob's increasing want to spend time with me alone. We sat in my favorite sitting room for hours that night after everyone had gone. We talked for what seemed like an endless amount of time. And while of course I was involved and interested in our conversation, in the back of my mind I could think only of the fact that I had only one more day to go through before I could sneak away to the meadow and see Edward once more. He was becoming my lifeline, my way of keeping sane. If I could be honest with him at least, perhaps I wouldn't go crazy.

But I also was going to make an effort to get the truth from Jacob before I went to see Edward. I wanted to prove him wrong and make Jacob tell me so Edward would have to tell me. So I broached the subject, even though I was scared to.

"Jacob, I've been meaning to ask you. I know your father is sick, but I have never really understood _why_," I said nonchalantly after a moment of silence. He looked up at me and seemed like he wasn't going to answer me for a moment. And then he sighed.

"My father was injured months ago. He was stubborn and wouldn't let anyone treat him until he was completely debilitated with the pain. When we finally brought him to the doctor they told us that the infection had spread too far. Dr. Cullen takes care of him and keeps him in as little pain as possible, but…we have known for some time he wasn't going to get better," he replied, not looking at me.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I mumbled. But I wasn't done. I needed to know more. It hadn't occurred to me that way yet, but when it did I realized how true it was. I _needed_ to know more. I couldn't walk around not knowing what was happening with the people I lived with, specifically the person I was marrying.

"Do you mind if I ask another question?" I inquired. He shook his head so I went on.

"Well, if you dislike Dr. Cullen so much…why did you choose him to treat your father? There are other doctors. But he takes care of him, and you continue to let him even though you clearly don't like each other very much."

Jacob's face turned to mine, his eyes meeting mine finally.

"When my father was first hurt he wouldn't let us take him anywhere. I went into town to find a doctor anyway and there was Dr. Cullen. He had set up shop where Dr. Creskin had been before. He was the doctor I was looking for, but he had left without my knowledge. He was my only option at the time. And even though when the time came I didn't _want_ him looking after my father, he was the only doctor we had. And then when another doctor came I told Dr. Cullen that we would no longer need his services. But as it turned out I was wrong. The new doctor didn't know how to take care of my father; he had never seen something like him. His pain got worse and so I had to ask Dr. Cullen to help us once more. Ever since then he has been my father's regular caretaker."

I listened intently to his explanation, hoping he would let slip some tiny bit of information I could use to figure out what was going on. But he gave me nothing.

"I see. But Jacob…I still don't understand what you dislike so much about the Cullens. They aren't bad people so far as I can tell," I said. Jacob laughed humorlessly.

"That shows how much you know about them," he retorted.

"So explain it to me."

"I wish I could, Bella, but it's a long story."

"I've got time."

"Bella, this isn't a story for you," he said. He meant it to come out sounding caring but it only sounded condescending to me.

"Jacob, I think you and I are on a different page about something. If I am marrying you, which so far I have no reason to believe I'm not, you need to be honest with me. I can't have any sort of relationship with you if you wont tell me things. I am asking you a simple question, and you cant even answer me. What would happen if I asked you a question that you cant answer so simply?" I questioned.

"What you assume are simple questions are not always as simple as you would like them to be. I _want_ to tell you anything you want to know. But I can't. I really just can't. Its for your own safety, Bella, really."

"Ugh why does _everyone_ say that? I don't need to be coddled or protected like some child, Jacob; I'm a grown woman. I don't need―"

"But you _do_! You don't understand any of this and I assure you that you do need to be protected. You need to be kept out of this. It isn't your business or your burden. So please, Bella, I beg of you, stop asking."

I shook my head.

"No. I wont stop asking. You're going to be my _husband_ Jacob. I am going to spend the rest of my life with you. Do you really think we can be married without my knowing whatever secret you are keeping? It's going to come out some day and when it does there might be other things we need to deal with. How can I trust you if you cant even be honest with me?"

"Its not that simple!"

"It _is_ that simple, Jacob! You don't want it to be so you don't have to tell me what is going on, but I swear to you all you have to do is tell me what is going on. It isn't the crisis situation you imagine it to be," I assured him. But he shook his head.

"You don't understand, Bella, I _can't_ tell you."

I would give him that. Even as he spoke he looked like he desperately wanted to confess but just couldn't. Every time he looked like he might open his mouth and spill his secret he looked almost as though he was in physical pain.

"Well if you're not going to tell me I'm just going to go to bed," I said, rising from my chair.

"Damn it, Bella! That's not it! You just don't understand I―"

He made a pained, angry sound then as I looked at him. His whole body was quaking. He had his head in his hands, breathing rapidly, trying to calm down. I didn't know what to do. This had never happened when we were alone. So I did what I always saw other people do when this happened to him. I stood still and silent and waited until he seemed better.

"Jacob," I whispered. He looked up at me. I realized I was still standing and sat back down. Swallowing my fear I reached for him and placed my hand on his arm. His skin was burning hot, almost feverish.

"Are you feeling alright?" I asked. He shook his head.

"Maybe you should just go to bed," he offered.

"Was it something I said?"

"No, of course not. I just get so…frustrated with this whole situation sometimes. I _want_ to tell you, Bella, I want to be honest with you, make you understand. But I cant. And you don't even know _why_ I cant. And I just…I just can't. So perhaps this should be it for tonight, okay?"

I nodded and he took my hand in his giant one, giving it a gentle squeeze. I smiled at him and he returned the smile wanly. Then I went up to my room. But even though I had gone into that conversation hoping for some clarification I had come out of it more confused than ever. I needed someone to tell me what was happening here. But no one would.

When I finally fell asleep it was dreamless for the most part. The only thing I remembered were images of Emily and her perfect face, marred by her scars. I had stopped being surprised by them after a short time, but I had never found out what had happened to her. When I woke up the images floated behind my eyes and I decided perhaps I would go about this in a different way. Neither Edward nor Jacob would tell me what has going on with either of them. So I would ask someone else who knew.

It had become clear over the past week or so when I was becoming further curious about Jacob and the boys that she knew the same secret they all kept. So if Jacob wouldn't tell me, I would find out from her.

So as soon as I was dressed I sought out Emily. She was where she usually spent her mornings, outside on a bench in the garden. She was eating some breakfast and reading a book in the lazy warm air. She looked up and saw me and smiled. I smiled in return but said nothing at first. She moved herself over on the bench to make room for me.

I sat and we began chatting, about completely inane things like the weather or wedding plans. But I began to get impatient with waiting as time wore on.

"Emily, I hope you don't mind my asking, but I was wondering…where did you get those scars from?" I asked quietly, almost ashamed for asking her. She blushed slightly and turned more fully toward me.

"Well…it was an accident really. It was when Sam was still young and he didn't know how to control himself. We were arguing and he just…phased. He didn't know what he was doing and he felt so badly after. I forgave him as soon as it happened. He didn't mean to hurt me. I knew that. I thought he was going to kill himself for a while because he felt so badly. But after a while he realized that I wasn't angry with him and that I still loved him," she explained. She was so nonchalant about it I didn't know what to say. Sam had attacked her and she was just going to forgive him?

"I don't understand," I said slowly. Emily smiled a knowing smile.

"I know Jake has never phased in front of you before, as he shouldn't, but that thing he does when he's shaking? He's trying to contain himself and not phase out. You can understand why that would be dangerous in a room full of people. That's how Billy got hurt in the first place and Jake has felt so guilty about it since then. I think that's why he has been so desperate to keep him alive, he doesn't want his father to die because of something he did."

I simply stared at her. _Jacob_ had been the one to injure his father? And she kept using the word 'phase' like it was supposed to mean something to me. And after a moment of my blank stares, Emily seemed to understand there was something wrong.

"Oh my…you didn't know!" she exclaimed, a look of pure horror on her face.

"Emily, I―"

"No Bella, you don't understand! I can't believe…I'm not supposed to tell you anything if you don't already know. I though you had known for weeks now. Sam told me he gave an order to the pack not tell anyone anything but I was _sure_ you already knew. And now…oh he's going to kill me!" she shouted, standing up and looking utterly horrified.

"Pack? Emily, I _still_ don't understand what's happening here!"

"Bella, please listen to me. You can't tell any of them that you know this. They can't know that I accidentally told you about it. Promise me, Bella. Promise me you wont tell them you know anything," she begged. I nodded dumbly. With my promise given she rushed off leaving what was left of her breakfast and her book behind. I watched her go, more confused now than I ever had been.

She had spoken of phasing, of a pack, of Sam, and still I couldn't piece it together. But I was running out of options. If Jacob couldn't tell me—perhaps because of what Sam had told them? ―and Emily would not explain what small but albeit confusing information she had given me, who else could I ask?

But as soon as I wondered about it, I knew who I could ask. Billy was Jacob's father, and if Jacob had injured him while 'phasing' he was sure to know. I had a feeling Billy wouldn't care if he wasn't supposed to tell me either.

So I made my way up to Billy's room, hoping to avoid anyone else on the way there. I knocked on his door lightly and he called for me to come in. I entered slowly and when he saw me, he smiled. I could not muster the expression in return.

"How are you today, Billy?" I asked.

"As well as a man in my condition can be. And yourself?"

"Confused," I confessed. He nodded and gestured toward a chair near his bed for me to sit.

"Perhaps I can help you?"

"You might. Billy, I have known for weeks that something strange is happening here, but no one would tell me what. I have asked Jacob several times and each time he tells me I cant. So today I spoke to Emily, who shed some light on the situation, but when she realized I didn't already know she stopped and made me promise not to tell any of the boys about our conversation. But now I am only more confused than ever. She talked about a pack and phasing and Sam and I don't understand how it all fits together."

Billy looked at me for a long time without speaking, like he was trying to decide if he should tell me or not. Eventually he sighed and sat up. He lifted the side of his shirt so quickly I hardly had a chance to look away before he exposed his side to me. But once I saw it I could not look away. There were marks there, wounds that had not yet completely healed. They looked remarkably like the scars on Emily's face.

"Tell me, Bella," Billy said slowly, letting his shirt fall back and resting back down again himself, "what weapon do you know that could make marks like those?"

"None," I replied. He nodded.

"I am an old man. When Sam told the boys they were not to divulge this information with anyone who did not already know or had permission from him I knew what he was telling them. But I am not included as part of the pack, so I don't have the same physical barrier that keeps them all from telling what they had been ordered not to. Sam asked me to adhere to the same rules as the pack, and I agreed. But I don't see how keeping you in the dark could do any good, nor how explaining this to you could do any harm. So listen to me now, Bella, and then when my son confesses to you later, pretend as though you did not know. Because he will tell you eventually.

"Years ago, when I was a young man, there passed by a group of people through my town. Only they were not people. They were creatures of evil. They killed to sustain life, and the members of my town began to drop off as they killed them one by one. I remember a strange thing happening to my father. He became larger, faster, stronger. He changed into something else to save our little town from the monsters that would destroy it. He was able to change his shape into that of a great black wolf; stronger and greater than any creature I had ever seen. But it was not only he that was able to do this. Several other men and women were able to do the same and become something stronger and faster than themselves to kill the monsters.

"When the last of the monsters was destroyed, its body torn apart and burned, my father returned to my mother and I and assured me that never again would such creatures destroy lives. And so that was true for many years. I grew up, got married and had a son. But a little over a year ago a family moved here, a family of murderous monsters. They claim to practice restraint, never feeding on human blood. But it is in the blood and genes of my family to oppose these…abominations. And so my son, and others as well, began to change and become the very things I remember my father being. Sam was the first and because of this he is in charge of the pack. All of them—Sam, Jacob, Quil, Embry, Paul, and Jared are each part of the next generation of wolves. They can phase at will, and even sometimes when they don't want to, which results in injury occasionally, as in Emily's case and mine. But I promise you have nothing to fear from my son. He has mastered his new form so much faster than anyone could have expected. But you understand why it is dangerous to provoke him, or for him to be around you when he is around one of the creatures. If he phased by accident and hurt you, I know he would never forgive himself."

I was taking in so much information in those minutes while he spoke. But then something flashed into my mind. Each time Dr. Cullen was here, Jacob made a point of leaving me behind while he was with them. And Edward has said they came here about a year before.

"The Cullens?" I asked breathlessly. Billy nodded grimly.

"All except the youngest. I don't know how that works, that he managed not to be changed, but so far he remains human. Which of course only makes my son more furious," he said. When I quirked my eyebrow at him he continued with that thought.

"To Jacob, that a human could live with those monsters, could call them his family, is more disgusting than the monsters themselves. That he knows what they are and still he continues to treat them like they are not beasts is not something Jacob can understand. Edward defends them like they are just people even though he knows they are not."

I nodded again and felt my mind begin to process all of this. Jacob and all of his friends were all werewolves. And the only reason they were werewolves was because Edward's family, only not Edward himself, were vampires. So of course Jacob and Billy detested the Cullens, and the Cullens were not overly fond of anyone who lived in this house. Suddenly all the things that had happened and all the conversations made sense. The danger I had been in at Edward's house when I cut my hands was far greater than I could ever have expected. And when both he and Jacob had told me they were only trying to keep me safe I could understand why they would assume that was necessary.

"Does that answer all your questions?" Billy asked. I nodded even though as I did so more questions sprang to my mind, but I needed time to figure out all the things I had just been told and the realizations that went along with it before I could ask more questions. I thanked him and rose to leave, to go clear my head in some way. Before I could exit however, Billy called out to me one last time.

"Bella? Don't be angry with him for not telling you when he could have. He was afraid. He wanted to tell you, but he was terrified you would be afraid of him," he told me. I nodded, logging that away with all the other information, and exited his room, closing the door quietly behind me.

After speaking with Billy I went straight to my room and paced for almost an hour as I reasoned things out. Jacob was a mythical creature. He was something people made up stories about. He wasn't something that existed in real life, at least not as far as most people knew. But they were real. He was a werewolf and so were the other five that were part of the pack. Sam led the pack and gave out the orders. What he said was law, and so if he told the boys not to tell anyone about being werewolves, they physically couldn't, which followed with Jacob's behavior the night before. But I was _marrying_ a werewolf.

But not only did I have to deal with werewolves, but vampires as well. In fact it was because of the vampires that there were werewolves. And even though Edward was not a mythical creature, his entire family was. I had felt that somewhere, that he was different from his family for more reasons than just the obvious ones.

My head was spinning. Billy had given me so much that I wasn't sure what to do with myself. And then I thought of tonight and that I was supposed to meet Edward at the meadow. Could I still go, knowing who he was now? But if I didn't show up he might think something was wrong. And I promised. I didn't now how I felt about anything anymore.

How was I supposed to handle all of this? I paced round my room, thinking myself in circles. Was I supposed to be afraid? Was I supposed to be angry or upset? Would any of that do a single thing? Or should I just accept the way things were and move on from there?

What I wanted was to speak to both Edward and Jacob. But I couldn't tell Jacob, both at Emily's urgings and the words of his father. So the only thing I could do was go and see Edward that night and pray for some sort of understanding or piece of mind once I knew the details of his side. But could I truly get any relief? If his family was as Billy said, bloodthirsty monsters that tried to prey on animals but could not help but kill human beings I didn't know if I could associate with them in any way, including through the youngest son that was not yet a monster. Which only led to another question: would Edward become a vampire when he was older? Is that what he wanted?

But even as my mind spun with more questions, I was beginning to come to terms with at least part of this. Jacob would not hurt me, as far as his father would promise. He had control over himself. I was not in danger with him. I told myself that over and over and finally I accepted it.

But what about the others? Were they as in control of themselves as Jacob? What if one of them became angry with someone one day and could not help but phase? What if there was no one there to protect me? How could I ever possibly stay here and be an equal if there was a chance that almost any person in the house could lose there temper and kill me?

A knock at my door interrupted my pacing. I called for whomever it was to come in. Jacob entered the room slowly, looking at me and most likely noticing my distressed manner.

"Are you okay, Bella?" he asked immediately. I nodded and said nothing more, not trusting myself to come up with a lie good enough to cover up my appearance. He took my lie at its value and raised his eyebrows before nodding.

"I wanted to talk to you about last night," he said after a moment.

"Sure."

"I'm sorry about the way I acted. I still stand by everything I said last night, but I just want you to know that…I didn't mean to upset or frighten you; I only needed to make you understand. And―"

"Its okay. I do understand. I wont ask you again. If the time ever comes where you can tell me, I will be more than willing to listen, but until then, I understand you can't."

"What happened to the 'determined to find answers' Bella?" he asked playfully. I smiled.

"I gave her the day off. Now what's for dinner?"

* * *

After Jacob and I left my room we went for a walk and picked early berries for the dessert that we were having that night. I spent the time trying to figure out if things were different knowing what I did now. But surprisingly it didn't change a thing to know what he was. He was still Jacob, and that was all that mattered.

But that night as I snuck out of my room and out of the house and down the garden path to the meadow I was wondering if I was doing the right thing. The things Billy had told me scared me. Edward didn't frighten me but what if things were different now? What if once he realized I knew his secret things changed for the worse?

It was all I could think of as I sat in the meadow waiting for him. I had brought the extra berries with me in case we wanted something to eat. As it turned out I didn't have to wait long before I saw a shape emerging from the woods by the edge of the meadow. When the moonlight threw Edward into relief I was stunned again by how gorgeous he was. The pale light intensified every line of his face, the twinkle in his smiling eyes, the glory of his crooked grin. I smiled back at him as he crossed to me without a word.

"Good evening, Bella," he said as though this was any other moment in time, as though we could be meeting up at some public place instead of meeting in secret.

"I trust these past few days have found you well," he said with a smile. I nodded and then grinned back in triumph. He gave me a strange look. And then he must have interpreted my smile because he visibly blanched.

"He told you," he said, his voice communicating a sort of disbelief.

"Not exactly. Jacob can't tell me. But I was able to figure things out thanks to his father and Sam's wife," I explained. He nodded and processed what I had said, still saying nothing.

"Your turn," I reminded him.

"You're not afraid to be there?" he asked. I shook my head.

"You should be. They are young, they can't always control themselves. Billy and Emily are prime examples of their lack of control. They might hurt you by accident," he told me.

"I know that. But I also know that it is just as possible that someone in your family might accidentally hurt someone," I reminded him.

"Do not ever say something like that," Edward said, his voice low. I hadn't expected that kid of reaction out of him, but his eyes were glittering with a hard look.

"My family doesn't kill people, Bella, we don't hurt anyone. We make sure that if there is a risk of that we take care of that member of the family to ensure that they don't make any mistakes. And they struggle each and every day to keep fighting their _nature_, but they do it. My father has so much control over his urges that he is a _doctor_. They don't―"

"Edward, hold on. You don't need to explain or defend them. I know what they do. I know they don't hurt people, and neither do you," I said, before he got too worked up. He closed his mouth and nodded.

"I told you I would answer your questions," he reminded me after a long moment of silence.

So I asked him everything I could think of—how long he had been with them, how long he had known they were vampires, about every myth and fact I could think of, why they had the feeding habits he was so ready to defend and anything else. There was only one question I had left to ask him, but it was the one I was most afraid to have answered.

"I only have one question left," I told him as I snatched another berry out of my basket I had brought them in. We were both lying in an identical manner, on our sides, propping our heads up on our hand, the other on being used to eat the fruit I brought with me.

"Ask me," he said.

"Are you going to be a vampire one day?" I asked. He smiled as though he had known I was going to ask him. It was possible he had.

"I don't know. As I told you, Carlisle only ever changed someone if they were going to die. I don't think he would want to take my mortal life, unless I asked him to and sincerely wanted to live with them forever. And sometimes, I do. Other times, I don't think I want to live forever. So maybe one day I will come to a more concrete decision, and that will dictate whether I will live for eternity with my family or not," he replied, munching on a few berries as he spoke. Occasionally our hands would brush as we would both reach for the fruit at the same moment and I would feel a sort of static in the air between us as though everything was charged and ready to spark.

I nodded when he finished speaking and we remained in a silence for a little while, where neither of us looked away nor said a word.

Eventually though, I could to stand the quiet any longer.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"I thought you said you only had one more question," he reminded me.

"Be serious please."

He shrugged.

"I don't know. I don't think we have to decide that this very moment. I thought perhaps we could just enjoy the rest of the night."

I sighed but nodded and when Edward laid back on the grass and flowers once more, I did the same. This time our arms brushed as we lay there, talking about nothing. I grew tired there, laying somewhere soft, with Edward's soft voice lulling me to sleep. As I grew more weary I could hear him begin to sing, some soft, sad song that led me straight to sleep.

When I woke up I was back in my bed. I didn't remember coming home or how I got there. I could only assume that Edward carried me. Beside me on my pillow was another rose and a note. I brought the rose to my face to smell as I read the note.

_Tonight? I will wait for you._

I sighed and put down the rose and the note.

A werewolf or the son of vampires.

Somehow, as Jacob had tried to tell me, things did not seem so simple anymore.


	6. No Good

That day seemed to be endless. I did much the same as I did everyday, talked with Jacob and the boys, read and went into town for a short while. Most days I was glad to have such a leisurely pace to my day, and yet today every inane activity seemed so dull. I felt like I was repeating something I had done hundreds of times before and was already bored of it. The only challenge that day was to keep Jacob from knowing I knew all about he and the pack. It wasn't difficult because he never brought anything up about them. He never hinted or slipped something in that he wasn't supposed to, whether that was his own caution or simply following the order he was given I didn't know. But either way, it was never a topic of discussion. I didn't ask about his secrets and he didn't offer any information.

While we were in town Jacob disappeared from my side for a while. He whispered something about an errand he had to do and went away before I had the chance to respond. I had only been talking to one of the shopkeepers that I knew and so I had no problem with him leaving for a while. I didn't even notice his return until he brushed my arm with his hand to draw my attention. His eyes were lit up with a smile so I excused myself from the conversation I was having.

"What have you done now?" I asked with a laugh. He only smiled and held his hand out to mine, his fist closed. I looked at him inquisitively and placed my hand beneath his.

In it dropped a small silver ring.

I was unable to much else but stare at it for a moment. I didn't know what to do with it at first. And then I realized that if I didn't do something with he was going to be confused. So I took it in my shaky hand and slipped it on the finger it was meant to go on. It was beautiful; there was no arguing that. But seeing it sitting there on my hand made me feel so strange, like there was really no going back now. Not that there ever really had been, but now every time I looked at my hand I was reminded of that.

But when I looked up into Jacob's face he appeared so excited that I managed a smile back. He scooped me up into a tight hug, lifting me clean off the ground. I couldn't help but laugh at how dramatic the moment was, but as soon as he put me down and we began walking home I began thinking again.

I was marrying a werewolf. And I knew that in truth, while it was strange and a little scary, until the day something happened because of that it would not bother me. Billy knew he would not hurt me, and his certainty convinced me of it as well. The only thing that still bothered me was that he had not told me. As far as I could understand, there had been weeks in which he could have told me about it, but he didn't. And of course I could not truly blame him for that. How could he know I wouldn't be horrified or think him insane? So I could not hold those weeks against him. But why didn't he ask Sam to tell me, or get permission to tell me himself now? I could not live not knowing of the true identities of the people I lived with, most especially the identity of my husband. I could not change what was, and as of this moment I was marrying a mythical creature.

But as the day wore on and the sun began to fade I starting thinking about a different kind of mythical creature. Edward's family was another group of supernatural beings that before yesterday, I hadn't believed to be real. And still I felt this sort of strange contradiction—my mind told me that I should be afraid, that thinking back on the moments leaving his house I should be terrified to ever see Edward or any of them again. But for some reason, I could not feel fear when I thought of the Cullens, Edward especially. The way he defended them so passionately showed how greatly he cared for them. And he had made a valid point. Every day they fought their nature, they fought what their bodies were meant to do so they wouldn't be monsters. I could not imagine the kind of control it would take to live each day surrounded by something that drew you in physically, and having the mental control over your body to resist. The strength it took for each of them was unimaginable to me.

And Carlisle! He was a doctor, he saw blood on a daily basis, breathed it in constantly and yet he was able to remain impassive. It seemed utterly impossible that such a feat was possible, and yet he did it. But of course thinking of their control and strength made me wonder who it was that had been so affected by the smell of my blood. I didn't have the gall to ask Edward which of his family had wanted to kill me, but I was still curious.

And so as night fell I thought more and more about his family, his life, how he came to be with them. He had told me the night before that the story he told me about his parent dying was the truth. They had been killed when he was only eight in a horrible robbery turned murder. He had been found the next day by a policeman who brought him to Dr. Cullen to be checked over. After learning of Edward's circumstances, he had offered to take him in. Edward had become his son as surely as though he was born to him.

By that time the rest of the family had already existed. Each of the others had already been changed and were each accustomed to feeding on something other than human blood. Even though there was a risk for Edward being in a house full of vampires, he had no other family and Carlisle refused to see him put in an orphanage. And so he lived with them for almost five years without a single second-guess about their strange behavior. But when he was around thirteen he began to wonder why he grew and got older but none of his family did. Why he was always the only one to eat at the dinner table when Esme cooked. Why he was always the first one to bed and the last one up in the morning. Why if he got cut everyone but his father had to flee, all claiming that the smell and sight of blood made them feel ill.

And so one day he asked his father point blank why he was different from them. And Carlisle being the man he is, decided he was old enough to understand and told him the truth about their family. Of course Edward had felt utterly betrayed and deceived at first. But eventually he came to accept that at eight years old he would not have been able to handle the existence of supernatural monsters, let alone that he was living in a house full of them. And when he came to understand them, why they hunted the way they did, why they lived together, and why they took him in even with the danger it posed, he came to love them al the more for it.

It was evident in every word he spoke of them that he loved them very much. The way he had reacted when I had spoke of them the night before had showed that he was realistic about them. He knew what they were, but he also knew what they were not. They were his family; they were not killers. They did not sleep in coffins and they were not burned by sunlight. But they thirsted after human blood like any hungry man would hunger after food set before him.

I could not help but respect his family for their restraint. Even if what they were scared me, which strangely it didn't, the fact that they were so ready to put themselves through physical hell to keep from being evil made me wonder how Jacob could hate them so much. They weren't hurting anyone and yet he despised them. And I was sure if he and Billy felt that way about them the rest of the pack did as well.

And that only made what I was doing more dangerous. I was cavorting with a person that was hated by every person I lived with. If any of them found out where I was going at night, or that I was meeting Edward I couldn't be sure what would happening. Even though nothing was happening between us, it wouldn't matter. I was spending time with the enemy.

And yet somehow that didn't dissuade me from wanting to go see Edward that night. Even as I crept outside when I was sure everyone else was sleeping I thought of the way this would look if I were to be caught with him. And yet I went on, slipping outside and then down the same path I had walked so many times before, both with and without Edward. As I walked I took off my engagement ring and slipped into my pocket. He had said I could just be Bella with him. I didn't want any reminders of the other woman I had to be when I wasn't with him.

When I arrived he was there already, lying on his back with his gorgeous eyes closed, his hands folded behind his head. I walked as quietly as I could manage across the meadow to him, hoping to surprise him. But as soon as I was a little over three steps away his lips curled into a smile.

"Honorable effort, Bella, but I heard you coming the whole way," he said without opening his eyes.

"You ruin all my fun," I teased. He opened his eyes and looked at me as I collapsed upon the ground beside him.

"Did you carry me in last night?" I asked. He smiled and nodded.

"I still don't understand how you manage to do things like that and not get caught," I told him. He grinned again.

"When you live with vampires as long as I have, some of their stealth rubs off on you," he replied simply. I laughed lightly and we continued to chat idly for a while. An hour or so passed quickly, as though it had been but a minute. And still we continued to talk and laugh and enjoy the other. It never felt as easy to be myself as it did when I was with Edward. And it seemed as though he felt the same way about me.

He told me he had informed his family that I knew about their secret. No one was incredibly surprised that I had been told, although they weren't particularly happy about it. He promised them I would not tell a soul about it. He said they trusted him even if they didn't trust me, so they would not cause any problems.

"They aren't angry?" I asked tentatively. He shook his head.

"They think us both fools, I can tell you that. They don't understand why in risk so much to sneak off with you in the night," he told me with a smile.

"Neither do I," I confessed. He gave me a strange look, as though out of all the people in the world I should understand.

"I'm engaged," I argued

"You deserve more," he replied simply.

"How do you know what I deserve? I asked, a little taken aback that he would so boldly claim such a thing.

"You can't even mention your wedding without your voice trembling or looking nervous. You told me this isn't what you want for yourself, and even if you hadn't I would have known by the way you spoke about it. Don't tell me you have decided that being a married woman and never living the way you wish is what you have decided to aspire to," he said, his last words coming out incredibly sardonic. But I couldn't argue with him. He wasn't wrong. I didn't want this, I never had. He was the only person I had ever truly confessed that to and so I could not refute him. He was, after all, using my own words to prove his point. So I stayed silent.

Edward's eyes stayed locked with mine through the silence. And then he inched toward me slowly. Every move he made brought him closer to me and with each move he made I found it harder to breathe. My heart was beating right out of my chest. One of his hands came to my face and brushed the hair from my eyes as he had begun doing so frequently. But now the small gesture felt like so much more. I shook when his skin connected with mine, so gentle but so intense.

"We can't," I said, my weak protest going unnoticed as he continued to look into my eyes, his own flicking lower every so often. He was so close by then I could feel him smile even though I couldn't see it. But he said nothing still.

"We can't," I whispered again. But this time even I didn't believe me.

When his lips met mine for a moment I think both of us were too shocked to know what to do. But then I fully grasped what was happening. And I knew it was wrong. I knew I couldn't be kissing another man. It was one thing to go meet a friend out in the middle of the night, but it was another completely to go _kissing_ that friend in the middle of the night.

But as wrong as I knew it was, I had never felt anything so right in the whole of my life. My skin seemed to be electrified in that first moment, my blood ran hotter and faster. And before I knew what I was doing, I was clinging to him fervently. My hands twisted in his hard, my body pressed closer to him of its own accord. And he did similarly, holding me close with one arm around my waist and the other at the back of my neck. I felt like every second we kissed I was going slowly insane, being driven crazy with the way my body reacted to his touch.

After a moment or an hour, I couldn't quite, tell we drew apart, gasping for breath; his forehead leaned against mine, his eyes closed as he simply breathed. I felt like my skin was on fire and every breath I drew was intoxicating me. It scared me beyond belief that I could feel like this at all, and that it was Edward that made me experience such a physical high.

"Bella, I am…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose control like that," he said slowly, his voice still weak, like he had forgotten how to speak.

"You don't have to apologize," I said, my voice sounding so similar to his. But even as he was apologizing, even as he told me he didn't mean to kiss me he still hadn't moved. His eyes were still closed, his face still a mere inch from mine.

"But I―"

I stopped his words with another kiss, this one slower, no less passionate, just a little more careful. His hands held my face, sliding down to my shoulders and the small of my back. I shivered almost continually through the entire kiss, feeling a sort of adrenaline high rushing through me. When this one broke he pulled me close, holding me against his warm chest.

"Oh Bella," he whispered in my ear. I made a sound of concurrence but said nothing more. My body was shaking as the peak of kissing Edward slowly wore off. But I didn't want it to. So I turned my face and touched my lips to the part of his neck I had been nuzzled against. He made a sort of shocked gasping sound and froze. I didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing, but I took my chances and did it again. I heard him sigh. And as I continued his hands began to fidget, tracing circles on my back, running through my hair.

He felt like he was literally melting beneath my touch. His whole body relaxed and eventually he leaned back, lying on the ground as he did so often in this meadow. I was lying beside him, enjoying kissing him, focusing only on that. We remained that way for a while, before he let out a playful growl and swapped our positions, so I was the one on my back.

"Hey!" I exclaimed. He grinned at me.

"I ruin your fun, remember?" he reminded me, dropping his lips to act identically as mine had. And of course I couldn't actually be mad with him doing that. Every time he touched me I felt another bolt of heat sear through me. It was like torture. Eventually I simply couldn't stand it and I pulled his face to mine to kiss him again.

It occurred to me after that kiss as we were just lying together that I felt so out of character. I had never been the type of woman to go around kissing people, even if I did know them and their very presence frequently drove me wild. But then again, I had never met anyone like Edward. I had never been around someone that made me feel the way he did, so free and intelligent and unique. But of course this was horrible timing.

"Why so quiet?" he asked after a while. I sighed.

"If Jacob ever found about this, I am more or less certain he would kill you," I replied calmly, masking the very real fear that was behind that sentiment. If he ever discovered where I had been going at night, or what had transpired tonight he would surely find Edward and kill him on the spot. And if he were to do that I could only imagine what kind of hell would break loose between the pack and Edward's family. I didn't want to think about them all fighting.

But I especially didn't want to think of Edward hurt in any way, or Jacob for that matter.

"I don't think Jacob is that foolish," he said, his voice harder than it had been.

"Perhaps not, but I am not sure he would have as much control as he would need to keep from…from phasing and attacking you," I told him. He looked at me, glancing down past his shoulder where I was lying with him.

"You don't need to be worried," he told me, his voice having changed back into its usually soothing quality.

"But I am. What if someone find out? What if someone tells him and then he comes after you? What if this whole thing sparks some huge…dispute between your family and the pack? I don't want to be the reason people get hurt," I said slowly.

"I can take care of myself."

"Against Jacob? Against a _werewolf_? Honestly, Edward, I know you're no wimp, but I don't think you could take down something built to destroy vampires."

"I know," he whispered back.

"I wont see you hurt because of me," I said resolutely.

"I promise I will be fine."

I sat up then and Edward sat with me, I assumed to keep in physical contact with me. His arms remained around me, holding me against him at least partially. I looked up at the sky then, noticing how light it was getting. It would not be sunrise for another hour, but that was close enough for me.

"You have to go," he said sadly, already knowing the answer to his own question. I nodded, just as sad to be going.

"I want to see you again. Tonight," he said with an urgency I had never heard in him before. When I didn't respond right away he leaned in and kissed me gently. "Tonight," he said softly before kissing me again. "And every other night." I continued kissing him for as long as he let me, which was longer than he should have. Eventually we both withdrew, knowing we should have gone minutes before but didn't have the will to go.

"You'll come then?" he asked. I nodded after a moment of hesitation. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. Edward kissed my eyelids and then my mouth once more.

"This is so dangerous," I reminded him.

"I don't care," he retorted. I rolled my eyes at him, but I believed him anyway. We walked together along the path, hand in hand until we had to part ways. And even though we were closer to the house I let him kiss me again. I didn't think a person could have so much passion in them. The way he grasped at me, seeming desperate just to hold on to me for another moment made me just as giddy as his ample supply of kisses.

"I have to go," I eventually said. He laughed a little, very quietly.

"Tonight," he said.

"Tonight," I repeated. He smiled and then disappeared into the woods as I went back towards the house.

I saw my reflection in the mirror and almost laughed out loud. My hair was a mess. My lips were swollen and cherry red. I was flushed and wild eyed like I had just been with a lover. And it struck me that I had.

I had never pictured myself as the type of woman to have a lover, but there I was in my bathroom, washing my face and rinsing the taste of his kisses from my mouth and off my skin. I crawled into bed just as the sun peaked above the hills and slept for a few good hours until I woke for breakfast.

Before I went downstairs I slid my engagement ring back on. I looked at it for along moment as I walked, wondering what sort of sin it was to put an engagement ring on after coming home from visiting another man. But while I was distracted I didn't see the figure coming toward me.

I slammed into Jacob roughly, almost falling to the ground if he hadn't caught me. He smiled down at me, laughing quietly at my clumsiness. I blushed up at him as he set me on my feet.

"Good morning," he said, still laughing.

"Morning," I mumbled back.

We talked casually as we walked down to breakfast, where Jacob once again ate more than any person could possibly fit inside them. And at first I thought maybe it was just part of being a werewolf, but even the other boys couldn't pack down as much as he could. I watched in fascination as he ate for a good ten minutes after I was done. When he realized he was the only one still eating out of the four people sitting there—Sam and Emily joined us for breakfast that morning—he grinned sheepishly.

We sat around the table talking for a long while after, just relaxing and enjoying the other's company. After almost an hour there was a tapping at the door and one of the housekeepers said that Dr. Cullen was here to attend to Billy. Jacob excused himself and I stayed behind with Emily and Sam.

I stayed with them for a short while, before I too excused myself to just go wander about and think some more. I hadn't realized how strange it was to be the only one in a room that had to act like I had no idea what was happening. It killed me not to shout that I knew what they were and they didn't have to hide it anymore, but I had made promises to a few people that I would do no such thing.

I went and sat outside for a while, just to clear my head and breathe some fresh air before finding Jacob again to do whatever it was he had in mind for the day. I was sitting on a bench outside when I heard someone exit the house and begin walking away. I looked up and there Dr. Cullen was, walking not away from the house, but toward me.

He looked calm enough, but still resolute. I stood to greet him.

"Good morning Dr. Cullen," I said kindly.

"Walk with me, Bella," he said quietly. We both headed off down the gravel drive that led away from the house and to the main road. It was quite a long walk from then house to the road and so there would be ample time for discussing whatever it was that he wanted to discuss.

When we were far from the house he looked me straight in the eyes and sighed.

"Call it off," he said slowly. I must have looked puzzled because he sighed again.

"My son cares a great deal for you. And when he came home this morning I was sure he was drunk because I had never seen him that euphoric in all his life. But upon a closer look I could tell he had been with you. Your scent was all over him, and I will tell you know you have a very noticeable scent. He comes home smelling of you with a grin on his face and I can only imagine what he will look like the day you are married to Jacob. You will break him, Bella. You cannot expect him to watch you marry another while he loves you. You must call it off now, before he cares too much for you. I am asking as a father."

I stared at him dumbly.

"Dr. Cullen―"

"Bella, I do not often beg, but I am begging you now. I will not stand to see my son hurt in any way. I don't want him to have a lover that will only break his heart."

I walked with him in silence, not knowing what to say.

"What will happen when Jacob finds out his fiancé, or perhaps his wife by that time is seeing another man? I don't know the details of your relationship, but I know that if I were to find out that my wife, the woman I love above all others was sleeping with another man I would be furious. Enough to kill him," he told me.

"I know," I whispered back.

"And so you risk his life?" he asked.

"No. I _told_ him, I told him not to get involved with me. But I think he sees something in me that he sees within himself. We are both I lives we didn't choose, but we make the best of them. The only difference is, Edward thinks he can change mine."

"And can he?" he asked, a real curiosity in his voice then.

"Dr. Cullen, my father did what he thought was right by promising my hand in marriage to Jacob. He though he would be ensuring that I was taken care of if he did so. Whether it was the right or the wrong choice now doesn't so much matter as does the facts of the matter at hand. I wish every day I had known Edward before this entire ordeal. I wish I had met him and I had been able to ask my father to be with him instead of this. But I didn't. And now I am stuck somewhere I don't want to be. Edward wants to change my life, he wants to take me along into this new world that I don't know and make me happy. And, _God_, I wish he could. But imagine what that would do. Imagine what Jacob would do if he found out that Edward took me away from him?"

Dr. Cullen nodded.

"I understand. All the more reason to call it off now. It wont be so hard now than if you wait," he reminded me. I nodded. We had reached the end of the drive.

"I'm sorry to be such a hassle, Dr. Cullen," I sighed. He smiled gently.

"Call me Carlisle, Bella."

I nodded and turned to go back to the house.

"Bella? Will you answer me one thing?" he asked.

"Certainly."

"Do you care for him?"

"More than I thought I could care for another person," I answered without thinking. He nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't know. I feel like I can be more me with him than any other time. And he makes me think that maybe things can be better, like I can have anything I want and I don't have to be sorry about wanting any of it. And I don't want to hurt him, that is the last thing I want. I tried to talk him out of it last night. I tried to make him understand what he was getting himself into, but he wouldn't hear it. He's not invincible, even if you are. I just wish I could make him see that I am no good for him," I mused.

"I don't think that is the truth at all. I think you are plenty good for each other, the best for each other perhaps, but your circumstances are less than favorable."

"This I know," I replied. He smiled at me with a sad look in his eyes.

"Don't hurt my son," he said softly, his voice that same soft plea it had been before.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"That doesn't mean you won't."

I looked at my hands, at the engagement ring on my finger, and felt a swell of anger for the first time in weeks. I hated that I had to be pulled apart by what I wanted and what I was supposed to do. I hated myself for setting Edward up to be hurt because I was too careless and indulgent to do what was right from the start. I should never have let him become so involved, but I _wanted_ him there with me. I wanted to see him, to learn about him, to care for him, and certainly to kiss him. But my wants were now putting him in a position to be hurt, either by my betrayal or by Jacob's retribution.

"It would be the right thing to do to end it tonight, to tell him in that meadow you share that you cannot see him anymore. It would be the right thing to do. But if you didn't, if you continued to see each other, I would understand," Carlisle said softly, as though he was coming to realize how difficult this was for me.

"But would you forgive me?" I asked with shame in my voice.

"It wouldn't matter if I forgave you. It will matter if Edward can forgive you. And as far as I can tell, for Edward, you can do no wrong."

I smiled sadly.

"Will he hate me?" I asked, my voice shaking. Carlisle shook his head.

"Never, Bella. He probably won't understand. Edward sees the world as he wants it to be, not always as it is. He could never hate you, but he will likely always care for you. He won't understand why you tell him you can't be with him, and he will fight you, Bella, you know he will. He is stubborn when he needs to be and he will fight you for hours if you let him. Don't give him more of a reason to fight for you."

I nodded again and sighed, feeling my breath shake as it passed though my lips.

"Take care," Carlisle said, clearly realizing there was nothing more we could say to the other.

"You too," I whispered in return. But he was already gone, walking too fast to be human. No one would see him but me and so it didn't matter. As soon as he was out of sight I sank to my knees and heaved a sob of anger and desperation. I only wanted to be happy, damn it, and now I had to give up the one thing that guaranteed that I would be. I pulled the ring from my finger that symbolized my entrapment and threw it into the underbrush, only more angry with myself afterwards because I would have to find it.

But at that moment I was only thinking about that night and Edward. How could I tell him not to see me anymore, how could I make him see that I would only hurt him? What if he wouldn't go and something happened to him? I had created such a horrible mess. I had to try and fix it, if only for Edward's sake. He had told me last night that I deserved more than this. Well he deserved more than me.

I just had to make him see it.


	7. Persuasion

After a long moment I collected myself and found my ring from the grass it was lying in. I put it back on as I walked back to the house. I was trying not to think of what I was going to have to do tonight. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to lose him either. But in order for him to be safe, I was going to have to do both.

When I got back to the house Jacob intercepted me. He began talking about something he wanted to do that day but I had to stop him. I couldn't go through the day and act like I wasn't planning on breaking off something that hadn't even truly began between Edward and I. So I told him I was feeling ill and I wanted to go lie down for a while. After I assured him that I was just feeling a little under the weather and there was nothing for him to be seriously worried about he let me go. I did go to my room and lie in my bed for a while, only wanting to sleep and escape thoughts of what I had to do later that night.

But even when I did sleep I could not forget about Edward. I dreamt first of kissing him again, as though my memories were simply playing back to me over and over in sweet slow motion. But every time this began it always ended the same way. We would kiss and the break apart slowly, our eyes still locked. Then Edward would lean in to kiss me again. And then from the shadows of the woods a giant wolf would leap. Each time I saw this happen I was shocked and frozen. Even if I wanted to I could not move to save him. And so then each time I saw Edward killed, over and over. And each time it ripped my heart into pieces.

I woke up gasping a few hours later after seeing Edward's gory death for a fourth or fifth time. I felt truly sick then, trying to forget the images my mind had created. I was covered in a sheen of cold sweat, hot tears stinging my eyes and running down my cheeks. If such an image in a dream could make me feel so terrible, what would I do if it were to happen in real life?

I was able to rinse the sweat and tears off my body before descending to the lower level of the house to prove to Jacob I was feeling better. But as I passed mirrors and noticed my reflection I realized I looked worse, not better. So before entering the dining room where I could hear voices I took a few good, deep breaths. I steadied my body and my mind as much as I possibly could. And then I pushed open the door and greeted the group sitting around the table.

Jacob looked up at me and patted the chair beside him for me to sit down. I did so and surprisingly, I think to everyone there but Jacob and I especially, I leaned my head against his shoulder. I needed the support, in both the physical and emotional way. He didn't know that he was sustaining my emotional equilibrium at the moment, but it felt good to have someone to lean on, even if they didn't know what they were doing. He moved and put his arm around me, in a way that felt both friendly and intimate, as though he was doing it as a friend would, wanting it to be something more. Normally this would have bothered me, but I didn't have the energy to be bothered by much of anything. Conversation continued around me, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was only thinking about tonight, what I would have to say and praying that what I saw in my dreams would never happen.

"Bella?"

I looked up from the table to who was talking. It was Emily across the table from me, her eyes full of concern.

"Sorry, I was lost in thought," I said. She smiled and nodded.

"I was just asking if you wanted something to eat. We all already had dinner, if you're hungry we'll get you something," she offered. I couldn't believe I had slept that long. I had gone straight through lunch and dinner without waking. Granted, the past few nights I had not gotten much sleep, but I thought I would lie down for an hour or two, not half the day. I accepted her offer if only to appease Jacob. I knew he wouldn't like it if I were sleeping my day away and then not eating. Some food was set in front of me soon after and I picked at it enough for him not to complain.

I didn't realize how distracted I was by my own thoughts until I realized that Jacob, Sam, Emily and I were the only ones left in the dining room. I didn't even know they others had left. I finally tuned in to the conversation going on around me so I would not seem like I hadn't been paying any attention this entire time.

They weren't talking about anything all that exciting, but I still listened. They talked about how pleasant the weather was, Jacob's father's condition, a brief mention of the wedding and then on to a visit Emily's parents were making into town when they were going to stay with us. If it had ever struck me as strange before that so many people lived under one roof it certainly didn't bother me now. Finally understanding who they all truly were made it easier for me to understand why they would all live together, but even from the beginning they seemed too much like family and so it never seemed odd.

The evening wore on and eventually both Sam and Emily excused themselves for bed. Jacob yawned widely beside me. I was not tired then; only because of all the sleep I had gotten earlier. And though the thought of curling up in my bed was comforting, the memories of my dreams dispelled any attractive quality to that idea. But continuing on with the façade I had created I told Jacob I was tired and was going to go and sleep.

"You must be coming down with something if you are sleeping so much," he said as we walked upstairs. I nodded, maintaining silence. We went our separate ways at the top of the steps, I to my room and he to his after a short goodnight. I always waited an hour after Jacob went to bed to sneak out. I could only guess that his senses were heightened just like Edward said his family's were. I couldn't risk trying to get away while he was awake. There was no way I would have gotten past him. So I passed the hour staring at the three roses Edward had left for me over time, one was dried and black, the next fading fast and the last was still clinging to the glory of life. I looked upon them and tried not to think about what I was going to do. Before I left I tucked away the roses once more and left my ring with them in that same drawer.

I found Edward the same as I had the night before, already lying about in the meadow. Only tonight he was staring up at the stars, and I could see his lips moving, as though he was speaking to someone. As I drew closer he looked over at me and grinned, his mouth still moving. It wasn't until I was right next to him that I could hear him singing. And as much as I knew I should get this torture over with I collapsed beside him, letting him wrap me in his firm embrace for a while, his soft melodious voice floating through the air as I reveled in the warmth of his skin.

Finally he stopped his singing and his lips touched the top of my head. I shifted and looked up at him, at which point his lips met mine, an intimate hello. But I pulled away from his affection before I let it take me over. I felt the swell inside me as it rose to meet his desperate passion. But I simply couldn't. If I gave in now and kissed him the way I wanted to kiss him, let him pull me under, I would never resurface.

"Something wrong?" he asked me quietly, his lips still brushing the skin of my cheek as he did.

"We can't do this," I told him, sitting slowly. He arose to a sitting position a moment later, a look of utter bewilderment on his face.

"Bella, I don't understand," he said, his voice reflecting the look in his eyes.

"I know you don't. And I wish I could explain it in a way that you could grasp. But it's too dangerous. There is too much at risk here for it to continue."

"Why are you saying this? Bella, I have never felt like this about anyone. My whole life I have felt so excluded because I didn't have a companion and now―"

"You still don't. You wont ever be able to fully have me, Edward. I wish I could change things, but I _cant_," I replied. I was begging now, begging not to have to go on and convince I was no good for him.

"What if we left? We could just go away. They would never find us."

"And Jacob would never stop looking. He dislikes the idea of us being _friends_, what do you think he would say if he knew we ran off together? He would hunt you down, and when he found you he would kill you. And if he couldn't find you, he would go after your family. I wont have it," I argued. His face was unmoved, as though he had already thought of this. He knew all my arguments ahead of time. This one, however, he did not refute.

"Where would this end, Edward?" I asked quietly, not really looking for an answer.

"Who says it has to?" he asked in return. I laughed and sighed sadly.

"Of course it would. Whether it would be my leaving you because I had to keep us both safe, or you leaving me to get married to another woman, or Jacob finding us out and something happening to you, it would have to end. I don't want any of that to happen, Edward."

He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again for a long moment.

"I don't want to let you go," he told me.

"And I don't want your blood on my hands because I was too weak to do what was right."

"I will be okay, Bella. I promise."

"You keep saying that."

"Because its true," he murmured. I tried to smile at him and failed. His body being torn apart, his perfect face destroyed right in front of me…my mind would not stop replaying the images behind my eyes.

"What sudden fear has driven you to say this?" he asked quietly, reaching his hand out to touch my face. I wanted to withdraw from physical contact with him, but I was far too weak at that point. His fingers brushed my skin and I felt the same wave threatening to take me over.

"No sudden fear. Only steady realizations I have been making."

"Did anyone help you with these realizations?" he asked, his fingers tracing the shape of my lips as his eyes looked into mine.

"Your father came to the house to treat Billy and we had a conversation," I admitted. As soon as I said this, his hand retracted and he looked as though he had been bitten. I looked at him confused and realized I never should have told him his father had anything to do with this.

"And what exactly did my father say?" he asked, his voice both interrogative and annoyed.

"He asked me not to hurt you. But Edward, he was only echoing my own thoughts! Everything he said only reminded me of something I had already thought of. I have thought of my wedding day and having to marry Jacob and know that I don't love him, and that the man I do care for is somewhere else. I have thought of what it would do to us both on that day. What would you say to me after I have sworn before a crowd of people to honor my husband and it isn't you? You don't get anything from this but pain!" I exclaimed. He looked at me for a long moment and then smiled meekly.

"I get you," he replied. I closed my eyes and turned away, trying to breathe and steady myself. He wasn't making this easy for me. Here I was trying to spare him pain and he was doing nothing more than making it impossible for me to do it.

"Please don't be charming now. This is hard enough as it is," I whispered.

"Then don't do it."

"Edward―"

"Stop thinking about me for a moment and think about yourself. What do you want, Bella? Do you want to leave tonight and never come back here to meet me? If that is _truly_ what you desire then I wont ask you to come back here. But if you are only saying it to protect me…please just tell me you'll stay. I know I'm being selfish, but Bella, I would rather have whatever time we can get, even if it is just a few nights a week for a few months and love you as much I can between now and whenever this reaches what you assume to be its inevitable end, than leave here tonight and know that I can never see you again. I understand what you are saying, I truly do. If I were you I would be making the same arguments, fighting you to keep from hurting you. But if you felt what I felt last night you would know that even if you leave me tonight, I'll always be with you."

I could not argue with him. I knew that even if I left him tonight I would still think of him.

"I have thought of all those things too, you know. I have thought about your wedding day and how beautiful you would look, even if it weren't for me. I have thought about seeing you for the first time after that and wondering if anything would be different about you other than the title. But I have realized something as well, Bella. Marriage, while incredibly inconvenient and complicating things exponentially would not change who you are. You would still be my Bella," he murmured. He reached for me again and I closed my eyes when his hands touched my face, holding it tenderly between them.

"I'm not your Bella," I whispered, my eyes still closed.

"Do you really believe that?" he asked, his voice as low as mine.

I opened my eyes and looked into his as he leaned into me, resting his forehead against mine. It wasn't fair. I had come here sickened to my core, knowing what had to be done but resolute at least that I was going to do it. But every second I spent with his hands touching my face, his eyes looking into mine, I felt my determination breaking.

"I'm no good for you," I told him, my voice almost inaudible.

"I don't care."

"We can't ever have more than this."

"I know."

"I don't understand how this is going to work."

"'How' doesn't matter."

"Edward, I don't under―"

He silenced me with a kiss, gentle and imploring. If he was asking me if I cared for him, if I wanted him the way he wanted me, he got his answer the second I responded, reaching for him with the same impetuous frenzy with which he reached for me. Even after the kiss he was clinging to me, like he was afraid I would vanish into thin air if he didn't hold me there. I figured after the argument we had just been having it was possible that it was a very real fear of his.

I didn't know how long we stayed that way, his arms holding me tight against him, my head resting on his shoulder, breathing in the smell of him, wondering only how long this could last. Realistically, somewhere in knew it shouldn't last at all, that no one was ever lucky enough to balance one life on one hand and another on the other without them falling down upon them. And as much as I didn't want to risk it hurting Edward, he was dead set in his opinion that I wouldn't hurt him, and even if he did he would only be grateful for the time he had.

I hoped that should it come to that, the time we had would be enough.

Eventually I realized that I should be leaving if I was to get back home in time to do what needed to be done. I realized that every night I had come home from being with Edward I had rinsed off, likely washing his scent off of me. I had to operate under the assumption that even though the werewolves and vampires were very different mythical creatures, they had similar abilities, namely increased strength, speed and senses. So it could have been that merely by accident Edward and I hadn't been discovered. I didn't know how strong his scent was, but Carlisle had told me that mine was very noticeable. Buy now that I knew, or thought I knew, about the abilities of the wolves I would have to be more careful. I would have to leave earlier to wash up and make sure Jacob never noticed.

"I need to go home now," I said, my words muffled into his shoulder. I sat up straight and looked at Edward in the ever growing light. His hair was that same ruffled bronze that looked so unkempt and gorgeous. His eyes were visible only as a vague outline, but I could feel him looking at me and that comforted me in the strangest way. When he looked at me he saw who I was, not as a figure or a woman I tried to be for him.

"One more moment," he asked, his voice a teasing plea. I could hear the smile in his voice. He knew he had won this fight. I think we were both aware that it would certainly not be the last time we had that particular argument, but for the moment I was still his, as I had arguably always been since we met. He kissed me once and then smiled. He leaned in to kiss me again and I pulled away.

"You said one moment," I said.

"One more," he begged, kissing me again. I smiled as his mouth touched mine but finally pulled away.

"I have to go."

"But you'll stay?"

"Yes."

He grinned at me, that alluring, charming crooked smile. I felt my heart melting right then and there. He knew he had me before he even asked the question he just wanted to hear me say it. We began walking back as we had the night before, fingers intertwined.

"One of my sisters would like to meet you again," he told me as we walked.

"I hope its Alice," I replied. He laughed and then nodded.

"Is it alright with you if I bring her along tonight?" he asked. I nodded and we walked the rest of the way in silence. We kissed once more before parting and then I went back into the house and cleaned myself up.

The pattern was becoming strangely familiar, slipping into bed at sunrise, sleeping for a few hours and then going about my life as though nothing strange was going on. And really, in truth, having a lover wasn't strange; it just wasn't something I had ever pictured myself doing. Not that Edward and I were lovers in the most traditional sense of the word. But so far as I could tell, in any other sense it was just as intense and passionate as any other affair over the years.

It gave me more than my fair share of guilt when I thought of Jacob and the whole predicament we were in, but even when I _tried_ to end it, tried to break it off, Edward gave me a million reasons why I shouldn't and I couldn't say no. I didn't _want_ to say no. And that was why his arguments were so persuasive, because he knew that he had me already. I didn't want to leave him, but I thought I was for the best.

I didn't think I could be that strong again.

* * *

"She should be here any minute," Edward assured me, looking off into the woods in the direction he thought his sister Alice should be coming from. We had been sitting in our meadow for a little over twenty minutes, talking and kissing and waiting for her.

"You said that five minutes ago. And five minutes before that," I reminded him with a grin. He glared at me but then leaned over and kissed me. What was surely intended as a brief kiss turned into something more, his hands wrapped around me, pulling me close.

A small soprano voice laughed quietly before clearing her throat. Edward broke from me, laughing a little as he did. He looked up at the pixie like woman walking toward us and grinned.

"Hello, Alice," he said, his voice still coated in mirth. She smiled and sat down, folding gracefully onto the ground beside us.

"Nice to see you again, Bella," she said.

"You too, Alice."

"I think our first meeting was cut a bit short by my idiotic brother."

"Which one?" I asked. Edward glared at me again and nudged me playfully and Alice laughed.

"So you and my brother have quite the tryst going I see?" she asked. I opened my mouth to respond but didn't know what to say.

"I don't know, uh, what to say to that," I stammered. She only smiled again.

"Don't worry about it, Bella, I'm not going to tattle on you. Edward needs some companionship. And obviously it can't be with some vampire. He needs human contact. He's had too little of it over the years, he spends too much time with us," she told me. I felt Edward fidget beside me.

"Alice," he said, his voice annoyed as any brother might be with his sister. It made me laugh a little but I said nothing.

"Really, though, Bella, I like seeing him happy. And as far as I have seen, you have nothing but more of that in your future. Its not set in stone of course, but you understand," she continued. I nodded at her and looked over at Edward. He was looking at me as well.

Edward had explained to me before Alice had come another part of being a vampire. Some of them were gifted with certain talents. Alice was gifted with the talent of a certain type of precognition. She could see future events as they were shaped by the choices made in the present. Jasper, her husband, was an empath, able to feel and influence other people's emotions.

"But I must admit, I am surprised that you told Edward that Carlisle came to see you. It caused quite an argument this morning," she told me. I turned to Edward and quirked and eyebrow at him. He rolled his eyes.

"I told him he needn't get involved. I know what I am doing and the risks I am taking. And that I am not the only one taking risks here, either," he explained.

"He's your father, Edward, he's trying to be helpful," Alice argued.

"I'm an adult, Alice. I am more than capable of taking care of myself," he responded. She sighed but nodded. Clearly, they had already had this argument. After a moment of particularly awkward silence the conversation picked up again. We spent the night conversing with Alice and I found that I very much liked her. She was quirky and funny, but also genuine. She seemed so ready to just accept me as part of Edward's life without a second thought. It was amazing how easy going she was about our affair.

I had thought that if Carlisle was so sure that we needed to call off our tryst, surely his whole family must feel the same. But as far as Alice told me the only ones who were skeptical about it were Carlisle, for the reasons he gave me, and Rosalie for some reason unbeknownst to the rest of us. It heartened me to know that at least _someone_ was supportive, even if they didn't really know me. I couldn't expect any acceptance from my side, so if I could only take it from Edward's family, I would.

When the sky began to lighten Edward and Alice walked over to the side of the meadow and talked quietly for a few minutes. I realized it was a private conversation, but I was curious what they were talking about. After a few minutes Edward crossed back over to me and extended a hand to help me up. He pulled me up and we headed home slowly.

"She likes you. Granted she was pretty sure she liked you before, seeing as she could already see how things were going, but she thinks you're an interesting girl. I'm sure you can imagine how much better it feels to know my family doesn't hate the idea of my being with you."

"My father doesn't even know we've met," I told him. He smiled at me sadly.

"I feel terrible, you know, that you don't have anyone but me to talk to about this. Even if my family doesn't like what I am doing, they still know about it. You don't have a single soul to talk to. I can't imagine how hard that is," he said, a concerned look on his face as we walked. We stopped at our normal spot to say goodbye and Edward drew me close.

"You spend all this time worrying if you're hurting me, Bella, you don't give me any time to worry about you," he whispered in my ear. I smiled a little against his chest.

"Don't," I replied. Edward tilted my face so he could look at me. It was light enough that I could see the faint color of his eyes, only a shadow of their true brilliant green.

"That's like asking me not to breathe, Bella, I can't help it. Spending a whole day away from you at a time drives me crazy as it is. But I know we can't see each other in front of other people. We would never be able to hide it."

I smiled at him and he kissed me, bringing a full grin to my lips as he did. He made me happy with such a small gesture.

"Get home and get some rest. I'll see you tonight," he whispered against my skin. I nodded and then scampered off with a smile. I was thinking about how quickly I could wash up and get in bed.

But when I rounded the corner to the front of the house I stopped dead, the smile gone from my lips, the joy gone from me completely.

"Bella, where were you?"


	8. What We Know

I didn't know what to say. My mind was racing, trying to figure a lie that would possibly be believable. I was only thankful that Emily could not smell Edward on me.

"I went for a walk. I couldn't sleep. But now I just want to wash up and go rest for a while, I think I am finally tired enough to get some sleep," I lied, smiling at her as though this was the most natural thing. She looked at me skeptically for a moment, but then nodded. I walked toward her to get to the door but as my hand reached for the handle she said my name again.

"Bella, there are tiny flowers and grass in your hair," she told me, her hand plucking a little white blossom from my locks. It had happened before that when Edward and I were lying together on the ground in the meadow some of the ground cover ended up stuck in my hair or on my clothes. I was always able to get rid of it as I washed in the morning. But she had gotten to me before I was able to remove them from my clothing and hair.

"I took a walk through the garden and decided to look at the stars for a while. There were little flowers on the ground and must have gotten in my hair. I'll have to pick them all out," I laughed, more out of nerves than anything else. I hoped it sounded like something a woman with the annoying task of picking flowers from her hair would do, but of course I couldn't be sure. The look on Emily's face was becoming more incredulous as time wore on, and I knew my story sounded less believable. But I could not waste time wondering if I was being believed or not, I needed to get inside and wash up before any of the boys awoke and was able to tell where I had truly been.

"Where along the path is there a place like that? It sounds lovely," she commented, her cynical eyes still staring into mine.

"Over by the willows. But I really should get inside," said, continuing to make for the door. The more time I wasted here with her, the less time I had to get rid of the evidence of my affair.

"Bella, I―"

"Please, Emily, please, if we are friends, if I mean anything to you at all, please just let me go inside," I begged. I knew I was taking a risk exposing so much desperation to her, but it must have shown through in some genuine way, because she nodded and let me go. I rushed up to my room, stripped and then washed to erase anything that might make a person think there was something going on. But I couldn't sleep.

Emily's face when I had rushed off, something curious but fearful, made me worry. Would she want to know where I had really been, what had made me so desperate? I was shaking as I lay in my bed thinking of it. What if she told someone? What if they knew? I could never go and see Edward again. I would have to find a way to tell him that I couldn't go and visit with him any more. It made me sickened with sadness just to think of it.

Eventually I got out of my bed, which was not slept in at all and made my way downstairs, clean and in fresh clothes. I did as I always had every morning after seeing Edward, acted completely normal and as though I had woken refreshed. Jacob and I ate breakfast together and I told him I was feeling better, though not completely on top of my game. He told me to take it easy and then said he was going to take a trip to town for a few hours. I told him to enjoy himself and then sat in the dining room alone for a short while.

I was staring at my hands and the rest of my uneaten food when someone slipped in the room without a word. I heard the noise and looked up, Emily's face meeting mine. I tried to smile but I couldn't manage it. I was tired and worried almost to the point of sickness. If she told a single soul about what had happened this morning, I would never be able to lie my way out of it. I would lose the one thing that kept me sane.

"Bella, I think perhaps we should talk," she said quietly. I looked at her and felt my stomach drop to my feet.

"What about?" I asked.

"Where you were this morning. Where you have been going at night. Why you weren't wearing your engagement ring when you came home," she said. I felt my face pale and my heart jump.

"Not in the house," I told her. She nodded and silently we walked together out of the house. I didn't want to take the garden path in case we managed to go by the meadow I spent my nights in, so we went and walked in the opposite direction, toward the woods on the other side of the house. When we were far enough from the house Emily sat on the grass, tucking her legs beneath her. I did the same and waited.

"Well?" she asked.

"I don't know what to tell you, where to start, how to explain this…" I mumbled. I didn't know where my voice had gone or the coherent thought I had before this moment, but they were lost on my tongue.

"Was it what it looked like?" she asked. I didn't have to wonder what it looked like, it was rather obvious. I came home at dawn, flowers and grass in my hair with no engagement ring. I had been with a lover, it looked that way and it was that way in truth. So I nodded, afraid to open my mouth again. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

"How could you? How could you hurt Jacob like this, Bella? All he ever did was―"

"Take me away from my life? Make me into someone I'm not? Force me into a life I don't want and never have? This isn't who I am, Emily. I never asked for this, but here I am. And…you have no idea what it feels like to living one way during the day, pretending to this bride to be, and at night finally getting to let go of the façade, the way I have to fake every word I _speak_ just to keep these lies going. I know, I _know_ it would kill him if he ever found out, but he wont. I've been careful, he doesn't know a thing, and unless you tell him, he still won't."

She looked at me for a moment. And then she asked the one question I had been praying she would not ask.

"Who is it?" she asked.

I began to shake as soon as the words left her lips.

"What does it matter, Emily? I've been with someone else every night when I leave the house. And I come back in the morning and cover it up to make sure no one knows. I don't know how you found out, but that's the truth."

"Then just tell me who it is."

"I can't."

"It cant be that bad, Bella."

"Edward Cullen," I murmured.

Her eyes widened considerably and she said nothing for a few minutes. But the way her eyes were trained on me, as though she had wished she didn't know who it was brought tears to my eyes.

"I know you don't understand why that makes such a difference, but you could not have done a worse thing unless you slept with Carlisle Cullen himself," she told me.

"I understand, Emily, more than you think. Edward has told me a lot about the things you were so vague about."

"And you're still seeing him! Bella, you _know_ who he is, _what_ his family is and you don't see anything wrong with it?"

"I don't see anything wrong with a group of people who work every single day not to be monsters, no. But that's not the point! Emily, you have to promise me you wont tell anyone. No Jacob, not Sam, no one. Please."

She said nothing for a moment, and I watched her mind work behind her eyes. I wiped at my eyes, desperate to rid them of tears before she spoke again.

"Bella, you're asking me to keep an affair from my family. I don't know if that's fair to any of us."

"Please, Emily. I swear I would go insane without him. I go everyday doing what I have to do. He's the only thing I have."

"You have Jacob."

"No. Jacob has me. It's different. I don't love him. I _cant_. Not when―"

"You already love another?" she asked.

I didn't want to think about what I had with Edward as love. It was scary to consider that the need I was feeling for him, the want and passion that he ignited could be love. But every moment I spent time with him it drove me further into the swell that was taking me.

"I wish every day things were different," I confessed. She nodded and looked at me for a long moment.

"I want to tell you a story, Bella. And maybe then you can understand why I will keep your secret. When I was younger, before I married Sam, I was engaged to be with another man. It was supposed to be my life, this man, and I was going to live a comfortable supposedly happy life just like the one you would have with Jacob.

"But I didn't love him. We both knew I didn't, and for a while it seemed like he understood. But when it got closer to the time we were supposed to be married, I began to realize that even if we both knew we didn't love the other, I would still be trapped.

"So I ran. I came to a place where no one knew who I was and I met Sam and I love him more every day. But you can't do what I've done. If you ever left here, Jacob would think you were taken. And if you left with Edward Cullen, if he thought you were taken or not, he would hunt for you. And he wouldn't stop until he found you both. And while he might forgive you, Edward would be dead."

"I know. I can't run, but I can't stay. I can't give Edward up, but I can't walk away from Jacob. No matter what I do, I'm hurting someone," I said. I couldn't believe that Emily knew what I was feeling and was familiar with the instinct to just flee and find a new life somewhere. That was the only reason she wasn't going to run to Jacob or Sam and tell them what I was doing.

"He is rather attractive," she said. I laughed and covered my face with my hands, rubbing my eyes and hiding my shame. But Emily reached for my hands and pulled them away from my face, holding them in hers.

"Do you love him?" she asked. I thought about it. And then I nodded.

"I wish I didn't sometimes," I confessed.

"It hurts so much more than you think," she agreed, looking past me at the house, as though she was looking at Sam through all the walls.

"Thank you, Emily. I now it isn't fair to ask you to keep this secret for me but―"

"Bella, I have known that you and Jacob were not suited for each other since the first day you entered the house. I love him as my brother, I truly do. And I wanted you to care for each other. But I knew the day you picked out a ring that you didn't. You looked surprised, but not in the happy way I woman getting married should. You were terrified by the idea of marriage and even more so by seeing those rings. I could see it in your eyes. So even though I wish you and Jake would end up as a happy couple, completely in love with each other, I know you aren't. And now I understand why you can't be. You only get one true love."

I sighed and nodded. Even though I knew she meant to comfort me, her words tore at me. I only got one true love, and if Edward were it, I would never really get it. I would have to watch as this affair ripped us both to pieces. We would be the only comfort we had as we slowly killed the other with the needs we could not every really fulfill.

"Do me one favor?" she asked. I nodded. I would do anything for her. She was holding my life in the palm of her hand at the moment, my biggest secret and the life of the man I loved.

"Don't tell him. If he asks, deny it until your last breath. He won't tell you yet because he's afraid you'll reject him, but he does care for you. Knowing you've been spending your time with another man would hurt him. I won't ask you to love him, I wont even ask you to stop seeing Edward, but please, for his sake, don't tell Jacob."

I nodded, not risking speech at that point. After a moment of silence Emily got up and went back inside the house, not saying a word. I sat out in the grass for a while, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my shoulders, just sitting.

I loved him. I loved Edward. I should have known it far before then. I should have realized that what he made me feel wasn't some immature infatuation. I wouldn't be risking everything for some crush and I surely wouldn't be so concerned with his emotional and physical well-being if I didn't care for him in a genuine way. I asked myself how it happened that I should fall in love with such a man, but I realized it should have been obvious. Of course he was handsome and charming, but he was also so _real_. His personality was so far above reproach. Everything he did was done with such fervor that even when I disagreed with him it was hard to argue when he believed in something so strongly. That he cared for me, made me feel loved and appreciated and perfect just the way I was, that he was risking his life to spend time with me, only made him more amazing in my eyes.

"Enjoying the sunshine?" Jacobs voice inquired from behind me. I turned and looked over my shoulder, where I found him walking toward me with a smile on his face. I nodded and waited until he had come all the way to me to turn back around. He plopped down beside me, the ground shaking a bit when he did with the sheer force of his landing. I laughed a little at this to myself but otherwise kept quiet.

"It's a lovely day," Jacob observed.

"Yes, it is. How was your visit into town?"

"Just fine. It was business rather than pleasure. I had to talk to Cr. Cullen."

"What about?"

"My father. He is in more pain every day and I think he needs more medication to make him feel better, or at least not in torturous agony. He agreed to come up with something to help him. But really, Bella, that isn't why I wanted to talk to you."

I looked at him inquisitively and stayed quiet for him to continue.

"I realized that it has been quite unfair of me to keep you in the dark for so long about things when you clearly recognized something was going on. And I told you I couldn't tell you the truth before, and that was true. But circumstances have changed. If you still want to know, I will tell you," he offered. I nodded and let him go on.

Tentatively he confessed what I already knew, he and the boys were all werewolves, their transformation brought on by the arrival of the Cullens. And they indeed had the abilities I had assumed. Their senses and strength and speed were all enhanced in human form, though they were multiplied ten fold in the form of a wolf. It had difficult to master his wolf form at first, during which time he had hurt his father. He seemed the most ashamed to admit this and I took it all with understanding.

I already knew most of the things he was telling me, so I had to feign my shock as he divulged his secrets. When he told me he could not tell me something, it wasn't because he didn't want to, it was because if he was given an order from the alpha, Sam in this case, he physically could not disobey. Sam had ordered them not to tell another person who was not already aware about what they were, and that meant that Jacob could not tell me even if he wanted to.

"What changed?" I asked.

"I spoke with Sam. He realized what I already had, that which you had so blatantly pointed out to me. I could not keep you in the dark about who I am, who we all are. You deserve to know whom you are living with. It would not be fair of me to pretend it did not matter or that you had no right to know. So Sam gave me permission to tell you our secret. But, Bella, I need to know what you think of all this."

"Well it's a lot to think about obviously. But as scary as you might think you are, Jacob, you don't frighten me," I told him. He grinned.

"That's only because you haven't seen me phase," he replied. I rolled my eyes at him but said nothing for a moment.

"Jacob, does this perhaps have anything to do with what you have against the Cullens?" I asked. As soon as I mentioned their name his face hardened. With less diffidence he spoke of the Cullens, the monsters they were, how their kind killed thousands and how it was in his blood to kill them.

"Do they murder people?" I asked, steering the discussion in the direction I needed to go in. I wanted to know why he hated them so much even if they weren't doing anything wrong.

"They claim they don't. But who is to know? I can't say for certain that they don't have human blood on their hands. And I don't trust them. Monsters don't fight their nature, Bella, they just don't. It's not ordinary. I don't believe a creature could ever truly resist that which calls to them the way blood does."

"But as far as you know, they haven't ever killed anyone?" I asked, still acting as though I didn't know a thing.

"No. But does it matter, really? They're monsters, Bella, evil to the core. It's in their nature to trick you into believing something else. I'm sure Edward has picked up a few of those tricks over the years," he added.

"He isn't a vampire though, what do you have against him?"

"He lives with a house full of beasts and he defends them like they were angels. He is their _food_, and he acts like they are just all a tight family. Well I don't believe it. He'll end up like them eventually, I'm sure of that. And then he'll just be another leech."

As soon as he said it my whole body tensed. I knew I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, but that didn't stop me.

"You shouldn't talk about things you don't understand," I responded.

"And what don't I understand?" he asked, sounding more confused than defensive.

"I've spoken to Edward about this, Jacob. I know about his family. And he isn't what you think, either."

"And what is he? Tell me I'm wrong, Bella, tell me he isn't a leech loving traitor to the human race. Its disgusting."

I stared at him for a long moment and said nothing before getting up and walking away from him. He didn't shout after me or try to follow. I could feel his eyes on my back as I stormed inside. He could have stopped me if he wanted to. We both knew that if he wanted to fight with me more, convince me he was right, he could have kept me from going.

But even then he knew it was useless.

* * *

I didn't speak to Jacob for the rest of the day. He maintained his distance from me and didn't try to say anything to me either. I was sure he didn't know why it had upset me so much to have him talk about Edward that way, but he sure knew better than to do it a second time. We both went to our rooms that night without speaking. I could tell he felt bad, but he wasn't going to risk my fighting with him. He was giving me space, which made it easier for me to sneak out that night.

I arrived first at the meadow that night. I found myself doing exactly as I saw Edward do so often, lying on my back and closing my eyes, waiting. I knew I wouldn't fall asleep waiting. I was too charged. My whole body felt like it was on the edge, waiting for something to happen—another fight or something else I wasn't sure. So I lay there staying still and trying not to think about anything but the sounds around me as I waited for Edward.

I didn't even realize he had arrived until I felt him slide his arms around me. He made me nearly jump out of my skin as he did and my eyes shot open, greeted with his glorious crooked grin.

"Good evening," he said quietly, kissing my forehead. I smiled and then leaned my face up, asking him silently for a real kiss, which he granted me. We talked about our days. I told him about the fight Jacob and I had earlier. I felt him stiffen when I relayed the things Jacob said about his family, but he said nothing. I saved telling him about Emily until that story was done.

"But there is something more important I should tell you," I said slowly, afraid how to broach the topic. He looked at me expectantly, his eyes level with mine. He was laying on his back at this point, his hands folded behind his head. I was lying on his chest, my breath matched with his. I propped my face up on my hands and took a deep breath.

"Emily knows."

Before a single second passed he had sat up, me in his lap and his eyes were wild with anticipation and fear.

"What do you mean, Emily knows?" he asked.

"She caught me coming home this morning. And then later we talked and she needed me to explain and…I had to tell her or else she would have mentioned it to Jacob or Sam and there were too many things I could not explain away. And she understands, surprisingly. She was in a situation similar to mine and she has promised not to tell anyone," I explained before he could get too worked up.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack," he confessed, putting a hand dramatically over his chest. I leaned in and kissed him once.

"Forgiven?"

"I think so, yes."

"I think she assumed this is more than it is," I told him, brushing my hand over his face. His face instantly hardened and he took my hand away from his cheek.

"And what is this?" he asked, his voice detached.

"No, no," I assured him, pressing his hand to my face before laying a kiss on his palm, "she assumes we are more…intimate physically than we have been," I explained. He nodded and his expression relaxed into a sly smile.

"What is that reaction for, Edward Cullen?"

"Alice. She told me some…interesting things she has seen," he said cryptically. I furrowed my brow at him, prompting an explanation. He only continued to look at me with a bigger smile. I finally realized what he meant. Alice had seen us…_together._

"She didn't!" I exclaimed. He laughed.

"You seem so sure," he whispered, leaning closer to me, his lips touching the hollow near my ear. I got a shiver.

"That's…not what I meant. I just mean that it's awfully embarrassing to have your sister seeing us in such a private way. Its almost as bad as her walking in on us," I explicated. I felt him smile as his lips continued to touch my neck. I tried to say something, but I was shaking so badly that I wasn't sure if I could be able to open my mouth and control what came out.

"Did…did she see…when?" I asked eventually, finally able to speak without a stutter. Edward didn't answer me. He drew back from my neck and looked in my eyes for a long moment before kissing me in earnest. During that kiss his hand slid to the small of my back and he pulled me close against him. I felt my whole body relax against his, begin to pull against him, getting him as close as was physically possible. And then a thought hit me.

"Tonight!" I interjected between kisses.

"Of course its completely up to you. You know I would never make you do something you didn't want to do, Bella."

Suddenly knowing that Alice had seen us together that way and so _soon_, within the next few hours soon, made it seem far more real. I couldn't help but smile at him. It was strange, I didn't even realize I begun unbuttoning his shirt until it was undone and off. I looked him over for a moment, admiring him with a grin.

"Bella?" he asked quietly, his voice tentative. I looked up at him and his face was so soft and gentle then I forgot everything but that expression.

"I am in love with you," he told me. I stared at him for a minute, unsure what to say. I had figured out that I loved him that very morning. It had occurred to me that perhaps he felt the same, but hearing him say it was something else completely.

"Bella, I know―"

"I love you too," I said before he could finish. He smiled at me.

"You don't know how wonderful it is to hear you say that," he told me.

"I think I can guess," I told him. He laughed and nodded before kissing me again.

* * *

I woke up that morning in my own bed once again. It was obvious Edward had carried me here. I got up and immediately washed up, thinking only of Edward. Emily's assumptions would have been more correct if she and I had had our conversation this morning instead of yesterday. Of course I probably would have been too embarrassed to admit it to her.

But even though every time I thought about it, or Edward going home and seeing Alice with a stupid grin on his face, I couldn't help but smile, there was one phrase that popped into my head from nowhere that made me stop in my tracks. I hadn't given much thought to it at the time because it hadn't been the case, but now…

_I don't know the details of your relationship, but I know that if I were to find out that my wife, the woman I love above all others was sleeping with another man I would be furious. Enough to kill him._

Carlisle's words stung. That was one thing, the only thing I was sure, that he and Jacob would ever agree on or have in common. I thought about the promise I made to Emily the day before, not to tell Jacob, even if he asked me about it. Now I had more of a reason to lie. Even if I wanted to be honest with Jacob I wouldn't be able to tell him that Edward and I made love. He wouldn't know, at least not from me.

I could only pray he never found out another way, or God help us, Edward would never stand a chance. He would be dead as soon as Jacob knew. No matter how Edward assured me he would be fine, I knew that if it ever came to the point where Jacob was somehow informed, he would have to run and I would have to try and convince him not to go after Edward. I hoped it would not come to that, obviously.

I hoped that I would never have to reveal to Jacob that I was choosing someone instead of him, that I was betraying him every single night with a man he hated. I daydreamed about something happening wherever Jacob would no longer want to be with me and I could go free. Edward and I, and his whole family if they wished, could leave with us and we could go wherever we wanted and not have to hide anymore.

When it occurred to me that it was only a dream I felt a pain rip through me. It was another moment during my day when I just wanted to be with Edward; I just wanted him to be here and hold me. But he wasn't, neither could he ever be. It just went to show how deep I was before I even knew it. I hadn't come to terms with how deeply I needed him before now, and now that I did, every time I felt like I needed him, wanted him in any way it made me think again of how little time we ever got to spend together. It wasn't enough. But to risk seeing each other any other time would be tempting fate. I wasn't going to do something even more dangerous than what we already were.

But I had a feeling that soon enough the hours we spent together at night would fail to satisfy us with the need we had to see each other. I already wanted to be near him again, even if it was just to feel his presence in the same room as me. He comforted me with his mere existence.

Seeing him for our few night hours _already_ wasn't enough.

I didn't know what we were going to do.


	9. Dreams

Edward and I continued to see each other. We knew that the more time we spent together, the less those few hours would begin to satisfy the need we had for the other. But we had talked about it—talked about it endlessly until the subject was driven into the ground—and come to the conclusion that no matter what we wanted or how much we cared for the other, unless I could find a way to safely get away from Jacob without any risk to Edward, we could not risk seeing each other any other time than the nights we spent together. And we spent almost every one side by side. We would lay in that meadow and talk, or hold each other, or make love, or just look into the sky and be silent, wondering what force had thrown us together this way.

Every so often there were nights when I knew I would not be able to get away—Jacob's birthday and Emily and Sam's anniversary were such nights. Sometimes I knew about them in advance, but other times I simply could not risk leaving the house, and so I could not go to him. The next night I always found him pacing about the meadow waiting for me. He would gather me desperately into his arms, kissing me all over and just thanking God I was all right. He always assumed something terrible had happened to me. And of course I knew if he ever just missed one night and didn't show up I would think the same think. I gave him credit for not coming to the house and demanding to see that I was okay.

Some nights he would bring some of his family. Alice and Emmett were the most frequent to visit, however Jasper and even his parents came to see us every once in a while. I could not blame them. They wanted to see whom their son was spending so much time with. I would too. His parents, though I could tell they were always worried about how this would end for the two of us, seemed to like me well enough, his mother especially. And I grew to love his family also. They were kind and loving, each of them, and seemed to want only the best for the human in their family.

And yet while my nights were filled with love and my ever-growing need for Edward, my days were full of Jacob's 'family'. There were wedding plans of course, a never-ending stream of ideas and decisions to be made regarding a ceremony I did want to be a part of. Emily was there with me all along the way, helping me even though she knew that I wanted no part in it. In truth, she did much of the planning herself, taking the responsibilities off my shoulders so I would not have to be burdened with details I had no preference about.

Jacob continued to spend time with me, and each day I was more and more sure that he cared for me as Emily assured me he did. I had begun speaking to him again the day after we had our small fight. He told me of course he didn't understand my opinions, but he would respect them at the very least. We didn't fight about Edward or the Cullens again. He shared his life with me as a werewolf, his past, how he came to change.

He became part of the pack almost eight months before. He had known Sam was acting so strangely. And then Emily had gotten hurt. Of course no one understood what was going on except Billy. And by then Jacob was already going through his own change. The day after Emily had gotten hurt he became violently ill, sickened and weak for hours. And then something set him off and he changed without even knowing it was happening. Weeks had gone by, and in each week he had struggled to get a hold of this new form. He had both Sam and his father to talk to. Sam helped talk him through getting control of himself. But even though he was trying, in that first week he had hurt his father, phasing in the garden outside without meaning to. And of course he felt terrible, but he hadn't done it on purpose. After that he fought harder to control himself and mastered the form so much faster than Sam and his father thought he could.

Embry had been the next to join the group. Then Jared and Paul, and lastly Quil became one of the pack. They were not sure if they were all that would be in the pack, but it was possible that for as long as the Cullens remained there they would continue to grow. Of course no one knew how long the Cullens intended to stay, not even the Cullens themselves. It wouldn't be more than a year or two more because of their lack of aging, but who knew how much more the pack could expand in that time?

I continued to learn about their culture and lifestyle as wolves and people as the months passed. I became friends with all of them. Jacob and Emily were the people I was closest to in the house, for different reasons obviously. Jacob because I spent the most time with him, and Emily because she knew my secret.

I was surprised that she wanted to know a single thing about our affair. But after that first week of not talking about it, if we ever got time alone, she would ask about him. What he was like, was he funny or smart, what was his family like, and all other sorts of things. She would ask what we talked about, how we were getting along, if we were going to see each other with any more frequency. She seemed pulled in two different directions—the obligation and loyalty she had for her family, but the connection she had with me. She would not betray me, I was sure of that.

She seemed to become aware of how in love I was with him about a month before the wedding. I was able to count the number of days before I would be wed and it was beginning to drive me insane. My time with Edward became more precious than my life itself. I was able to sustain myself easily on only three hours of sleep; my body stopped complaining when I realized that I needed him to keep me rational. If I displayed any nerves it was assumed that I was trying to finish preparing for the wedding. And of course that was the icing on the cake when it came to my stress.

Truly, however, the details of the wedding were already thought out. The ceremony was going to be held in the courtyard behind the house if it was good weather, in the church in town if it was not. There were only thirty or so people coming—my father and a few friends from town along with a few other friends and distant family of Jacob's. I already had my dress and it had been fitted to me weeks before. Emily was my maid of honor and so she had her dress ready and picked out. Sam was the best man, and he didn't need anything special. We were not going for anything extravagant. In fact, the less garish the event, the better.

And so when someone asked me if I looked tired because I was planning my wedding, I nodded with a tired smile and said, 'of course'. I wasn't lying completely. It as indeed my wedding that was making me appear frazzled and haggard. But it wasn't for the reasons most people thought.

And I had to give credit where it was due, Edward was more than happy to stay my nerves and woes for every hour we were together. I was only Bella to him, as he reminded me almost every night, only Bella, the woman he loved. I didn't need to be anything else if I didn't want to. I was grateful that at least there, in that meadow, in his arms I could forget about what I had come to call my 'real life'. Edward was too good to be true, a fantasy surely. In my real life I went through each day, dreading my own wedding, trying to cover the fact that I did not love my fiancé. At night, however, I escaped into what seemed like another world. It reminded me so much of a dream. Nothing in this life could be so perfect as Edward was, or the time I spent with him.

So when the wedding was a month away and I was sincerely having moments where I just wanted to run off, damn the consequences, Emily was my voice of reason.

"I could go tonight," I told her as we sat together in the sitting room. The boys had gone out for a run together, to help them keep in practice with being in touch with the other's minds. She sat across from me in the midday summer light and shook her head.

"We have been over this, Bella. If you leave, Jake will follow you. He'll find you and we both know what would happen when he found you," she reminded me.

"What if we went somewhere he couldn't find us?" I asked.

"And where is that? Tell me a place on earth he could not find you. And even if you could find such a place, which I still maintain does not actually exist outside your mind, you could never get there before morning. And when he figured out you were gone he could follow your scent until he found you. And he would find Edward's as well, and then find Edward himself with you.

"Please, be reasonable. You can see him tonight in your meadow, like you do every other night. And you can do whatever you two young lovers do when you meet up, but please, _please_ if not for yourself, for Edward, don't just run off. Jacob would kill him if he knew for months now you've been together."

"I know," I sighed. It was true and I knew it. I had argued that very same point to Edward time and again. But that didn't make me _want_ to go away with him any less.

"What will you do when you're married?" she asked. She had never questioned me about my plans after the wedding and whether or not I intended to keep seeing Edward. But I didn't think I would be able to stop. He was part of me now, as real as my heart or lungs or anything else. He had become the voice in my head without my noticing. If I tried to leave him I knew he would fight me, but even if he didn't, I knew I would never try. It would kill me to be without him, even if when I was with him it was only for a short amount of time. And of course we had their problems to sort out, such as what the winter would bring for our nightly visits and where we could go when it got too cold to be in the meadow.

But of course winter was not coming in a month. My wedding was.

"Oh Emily, I just don't know. I never wanted to be the type f woman to violate her marriage vows, sacred as they are. But I don't think I can leave him. I don't think I could ever be away from him for a long period of time. I'm in too deep now to turn back because it's going to be harder," I told her. She looked at me skeptically.

"I don't know how wise that is," she responded. I nodded but sighed.

"Could you leave Sam, Emily? If it were a choice between what was easy and him, would you pick the easy path? We both know you wouldn't. You have already chosen the hard path just by remaining by his side. He told you what he was, a monster of myth, and you remained with him because you loved him that deeply. He hurt you, scarred your face for the rest of your life, but you still didn't leave him.

"Your life might be easier if you up and ran like you did to get away from your old life, but can you say you would be _happier_ if that had been your decision?"

She stared at me for a long moment and then shook her head.

"I wouldn't be happy," she whispered to me.

"And neither will I," I told her, begging her silently to understand. After that moment we had an unspoken understanding that we were done talking about it for the day. We talked of other, more trivial things and about ten minutes after we had changed topics Jacob and Sam came into the sitting room. Sam went over to Emily and kissed her as he always did, his eyes lingering upon hers for a long moment, too intimate for me to watch. I glanced over at Jacob, who was staring blankly off out the window.

"How was your run?" I asked. He turned to me and then straightened; suddenly remembering I had asked him a question.

"It went well. We weren't as out of practice as Sam thought we were, but it was nice to get to let loose for a little while with the pack. I think I am going to go wash up and then eat something," he said. I nodded and he left with a small smile. He disappeared for a while and during that time I sat and talked to Sam and Emily. Sam was being more affectionate than I had ever remembered him being with her, although it didn't bother me of course. I liked watching a couple be happy with each other without having to hide it. Of course I was jealous of them, but it didn't stop me from being happy for them.

The day passed as most days usually did. We ate and talked together, stayed up for apart of the night and all retired eventually to our rooms. An hour after everyone had gone to bed I snuck out of the house to meet Edward in our meadow.

When I arrived we sat and talked for a while. I told him about the things Emily and I had discussed that day and even though I knew he was thinking the same things as she was—not that the thoughts had ever escaped my own mind either—he told me we would worry about it tomorrow. We spent almost an hour in complete silence, just looking at the sky and each other. Eventually Edward leaned down and kissed me gently on the mouth, which of course prompted a sly smile from me as I kissed him more forcefully.

My fingers tangled in his hair, his in mine and he pulled me very close, almost dangerously so. For a long while we remained that way. And then I heard something that made me draw away. It was a guttural sound, low and menacing. The only thing I could compare it to was the sound one of his siblings—Jasper as it turned out—had made the night I was injured at his house. But there was also something distinctly different about it.

I pulled away from Edward and looked around us, looking for whatever made the sound. Edward looked at me strangely, obviously disappointed I had stopped kissing him.

"What is it my love?" he asked softly, moving his lips to my neck, kissing me gently there before I responded.

"I heard something," I said, still looking about.

"Look where we are, Bella, we have heard animals before. It was probably some little creature stomping around the woods," he assured me. It might have seemed insensitive to my worries, but I knew it was his way of assuaging my fear. I sighed and assumed he was right. But as I leaned back to kiss him again I heard the same sound, only louder.

This time Edward looked up with me, sitting straight up. We stood simultaneously, his hand entwined with mine.

"Still think its some little creature?" I asked, clasping his hand tightly.

"Perhaps not," he replied quietly.

From the shadows I saw something move and my heart started in my chest. I was terrified at that moment, unsure of what was about to happen. And then my absolute worst fear came to life.

My dream world was shattered when Jacob stepped out of the woods, his body shaking uncontrollably. His eyes were fixed on Edward, his lips curled back into a snarl. He was trying so hard not to phase then. But I knew no matter how still and silent we were, this shaking would not stop. I could only hope to get Edward away before Jacob phased.

"I _swore_ Sam was wrong when he told me what he had heard you and Emily talking about today. We came back earlier than you thought, and there you were, talking about your affair right in the middle of my fucking _house_. He came and told me what you had said, what Emily had said, and I told myself he must have been wrong. Because you would never do something like that, especially not with some leech lover. I knew you were friends and I thought maybe you had developed a soft spot for him, but that you loved him? Never.

"And that you had been with him for _months_, that you had been having an affair behind my back for all that time, sneaking out of the house at night to go see him, to go _sleep_ with him," he paused here, closing his eyes, shaking harder, trying to keep in control. He kept getting closer, and Edward and I kept stepping back. "I swore you couldn't be capable of something like that.

"When he relayed the whole thing to me the things you had both said I simply had to prove him wrong. So I went to try and find the place Emily had mentioned, some meadow. And I couldn't think of a single one. And then I remembered that along the garden path, the one you loved to walk so often for such a long time and then seemed to lose interest in, there was a small opening that could be considered a meadow. So I ran there when I told you I was washing up and eating. And I told myself as I walked here that I wouldn't find a thing. But when I got here…your scent was all over it. His too. You had been here with him enough that your scent lingered here for _hours_ after you had gone.

"But still I wouldn't believe it. 'Not my Bella', I kept telling myself. So tonight, when I went to bed, I didn't fall asleep. I waited and listened. And sure enough I heard you sneaking away. So I followed you at a safe enough distance. And I saw you come here. And to be honest I had to leave as soon as I saw you two together because it made me so physically _sick_ knowing you came here for _him_. But I came back and you were…"

He didn't finish his sentence and I didn't need him to. I could not lie to him about what he had seen, neither could I refute it in any way that would matter. He had seen Edward and I together.

"Jacob―" I began. But he growled angrily.

"_How_? How could you, Bella? Did I not care for you enough? Were you unhappy in my house, not comfortable in some way? Or am I just not the right kind of monster for you? Do you need the bloodthirsty type to satisfy you? He's well on his way, I'm sure. His father is probably planning to changing him any day now, am I right?"

"Actually, my father doesn't want to change me," Edward asserted. His mouth was a hard line and his voice was just as even and cold. But Jacob turned and looked at him and my blood ran cold. The look he gave him was meant to frighten him, but stubborn and proud as Edward was, he would never show if it did.

"Speak again, you dirty leech lover, and I swear to God I will end your life in the most painful way I can think of," he said. He wasn't kidding. That promise was not one he would go back on.

"Jacob, please, listen to me," I said slowly.

"Why? So you can lie to me some more? How many times did you tell me you didn't feel well when in truth you were tired because you spent the whole night out with him? How often did you tell me you were thinking about wedding plans when really you were thinking about him? You should have just run away, Bella. You should have just gone."

"Would you have let me go? Would you have _ever_ stopped looking for me if I ran away?" I asked. He was still shaking, but he said nothing.

"Perhaps," he replied eventually, "if I had known what a whore you are, I would not have bothered with you at all."

His words stung, but I knew I deserved no less. I had betrayed him. There was no denying that. But even though I was willing to bear such insults, I felt Edward stiffen beside me. I looked to him to calm him but Jacob's voice caught me again.

"No! Don't even look at him, Bella. This isn't about him as much as it's about you. Because you are the one who simply couldn't be satisfied with everything I was giving you, with the sacrifices I was making for you. Why wasn't it enough? Why wasn't my willingness to do _anything_ you asked of me ever enough for you to―"

"Because she doesn't love you!" Edward shouted. I looked at him again, risking a quick glance. But it wasn't long before my attention was turned back to Jacob. He was shaking furiously now, and then I realized.

He wasn't going to be able to control himself.

I could only watch in horror as thing unfolded before me, taking no more than ten seconds to come to completion.

Jacobs body erupted into his wolf form, massive and powerful looking, even in the dim light we were currently provided. The black blur of his body launched through the air, and suddenly where Edward had been, he was no more. He was taken from my side, his hand pulled out of mine with such force I almost dislocated my shoulder. But it was not the pain in my shoulder I was concerned about. Jacob rolled off of Edward a moment after they landed on the ground and circled him angrily. The sound they had made when they hit the ground has been echoed with the shaking of the ground. But it was the sickening crack, so like breaking bone, that worried me most.

And when I saw Edward, something inside me absolutely snapped. He was lying on the round, gasping for air, a laceration on his cheek, dark blood staining his shirt. I dove for him, not sure how badly he was hurt. Jacob growled at me but I only stared back at him, hot angry, fearful tears burning in my eyes. He had told me once that even in wolf form they could understand English.

"Go home, Jacob!" I commanded him. He growled at me again. I didn't care. I felt Edward shake beside me as he tried to breathe.

"_I said go home_," I told him again. Still he made no move to leave until I heard a sound behind me. I heard Jacob scramble away before the two figures—Alice and Carlisle—came into the meadow, both terrified.

Carlisle was by my side before I even saw him move, speaking to Alice so rapidly I could to understand a thing he was saying. Before I knew it, Alice was gone as well.

I turned all my attention back on Edward, whose body was convulsing so similarly to how Jacob's had been. He was shaking, struggling even to get a single, wet sounding breath in and out of his lungs. I took his hand in mine and held it tight as Carlisle looked him over faster than I could watch. The sight and smell of Edward's blood was already making me feel queasy, I could not risk being made ill by something my eyes could not follow.

"Help him, Carlisle," I pled, managing to somehow hold back my tears. Carlisle looked at me blankly, as though he had forgotten speech.

"His lung was punctured. It is deflated. He can't breathe. He's losing a lot of blood. He's broken, Bella," he told me, as though Edward was a toy that had been dropped.

"Then _help_ him, Carlisle! You're a doctor its what you do! _PLEASE_," I begged. But he only looked back at his son, his trembling son, on the ground in a meadow.

"I can't do anything for him as a doctor," he told me.

"NO!" I shouted. That couldn't be right. He couldn't be dying. I _needed_ him. I couldn't survive without Edward, and I certainly couldn't live knowing I had watched as he slowly died beside me, all because I was selfish. My tears ran down my cheeks in angry rivulets, my breaths gasped, so like Edward's.

"You h-have to help him," I begged, knowing how petulant I must have sounded and not caring. "You can't just let him _die_. I love him! He's the only thing that matters to me anymore please you have―"

"Do you think I want to sit here and watch my son die, Bella? Do you think that my heart doesn't feel like it is being torn into pieces just watching him, lying here broken on the ground? That I'm not dying too, looking at him here? He's my son. I understand that you love him, that you feel like your whole world is falling apart. But he's my _child_, Bella. I am watching my _son_ die. So please, don't tell me I have to help him. If there was a way, I would have tried it already," he told me.

I began crying harder, sobbing violently. I felt so ill. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't leave him. His eyes were still open, looking almost panicked as they flicked between his father and I.

"I'm so sorry, my love," I whispered. I knelt down and told him I loved him. I told him over and over that he would be the only one I ever loved, that he mattered more to me than life itself, that I was sorry that he was hurt because of me.

Minutes passed.

"Please move, Bella," Carlisle said cautiously. I turned and looked at him. He sighed but looked serious. I could hear Edward's breathing becoming shallower as the seconds ticked by.

"Why?" I asked.

"I am going to save my son," he told me. I didn't understand what he meant for a moment. And then I realized he meant to make Edward like him, a vampire. I immediately moved so he could do whatever was necessary to make sure Edward came back to me.

I watched as he knelt next to his son, dropping his mouth near his ear, speaking something to him softly. And then he kissed his son's forehead with love and respect.

And then he bit him.

It scared me, watching this happen, knowing my Edward was going to be a vampire when all this was through. He had explained to me the process, the days of agony, followed by the thirst. But watching as it was to begin almost made me sick.

Carlisle pulled away from him a moment later and wiped at his mouth, ridding it of Edward's blood. I fought as my stomach turned.

"When can I see him?" I asked. Carlisle looked at me.

"You can't."

"What?" I asked. I must have heard him incorrectly. I _must_ have.

"Assuming he survives the transformation, that his body had enough blood in it to sustain him, we still have to leave now. He will be in days of hellish agony, during which he will be screaming out his pain. It would be too dangerous to attract attention to ourselves this way. As soon as I get him home we will pack our things and go to a home we have that is far away from everything."

"But what about after?" I asked hopefully.

"He wouldn't know you except to kill you. We can't stay in an area with people in it, he would massacre them. As a newborn he will have absolutely no control over his impulses. I cannot even say for sure that he will decide to live our lifestyle, although I do not expect anything less from my son.

"If he does choose to live like we do, it will be at least two years, if not more, before he is fully prepared to be around human beings and not kill them instantly. So maybe, in two years, if you are still here he could come back to see you. But, truthfully, Bella, he might not even remember who you are. Memories of our human lives are hazy at best. There is a chance that even seeing you, hearing your voice, will not mean a thing to him after he is changed."

I had never felt such pain in all my life. It was worse than if he had died. I would have to know that he was alive somewhere, walking about, talking, laughing with his family and that I could not be with him. And what was more, even if a time came when it was safe enough to see him, there was a chance he would not remember me. I doubled over suddenly, my knees giving out beneath me, hitting the ground with a dull thud that I barely heard.

But before I could speak a single word to Carlisle I was interrupted with the most heartbreaking sound on earth.

Edward screamed. His voice was full of pain. He was dying, his body was forfeiting being human and getting ready to be a vampire. Edward had told me that his family had related the pain to the fires of Hell. To think that he was feeling that now, the mind consuming anguish of torture, made me want to die.

He moaned in agony as Carlisle bent and picked him up. His body was limp in Carlisle's arms, hanging lifeless as his voice continued to fill the night with his pain. His father said nothing as he stared at me for a long moment, and then turned and walked away, disappearing into the night. His cries were only audible for a moment before they faded away. Carlisle must have been running him home.

It didn't hit me until I could no longer hear him that those last few seconds might have been the last time I saw Edward. I bent forward, my hands bracing me on the ground as I become violently ill. I was so sick at the thought of living my life without him. I was sick at the thought of him living in agony for three whole days, and I was dying inside thinking that there might be a day where we pass each other and he would not know me from any other stranger. He would not remember my face, my voice, the countless nights we spent together, talking, making love, being as one. If he had died I could have followed him, ended my life and found him wherever he was only to never be without him.

But now, there was nothing I could do.

I lay there in the meadow for a long time, trying to find some remnant of the scent and presence Jacob claimed was so strong of us there. I could find nothing, other than the pool of Edward's blood. I couldn't look at it long either, it made me sick knowing whose blood it was.

At dawn I got to my feet, falling twice before I could mange a step with any semblance of balance. I felt hollowed out. I hadn't stopped crying since I realized he was not going to be okay. I had vomited more than once, emptying my stomach. And I had screamed. I had moaned and wailed and cried out not the night, cursing whatever fate it was that would bring me such happiness and yank it out from under my feet.

I walked slowly back to the house, ignoring every memory of Edward's face and voice as I did. I was stumbling about, falling and scraping my skin, wiping the dirt and blood from my scratches on my face as I tried to rid it of tears. It was a fruitless effort and I should have known better than to try.

When I finally came back to the house Emily was waiting outside for me. She took one look at me and blanched, losing all the color in her face. As I neared her I fell to my knees again, this time not able to stand again.

"Bella?" she asked. I swallowed hard twice, trying to get some words out. I decided this would be the last lie I would ever tell about Edward. After this I would not speak of him at all.

"Edward?" Emily asked more quietly.

"He's dead."


	10. Three

Hi again guys! Glad you like the story so far! dont you worry about things either, because I am totally going to fix EVERYTHING. I have everything figured out. :)

Enjoy...

* * *

Emily took care of me for the first few months. She stayed with me almost all day to make sure I ate and didn't try to kill myself. For a while I didn't do anything but lie in my bed and cry, and then I didn't do anything. I hardly spoke unless it was absolutely necessary, and the times that I deemed to be necessary figured to be once every two or three weeks. I didn't sleep either. My body wasn't used to more than three or four hours at sleep at most and so even when all I wanted was to sleep and forget about everything, I just couldn't.

After the first three months Emily didn't need to take care of me all time. I would go and eat if I was hungry, take walks around the house and outside sometimes. I avoided the garden path at all costs and if someone even mentioned it to me it would send me into a nervous fit. Of course everyone in the house learned about what happened. Even if Jacob had wanted to keep it quiet he would not have been able to. It wasn't as if the rest of the house would not have noticed that I wouldn't stop crying or that I avoided other people at all costs or that sometimes I woke up screaming for no reason.

Jacob had left me alone for a few days. A little over a week after it happened he came to my room and made Emily leave so we could speak privately. I stared past him and let my eyes run dry as he apologized for doing something to hurt me and said he still thought we could make it work if I wanted to. I didn't know if he was expecting me to answer him then but I could hardly speak at that point. So he finally just got up and left.

As the months passed it got easier and easier not to think about Edward during the day. I could fill my time with reading and I even took up painting. It wasn't that I was any good at it only that I needed something to do with my mind for a while. The days were gradually getting easier as I was able to distract myself with more simplicity.

But as my days got easier, my nights became infinitely more difficult. They had always been harder than the daylight hours because I was always with Edward at night and so being without him at first was like going through withdrawal. But the better I got at not thinking about him during the day, the _more_ I thought about him at night. I could go a whole day without feeling the ache in me but as soon as night fell and I was in my room alone it was back again, reminding me how alone I was with each aching beat my heart had.

Things didn't change for the half a year. Jacob called off the wedding, sighting some tragedy within the family for the cancellation at such late notice but refused to elaborate when anyone asked. We lived in a sense of oddity, Jacob and I avoiding each other as we learned to live with what had happened. Jacob had killed someone. He had taken the life of a human. But to me it wasn't just the life of that human that mattered—it was who that human was.

After the first six months it got marginally easier. I could eat more than once a day without feeling sick. I slept for more than five hours without screaming myself awake. I was able to speak to other people and talk with them without slipping into the safe place in my mind where I could stop thinking and stop hurting. It was easier to just go through every day.

At the end of those six months, Jacob's father died, finally succumbing to the infection he had sustained over a year before. He might have lived longer if Dr. Cullen had stayed, but he couldn't, and so even with the treatment of another doctor he could not last much longer. Jacob mourned for him, and truly so did I. It was a loss I hadn't been ready for and on top of the one I had not stopped grieving, I relapsed for a few weeks. Only at that time I let Emily focus on helping Jacob. I wasn't so needy a to require her constant attention at that point.

A year came and went faster than I ever thought it could. I didn't even realize it was a year to the day Edward had gone until Emily reminded me. It was just a small little remark about how far I had come since a year ago, but as soon as I realized a year had gone by, I felt the air leave my lungs. It had been a whole year since I had seen his face. It had been a whole year since I had heard his voice, watched him laugh, kissed him, held him. It had been a whole year since I had felt whole.

I spent that whole day in the sitting room, holding a book but not reading it. It had already been a year. At the soonest, Edward could be back here in a year. At the soonest, I could see his beautiful face in a year. I could kiss him again, hold him, tell him never to leave me ever again. In a year if he remembered me, which I prayed each and every night that he did, I could find my love again.

I didn't.

That second year was easier than the first. Maybe it was because that saying that time heals all wounds was true, but I had a feeling it was more because every day I got up I could almost count it down to the next year. I practically counted down the days. If two years came and went I was sure I would see Edward. I was positive that if he remembered me, if he still remembered that he loved me, he would come back for me.

But when that second year came—this time I didn't forget it for a single second—it went so much faster than I thought. And every day after that I lost a little faith. Days went by and then weeks. Those weeks turned into months. I didn't think I was ever going to see him again.

Jacob and I were speaking again regularly. We talked every day for hours usually. We never spoke of what happened those years ago. He never brought up Edward and I had held to the promise I made to myself. I didn't ever speak about him. Even if someone asked a point blank question about him I refused to answer. Jacob and I had a mutual agreement not to ever speak about it, even though I knew he had all the information about Edward's and my affair as he could want.

He had wanted to know about it—how long it had been going on and how involved we were—almost a year after it happened. But I wouldn't talk about it. So Emily informed him. I had told her the whole story over a period of time. She knew enough about it to give him an accurate depiction of what our circumstances had been. After that he never asked for my side of the story or any questions he might have had. I didn't know if that was out of courtesy for me, or if he knew I wouldn't answer. Either way, he never asked and I certainly never offered any information.

I wasn't completely sure why I continued to live there. Sometimes the familiarity of the place and the feeling of kinship between everyone there was a comfort. Other times the overwhelming memories and the things I felt for some of the people there made me want to scream and run away. But I never did. I was waiting. I knew it, but no one else did. I never gave Jacob any sort of answer about the wedding because he wouldn't ask for one and I surely was not going to bring it up. I was waiting for Edward.

_So maybe, in two years, if you are still here he could come back to see you._

I clung to Carlisle's words, as inaccurate as they already were, like my life depended on them.

It wasn't until my birthday of the third year anything changed. September 13th came and went like it did every year, a small party with everyone in the house, my father coming to visit and my favorite meal served for dinner. It was small but it was enough.

Jacob gave me a small gift. He and my father were the only people I would actually accept gifts from. My father bought me new watercolor paints for my most recent dabbles in the artistic world, and Jacob got me some new books he had gotten from town. I accepted both gifts a bit begrudgingly, but understanding it would have been those things or something else. At least I knew I would use them.

I spent the next few days reading my new books and using my new art supplies. But somehow, as the third year approached me, I felt strangely liberated. I had just reached my twenty-first birthday, and I was trying my hardest to just live again instead of lamenting each and every day I wasn't with _him_. Of course I still thought about him, but it was easier not to fall apart when I did.

So when I found the rose on my bed a week after my birthday, it was a shock.

At first I felt strangely sad, a reminder of something so sweet made me feel a pang of remorse again. I hadn't forgotten about the sweet gestures he was so able to give me, but it was painful to be reminded of them again when I was doing so well not thinking about them all day.

But then I got angry. Why would someone leave me roses on my bed _now_? If I didn't even like talking about Edward, who in their right mind would think to do something he had done for me? Why would they want to stir up more feelings after all this time?

Emily certainly wouldn't be insensitive enough to do something so obviously hurtful. No one else would have known about it but Jacob. So I took the rose in my hand and went to find him. He was in the sitting room alone, staring out the window, a book in his lap. I could tell he was deep in thought about something. He had the same look on his face as though he wouldn't know it if you hit him over the head with something as he always got.

"Do you think this is funny?" I asked, my voice hard. Jacob looked up at me, completely confused.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. I waved the rose at him.

"Why would you do this?" I asked. He looked further perplexed.

"I didn't leave that for you," he replied.

"Like hell you…"

But in the middle of my accusation it occurred to me that I did not think I had ever told Emily about the roses. It had been one thing that I wanted to keep to myself, one thing to have just for me, even if it was small and seemingly insignificant. If she didn't know about it, then she could not have told Jacob about them.

"Bella, what's―"

"It must have been Emily, just being nice. She does things like this all the time for me. I'm sorry I got angry. I just…I'm not having a good day," I told him. I needed to get out of there as fast as possible. I had to make sure I didn't look insane so Jacob wouldn't insist I stay and talk with him.

"Well if you want to talk, I'm here," he assured me. But I shook my head.

"I think I just need to take a walk for a while. Clear my head," I told him. He nodded and then went back to looking at his book and not reading.

As soon as I could I clamored outside and began running.

I hadn't been to the meadow in three years. I hadn't even walked on the garden path for fear of being reminded. The only things for me there were bad memories so I avoided it at all costs. But today I was sure that if I couldn't get there I would just fall apart.

I stopped in my tracks on the garden path when I saw the bronze hair shifting in the breeze. But other than that, everything was different.

His features were the same in general structure, but everything seemed more refined, perfected, _beautiful_. I thought he was beautiful before, but this was just unfair. The crooked smile that played on his perfect lips when I saw him literally kicked my heart into the next gear. I couldn't breathe. But what surprised me the most were his eyes. I was used to the startling green that had looked back at me on so many occasions. Now I was confronted with a warm butterscotch staring at me from across the small opening.

"Breathe," he said slowly. His voice was angelic, like a choir all melded into a single voice. I could hear it echo again and again as I followed his instructions, gasping air into my lungs.

"You're here," I whispered. He smiled again, and I felt myself melting. He nodded but did not reply.

"You left me a rose," I mumbled again. I was stating the obvious but my mind was not working correctly to do much else. Again my words were met with a stoic nod. I hadn't even noticed that I was walking toward him. My body was working without my knowledge. But I couldn't get too close to him. I was too afraid he wasn't real, just a figment of my imagination here to haunt me.

"Carlisle said two years, and it's been three and I didn't ever think I would see you again," I said, still reeling from the fact that he was _here_. Edward was here. He looked like an angel, like something someone would paint, but he was here.

"You always were impatient," he reminded me with something like an affectionate smile. I laughed, too loud for this place or this moment but my body was getting hysterical.

"Why are you crying?" he asked me. I was so focused on his voice that it took a moment to realize what he had asked me. I didn't even know I had been crying, but when I reached my hand up to my face I found there were warm tears on my cheeks. I wiped them away hastily without ever taking my eyes off the god in front of me. He was too real, too magnificent to be anything less.

"I've missed you so much," I managed to choke out. His face went instantly blank as though he was trying to forget something. I didn't know why but I didn't ask. It didn't matter.

"I know," he told me. He didn't say anything else for the moment and so I remained as silent as he was. But somehow my silence and his seemed so very different. Even while silent I seemed to make more noise than he did. He simply stood there, not moving, not breathing or anything else.

He wasn't breathing.

"Why aren't you breathing?" I asked. He smiled again, this one small and knowing, as though it was an inside joke I was not privy to.

"I don't need to. And you smell so…potent. Its hard to concentrate with your scent in the air," he said. I nodded, remembering for the first time why he looked so different and was behaving the way he was. He was a vampire now. I remembered Carlisle's features and their perfection the first time I saw him. I could understand why Edward's would look so godlike now.

"Carlisle said you might not remember me," I whispered, voicing a fear I had held for three years now. It was that fear that kept my heart on the constant edge of breaking. If you loved someone so fiercely as we did, it didn't make sense that you would ever forget them.

"Carlisle was preparing you for the worst. It's true, there are a lot of thing I don't remember about my human life. And even the thing I do remember are hazy. But Bella," he said, using my name for the first time. It sounded like some sacred thing the way he pronounced it. "How could I ever forget you?"

I shook my head. I didn't have words to explain how that idea, that he might not remember me at all, had haunted me. He smiled, and for the first time took a step in my direction. My heart was so startled by this sudden movement of an angel in my direction that it skipped a beat. I saw Edward smile when this happened, and I figured that meant he had heard it.

"My human memories consist solely of my family and of you. They are hardly more than flashes of things, but those are so much more than enough. Little moments between the two of us that build a feeling. Every single moment I could remember I have played over and over in my mind. And there you were, in so many of those moments. You were always smiling, Bella. In every memory I have of you, you were so happy. And for such a long time, I could not understand why. And then I thought, 'perhaps she and I were in love. It would make sense'.

"So finally I asked my father about you, the beautiful human girl I had in my memories. He told me the whole story. From the very first time we met to the last moment we saw each other. Some of those moments I remembered, some of them I didn't. But when I realized how they all fit together I understood who you were to me."

"And who was I?" I asked slowly. Edward took another sep in my direction, so close now that we could touch. I didn't dare reach out and touch this angel. It would be a sin just to have my skin connect with such perfection.

However it was he that took a chance to touch me. It was so incredibly slow, as though with every minute motion he was wondering if he could do it. I saw him concentrating, holding his breath at the exact moment of contact. He watched his hand touch my face and he immediately closed his eyes when our skin came into contact. He let go a slow breath, and it wafted over my face, the smell so sweet and intoxicating I grew almost dizzy.

But I fought through it somehow, holding myself up, unwilling to breach the contact. I felt my eyes, as they were so wide, looking at him as he simply breathed, in and out slowly his own two perfect eyes closed in concentration.

"Who were you?" he asked, still with closed eyelids. "I loved you. Enough to risk my life, which in the end was what I gave for you. My human life was forfeit because I couldn't stop loving you. I know you tried to break it off but I wouldn't listen. I know we had countless arguments about our circumstances and each time I convinced you that I simply could not live without you. Which was why I had to come see you. But I had to make sure it was safe. If I hurt you—the woman I died for, lived through days of never ending pain for, the woman for whom I struggle everyday against what I am just to make sure I could see her—I would never forgive myself."

His hand had moved to cup the side of my face, his icy cold palm against my cheek. I wanted to turn into his touch, to reciprocate in some way, but somehow I knew it would not be wise.

"So far so good," I said softly. Edward's eyes opened and they were so warm that even though I was used to a different color, they comforted me. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He dropped his hand slowly with a palpable amount of reluctance.

"It's so strange to know you loved someone, and that you are sure you love them now, and not know why," he told me. "It is even more strange to _want_ to love someone, but not be sure you know how. We are different now, Bella. You are not the woman you were three years ago, and I am clearly not the man you knew. I am not a man at all. And even if we weren't changed at all, I still don't remember exactly who you were. I have no reference, no idea of the person you are, only this feeling that I love you. But I want to know why," he told me.

"Let me tell you," I replied. He looked at me for a long moment and then nodded. I folded myself on the ground slowly. Edward followed suit.

I told him our story like Carlisle could not. I told him all the details, all the things we spoke of. I told him who I was when he met me, the predicament I had been in, the woman I became because of him. I told him a complete story of us, from start to finish. He didn't interrupt once. At certain points he would react, a smile, a frown, a worried look, but never once through the telling did he speak. When I was done he stared at me for a long moment, still silent.

"Did you marry him?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Then why are you still here?" he asked.

"I was waiting for you."

"I would have found you no matter were you were."

I smiled but said nothing.

"What happened after I was gone?" he asked. This was a question I wasn't sure I wanted to answer. But he asked, and I would not refuse to give a response.

"I cried for weeks. I wouldn't get out of bed. But eventually it became easier for me not to think about you so much. After a few months I only cried at night. I could sleep and eat again. It got easier as time went on not to feel like I was drowning here without you every day. But I haven't felt whole since the day you went away," I told him. He nodded and said nothing.

"I'm sorry to have hurt you so," he told me after a little while of us simply staring back at the other.

"You did nothing wrong," I reminded him.

"Without me, you never would have hurt like that," he countered.

"Without you, I might as well never have lived."

"Don't say that, Bella."

"Why not? Its true."

"Bella, you don't understand. What we had…cannot ever be again. I can't risk being that close to you. I would hurt you, even if I didn't mean to. I could live a hundred years as a vampire and never have enough control over myself to keep from hurting you. Not to mention the fact that you smell so unworldly. Most humans still smell the same to me, but yours is so _strong_ that it is like wafting food in front of my face. With time I could become desensitized to that, but I could never be gentle enough to keep from killing you if we made love. I am sorry," he said, hanging his head in shame.

"I don't care about that," I told him. Of course I had missed making love to him. But that wasn't what I wanted most of all. Seeing him at all was like a miracle.

"What do you care about?" he asked.

"This," I said gesturing to us both, "being able to be near to you, to hear your voice, see your face, know that you know who I am, that I haven't lost you…" I trailed off.

"So if I can never be with you that way again?"

"I would rather sit here and talk with you for hours like we used to than that."

He nodded, as though he was mildly surprised. This time, I had to ask.

"Why do you look so confused?" I asked.

"Those are some of my most vivid memories," he replied. I felt myself blush crimson. I could only imagine Edward, not knowing much about his human life, remembering making love to me. I heard a little growl in his chest as a smile played on his lips. I looked up at him, sure that there was some danger. The fear must have shown in my eyes because he only shook his head and smiled.

"Don't worry, there is nothing to be worried about. It is just…that blush of yours is so very tempting," he said slowly. This only made me blush harder. Edward laughed and it was like a bell ringing, melodic and gorgeous. I smiled in return and Edward's expression softened. A second time he reached his hand to my face brushing his fingers across my cheek. The coldness of his hands was so unlike what I had been used to, but I didn't shy away. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of his skin so close to mine, let him touch me and be happy that it was even possible.

"My Bella," he whispered sweetly.

"_Am_ I still yours?" I asked, opening my eyes slowly.

Edward said nothing for a long time. He looked in my eyes as though he was trying to figure out how to answer that question. Then he sighed.

"You always have been," he said. "That wont ever change."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He grinned, a crooked smile, that had I not already been sitting down, would have brought me to my knees. No one should be that beautiful.

"Because I have no intention of ever letting you go."


	11. Mine

Hey there readers! I hope you are having a great holiday season! and here I am, with my contribution with another chapter! yay!

enjoy :)

* * *

I smiled at him. Being charming was always one of Edward's strong suits. It was good to know that some things never change.

"And how do you intend to do that?" I asked, with a grin. He didn't smile back. He was thinking of this seriously.

"I don't know, Bella. I want to spend time with you, get to know you again, but its so _hard_ being around you. And I know that its dangerous for us to be around each other, not just because I might accidentally hurt you, but because the werewolves," he said, his face crinkling in distaste, "will know and I don't want anything to happen to you because of me"

"Jacob wouldn't hurt me," I told him.

"I am sure he didn't think he would hurt his father either," he replied.

"That isn't fair."

"Why not? They are animals, Bella. They are so tied to their temper. If he gets angry enough he will snap. You have seen it happen," he reminded me. That knocked the air from my lungs. Of all the things I had kept myself from thinking of, the vision of Edward lying on the ground, gasping his last breaths, bleeding and choking to death made tears come fresh in my eyes even if he was sitting right in front of me to see. I knew he didn't mean to upset me, only to prove a point, but that didn't stop it from making it hard to breathe when the images passed through my mind.

But before I got too deep into my own thoughts, before watching his death again pulled me too far under, Edward held my face between his perfect, icy hands.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I only need you to understand why I can't trust him with your well being," he explained. I looked up into his eyes for a moment and found I was unable to look away. He stole my breath again, but this time in a completely different way. He smiled at me slowly, the expression sliding onto his face with ease. He was enjoying the way I was reacting to his proximity. My heart sped up every second he remained so close to me. My breathing was erratic. My whole body was on fire.

But just then Edward backed off, dropping his hands from my face and sitting up straight again.

"Forgive me?" he asked, a pleased smile in his topaz eyes. I nodded absently, trying to bring my mind back into focus. While I was trying to think, Edward stood up, his movements far too quick for my human eyes to follow. I remembered Carlisle moving in much the same way. He extended his hand for me and I gave him mine in return. He helped me to my feet, which I stood on shakily for a moment. He did not release my hand for an extra moment and I reveled in just the pure bliss of knowing that I was getting to touch him again.

"Come home with me for a while. My family wants to see you, Alice especially," he requested. I hadn't realized his whole family was here, but it only made sense that they would come with him. It wouldn't be particularly safe for him to come find me all on his own.

"I didn't know they were here," I said, my voice echoing my thoughts. He smiled and nodded and then reached for my hand again, carefully intertwining our fingers. He was doing everything so slowly and with such caution, I didn't really understand it. He told me that my scent was strong and that it tempted him. But why did he have to act as though I was some glass figurine?

"Why do you touch me like you think I will break?" I asked as we walked together. Edward laughed lightly in the calm September air.

"Bella, you have no idea how fragile you are compared to me. Your body is so breakable. And I haven't had to restrain my strength to be in contact with a human before. Of course I have practiced not using my full strength, but I still have to be careful with you. If I lost control for just a second," he said, lifting our entwined hands for emphasis, "I could crush your hand. I wouldn't _mean_ to. But I have to stay in control all the time; otherwise, you will get hurt. Its like when you touch a small baby, you have to control the force you use when touching them so you don't hurt them," he explained.

"So I'm like a baby to you," I asked skeptically. He laughed again, louder this time and shook his head.

"Only in that you are delicate. In every other way you are as much a woman to me as you ever were," he told me. I smiled back at him and we continued walking for a while in comfortable silence. Just when I was going to ask him where he and his family were staying, his old house, the one I had only been to once before, came into view.

We walked straight into his house at which point every member of his family, standing in anticipation, greeted us.

"I told you," Alice said snidely. Edward rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"What did you tell him?" I asked. She looked over to Edward, whose face did not change. But there was something happening between them, some unspoken communication.

"Alice was trying to convince me that you would not be afraid of me if I was a vampire. I was not so sure but apparently she was right. I should not have doubted her," he said stoically. I nodded, accepting that there may have been more to that story and I likely would not hear the rest of it.

"It not like you wouldn't already know, you little freak of nature," Emmett chimed in. Edward frowned at him.

"Actually, there is something…interesting and incredibly frustrating I found out about her," he replied.

"Are you going to hold us all in suspense or are you going to tell us?" Jasper asked sarcastically. I suppressed a smile as Edward sighed.

"She's blank to me. I can't hear a thing," he explained. I looked up at him, utterly perplexed.

"Really? That's quite interesting. Do you have any idea why?" Carlisle asked. Edward shook his head.

"So you're both freaks of nature," Emmett said, laughing. Edward opened his mouth to say something but I stopped the conversation.

"Excuse me, but before I get labeled as a freak of nature, could you please explain what you are talking about?" I asked, trying to be polite.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bella, I completely forgot that I didn't tell you," Edward said. "I explained to you the talents that some vampires have did I not?" he asked. I nodded. I remembered every single word he ever spoke to me. "Well as it turns out, I got a talent of my own after I was changed. It's actually more of a curse than a blessing in my opinion but it does prove itself useful every so often. I can read people's thoughts; see the images in their minds, especially if I have become particularly attuned to their…voice I suppose you would call it. But you…I can't hear a thing. Your mind is completely blank to me."

"So I could think whatever I wanted and you wouldn't have any idea what it was?" I asked. It seemed a strange question to ask.

"No, I do not. I know that Emmett is thinking how different you look since three years has passed and you are cuter than he remembers. Alice is wondering if her latest vision will come true, Jasper is thinking about the emotions he is feeling from us both, Rose wishes she wasn't here, Carlisle is fascinated by the anomaly of your mind and Esme is just happy to see us all happy. But your mind is blank to me."

His entire family looked at him strangely, as though it was by no means the first time he had revealed their innermost thoughts to an entire room of people, but that didn't make it a more pleasant experience.

"That's so strange. I have never heard of one person being the exception to a talent," Carlisle commented. He looked at me for a long moment and then smiled, as if to say I shouldn't worry about it. I smiled back and then turned to look at Edward.

"So I am a freak?" I asked him with a grin. He laughed a little.

"I think perhaps, if one of us is the freak, it would be the one of us that can read minds," he said. I would have argued—if anyone in their right mind could call him a freak it was beyond my mind to comprehend why they would insult such an angel—but he did have a point.

"Well, Bella, how have you been?" Carlisle asked. I didn't know what to say exactly. I couldn't very well confess to his whole family that I had more or less been catatonic for months at a time.

"I've been alright," I equivocated. It must have been obvious by the way I said it that it wasn't something I was going to talk about. It had been three years here essentially by myself, trying not to fall apart. And I had managed to do it, through some miracle. I wasn't going to tell them the way I had told Edward what had happened to me after they left.

After a moment of silence conversation picked up again. We talked for a while then. I watched them interact as a family and it amazed me that anyone could hate them at all. They were so _human_. Of course they looked far more than human and sometimes they spoke or moved too fast, but mostly, they acted like any human family.

Before I realized it, an hour had passed. When I finally realized how much time had gone by, I gasped. I had been gone so long. Jacob would be worried sick, especially after the way I had acted.

"Why so suddenly panicked? You're making me dizzy," Jasper told me. I looked over at him apologetically.

"I'm sorry. I only just figured out how long it's been since I have been home. Jacob will already have a thousand questions. And I don't know what I am going to tell him," I confessed. Jasper nodded and rubbed his forehead.

"Perhaps you should get going," Carlisle suggested. Both Edward and I said our goodbyes and we began our way back to my house.

"Why cants you just tell Jacob the truth?" Edward asked when we were outside his house.

"And tell him what? 'Sorry I was gone so long, Jacob. That rose that I got was actually from Edward, who by the way isn't dead like I told you he was, he was actually changed into a vampire by his father because you almost killed him'".

"Your sarcasm doesn't help the situation," he reminded me dryly.

"I know that," I said, frustrated, "but I don't know how to tell him the truth. What if he gets angry again? What if he comes after you?"

"I will be fine," he assured me.

"That is what you said last time," I whispered. Edward stopped dead in his tracks.

"What do you mean?" he asked. It was so easy to forget that he was not aware of our past in as much detail as I was.

"When we were together before, I worried about you constantly. I was afraid that you would get hurt, I was afraid we would be found and when we were, Jacob would kill you. And every time I spoke of my concerns you always told me you would be fine. You argued every time that nothing would happen to you.

"But it did. Jacob found us and he killed you. You would have been dead if your father didn't decide at the last minute to change you. So you can understand why I am afraid of something happening to you. And why when you tell me you will be fine it doesn't mean the same thing it might have before."

He stared at me for a moment.

"I don't remember that," he told me slowly. "But Bella, this promise is different. I was human then. I'm stronger now, I can protect myself, and you if need be. You don't have to worry."

I reached my hand up toward his face, moving to touch _him_ for the first time. I moved slowly, just as slowly as he did but a different reason. I wasn't afraid he would break, or afraid I would lose control. I was afraid that surely if I touched him he would disappear, like he hadn't really been here at all.

Edward watched my hand as I did, as it came into contact with his perfect face. His lips parted when my skin touched his and even though it was an intimate gesture, there was sadness in it as well.

"I will be fine," he said eventually. I smiled sadly.

"I watched you die, Edward. I held your hand. I heard you…I heard you scream when you started changing. And all I could think was, 'this is all my fault.' You were dying; you were in agony because I couldn't just let you go. For three years I haven't been able to forgive myself for killing you, even though I knew you weren't really dead."

"That wasn't your fault," he said.

"It feels like it was. I was selfish, Edward. I knew what we were doing when we snuck out every night. I knew that if anything ever happened and we were discovered, Jacob would forgive me. He forgave me almost as soon as it happened. A week later he was already asking if I thought we could make it work and I never answered him, Edward, but in truth, I know I could never love him."

"Why?" he asked, as if he did not know.

"Because I love you, Edward. Because I have always loved you, from the moment I saw you. Because I have lived three years without you and I love you still as much as I ever did, even if you don't. And because he killed you. It might have been an accident, but he killed you. Nothing he could ever say would change that."

"I'm right here," he told me.

"That's not the point," I replied.

"So tell me what is, Bella."

"I won't risk you again. I refuse. I am not putting you in danger."

"You won't have a choice. They will smell me all over you now; you won't be able to get rid of my scent before one of them notices. And what will you say? That you managed to escape from some renegade vampires?"

"I don't know what I will say," I told him he nodded.

"Then perhaps you should go with the easiest story, the truth."

"I don't know why you assume the truth is the easiest story."

"Please, Bella. I understand why we hid before. I understand, though I do not remember, why we could not be together in public. But what you don't understand is that every aspect of my life now is a lie. I pretend to be human, pretend not to want human blood, pretend not to be as fast or strong as I am, pretend to be ordinary. There is one thing I want _not_ to have to pretend about, and that is you."

We had started walking again, a dangerous feat when I was so focused on Edward's face. But I managed to listen to him as I walked and watched. I understood what he was saying. I didn't want to pretend again either. He was feeling resentful of the situation already, and he didn't even remember the months we had to hide.

"And what happens when Jacob gets angry, when he wants to come after you?" I asked.

"I know of places he would never find us," he told me, his words echoing the same ones he had told me years ago. I laughed.

"Tell me what about this you find so amusing," he said, his tone sour.

"If I had any doubt who you were, even for an instant, I wouldn't have to worry."

"Meaning?"

"You spoke those same words to me years ago. You promised me there were places in this world that could be found to hide us both, that Jacob would never find and we would never have to worry. Of course you were human then and even if we did run it wasn't very likely we would have gotten very far," I told him with a smile.

"Does it mean more to you now that I am not?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Not more, exactly. The offer meant much to me then, just as it does now. I understand what you are trying to say, and the idea of running away with you sounds lovely, just as it did the first time you offered. But still the danger remains of Jacob not understanding what has happened and trying to find me, trying to find us."

"Then tell him the truth and I will do exactly that. I will bring you to places you have never even heard of," he offered with a desperate, but undeniably charming, smile in his eyes.

"I will come with you if you wish," he said casually.

"No! You can't do that!" I exclaimed, absolutely horrified.

"Why ever not?"

"It will cause enough trouble telling Jacob about the fact that you're alive, and after that I will have to tell him that I want to go with you and your family, that I want to leave him for the creatures he hates most, your family almost more than I think he would hate any other vampires. If he _saw_ you as I was telling him this he would attack you, no question," I explained.

"I can take care of myself," he assured me.

"Against Jacob? Maybe. But against the entire pack? I don't think so. He isn't alone, Edward. Don't forget that."

"Neither am I."

"And I wont have you starting some battle between your family and his because you could not let me go alone," I told him, making my voice sound as stern as I could manage. Edward stared down at me for a moment, his eyes holding mine as we walked. Miraculously I managed not to trip over anything before he looked away and released me.

"Fine," he finally ceded.

"I don't understand why you would rather take a match to an already existing feud over a girl you just met than just let me do this alone," I said, noticing the sour look upon his face.

"I did not just meet you," he reminded me.

"You might as well have. It has been three years since we have seen each other and you hardly even remember me."

"Even if I did not have these residual memories or feeling, Bella, I would still take risks for you. Just as I did before. You said the first night we spent in the meadow was after we hardly knew the other. But I still waited for you, and you still came," he said, his voice sounding so far away, like he was trying to remember that night and was finding that he couldn't. I thought back on it as he could not, remembering how wild I felt sneaking out with him, the rush as we ran from the house, the way his face had looked in the moonlight. Of course this led me to remember other things—the first time he kissed me, him holding me, the words we spoke to each other as the sun would come up when we walked away from our sanctuary. A thousand different little memories he did not have, a thousand different things that had made me love him the way I did, a thousand different reasons I had died when I watched his last breaths.

"Yes, you did," I whispered, still thinking on it. Edward stopped walking again, and I few steps after him. I hadn't noticed that we were already so close to my house again. I could see it from where we were standing.

"Are you going to tell him?" he asked me solemnly. I could see in his eyes—the strangest color, like liquid gold and so beautiful—that he was unsure if I was going to divulge the truth. And in all honesty, neither was I. A part of me had fantasized about the idea of running away with Edward ever since he had offered it to me the first time three years ago. I had thought about it constantly as our affair had progressed. But I had never confessed this to Edward. Any encouragement when it came to fantasies such as that one would only prompt another discussion about why we could not ever do it. And over the years after he left, I never let myself slip into one of those daydreams unless my day was going so badly that I just needed relief for a while. Because when I finally came down from the dream I felt horrible again.

Now it seemed like it could almost be a viable option. And I _wanted_ to so badly; I wanted to go away with him and not have to remember the hurt that followed me around at the house I now lived in. It wasn't home to me, it never had been. And even though I had come to care about all the people I lived with, that was _nothing_ in comparison to the joy I would get from being with Edward.

"If I told him, what then? What would we do next?" I asked.

"I assume that we would leave, all of us, my family included, and go back to where my family and I had been living before we came here. I know they all thought I came here to see you, and in part that is what it was. But I knew before I even arrived if you were as I fantasized you were—as my few memories told me you were—I wouldn't be able to leave here without you."

"And?"

"I am not leaving here without you."

I looked down at my feet and smiled.

"We will live there for a while. We will need some time to adjust of course, and I will need some time to become familiar with you again. But also I need some time to adjust to your scent all around me and being able to _not_ kill you. After I am able to adjust to that, we can go wherever you want."

"And then?" I asked, still looking down. Edward's chilly fingers tilted my face to look at his, his motion slow and careful still.

"I believe that is where the happily ever after comes in," he assured me. I laughed a little, and so did he.

"Tomorrow morning, Bella. I want to meet you at the meadow by tomorrow morning. That should be enough time for you to work up the courage to speak to Jacob, to tell him the truth and tell him what is going to happen. Even if you are not ready to leave by tomorrow morning, I still want to talk to you to know what is happening. Can you manage that?" he asked, his eyes still staring not mine, his fingers, gently touching my face. I nodded, not trusting my mouth with words at that point. He smiled and then removed his fingers from me and his eyes from mine so I could stop being so transfixed by him.

"Go on, Bella. I will be waiting for you," he told me.

"But you don't know when I will be coming to talk to you," I said, still slightly dazed.

"Then I will just sit and wait," he replied. I smiled and shook my head but began walking back to my house. I didn't hear him go, but when I looked over my shoulder, Edward was already gone.

I approached my house slowly, trying to steady my shaking nerves and think of a way to tell Jacob. I could not think of a good way, no matter how many times I tried. What happened when I got inside was reminiscent of the night Edward had brought me home from his house three years before. Jacob was waiting at the door. He saw me and relief crossed his face, and not a moment later, his face contorted.

"What happened? Are you alright? You smell like―"

"I am fine, Jacob, it isn't what you think," I told him.

"Then what?"

_Just say it, just say it and get it over with._

"Edward."

His face did nothing for a moment; it remained in its original shocked and disgusted expression. And then slowly it curled into some thing angry.

"He's dead."

"No, he isn't. I told you he was dead because I couldn't tell you the truth."

"He survived," Jacob said, suspiciously.

"Not in the sense that he is alive," I told him. I couldn't just come out and say it. I could not say that Edward was a vampire, not to Jacob.

Jacob swore, loudly, his voice echoing in the hall.

"Are you trying to tell me that Edward is a _vampire_ and you have been with him all afternoon?" he asked. I nodded weakly.

"And the rose?"

"He used to give them to me. I thought you had left it for me, and I thought you knew about it, and that is why I got angry, but it was Edward. That's how I knew he was here," I explained.

"How long have they been here?"

"As far as I know, just today."

"And how long are they staying?"

"I don't know," I replied. It was true. Who knew how long it would take for us to leave.

Us. I had decided to go with them.

"I don't understand why you would want to see that monster. He's another leech now, just like his entire monstrous family. Not to mention the fact that he left you," he told me.

"He didn't have a choice, Jacob."

"Oh really? He didn't have a choice? Does he know what happened to you after you left? Does he know what it did to you? Does he think I am just going to let you get crushed again when he decides he 'doesn't have a choice' but to leave you again? I know you don't love me, Bella. I have been painfully aware of that fact for years. But that doesn't mean I am going to let him hurt you," Jacob said. I smiled sadly, hearing the nobility of his intended actions.

"He isn't going to leave me again," I assured him.

"He is a vampire, Bella, they aren't really known for their trustworthiness. How could you ever really know that?" he asked.

"Because I am going with him," I blurted out. I couldn't believe I had said the words, and as soon as they were out of my mouth I covered it, horrified at what I had just done. Jacob looked at me for a moment like he hadn't heard me, or hadn't understood.

"W-what?" he asked, as though it was the only word he could make.

"You told me once, a long time ago, that you wouldn't stand in the way of something that made me happy. Does that promise still stand?" I asked.

"This was not what I meant," he told me.

"I know when you made that promise you were not thinking that I would be asking you to let me leave you for someone else, a vampire no less. But you just said it, I don't love you. We both know it. How can you ask me to stay here, to live this way, forever in the middle?"

"Bella…you _can't_ just…he's a _vampire_! What if he kills you? What if one of his family members just 'slips up' and murders you?"

"That won't happen," I said slowly. He wasn't shaking too hard yet, but I could see a bit of a twitch beginning. I didn't want him to get too angry.

"You can't be sure of that! There is no way you could know if they would ever accidentally hurt you! It's not safe, Bella. I can't let you leave to go be with vampires, it's absolutely out of the question."

"It is not your decision to make. This is a courtesy, Jacob. I wanted to tell you the truth; I wanted you to know so you wouldn't think I had been kidnapped or some other nonsense. I am leaving with Edward and his family whenever they go, to wherever they go to."

"No," Jacob said firmly.

"Please don't make this harder than it has to be," I begged him.

"If the bastard wanted to risk his own life playing with vampires, he was more than welcome, and eventually he got turned into the very thing he was hiding behind as his so called family. But now he wants to put you in danger. You think that is love, Bella? You think he _loves_ you so much, he needs you around so much, he is willing to put you in mortal danger every day?"

"I think it's a danger I am willing to risk."

Jacob shook his head.

"He's a vampire, Bella. A monster, he drinks blood for God's sake he―"

"Fights what he is each and every day he exists because he doesn't want to be an evil thing. He doesn't want to hurt people, Jacob. He hasn't hurt anyone, and neither has his family. They all resist to keep their humanity. How can that be bad?"

"He's still a monster."

"And so are you."

"What do I have to do to show you he s no good for you?" Jacob asked, his voice like a whine.

"You can't."

"Killing him would not make a difference, would it?" Jacob asked, seeming as though he had accepted defeat. I shook my head.

"He was gone three years and you never gave up on him. I always wondered why you never got past him, why you refused to let go. But it was because you knew he was never really dead and you thought he might come back for you," Jacob said, his voice far away, like he was remembering.

"He did," I reminded him.

"He did," he repeated.

We stood together for a long moment. I thought about going to get my things, going to say goodbye to everyone. The only one that I felt I owed a goodbye to was Emily, but it might be easier for the both of us if I didn't find her. So instead of retrieving my belongings and having awkward goodbyes with people who wouldn't understand I turned and began walking out of the house that had never been home.

"You were never mine, were you?" Jacob asked from behind me. I turned and looked over my shoulder at him.

"All this time, even at the very beginning, you were never mine," he stated. I sighed sadly and pulled a silver chain out of my shirtfront. Upon it hung the engagement ring Jacob had given me, still shining there with all its promises. I pulled the chain off and walked back over to Jacob slowly. He stared at me as I did so and extended his hand unconsciously as I handed him the ring still on its chain. I had kept it there, too afraid to leave it somewhere but not willing to wear it, for years now.

"Find someone who loves you as much as you deserve and give her something that means something to you. And do us both a favor, Jacob: don't think about me much," I murmured to him. His fist closed round the ring and chain but he said nothing.

His silence followed me out.

* * *

no, this isnt the end. this is just the end of...part one I guess. so consider part one officially done with. part two will commence shortly. 


	12. Dangerous

Yay part two! cant wait for you guys to see where this goes!

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Every step I took away from the house was like goodbye. I was reminded every time my foot connected with the ground that this was the last time I would ever set foot on these grounds, walk the garden path, see the house I lived in for three years. Inside it, there would be business as usual for everyone except Jacob, who I just _knew_ was still standing with the ring in his hand. They would find out eventually that I had left, that I had eventually gone just like I was sure they all knew I eventually would. I had been there waiting for Edward. Now that I didn't have to wait anymore, I didn't need to stay.

I knew Emily would be sad that I had not said goodbye to her. And it made me feel guilty and saddened as well that I had not. She had cared for me when I could hardly move on my own. But I knew if I told her I was going, if I had to explain to her that I was not coming back I would have been there for hours, explaining and re-explaining, making her understand why I couldn't stay. She wouldn't hate me for it, she above all others must have known how much it killed me every day being without Edward, but she would want me to stay even still.

I carried my heavy heart with me as I walked down the garden path toward my love, who wasn't sure if he loved me. I was glad he remembered me. It heartened me beyond reasoning that in his memories, he could at least tell we were together. He knew we were in love, that at least he could tell. But he didn't know it for sure. He didn't know me anymore. And that was a fair enough assessment; we hadn't seen each other for three years, I could not expect him to know exactly who I was anymore. I didn't even know that anymore. But he didn't even know who I had been. He didn't know why he would love me. I told him why of course, I had explained our situation. But hearing a story told does not explain why you loved someone. I could not tell a story about the way he laughed. I could not explain the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me, the shivers I got when he said my name, or how close we were, watching stars turn overhead.

But when I reached the meadow and saw him lying on his back like he had a hundred times before, his lips moving in a silent song I almost cried. There was my Edward, lying right where I had left him in every memory of mine. If I ever pictured him it was always like this, eyes closed, smiling as I tried to sneak up on him. Of course now it would be impossible to do so, not that I had ever managed it even when he was human.

I walked over to him, smiling at my memories. He looked up at me when I stood over him and said nothing. He stood suddenly, his movements so fluid and quick my eyes couldn't follow.

"Jacob?" he asked quietly.

"Is letting me go."

"You seem sad," he observed. I nodded, not bothering to refute it.

"Why?"

"Jacob loved me, even if he never said it, I always knew. He was so patient with me when I was getting through that first year without you. He loved me, and he knew I never loved him, but he never let go. I suppose he hoped one day I would love him back, but I couldn't. And today he had to hear it right to his face that I didn't care about him that way and I never will."

Edward nodded and said nothing. We stared at the other for a while, not really sure what else there was to do or say.

"Do you need to go back?" he asked. I shook my head. He nodded again and extended his hand to me, in which I placed my own. The cold of his skin shocked me again. He was like an ice block. But of course even the freezing temperature of his hand would not make me let go. I simply couldn't. Being in contact with him was the only way I could truly make myself believe he was here with me, that I wasn't dreaming again.

"I am surprised you have come back to me so quickly," he told me as we walked back to his house, a similar trek to the one we had made earlier that day. Only this time the light was fading, the sky grew dimmer with every minute.

"I had to tell him. He was waiting for me when I got home and I had to explain right then before he flew into some frenzy," I told him.

"You did not lie," he stated.

"No, I didn't. I told him exactly what was happening. It practically killed me to watch his face while I did it, but I knew he deserved the truth."

Edward nodded and smiled softly, like I had said something amusing.

"What are you smiling about?" I asked.

"I realize now, what it is I found so attractive about you," he said. "Not that it was not obvious before why I was drawn to you at first, as beautiful as you are, but your values and actions are so above reproach its hard to find a single flaw in you," he said, watching where we were walking instead of my face. Which was likely a good thing, seeing as I was blushing the brightest crimson I ever had.

"I have flaws," I assured him.

"Such as?"

"I'm clumsy, I break things, I'm weak, I―"

"What would ever give you the impression you were weak?" he asked.

"In comparison to you? You could probably life me over your head and throw me back to my house. I have trouble moving furniture."

"I would never in all the words I could find, use anything like weak to describe you," he told me. "You spent three years here, waiting for someone you didn't know would come back to you. You lived with the knowledge that the person you loved was somewhere without you and you could not be with them. I might not have remembered you, but you managed to keep going for years knowing all that. What is weak about that?"

"You did too," I reminded him.

"That is different," he countered.

"How?"

"The first year I was gone I was just trying to get a handle on my new body and abilities. The second year I was trying to control my thirst. Even this third year I am trying to control myself. It was only in the past six months I have begun to even be able to think about who I was, and who you were. And even once I did, it is not the same. I do not have the same memories or the strength of the emotions you do. Every day for three years you knew who I was and what we had, I still am not sure who I was or what we had. But I can tell you this, I am glad to have had it, even if I don't remember."

I didn't know what to say. So I just smiled and nodded, looking over to Edward's serene features. But I stared a little too long. The miraculous poise I had inherited for most of the day finally wore out, and my feet caught on something—a root or a rock or something else altogether—and I went tumbling toward the ground. Edward's grip on my hand would have yanked my arm right out of its socket if he didn't let me go, so I was prepared to hit the ground face first.

But his stony arms caught me round the waist mere inches from the dirt. For a moment neither of us moved. We hadn't been in this much contact, and I was sure that was deliberate on his part. At first seeing him I had been too awed and afraid to really touch him, but now that I could say for sure he was here and real, I wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him. But he said that was dangerous, for a multitude of reasons. I would have argued, but I knew better than to test Edward when it came to my safety. He was as stubborn on that subject now as he had ever been.

And there we were, his arms around me, holding me against his marble chest, completely still. I didn't move an inch, not sure what was happening except for the fact that I hadn't tumbled to the ground as I had expected I would. After a moment Edward stood straight up, taking me with him. He set me on my feet and then backed away very quickly. His face was set and I could tell he was not breathing. I stayed still, reminiscent of when Jacob got too angry and was fighting off phasing.

Edward turned and I could hear him gasping breaths, gulping down air like he was going to die without it. We both knew that wasn't true, but there was no other way to describe it. He sounded like he had just come up from underwater and needed desperately to breathe.

"Edward?" I whispered as quietly as my voice would go.

"One moment," he said, through clenched teeth. In waited silently and still. I was too afraid to speak or move again. Jacob's words of warning rang in my mind, telling me he would kill me. But I wouldn't believe them. He wouldn't hurt me. He just needed a moment. So I waited for him to regain his composure. I watched as he breathed, as his muscles began to relax and he became less rigid as the minutes went by. Eventually he turned back around, his face calm again.

"I'm so sorry," he said softly.

"What happened?" I asked, not exactly sure what had gone wrong. Was it being so close, having so much contact?

"When you fell I caught you out of instinct, I just reacted, I didn't think. And when I was holding you up I was so close to you and…your hair moved aside and your throat was so close. You smelled…unbelievable. I couldn't…it was overpowering. It actually hurt to keep myself from hurting you. Obviously I managed it, though. I'm sorry," he said again.

"I told you I'm clumsy," I replied quietly.

"Yes, I believe I am coming to understand. But it was better to have caught you than to have let you fall. If you had scraped your hand…even one single drop of blood would have broken me," he admitted. He looked away from me, and it was obvious that he was embarrassed, ashamed even. I wanted to assure him that I was fine, that he had nothing to be ashamed of, but I didn't know how. It was an instinct to reach out and touch him, to caress his face or kiss him to make him understand, but that was out of the question. He couldn't handle accidentally coming into contact with me; I couldn't imagine what a kiss would do to him. Or I suppose it would be more to the point of asking what a kiss would make him do to me.

So I stood silent with him for a long time. It was getting dark as we just stood and looked at each other. I wasn't sure there was anything I could say to make him feel differently. Eventually, we began walking again, slowly to make sure I didn't hurt myself, but he did not take my hand again. We remained out of contact the rest of the way to his house. Of course I expected it and I should have been prepared for it, but I still craved contact with him.

Finally we arrived at his house and he pushed the door open, letting me in the light first before following and closing the door. His whole family was there waiting for us. Alice looked at me expectantly, as though I should have had some big news to tell her. I simply smiled and said hello.

"Hello again, Bella," Carlisle said, breaking the moment of silence were everyone was watching me.

"Evening," I said in response, not really thinking. I was looking around and wondering about all of them. They were Edward's family. I had met them before, some of them I had even grew to like and trust over time, but years had passed. I was sure they remembered me, but were they as ready to accept me as a new member of the household as Edward was?

"You didn't bring anything," Alice observed, looking at mine and Edward's empty hands.

"It was easier this way. I didn't even really think about it, I just didn't want to cause a huge fuss with Jacob and having to go retrieve all my things seemed like a bigger hassle than it was worth," I explained. I realized that it was a stupid thing to have done, not brought my clothes. But Edward groaned beside me and covered his face before I could apologize for being an idiot. I looked over at him and then at Alice, who was grinning from ear to ear. I quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Well that just means we will have to go buy some new things for you," she informed me.

"No, Alice, really, that is okay. I think there might still be some things at my father's house I could get. Its no problem."

"Don't be silly, Bella, of course we are going to get you new things," she replied, and before I could argue, she grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me with her into another room. She wanted to talk to me 'alone', which meant without Edward. She took me into a sitting room not unlike the one I had been in for years now.

"He's such a pest with that whole mind reading talent of his. I cant get a word in edgewise without his knowing I was going to say it before hand," she explained. I nodded in agreement, even though he could not tell what I was thinking. I thanked God for that at least. Although, if he _could_ read my mind, he might be able to have my memories and understand our past a little better.

"Besides, he needs to hunt now. He will need to hunt more often if you are going to be with us. And you _are_ going to be with us, right?"

"I thought you could see the future," I teased.

"I can, but only on what you decide as the moments pass. What you decide right now might yield a vision that is negated by something you decide later on. And besides, my visions of you are…hazy sometimes."

"Hazy?"

"They are blurry, like a painting that gets wet and the paint runs. I can't make everything out very well. And then there are times when a vision cuts off, or when there are pieces missing, but that's because of the werewolves."

"Werewolves," I repeated back to her. She nodded absently as though it was nothing.

"They affect my visions. I cant see anything if they are involved. That's why I couldn't see your decision to come stay with us until you were already with Edward. You didn't make up your mind to come until you were talking to Jacob, so I couldn't see it. That is also why I didn't see Edward get hurt until after the attack already happened. Jacob was the one who was making the decisions; he was the one that attacked him. By the time I saw Edward he was already…dying," she said, her eyes far off as though she was remembering.

"I'm sorry," I said. Alice snapped back to attention.

"For what?" she asked, as though she truly did not know.

"For putting your brother in that kind of danger. I didn't mean for him to get hurt," I told her. She smiled affectionately at me.

"Oh Bella, it was going to happen eventually. We all knew that one day he would make the choice to be a vampire. I saw it countless times," she assured me. I nodded.

"Of course, I wasn't prepared for the visions I got of you," she said quietly. I looked at her from where I was sitting on the small chair.

"My mind was tuned to your destiny because I was looking out for your future so often for all those months. I couldn't just block the visions I was getting of you after we left. But Bella…was it really that bad?" she asked.

"What did you see?" I asked, embarrassed because I was sure I already knew.

Again Alice's eyes seemed far away, like she was somewhere else completely. She was remembering the visions she had of me years ago. I was remembering those months as well, thinking about how horrible they were.

"You killed yourself once, attempted it a few other times. After time passed I obviously realized you didn't do it, but you must have decided to a few times for it to show up," she said. I nodded absently. I had decided to a few times. I had wanted to die if only to make it stop hurting so much. But I always changed my mind at the last minute because I had to hold on to the hope that maybe Edward would remember and come back for me. Sometimes that was the only way I got through the day. I had to tell myself it was only for a few years, and that someday he would be back and love me again.

"Why would you want to kill yourself?" she asked.

"I loved him, Alice. I loved him and I killed him because of it," I told her.

"So why didn't you?"

"Because I thought one day he might come back for me."

"He did," she reminded me, just as I had reminded Jacob.

"I know."

"Do you love him?" she asked. I looked up at her from my hands.

"Of course I do," I said.

"Do me favor then. Be patient with him. He is going to need a long time to get used to you again. You were just a woman in his mind, more imagination than reality for a long time. Now he is seeing you, this woman he loved. He wants to love you, Bella. He wants to remember you, and feel what you feel for him," Alice said.

"I know," I said.

"He has to fall in love with you again, Bella, this time as a vampire with a human. If you two weren't already connected as deeply as you are, I wouldn't advise it. But I don't think all the advice in the world could change it. You're bound to each other now. The fact that he remembered you the way he did even after he was changed is significant. It means something that he couldn't forget you," she continued.

"And what exactly does it mean?" I asked.

"More than you would think. But I'm sure he is getting antsy there without you. Go on and see him, we will have plenty of time to talk tomorrow while we are out getting you some new clothes," she said, a little smile on her face. I rolled my eyes, but realized there really wasn't a single thing I could do about it. If Alice wanted to bring me shopping she was going to whether I wanted to or not. So I got up and headed for the room where I could still hear voices come from, the main room from which Alice had dragged me to talk to me. Before I exited the room Alice called to me once more.

"Bella?" her voice rang like a tiny chime. I turned to her.

"Even though he had no idea who you were, you were the first thing he asked for when he awoke from the change. He was thirsty of course, and his body wanted blood, but _he_ wanted you. I don't know if he remembers asking for you, and even if he did he didn't even know what he was saying. But I remember that moment. He sat up, gasping and shaking and he looked at all of us. He looked straight at our father and said your name. I think a moment later the idea of hunting took over, but for that second, he remembered you clearly enough.

"This isn't going to be easy for either of you, but just remember that, okay? He knows you, Bella, even if he doesn't remember it."

I nodded and then went to Edward like she had told me to. He was standing right where I had left him in the main room, talking with his father and brothers. I walked over to him and stood there for a moment, just looking at him. He glanced at me as well and smiled before looking back at Carlisle who was speaking.

I knew we had just experienced a dangerous moment not long before because of having too much contact but after hearing all the things Alice had said to me, both that this was going to be hard and that we were 'bound to each other' I needed to touch him, if only for a moment, to make sure he knew I wasn't angry with him for what happened earlier. So I very slowly reached over to him and touched the back of his hand with mine. He reacted like I'd shocked him, pulling his hand away faster than I could see. I almost dropped my hand away but before I could he had returned his hand to mine, flipping it so his enclosed mine. He looked at me again quickly, his face calm but contented. He understood. He looked back to his conversation, still holding my hand and not saying a single word.

I thought about what Alice had said. He had asked for me. He could look at me now and hardly remember me beyond this morning, but the second after he awoke from his change the first thing he wanted was me. I squeezed his hand and smiled unconsciously.

"Bella?" Edward's voice rang out and brought me from my thoughts. I looked back up at him, his perfect, angelic features as he smiled down at me.

"You've been yawning for five minutes now, are you tired?" he asked. I didn't think I was. It was early, after all. But when I thought about it I had not been sleeping very well for almost two weeks, I had gotten up early, and my emotions had ranged to every end of the spectrum and back. But I didn't want to sleep yet. I knew that no one in the house would be sleeping but me and I didn't want to seem like the pathetic little human that could hardly stay up past sunset.

"I'm fine," I assured him. He looked at me skeptically.

"You are not a good liar," he told me.

"I know," I admitted sadly, "I hoped maybe I would be better at fooling you now."

"You'll be worse at it most likely. I can hear your heart beat now, I can tell if you lie," he assured me. I sighed but shrugged.

"You need sleep, Bella. Come, I'll show you where you can lie down," he said, and then he was leading me past his father and brothers, up a flight of stairs. We walked through a hall and then stopped at a door before Edward opened it. There was a large bed sitting across the room at the far wall, its wooden frame gleaming as though it had been freshly polished. There was a dresser and a desk in the room also, but not much else.

"The rest of my things are at our current home, but we brought enough to stay a few days," Edward told me as we stepped inside what I could only assume was his bedroom.

"This was my room during the time I spent here as a human. You can sleep here as long as we stay," he told me. He let go of my hand and went over to the dresser. He opened the top drawer and handed me a shirt and a pair of cloth pants. They were sleeping clothes, which of course he no longer needed. Wordlessly Edward left for a moment, closing the door behind him so I could change. I stripped off my clothes and put on his, folding mine after I was done. I opened the door to let him know I was done and a moment later he was back in the room with me.

I went about my normal bedtime rituals, pulling the blankets back on the bed, running my fingers through my hair because I did not have a brush and then climbing into bed slowly. Edward watched as I did all these things.

"Will you sit with me for a while?" I asked him as he put out the light, about to leave. He turned back and looked at me. The moon was shining palely that night, its light coming through the window and illuminating its space. He looked at me uncertainly for a moment, ad then crossed the room again, his steps noiseless, and sat on the other side of the bed.

I was going to ask him a question, but he while he was staring down at me lying in his old bed I couldn't think of any words. And then he opened his perfect mouth and began singing slowly, a song I didn't know. It was lovely and low and it lulled me to sleep within moments.

I dreamt of Edward.


	13. What I Want

Why hello reader! I though I would include a bit of comedic relief in this chapter. It's so intense and serious, but love isn't always a huge melodrama. Hope you like it

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When I woke up I was not alone. Edward was still sitting on the bed where he had been the night before, as though he had not moved a single inch since I had fallen asleep. I sat up and smiled sleepily at him, rubbing my eyes and running my hand through my hair, trying to make sense of everything again.

Yesterday had not been a dream. I was with Edward and his family. He had come back for me. He knew who I was. Of course with the good came the bad, that he was a vampire now, he had limited memories of me or us and that he had to learn to love me again. But I was more than willing to go through falling in love again for Edward. I didn't care how long it took as long as I got to be with him.

"You talk in your sleep," he announced after a moment. I blushed and nodded. This was the second time he was discovering this about me, and I was still just as embarrassed about it as I was the first time.

"Did I say anything interesting?" I asked, rising from the bed and stretching.

"You said my name a lot," he replied. I blushed harder this time. I should have known. Emily always told me that when she was watching over me I would say his name in my sleep.

"Did you stay?" I asked absently, trying to seem casual about the change in subject.

"I had to hunt a little while after you fell asleep, but other than that, yes, I stayed."

"That must have been boring," I commented, giving him a sympathetic look.

"On the contrary, between hearing your interesting interjections in your sleep and just…watching you, it was by far one of the least boring nights I have had in the past three years," he replied with a smile. I smiled back.

"You are in a good mood this morning," I observed. He nodded.

"Hunting last night and being around you for so many hours at a time has made being near you now infinitely easier," he responded lightly.

"So you don't want to kill me this morning?" I asked with a grin.

"I don't want to kill you as much as I did yesterday," he said with a half smile.

"Fair enough."

"Would you mind if I wanted to try something?" he asked. I shook my head. Edward crossed the room, walking around the bed to where I was standing in his old sleeping clothes. I stood still, not sure what was happening. He smiled at me softly.

"Calm down, Bella. I wont hurt you," he assured me.

"I'm calm," I lied.

"Your heart is pounding in your chest," he replied, shattering my lie. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. It only backfired. He was so close to me, and there was this smell about him, so sweet and almost toxic. It made me dizzy. I felt myself sway and quickly balanced myself. Edward took one of my hands in his and looked at, mine so tiny inside his. He dropped it then and took another step toward me so that we were hardly an inch apart. I gasped when he did and then held my breath. I wasn't scared, only frozen in anticipation.

He wrapped his arms around me slowly, ever as careful as he had assured me he needed to be. When he had done so he pulled me as close as he could without hurting me, pressing me to his chest. I exhaled slowly and tried to remember to breathe again. I had dreamed of him holding me night after night. I had thought about this moment, when he would pull me close and I could rest in his arms like I used to. But now that I had him I was unsure of what to do.

Edward must have sensed my inability to move because he started to pull away. But as soon as I felt that, my instincts kicked in. I threw my arms around him and held him tight. I felt him stiffen for a moment, but then he relaxed slowly, returning the embrace he had started.

"Try to be more careful with your sudden movements, Bella," Edward warned me, his lips very close to my ear. I nodded and logged that away for a later moment, but for that one, I was happy just to be back in Edward's arms, the only place I had ever truly felt at home in years. Eventually we both withdrew, but Edward's hands remained at my waist. He looked at me for a long time.

"I am glad that I have control enough to hold you like that," he told me, his voice low. I nodded in agreement, still not quite able to talk. I had just gotten the one thing I had wanted more than anything in three years. I had always thought that if he could only hold me again, if only for a moment, I would die happy. After what had happened the day before I was sure it would be weeks, if not months before we could go that far in the ways of physical contact. I was amazed and elated that he managed it today without any sort of blatant difficulty.

"Was that hard for you?" I asked as we walked downstairs.

"Only when you responded so suddenly. This is slow going for us both, Bella. I have to be cautious around you, of course, but it would make thing infinitely easier for me if you would be cautious with me as well."

"Of course," I said, willing to do whatever I could to make things easier for him. If it meant he could hold me, I would be as cautious as was necessary. I would hardly move the next time he hugged me if that was what it took to feel his arms around me again.

We descended the stairs then and our conversation ended as Emmett and Alice greeted us in the main room. The rest of his family was about somewhere.

"Good morning," Alice said with a cheery smile. I was hoping she had forgotten about taking me out to get new clothes, but she only smiled bigger when she saw I was in Edward's clothes. I looked down at my self and mentally swore. I couldn't believe I had forgotten to change into my clothes from the day before. I heard Emmett chuckle, but he didn't say a word. I looked up and glared at him, which of course only made him laugh more.

"Are you hungry, Bella?" Esme asked. I had not even seen her enter the room, but there she was, smiling and lovely as always. I nodded to her, trying to remember the last time I had eaten. It must have been breakfast the day before. I hadn't been hungry enough to eat anything. The range of emotions I had experienced drained me of anything like hunger.

"Why don't you go change into something else and I will have something for you to eat when you come down," Esme suggested. I nodded, still embarrassed and turned right back around, bounding up the stairs back into Edward's bedroom to change again. I shed Edward's clothes quickly and went to find my own. Right as I was starting to pull my clothes on there was a knock at the door. It hadn't properly latched and so it swung inward with the force of the light tap that had sounded upon it.

Edward was standing in the doorway with a set of clothes for me. I could only assume one of his sisters or his mother was letting me borrow something of theirs. But I wasn't too concerned with whose things I would be borrowing at that point. Edward stared at me unabashedly. He was always a gentleman, but he seemed unable to look away from me as I stood there, half naked.

I, for my part, couldn't move an inch. It was like being seen by a stranger. He didn't remember what I looked like this way, I was sure. He seemed too shocked to be looking at something he remembered.

"I'm sorry," he said slowly, his eyes still lingering on me. Eventually the moved to my face, meeting my eyes. I nodded slowly, not knowing what I could possibly say. I was still holding the top I was going to put on in my hands, and somewhere I knew I should just put it on and end this whole ridiculousness, but I couldn't. Edward took a tentative step toward me, and then another, so slowly it seemed like he was barely moving. When he was close enough he reached out to me, holding the clothes had brought me in his outstretched hands.

"Esme, said you could borrow these things," he said just as slowly as before. Again I nodded, taking the clothes in my hands after dropping my own top. We stood there for a long moment, neither of us moving or speaking or looking away from the other. I felt this huge magnetic pull against me, calling me to Edward like it always had when I was around him. I opened my mouth to say something, anything at all to break the awkwardness and then I heard another voice.

"Whoa! Bella, granted that's more of you than I ever wanted to see, but nice," Emmett said, his voice full of mirth. That prompted action. I shrieked and pulled the clothing Edward had just handed me up around me, shielding my half-nakedness. Edward whirled around and growled angrily.

"Hey there, Edward, calm down. I was just joking around. Don't worry," he said. Edward glared and growled again and Emmett just chuckled and walked away again. I could hear his footsteps down the stairs.

I could feel my cheeks burning when Edward turned back around. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Now I am really sorry," he told me. I nodded.

"Perhaps I should go so you can…change," he said. And then he turned and left me, closing the door securely behind him. I dressed quickly, putting on the clothes I had been handed and then made my way back downstairs. As promised, Esme had breakfast for me. She made me pancakes, which I ate greedily. Edward came into the kitchen while I was eating and gave me a shy look, like he was embarrassed to be seeing me now because of the way he had seen me before. I could hardly tell him it didn't matter because he had seen me naked before, seeing as he didn't remember it.

I finished eating and immediately Alice captured me to take me shopping. I cast a pleading look at Edward, but we both knew that if she was determined to take me, it was now or later. I resigned myself to get it over with and never have to do it again.

We were shopping for hours. I had so many things already I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I kept trying to deter her from piling more upon the load of things I was already holding, but each time she just shook her head and smiled at me. We were heading back toward the house when she finally brought up Edward, as I had expected her to all day.

"I apologize for this morning, I completely forgot to warn you about that incident," she said with a grin.

"Alice you knew?" I asked, horrified. She nodded and laughed a little.

"I meant to tell you in case you didn't want that kind of invasion of privacy. But when you think about it, it isn't as though he's never seen you naked before," she replied, laughing.

"Emmett had never seen me naked!" I shouted in return. She choked down he laughter and nodded.

"I didn't see that he would show up. If I had, I definitely would have told you about it. But don't worry; he's not going to be a jerk about it. Emmett is a good guy when it counts," Alice assured me. I rolled my eyes and nodded nonetheless.

"Besides, I'm sure Edward enjoyed it," Alice teased.

"Yes, I'm sure he thought seeing me half naked by accident was the most exhilarating moment of his life. I'm also sure that he loves the fact that I also flashed his brother. But honestly, Alice, I would much rather just forget it. It was embarrassing enough the first time," I told her as we walked. She nodded and remained silent for a long moment.

"Bella, I want to ask you something, but I need you to be honest with me, do you understand?" Alice asked. I nodded. Her tone and phrasing made me nervous but I said nothing.

"I know how you care for Edward. And I know that he will come to care for you just as much. But even if he does, your relationship will never be what it was before. And even though you might think that those things aren't important now, in a few years, you might change your mind. What will you do if he can't kiss you for another six months? He is going to be incredibly careful with you, sometimes overly cautious when he doesn't need to be because he is afraid he might hurt you.

"And eventually, of course, even though he might learn to be careful enough that he can touch and kiss you, eventually, Bella, you'll pass on, being human. All the time he would spend trying to learn to be what you need and he would lose you.

"I suppose this is my round about way of asking you if you would ever consider our way of life, Bella."

I looked at her, stunned. She had just asked me if I would ever want to be a vampire. I hadn't thought about it. I was so focused on Edward coming back, on trying to figure out where we stood with each other and how to make things work that I had hardly thought of the future for us.

"I have to admit, Alice, I haven't even thought about it," I told her. She shrugged.

"No time like the present," she replied.

So I did. We walked and I thought hard. If Edward and I got back to where we had been, back to loving each other the way we had before he had been changed, I would never want to let him go. It wouldn't be fair to be so close to someone, but not be able to have them all the way. And of course, the idea of loving Edward for the rest of forever was appealing. I already loved him fiercely with every fiber of my being. If he ever loved me that way back, I would consider it. I wanted to be with him, but only if he wanted me there. I wouldn't change myself to spend eternity with him only to find that he did not want me with him.

"If you changed me, hypothetically, it wouldn't have to be now, it could be in a few years, right?" I asked.

"Of course, Bella, it could be whenever would be best. Carlisle could change you. The first few year would be difficult to adjust to, but you would have Edward, and he would have you," she explained.

"What if I don't remember him?" I asked timidly.

"Bella, do you honestly think that you would forget? You spent three years without him and you never stopped loving him for a second, I don't think three days would erase him from your memory," she declared. I nodded and thought a little more. There was no reason not to be with him forever if he loved me as I loved him. I could hardly imagine that sort of happiness—knowing that I had the rest of forever to spend with him.

"Yes," I said. Alice looked at me, an eyebrow quirked.

"Yes, I would let Carlisle change me if things go well," I told her. She grinned. We continued to walk without any words. I looked over at her as we approached her house and her eyes had a strange far off look as her steps slowed. When her eyes refocused she sighed.

"This has nothing to do with how he feels about you, Bella," she assured me, not making any reference to what it was she was talking about. I didn't ask her what she was talking about as we got in the house. Edward saw us and grinned at me. He looked at Alice, and for a moment his expression was confused. And then he glared at her.

"Absolutely not!" he shouted angrily.

"It was a hypothetical question," she said defensively.

"We are not changing Bella, do you understand me Mary Alice?" he said. She glared right back. I didn't know how she had the courage to do so—he looked utterly terrifying.

"So you are going to what, watch her sleep from a distance, and go through every day trying not to kill her for the rest of her life, Edward? You're going to watch her age, as you do not, and eventually die without a fuss, is that it? You're going to remember having her in your hazy memories, but ignore the wants and needs you will have for her because it is unsafe? I wont argue that what you are doing now takes incredible strength, but there is no way you will be able to have her around for the rest of her life without some sort of accident. It doesn't make any sense for her to be human," she argued.

"And it makes more sense to put her through days of agony because I am selfish?" he asked back.

"It isn't selfish if she wants it too!"

"How can you possibly know what she wants, Alice? You just asked her _today_. What if she changes her mind?"

"What if she doesn't? What if she decides she doesn't wasn't to live a life where the man she loves is afraid to touch her because he might kill her? I am not saying we have to do it now, but if things work out between the two of you, which I can assure you they most certainly will, it doesn't make any sense for you to refuse her becoming a vampire and staying with you."

"You are right, Alice, it makes _no_ sense for me to argue against a plan that will have a woman who loves me bearing out three days of aguish, and then trying not to kill every person in sight for years because its her nature. What _am_ I thinking to be so _insane_ as to want to spare her that?"

"That's a very good question, perhaps you should work on answering it."

Edward glared at her again and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could, he simply quirked his head and then looked at me. I was staring at him, afraid to move or speak. His expression instantly softened.

"Bella," he sighed. He took a step in my direction and I saw Alice disappear out of the corner of my eye. She was not part of the coming conversation and she didn't want to be privy to it either. She was carrying off my things that she had gotten me as Edward crossed the room to where I was standing.

"It was rude of us to have that argument in front of you. We shouldn't be fighting like that, especially over something that is in the end your decision," he murmured. I nodded.

"But please, please think hard about this choice. If you make it, it is not something that can be undone."

"Edward, I am not going to do this tomorrow. We need time, you and I, to get to know each other again. If things go well, I might decide to be like you, but I am by no means making that choice right this very minute."

Edward sighed, his face looking relieved. I wasn't sure if it was because I wasn't making that choice, or because he thought that at least for the moment he had won the argument against my becoming a vampire.

"If you don't want me to do it, please just tell me now," I implored him. The relief on his face quickly shifted to shock.

"Bella, your choices are your own, I would not dream of making them for you. But I don't want you to do something so drastic because of me," he responded quietly.

"Drastic like leaving my home and my family and the only life I have known for three years to run away with a family of vampires because the love of my life, who does not particularly remember why we loved each other, came back for me after all that time?" I countered. I smiled at him, trying to make it obvious that I was joking with him, trying to lighten the mood of the moment.

"Yes, Bella, please do not do anything of the sort," he replied with a smile. He reached out slowly and brushed his fingers across my cheek tenderly, the icy cold burning a trail across my skin. I shuddered meekly and Edward's smile grew.

"Please, think about what I said, forever is a long time."

"How would you know, you're young still," I pointed out. He was young by human standards, by vampire standards I could not imagine.

"Yes, and already things are different. I will forever be eighteen in the eyes of everyone who sees me. I can pass for older if I wish, but I will be an eternal youth. But you…you are a woman, there is no doubting that. You look much the same as you did before, as far as my memories can tell me, but there is no question now that you are a woman and not just a pretty older girl."

"That's just another reason for me to become a vampire eventually you know, so if things to go well, you don't look like you are with your mother in an inappropriate way," I told him. He laughed lightly and grinned at me.

"One step at a time, my Bella, I think for now we should perhaps focus on where you and I stand and not where I may or may not stand with a woman who looks old enough to be my mother when the time comes, don't you?"

I nodded and Edward slipped his hand over mine, a small gesture to most, but significant to me. It was one of the few things he could manage safely. To me, the little contact was all I could ask from him, and I savored every last bit I received.

We didn't talk about the possibility of my change for the rest of the day. We sat around and talked to each other about other things, likes and dislikes, my past, what he could remember of his, our respective families, and several other things. The discussion lasted long into the night. Esme made me dinner and handed it to me with a smile while I was still talking to Edward. I had forgotten how much I just loved to talk to him. His speech was so eloquent and exact; it was like he was speaking a sonnet every time e opened his mouth. It startled me that even though he had so few of his memories, so much of him was the same. I was glad to know that the man I had fallen in love with had not disappeared when he was turned.

Eventually it grew late, and I became tired, at which point I went up to Edward's old bedroom and changed into the same sleeping clothes I had worn the night before. Of course Alice had made sure to buy me some while we were out, but I liked wearing something of Edward's. It was comforting in a way.

Again when I was done I opened the door to let him know I was done. He walked in half covering his eyes, making a joke of what had happened earlier that day and now definitely qualified as one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I went and lied down in Edward's bed and he followed, sitting with me the way he had the night before. We talked for a few more minutes about nothing of consequence, before I felt my eyelids get heavy. Edward smiled and told me to sleep.

He opened his mouth, I presumed to sing to me when his head cocked to the side, the way it always did when he was hearing some thought from someone around him.

"Alice says goodnight," he told me. I nodded and yawned.

"Bella?" he said quietly.

"Hmm?" I replied. He looked down at me, golden eyes like small shining suns. There was something at the edge of his lips. But in the end, he bit it back

"Sweet dreams, lovely Bella."

I stared at him for a long time, but said nothing.

That night, I had nightmares. I woke myself up screaming several times in the night at which point Edward would calm me down and tell me I was safe and alright. I never remembered what exactly was happening that was so terrifying, but it was enough to make me scream and cry in my sleep and cover my skin in a cold sweat. I felt sick every time I woke up, like something had happened that was so upsetting it made my whole body repulsed.

And even though I didn't remember what it was, it still worried me. I by no means claimed to have Alice's powers of foresight, but I hadn't had nightmares like that since the first six months after Edward was gone. I didn't like that they were occurring again now. I didn't know what that could mean, but coupled with the illness I was feeling the screaming and sheer terror they produced in me, I knew it could not be good.

I only prayed that this terror stayed in my dreams.

* * *

okay so not ALL of it is going to be melodrama, but a lot of it is, okay? hope you dont mind and I hope you liked this chapter! oh part two! 


	14. Patience Is A Virtue

I woke up for the last time when it was still dark outside. I was exhausted from having sleep that was not in the least bit restful and the constant terror and trauma of a nightmare I couldn't even remember. I had shot up to a sitting position, my mouth still open from a scream, shaking all over. I could hardly see for a moment, and then Edward came into focus along with the rest of the room in the dim light.

"Hush now, Bella, you're safe," Edward said softly as I panted, wiping fresh tears from my eyes. I didn't say anything just looked at him. He stared back at me and I didn't know what to say to him.

"What did you dream of?" he whispered as if he was afraid to wake up his family.

"I don't remember," I told him, frustrated that my dreams were so quickly forgotten even when the clearly terrorized me.

"You should go back to sleep," Edward told me. I shook my head.

"I cant. I don't want to have that dream again."

"You don't even know what it was," he reminded me.

"But I remember this," I said, motioning to myself, the cold sweat, the way my breathing was still hitched. He looked at me and then reached his pale fingers to my face, touching me slowly, cooling my hot skin. I closed my eyes as his hands passed over my face and neck, my shoulders slowly, holding them for a moment before releasing me. My skin was cooled but strangely on fire. My heart was shaking in my chest, mimicking the way my body was shaking. I sighed.

"I suppose now would be as good a time as any to tell you that we are leaving, most likely tonight to go back to the place we have been staying," Edward said, when I finally opened my eyes. He was staring out a window wistfully.

"So soon?" I asked, paying more attention to the sharp relief in which the light showed Edward's face than the words I was speaking. He nodded, still not looking at me, but I didn't mind. Getting to look at him and not feel like I was obligated to look away was a nice privilege. I remembered taking hours just staring at each other, memorizing the other's face. Now I could hardly look at him for more than a minute or so without feeling like I was being impolite.

"We have been staying a few hours run north of here," Edward explained, turning back to me. His eyes met mine and smiled a bit, letting me know he was aware I had been staring at him. I blushed horribly and buried my face in my hands. Edward's cold fingers pried mine apart, relinquishing my face from its hiding place.

"Please don't do that," he requested, his fingers not yet disentangled from mine. I swallowed hard. Edward smiled.

"Don't do what?" I asked.

"Hide."

There was a momentary pause then, like the whole word was on hold. For a second, things felt like they always had with Edward. His fingers were entwined with mine, his eyes staring at me, sitting close to me. The only difference now was that we were not sitting in a meadow. Edward stared down at my hands, fragile looking things in his. He held them like they were sacrosanct. He brought each one to his face, bringing it close to his eyes so he could inspect them carefully. He brought my wrist to his face as well, inhaling the scent there, I could only guess. He shuddered when he did, but with eyes closed he remained perfectly polite, never once seeming out of control.

"Your scent is stronger when you first wake up," he told me, finally opening his eyes and lowering both our hands, not yet letting me go.

"Is that a good or a bad thing? I asked. He smiled.

"It is a good thing. I like the way you smell," he explained. I laughed quietly.

"Yes, I am sure my morning breath is charming."

This time Edward laughed and shook his head.

"You do not have morning breath. You smell like flowers. It's very distinct and very sweet. You're lucky I adjusted quickly and learned to control myself. If I hadn't, our first meeting might have been disastrous."

"That sounds ominous," I joked. Edward shook his head.

"Its easy to joke about it because nothing bad happened. You have no idea how hard it was to resist."

"Is it getting any easier?"

"In some ways. Being around you almost constantly makes the impact of your scent each time I inhale not quite so potent. If I am already immersed in the smell of you, it's easier not to be taken by surprise by it. But you don't smell any less good just because I am inhaling the scent all the time. You still smell incredible, and I am still young. I think, however, I will be able to suffer your scent if you can be patient with me," he said.

"I can try," I said with a slight smile. Edward and I talked for a while in his room. It wasn't as though we could not have gone to find the rest of his family, but we made a silent agreement to wait.

I hadn't talked so much in years. I almost forgot what it was like to speak so much, but Edward was insistent that I tell him absolutely everything about me, without leaving out a single detail. I answered each and every one of his questions as he asked them, and he seemed completely fascinated by my answers. Of course I could not ask him the same endless stream of questions, but when it came down to it, I was sure I knew more about his past than he did. Unless Carlisle had filled him in on the details of his life before his change, I had more knowledge of his life than Edward himself.

I was surprised he never asked me about it. I thought he would want to know about his past and so I could only assume Carlisle had already told him about it. But when I asked him, I was surprised by his answer.

"I don't know much about my past, and to be honest, I don't want to know. The things I do know are enough to make me understand, I don't need the details. It isn't important," he told me.

"What do you know?" I asked him.

"My parents died when I was young, Carlisle took me in and they have been my family ever since. And of course, I met you," he said with a smile. I smiled too, biting my lip slightly. There was so much more I could tell him, but if he didn't want to know, it wasn't important.

"There is something I would like to know, Bella, but it is more about your past than mine," he murmured after a few moments. I nodded.

"Why do you love me?" he asked. I looked up at him, confused.

"I only ask because I don't remember you falling in love with me, obviously, and you held on to that so…forcefully. You still love me after all this time and even though it's presenting you with so many obstacles. I want to understand what I ever did to earn that kind of passion and loyalty."

"You rescued me," I replied. "I was headed for an arranged marriage and a life I didn't want, with no choices and nothing to live for. And then there you were, perfect as you are, like you were waiting for me. You gave me a place to go where I didn't have to pretend to be anything but me. You told me I would always just be Bella to you. And of course that was where it started. I needed an escape and you were my knight in shining armor, ready to give me just that. And then I fell in love with you. You were what I wanted. I snuck out of my house each and every night to see you, to spend time with you. And you came to see me without fail.

"You gave me love, Edward. You cared about who I was, you were so loving and funny and protective…I couldn't have asked for more. I was safe and loved with you. I never felt alone with you, I never felt trapped or scared. You made everything better. And then you died. I went through three years of denial, trying to convince myself that you would come back and when you did it would be like it was before. And even though it isn't…we loved each other, Edward, that kind of disgusting fairy tale love they tell people about. How could I not fight for that, hold on to that, be passionate and loyal to that?"

Edward stared at me. I realized that the words I had just said were quite intense, and might not be exactly what he wanted to hear. I hadn't been able to tell him how much I loved him or why thus far because I didn't know if he needed another reminder of the things he didn't remember. But when he had asked my answer had just come pouring from my mouth without any sort of filter.

"What if I can't give you that again?" he asked in a whisper. I only smiled gently. I reached my hand to his glorious face, it was truly a sin to touch it with mortal hands, but I could not resist.

"Once was more than enough, Edward. I can't ask for a miracle more than one time in my life," I replied. He frowned and took my hand from his face and looked at it again like he had earlier.

"You should not settle for anything less than what you deserve," he told me, lifting his eyes from my hand to my face.

"And what is that?"

"The exact kind of love you spoke of. Why should you settle for me if someone else could love you like that and I cant?"

"Who says you cant?"

"I physically _cant_, Bella, you know this."

"And I already told you that the physical portion of our relationship, while something I…enjoyed, isn't what made me love you, and wasn't what made me hold on to you through the years. I already told you what made you so special to me, and it certainly wasn't because we made love," I told him. His eyes widened that I was so blunt, but he nodded nonetheless.

"but I want you to be happy _now_, as well. I dont want your memories to be all you have," he said slowly.

His words hit me with such force. I wasn't prepared for them. It took a moment for me to wrap my mind aroud them. He wasn't going to love me back. He was telling me now that he didn't think he could love me again. He didn't want me to be unhappy because he couldn't love me. I felt my stomach contract and my lungs freeze with a gasp of air still inside them. I blinked rapidly, trying to rid my eyes of tears I already knew were coming. The man I loved, the man I had waited years for, the man I was ready to leave my entire life for—however mediocre that life may have been—had just informed me that my love would never be returned. He couldn't. Of course it made sense. He wasn't human anymore and I was. We were too different now. I had never really understood why Edward loved me back when we were on an even playing field, his being a vampire only made things more difficult, if not impossible.

I pulled my hands from his and rose from the bed, almost falling over when my feet hit the ground. I heard Edward's inquiring voice calling my name as I walked out of the room quickly. I didn't answer. I couldn't speak. I went to the bathroom and shut the door behind me, falling to my knees a moment after.

Edward knocked on the door and asked to come in. I didn't reply. I didn't know what I could do if I was looking at him in that moment. How do you beg someone you love to love you back? How do you convince them that even if they don't remember, they loved you once? I wouldn't be able to see his face without some pitiful display. I didn't want to seem pathetic, even though that was how I felt. I still loved him more than anything else on earth, but he couldn't love me. And of course I couldn't force him.

I had no shame when it came to Edward. I would gladly beg him for hours if I thought it would make any sort of difference. But he was obstinate, and always had been. Once his mind was made up he was unlikely to change it.

"Bella, let me explain," Edward said slowly from the other side of the door. He would not open it if I did not give him permission.

"Edward, I don't think―"

"Please," he begged. The urgency in his voice, the obvious desperation was the only thing that gave me pause. When I didn't argue any further he opened the door a crack, and then a little more. He slipped inside the tiny room with me and sat on his knees across from me without a word. With motions that were less cautious than most, he wiped the stray tears on my face away.

"I know what you think my words meant. But Bella, be reasonable, how could I ever refuse you?"

"But you don't―"

"You told me you could be patient with me, has that changed?"

"No, but―"

"Then you and I have nothing to worry about. What I was trying to tell you before was that I cannot promise you that I will love you the same way as before, neither can I put any sort of timeline on it. I cannot promise you I will love you tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after. I don't want you to be sitting here with your memories, with them being the only thing you have in the way of love. It's not fair to you to sit and remember while I am trying to begin again.

"I _have_ your love, Bella, for which I thank you a thousand times over. It's the sweetest thing a man could have, and I assure you I don't feel worthy of it. But you are gracious and give me your love even still. I don't want you to feel alone while I am finding a way to give you mine."

We stared at each other. The sun was just coming up and the dim light was reaching into the tiny room we were sitting in. I looked briefly out the window beside us, to where the sun was beginning to rise. There were no clouds in the sky today, as there were almost every other day. It was warm here, but mostly cloud covered.

"I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions," I muttered with chagrin.

"I'm sorry things have to be this way," he returned. I opened my mouth, to make some light of how ridiculous I was being when the sun finally rose far enough to shine through the window.

Edward's skin sparkled. The sun hit it and he absolutely _shone_. My breath stopped as I stared at him in absolute awe. He was a beautiful creature in any light, but when the sun touched his skin, it was like he was covered in diamond dust. His forehead creased in confusion for a moment, and then he looked down at himself and noticing the sparkle, laughed.

"Ah yes, I was wondering if I would ever get to show you this," he remarked slowly.

"May I…" I trailed off, unable to complete my question as I stared at him.

"Of course," Edward answered. He took my hand in his and placed it on his cheek, smiling as he did so. He didn't feel any different, his skin just as cool and smooth as it ever was. He simply sparkled like he was himself a jewel.

"How?" I asked. Edward shrugged; at least I assumed that was what he did. I could see a movement, but my eyes were glues securely to his face.

"Another wonderful vampire mystery I suppose," he drawled. As rude as it might have been, I continued to stare at him for a few minutes. I was fascinated with this new thing I had learned about him. Even though I knew him better than he likely knew himself, as far as the facts went, I was glad that he could still surprise me.

"Forgive me?" he asked after a while.

"For what?"

"For upsetting you."

"Oh Edward, I could never be angry with you. Even when I thought you were telling me you couldn't love me, I would still do anything for you," I assured him. He smiled sadly, as though this news both heartened and hurt him. I knew that feeling. To know someone cared so deeply for you that they would do anything they could for you, even put themselves in harms way, was a wonderful and terrifying feeling. How strange it was that now Edward's and my positions were switched.

"Promise me something," Edward requested.

"Anything."

"Always be the woman you are right now," he whispered.

"You want me to remain tired and tear streaked and sitting on a bathroom floor?" I joked.

"I want you to remain passionate and lovely and caring," he said seriously.

"That's a lot to ask," I said, trying to ignore the way his gaze was making me feel, the speeding up of my heart, the quickness of my breathing.

"For me?" he asked.

"Anything for you," I told him, unable to control the response. Edward smiled slowly. As he did the sun was hidden behind a cloud, ending the sparkle to his skin. Not that it made him any less godlike, really.

After that Edward helped me up off the floor. I changed into real clothes. I went down with him and ate the breakfast Esme prepared for me, which was as always far too much but delicious. We spent the day getting ready to leave. Alice had apparently taken the majority of my new things and brought them to their new home the night before while I was sleeping and waking from nightmares. The rest of them only filled a small bag, which I could easily carry with me as we ran.

That was the only thing I was afraid of. Edward had explained it to me years before. He had run with his family before, riding on one of their backs. It wasn't that I didn't trust them to bring me there safely; I didn't trust my own body not to panic and react in an unsavory manner. Edward assured me that I would be just fine and it would be over before I knew it. I tried to argue that it would be _hours_ before it was over. But he countered me with the fact that what was a few hours run for them, would take over a day to get to any other way. I sighed and accepted that I was not getting out of it.

Night eventually fell. Esme made me dinner, which I ate hurriedly, trying not to think of what I was about to do. When I was done Edward glanced at me with a smile.

"Bella, try not to look quite so pale and horrified. Just close your eyes and you wont even realize what is happening," he promised. But when the time came to leave, I felt my stomach drop.

"Come on now, Bella. You're riding with me," Emmett said. I glanced over at Edward with a questioning look.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I don't think I would be able to keep in control with you that close to me for such a long time. I wish I could, but it's too dangerous. And Emmett, I swear if you think about her naked _once_ during this whole trip I will slaughter you when we get to Tanya's," Edward growled.

Edward had explained to me during the day that they had been staying with another 'family' much like theirs, a coven of vampires that didn't feed on human blood. There were five of them there, four women and one male. Carlisle had met that coven years ago, and they had stayed in contact over the years, remaining like an extended family. Carlisle had brought Edward there during his change because of how secluded the house was from anything else. He had finished his change there and lived there ever since, adjusting to the lifestyle.

He had not said much else about the family that lived there, only that I would meet them soon and I shouldn't be afraid. I trusted him, and so I took his words at their value. There was nothing to be afraid of. They were other 'vegetarian' vampires, as Edward called them. If I was comfortable with his family, why would I not be comfortable with that one?

So I sighed and walked over to Emmett, who unceremoniously pulled me up on to his back and began running along with his family. I shut my eyes tight, just as Edward had suggested, and tightened my grip round Emmett to keep from falling off, not that I thought he would let me go. As strange as it was, running was a smooth ride. Emmett didn't jostle me too much, and so improbable as it seemed, I fell asleep on the way there. The rhythm of running was soothing and I was just so tired. I had a last minute thought about how I hoped I wouldn't fall over while sleeping, but other than that I could not muster any thoughts to keep me awake.

When I awoke I was no longer being held up by Emmett, my arms in a strangle hold around his neck. I was lying on a bed of some sort, my limbs tangled within themselves. I woke with a groan, trying to untangle myself, which only resulted with me falling on the floor beside the bed. I heard someone trying not to laugh.

"Shut up, Edward," I growled. I heard him laugh harder. Then he picked me up from the floor, setting me on my feet, as I had not been able to do on my own. I brushed myself off and looked up at Edward with a glare. He smirked at me and I sighed. I couldn't be angry with him, even if he had been laughing at me. That smile was just too charming.

He cocked his head to the side and then rolled his eyes.

"They want to meet you," he told me. I sighed but gestured for him to lead the way. He took my hand and led me down a long hallway. There were paintings and tapestries on the walls, all ornate and beautiful. I glanced at them quickly as we walked together.

When we arrived to a large open room I was astonished at its contents. There were walls and walls of books, all shapes and sizes. There was a large piano on the left side of the giant library, gleaming there upon the marble floors. It was an unbelievably beautiful room. I could only imagine that it was indicative of the rest of the house.

But before I had much time to inspect the room, figures, foreign but with features I was all too familiar with, stepped toward me. The first was a dark haired beauty, her midnight hair tied back in a single braid. She was gorgeous. It took my breath away just looking at her. Following in short step behind were two other women, one of them a beautiful woman with perfect flaxen hair hanging down her back, the other with auburn hair pinned up away from her face. They were beautiful.

"So this is the little siren that has been calling to our Edward," the blond woman mused. I smiled halfheartedly, but said nothing.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Bella," the black haired woman said with a smile. "My name is Tanya. These are my sisters, Kate," she gestured toward the blond, "and Irina," she finished, gesturing to the other woman.

"Its nice to meet you," I said pleasantly, trying to keep the shake from my voice. It was easy to be intimidated by Rosalie—her beauty was astounding. But these three women together was like gathering creatures created for the sole purpose of being beautiful.

"Where are Carmen and Eleazar?" Edward asked to no one in particular.

"They needed to hunt before they met Bella, you understand," Irina said with a quick, apologetic smile to me. I nodded.

"So tell us, Bella, we've all been awfully curious, was Edward a good lover?" Kate asked. Edward growled, narrowing his eyes at her. I felt myself blush crimson.

"Well we have," Kate defended, "seeing as none of _us_ could manage to seduce you, I thought I would ask the only woman who ever has."

I blanched. These women, these _goddesses_ had tried to seduce Edward? And he had turned them away? It made me feel pale in comparison at the thought, but also angry. I couldn't lay claim to Edward the way I used to, but I still felt a sense of possession over him. He was mine, he had been for over three years, and as far as I was concerned, he always would be.

"Don't worry, little one," Tanya said, shooting a glance past me, to Edward, "Edward is never anything but a perfect gentleman. You have nothing to be worried about."

I too glanced at Edward, who looked increasingly uncomfortable.

"You never told me there were hoards of women competing for your affections," I said to him. He looked down at me.

"Not hoards, just three. Not that it really mattered anyway, by the time I was sane enough to even think about things like that I was becoming more obsessed with the idea of you everyday."

"Obsessed?"

"He didn't tell you? The poor boy could hardly think straight when he wasn't thinking about you. You could tell when he was going through his memories of you because of that strange look he got on his face. After Carlisle told him who you really were he was damn determined to find you again, even though it was months before he could go," Irina explained. I quirked my eyebrow at Edward, who rolled his eyes and said nothing, confirming Irina's story.

"Like I said, nothing to worry about," Tanya reminded me. I looked again at Edward, who was not looking at me, and admired him once more for the perfect man he was. Even when he didn't know who I was, he was still too focused on finding out than on three women that could give him things I couldn't. It was typical Edward to be so focused on one thing that he couldn't concentrate on anything else, it made me smile to know I was the thing he could not be distracted from.

"Oh! I nearly forgot, we have something for you," Kate exclaimed. The other two sisters smiled in remembrance and before I knew what was happening, Tanya, Irina and Kate we sweeping me away to some unknown local. Of course if it was dangerous in any way, Edward would have known about it and saved me. As it was he was grinning just as the sisters were.

I looked over my shoulder at him as I was taken away, his hands in his pockets, watching me go. He smiled as I disappeared through the doors. While we walked, the sisters were chatting idly.

"Really, though, Bella, I am curious," Kate said as we walked. She smiled at me and I blushed again.

"What do you think?" I asked, looking at her.

"Spectacular?" she asked. I smiled wide. The sisters cackled wildly and I shook my head. Edward would likely scold me for telling them that later, but for the moment, I didn't mind.

I was too happy to be worried. The nightmares that had plagued me the night before, the disastrous misunderstandings we had this morning—none of it seemed to matter. I felt like I was right where I belonged, even if that was with three insanely gorgeous vampire women who were curious as to how Edward was as a lover. I had come to the conclusion that I was better off just running with what I was given than trying to stop and understand it all. There would be time for that later. It was best if I accepted reality than if I tried to change things. If that meant that my reality was for the moment the man I loved needed time to love me back, he could have all the time he wanted. I could wait for him. If that meant that I lived with a strange sense of happiness and foreboding in my stomach, I would do that as well.

I assured myself that things would work out right in the end, even if it took a long time and there were hard things to deal with along the way.

That was perhaps because I did not know what lay ahead of us.

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I love being ominous. hope you guys are enjoying part two so far, and I hope you liked this chapter. oh and thanks for the reviews you guys! I love hearing what you think about the chapters! its an authors best motivation. you guys are pretty fantastic! thanks again, hope to get somthing out soon, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday 


	15. Jewels

**hi guys! here is the next chapter for you! by the way, if you didnt see it already, I wrote a scene from chapter nine in Edwards pov, the scene where Edward and Bella are finally reunited after three years being apart. I just wanted to know his side of it. Its called _Forget Me Not_, if you want to check it out. anyways, enjoy the next chapter.**

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"Its too much," I protested. 

"Nonsense!" Kate exclaimed.

"I could never accept something like this," I continued.

"It looks beautiful on you," Irina said slowly, charm in her voice. I looked again in the mirror they were holding out for me. It did look gorgeous, but that wasn't because of me. It looked gorgeous all by itself.

Around my neck on a sterling chain hung a jewel, a rather large sapphire. It glittered in the smallest bit of light and looked stunning as it hung against my skin. They told me it was a welcome present, but it also seemed like a congratulatory gift. I achieved what they had not, in all their goddess-like glory. They were impressed with me; at least that was what they told me.

"Honestly, Bella, consider it a gift between family," Tanya said, smiling gently at me.

"But―"

"No, I simply wont hear it. You don't even have to wear it if you don't want to, but we refuse to take it back," Irina said, closing the matter firmly. But there was still a smile in her eyes. But of course, if they wouldn't take it back, I couldn't simply let it sit in some drawer. I sighed, knowing I would feel guilty about not wearing it, and knowing that I hated gifts, especially expensive ones, but that I had no choice but to keep it. So I thanked them graciously.

"An early birthday gift," Kate suggested as we meandered back slowly to the library we had left Edward in.

"Late is more like it. My birthday was a week ago," I explained.

"Well happy birthday then," Tanya said kindly. I smiled and thanked her. We continued to walk in silence back to Edward. And then I heard the most beautiful music coming from the library. We continued to walk slowly, Irina's and Kate's arms linked through mine, but I wanted to quicken the pace, find out who was playing the music in the library. It must have been on the large, magnificent piano I saw before I was abruptly stolen away. Tanya opened the door for Kate, Irina and I and we walked through it together.

I saw Edward's ruffled bronze hair I was so familiar with sitting at the piano bench, his face hidden from view. But I could hear the music his nimble fingers were playing and it was glorious. I listened as the noted lifted and sang so beautifully, almost to match the one playing them.

When the song ended Edward turned to us and grinned. He glanced at the necklace I wore for a moment with confusion, but the look on his face said he would ask about it later. At the moment however, he simply crossed the room to me. Irina and Kate released me, and Edward, surprisingly, took me in his arms. I wasn't ready for him to be so affectionate, and the shock must have been evident on my face as it was in my actions. I delayed in holding him back as he wrapped himself around me. This was the second time in the span of a few days I had felt him so close to me, and I was determined—as soon as I realized what was happening—to make the most of it.

I grasped him tightly, making my motions slow and careful as not to startle him. I felt him smile with his cheek pressed against the top of my head. I knew I could hold him as tightly as I wanted and never have to worry about hurting him. So I did just that. I pulled him close and just held tightly until eventually he let me go. His arm however, remained round my waist, keeping me close, if not in compete contact with him. I was ecstatic. We hadn't touched this much in three years. I hadn't felt so jovial since the night he was taken from me before everything had gone to hell.

I hadn't realized how whole I felt when we were like this, just with the other, his arm around me so casually. My face hurt from the smile I couldn't lose. We stayed in that gigantic room for a while. The missing parties of Edward's extended family eventually arrived as well. Carmen was stunning, thick black curls of hair cascaded to her waist and Eleazar was just as wonderfully, vampirically beautiful as the rest of them. He greeted me a coolly, with a little more distance then the others. Carmen, as the other women, seemed ecstatic to meet me.

But it was really Edward's reactions to things I was paying attention to. He thought I was blissfully unaware of his silent conversations, the things that passed between he and other people because of his abilities. But his face changed in the lightest way when he was hearing a thought, particularly when someone was directing a thought to him. I had become so attuned to Edward's features and expressions years ago that now I had come to realize the different ones with ease, the ones that belonged to his vampire self and not his human self. The hardened, almost angry expression when my scent caught him off guard, the far off look his eyes got when he was trying to remember something from his hazy memory, the distracted face he put on when he was paying attention to someone's thoughts. He wasn't as hard to read as he made himself out to be, at least not for me.

So when he looked over at Eleazar with that distracted expression and then smiled I asked him about it.

"You noticed?" he asked, slightly surprised.

"Don't seem so shocked, Edward. I happen to know you very well, if you remember," I said with a smile. He pulled me a little closer just then, a slight squeeze around my waist. My heart fluttered in my chest. I knew they all heard it but I couldn't care a less.

"So what was so amusing?" I asked.

"They like you," Edward replied.

"And you find that amusing?"

"Not particularly, no, but the way in which they choose to express the fact that they like you is amusing," he replied. I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"'She is certainly the least obnoxious human I have ever met'", Edward quoted, glancing at Eleazar.

"Well thank you," I said with a little laugh. I had been afraid when Edward told me about this family that it would be awkward here, that they would think our situation strange. After all, they hadn't known me when Edward was human and hadn't been around Edward and while we were in love years ago. It most likely seemed strange to them that a vampire would be so fascinated with a little human girl like me. But they seemed to take it in stride. If they found the situation odd in any way they never said a thing.

Eventually the rest of the family showed up, Edward's parents and siblings, and there was a happy greeting between both sides. There weren't many vampires that practiced the vegetarian way of life and so I could understand how important it was to find others with a similar view.

I was glad we could be comfortable here. Edward and his family already were, obviously, after living here for three years. But being the outcast—the newcomer and the only human in the bunch—I was glad that I didn't have any problems fitting into the dynamic of the house.

"Perhaps you would like to see your new bedroom, Bella?" Edward asked after a while. I nodded and without releasing me, we walked out the same double doors we had entered through and down a long hall. Edward paused at a door and then opened it slowly, showing me _my_ room. The floors were gleaming hardwood, polished and shining in the light. The walls were a lazy, buttery yellow. The large bed on the far wall was covered in blue blankets and throw pillows. There were large oak wardrobes in which Edward informed me Alice had already put away all my clothes.

"Its wonderful," I said, glancing about at the paintings on the walls, the luxury that abounded.

"So they gave you the sapphire?" he asked with a smile. I looked down at the jewel hanging around my neck.

"They said it was a welcome gift," I explained. He smiled wider.

"A welcoming present? Oh my, I'm sure they didn't explain _that_ little sentiment, did they?" he asked.

"Why would they need to explain? I've just arrived to their home for a stay of indeterminate length, usually you welcome someone under those conditions."

"Of course you do, Bella, but they aren't welcoming you to their home with that little present. Its their way of welcoming you into their sisterhood," he told me. I was still confused. He laughed at my expression but suggested we sit down.

"Have you heard the myths of the succubus?" he asked. I nodded. I had heard the myths of the unearthly beauties that killed men by luring them in and stealing their life force. I looked at him and waited for him to continue. And then the explanation I had played over in my mind repeated. And then I realized the point he was trying to make.

"The sisters are…succubi?" I gasped. Edward laughed again and shook his head.

"Tanya, Irina and Kate are the inspiration for the myth. That was how they killed—luring men to them with their beauty and making love to them. They would of course kill them man, but it was a sweet way to go, as far as they were concerned. After a while they developed sympathy for the men and guilt for the deaths. That is why they don't kill people anymore; they grew too attached to the human race. However, giving up human blood does not mean they gave up their passion or appetites for men," he said with a grim smirk. Why he found it necessary to remind me that any and all of the three goddesses in the library would gladly seduce him if at all possible was beyond me.

"Are you _trying_ to make me jealous, Edward?"

"Well that all depends, is it working?" he asked back.

"A bit," I admitted.

"Well then yes, I am trying to make you jealous, and it seems I am successful," he said playfully. The grin on his face was full of childish, innocent mirth. I glared at him mockingly but smiled a moment later.

"So what exactly is the significance of the necklace exactly?" I asked.

"They each have one, a perfect sapphire, like a private symbol of who they are. It seems they have decided you are worthy to wear one as well," he explained with that everlasting grin plastered to his face. He found it amusing that they thought I was worthy to be a succubus.

"I don't think I want to be a succubus," I told him. Edward laughed, the sound echoing off the walls of my bedroom.

"Ah my dear, I think it is far too late for that," Edward teased.

"Why is that?" I asked, horrified.

"You already made two men love you, and now you are weaving your magic on the heart of a monster. Your fate has been sealed. You will be doomed with hoards of admirers and men and creatures of myth loving you until the end of time."

"Oh the horrors!" I exclaimed with a smile, feigning terror.

"Of course you'll have to deal with _my_ jealousy. I don't think I will like it if masses of men are vying for your attention," Edward informed me.

"Well I guess you are lucky I only want one," I replied.

"The only trouble now is finding which one."

"I already know."

"Oh? And what lucky man have you chosen?"

I sighed dramatically.

"Eleazar. Something about the way he thinks I am the least obnoxious human he has ever met just makes me swoon," I drawled.

"Oh Bella, I'm hurt," Edward admitted, placing his hand over his heart, a pain filled expression filling his face. But the smile in his eyes gave him away.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" I asked. Edward smiled wickedly. He took my hand, which had been resting by my side and cautiously brought it to his lips. He laid one single gossamer kiss upon the back of my hand, and then another on my palm. The shock waves that ran through my body when his lips connected with my skin were earth shattering. I felt like I had just been struck my lightening. My whole body awakened, desperate to feel that glorious shock again.

"All is forgiven," Edward declared.

"I changed my mind," I told him, my voice hardly more than a whisper.

"About?"

"Eleazar. I don't think I want him anymore," I confessed.

"Quite fickle, aren't you? Well then, do tell, who have you decided to prey upon next?"

"You."

Edward's eyes sparkled with mischief, that glorious topaz making my head spin.

"Are you going to kill me, Bella?" he asked, fake shock and horror on his face, thinly covering the smile.

"Not possible so far as you've explained. But I guess I'll have to try, it being my job description and all," I said lackadaisically.

"Yes of course. Well you have eternity to try," he reminded me. I nodded.

"I have to make you fall in love with me first," I informed him. His playful expression faded into something softer and sweeter.

"Somehow I doubt you will have much trouble with that," he admitted. I felt my lips part in shocked silence. We stared at each other. I didn't know how to respond to that and he had already said his part. He had just confessed to me that he was beginning to have feelings for me. I couldn't be more ecstatic, but for some reason my body just wouldn't work. For a long moment there was nothing, no movement, no speech, I didn't even blink.

"Well good," I said eventually, trying to break myself from the paralysis his admission had brought on; "because I have a feeling Carmen might be a little sore if I stole Eleazar from her."

Edward looked at me for another moment and then laughed again, the lighthearted mirth back in his eyes.

"I think you are right about that," he replied. Our blithe teasing continued until someone interrupted. Emmett and Rosalie had come to see where we were.

"I heard you laughing, Edward. I thought maybe Bella fell," Emmett said with a grin. I rolled my eyes and Edward chuckled to himself.

"Bella was being funny," Edward informed his brother. Emmett nodded.

"I think I would like to see that, Bella being funny on purpose as opposed to when she does something ridiculous and I am amused," he commented.

"Hey! I don't do stupid things _all_ the time," I defended. All three of them looked at me, and even Rosalie who I knew was not my biggest fan, laughed at that.

"Silly Bella," Edward said, taking my hand and kissing my palm again. I must have made some sort of indication of my shock that time, because Emmett laughed at that as well. Edward said nothing, only smiled at me with a knowing look in his eyes.

It had grown late in the time Edward and I were talking. My stomach rumbled uneasily and so Edward suggested we find Esme so she could make me something to eat. I felt guilty, needing to be cared for so, but Edward insisted that Esme loved to cook for me and mother me. So I did not argue. And of course Esme was delighted to cook me some dinner, which was delicious and filling. I got drowsy after eating so much rich food. Ed ward brought me upstairs and we went through the ritual we had for the past few nights. He let me change and then when I was done he would sit with me until I fell asleep. I didn't know if he went anywhere while I was sleeping, but he was always there when I got up.

The nightmares didn't come that night. I didn't remember a single dream, nor did I wake up once until the morning light was filtering in through the window, dancing lazily on the wall. I turned over, and found I was alone. While of course I had been expecting Edward, I didn't mind that I woke up on my own for once. I stretched and then fell back onto my bed, burying my face beneath the blankets. I remained in the warmth of my sheets until someone knocked at my door.

"I know you are awake, Bella," Edward's voice teased from the other side of the closed door.

"I'm indecent!" I called from the bed. I heard the door open and then close again. I poked my head out from under the covers and sat up.

"I tell you I am not dressed and you come in anyway?" I asked with a cheeky grin. He shook his head.

"You didn't say you weren't dressed, you said you were indecent, which I already knew. I thought you were merely stating a fact," Edward replied. I pretended to be insulted and turned my nose up at him. He laughed at my histrionics.

"I am thoroughly offended, Edward," I told him. "I might skip making you fall in love with me and go right to finding a way to kill you."

"Oh heavens no, the terrifying Bella is going to murder me!" Edward shouted, his face contorted in mock fear.

"Rawr," I growled halfheartedly.

"Come now, my terrifying Bella, get some clothes on. Your fellow succubi want to bring you somewhere," he said ominously. I sighed but ushered him out so I could put on some clothes. They were all inside the wardrobes as Edward told me they would be, and I was dressed in a few minutes. He took me downstairs to where the sisters were waiting. They gave me a sly grin when they saw me—I had decided to wear the sapphire that day. They all wore theirs as well. Before I could speak a single word Kate came forward and pulled me away from Edward toward the front door.

"Wait, hold on, Edward you aren't coming?" I asked. He shook his head and Irina laughed quietly.

"This is not a trip for Edward," she explained without giving anything away. I looked back at Edward, but he put up his hands in defeat. If they were going to bring me somewhere he would not be able to stop them.

When we got outside the sisters looked at each other.

"We are going to need to run, Bella. I think you should ride with me," Kate said kindly before picking me up. I jammed my eyes shut quickly and held on tight as she began to run. We were in motion for about fifteen minutes. When Kate stopped moving she lowered me slowly to the ground, my feet touching it. I blessed solid, unmoving ground and then looked at the sisters. They grinned once more and then ushered me on. We walked for another few minutes until we came upon a town. It was bustling, full of motion and people.

"Please do not tell me we are shopping," I said, standing utterly still.

"Fine, I will not tell you we are shopping," Tanya said with a wide grin.

"I just got new clothes!" I protested as Kate and Irina linked their arms through mine as they had the night before. As they walked I was forced to do the same, unable to stay still.

"We aren't buying you clothes, per say," Irina told me with a grin. I did not want to know what they meant. So I remained silent as we walked. We were all silent, though as with Edward, their silence seemed more intense than mine. Finally we made our way to a dress shop. There was a woman behind the counter who smiled when we entered.

"Good morning ladies," she said pleasantly.

"Good morning, Catherine," Tanya said pleasantly.

"How can I help my best customers this morning?" Catherine asked.

"We need to see the back room," Kate said, an edge of excitement in her voice.

"Of course, you know the way, don't you?" Catherine asked with a wink. The sisters smiled back and nodded, leading me in the direction of a door of to the left of the counter. Behind the door was a short hall, and then another door. When it opened I gaped unabashedly.

"We thought perhaps you could use a few of these, I am sure Alice did not buy any for you," Kate said with a laugh. I stared at her, and then back at the room ahead of me. There were rows upon rows of hangers, and upon each was a different color, style and cut of lingerie. Edward hadn't been kidding about their passion for seduction.

"Really, thank you so much for the offer, but I don't think I will be needing this any time soon," I said.

"A woman always needs something like this," Tanya stated. Irina let me go and began browsing through the racks of things, picking up gowns and silken things, holding them to me and either putting them back or keeping them in her hands. I watched as things began to pile up in both hers and Kate's hands as Tanya simply smiled at me.

"Really, I appreciate the thought, but I have no use for these things," I said, motioning to the silken items.

"You are such a modest woman, Bella. We know that you and Edward are not making love; it would be disastrous for him to even think of it. But all women like to have a few very nice things for an occasion that may call for it. Who knows where you will be in a year, or perhaps more to the point, _what_ you will be in a year. By then you may have use for the things you seem so adamant not to have," Irina told me. I blushed furiously but said nothing as she held another pale blue garment up against me. She smiled slyly and added it to the things she has holding on to.

It seemed like eternity before we finally made our way out of the back room. Irina and Kate had gathered a dozen things for me and purchased them before I could protest. They were placed in a plain brown paper bag and bound with a bit of string to keep it from opening. Catherine smiled at us all as we said our goodbyes and then we went on our way back home.

I rode with Kate again, holding onto her with the same fervor as I had on the way into town. But this time we stopped a little before the house. Kate set me down again and we walked together.

"Bella dear, indulge me one more question, will you please?" Irina asked. I nodded silently.

"How is it that you wait for him?" she asked. I was going to inquire exactly what she meant, but I realized after a moment I didn't need to. She wanted to know how I sat and waited for Edward, my lovely, sacred, angelic Edward to return my affections, assuming he ever would.

"Have you ever been in love, Irina?" I asked.

"I have loved many men," she replied.

"That is not what I meant."

"Then what is?"

"Have you ever loved a man to the point that if you could not be near him, your whole body ached? Loved him with such fervor that every time he spoke you got a shiver? Cared for him so deeply that seeing his face was like basking in sunshine? I love him inside and out. I found each and every flaw and love him more for it. I watch him every day and when he laughs I love him more, when he smiles, speaks, moves in that determinedly cautious way. I loved him so at the beginning, and I wanted for him for three years. I could not have let him go if I wanted to, and I assure you, the thought never once crossed my mind.

"How can I wait for him? Sometimes I ask myself the same thing. How could I sit here and _know_ that he loved me, know what we had and what I still feel for him but see that he doesn't return my affections? But I always arrive at the very same answer. I have to believe that he will. Just as I had to believe for years that he would come back to me, I have to believe now that the love we had will be rekindled in him."

"And if it isn't?" Tanya asked. I looked at her.

"I _have_ to believe it will," I repeated. Edward was my life. He had been since the very first moment I laid my eyes upon him. I had no choice but to surrender when loving him was an option. I would have been happy to do nothing more for the rest of my life. But circumstances had prevented it. Now it was a fight each and every day just to be close to him, to remain safely with him as I wanted to be, and as he assured me he wanted me to be as well.

"Very touching," Irina told me. I thought for a moment she was jesting, that she was making fun of the little speech I had just made, but when I looked up at her eyes shone with sincerity. Before I could speak another word the house came into view. I remained silent.

Kate handed me the small package we had gotten from the shop with a wink as we entered the house. Edward was there immediately. He grinned at me pleasantly.

"What is that?" he asked, gesturing to the parcel in my hands. My expression must have tipped him off that I was not going to speak of it in the mixed company of the sisters and he, along with whoever was nearby and likely listening. So he simply smiled again and held his hand out for me to take. We went up to my bedroom, where I flopped back onto my bed and let the package fall by me.

"What do you have?" he asked, reaching for the parcel. I immediately reached for it. He simply could not see what was inside. I didn't want him to misunderstand anything. But of course as soon as he saw I was trying to get to it, he used his vampire speed to get it before me.

"It was all their idea!" I shouted as he undid the string binding the paper closed. A dozen silken garments came tumbling out. I felt my face light up with a hot crimson light. Edward paused for a long moment. And then he slowly, cautiously, let his hand fall to the mass of clothing to examine what they were. He picked up Irina's personal favorite, a silk 'gown' the color of the sapphire around my neck. She was convinced I would look stunning in it. Although stunning was not the word she used.

Edward's eyes flicked from the garment in his hand to me, and back and forth for a few more seconds. And then he laughed.

"What exactly so funny?" I asked in a huff.

"You are turning into quite the little temptress, my Bella," Edward commented, dropping the first article of clothing and retrieving a second, this one more revealing and risqué than the first. His eyebrows rose when he saw it, but he said nothing. He looked through most of them, shaking his head as he did.

"It was horrible! I _tried_ to tell them that I didn't want or need them, but they simply would not listen!" I told him, defending myself even though he had not made a single comment one way or another about them. Edward's eyes met mine for the first time in several minutes, and when they did they were so purely hungry I felt my breath catch.

"Such a modest temptress," he said, although I wasn't sure if it was meant for me or simply himself. I was afraid to move or breathe. Not because I thought he would do something bad, but because no one had looked at me that way in years, and before that it was only ever Edward that had that _need_ in his eyes for me.

"Should I reprimand them?" he asked, keeping his distance and stillness. I shook my head. I swallowed hard as he took a step toward me. He took another, and then one more, bringing him to edge of my bed. My breath was so erratic at the point that every unpredictable gasp that went through me shook my whole body. I was sitting then and Edward came to sit as well, coming to my height so our faces were level. He was staring at me so intensely with those eyes—burning, melting topaz that made me feel weak—that I could feel myself shaking.

Edward shook his head and whispered something I was unable to here, all the while drawing closer to me.

"What?" I managed to gasp out.

"I shouldn't," he whispered in return. "We cant. It's too dangerous, far too dangerous. I shouldn't be here with you now. I shouldn't be this close. I should be able to leave but God I just _cant_…"

His face was less than an inch from mine. I realized what he was saying somewhere in my rational mind. There was a corner of me that knew that it was dangerous, that somehow his passions had overpowered his sense. But there was a greater, more forceful part of me that was screaming for this. I had waited years to kiss him again, years to feel his lips on mine. I knew it would be a different experience. I knew that this kiss would be a different first kiss from the one we had shared in the meadow, however impassioned that may have been.

"We cant," he whispered. But he didn't pull away. It was again a moment where the role I played and that which Edward now held were different. I had been the one protesting that first kiss with barely believable objections. But now Edward was telling me how wrong it would be for our lips to touch, to lose myself in him.

I was too afraid to kiss him first. I could not be the one to close that gap, for several reasons. If it was too much for him I did not want to be the one to push him over the edge and make him do something he would regret. And I could not risk that he would decide against it. If I went to kiss him and he pulled away in a moment of clarity I would be crushed and embarrassed. Even still I swayed a bit closer to him, letting him know I was here and would not leave if he wanted me.

And oh how he wanted me. I could see that in his eyes, the way his mouth twitched slightly, his body language. I could read him more easily when he had no walls up, and at that moment he had no defenses. And of course I wanted him as well. I wanted him like I hadn't wanted anything in years, like I hadn't wanted a single thing but him in all my life.

"Kiss me please," I implored, aware of how errant it would be to allow such an act to come to fruition. But I didn't care.

"Bella," Edward began, his voice a hoarse whisper.

"_Please_."

He bit his lips and sighed. I knew that wordless expression. He was going to give in.

I closed my eyes and waited for the gift of his acquiescence.

* * *

**okay, so I know that this chapter was mostly ridiculous fluff, but I felt like writing something on the lighter side of things, you know? I hope you enjoyed it all, it was a blast to write.**


	16. Roses

His lips hesitated a fraction of an inch from mine. He exhaled a shuddering breath. I inhaled involuntarily and my mind blanked out, hazing over. My body quaked in sweet, aching anticipation. I breathed out, and Edward breathed in. I _felt_ him shake just like I was, my eyes still closed. Another moment went by and we didn't touch, didn't move except to breathe and be further intoxicated. I was losing control. I could tell Edward was as well. That made it dangerous for us to be so close.

I didn't care.

"Be still," he whispered slowly. His voice sounded rough and taut. I could practically feel his strain as I heard his voice. I made a mental promise to myself that I would do as he asked and be still for him.

"I need to see your eyes," he whispered. I could feel his lips move when he made the request. He was so close. I opened my eyes slowly and was instantly met with his golden eyes close to mine. I gasped slightly. I was in sensory overload. I could feel his face and body close, smell his sweet breath, practically taste him he was so close and now I was seeing his unearthly beauty. I couldn't think anymore.

And then he kissed me.

I had thought our first kiss was impassioned and moving. We had needed the other then in a way I hadn't known you could need another person and that release of love and want had been miraculous.

It was nothing compared to this kiss.

When his lips touched mine my eyes widened but did not close. I fought every muscle in my body to keep from touching him, reaching to him and wrapping myself up in his frame. And while I struggled to keep from doing what was sure to be suicide, Edward was kissing me. I had never felt such rapture in my life. He was slow and careful, as with everything he did. But every point of contact was electrifying. I kept inhaling as our lips parted the tiniest bit, forgetting to ever exhale until I could no longer breathe. One of his hands was bracing himself on the bed beside us, but the other was slightly gripping my shoulder.

But what affected me the most was watching his eyes. His had done what mine did when we first kissed, grown wide with a sort of wonder before settling into a look of complete euphoria. Every once in a while they would widen again, as though he was awed all over again that we were kissing. When he finally pulled away, with more reluctance than I had ever seen, he leaned forward and put his forehead to mine, panting heavily, his eyes closed.

"Is that what it was always like?" he asked me, his voice barely a whisper. I shook my head. He opened his eyes and smiled.

"So that was new for you as well."

"Very," I admitted. Edward grinned. Both of his hands came to the sides of my face, holding it securely between them. I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed, relishing his touch and remembering.

"May I?" he asked, brushing his thumbs over my bottom lip. He was asking for permission to kiss me again.

"Always," I answered. He smiled before kissing me again, this time more briefly than before. I was sure this was testing his resolve. It was surely breaking mine. I had promised myself that I would be still, that I would make this easier for him. But every time his lips were in contact with mine I felt like I was going to explode. I longed to have my hands in his hair the way I used to, or at least fell him as close I used to. But I knew I couldn't. I was surprised—pleasantly of course—that he was managing this much without feeling like he was going to end my life. He was showing a lot more control than I thought he would be able to, seeing as just a few days before he had told me that even just having me too close was hard for him to handle.

"Can I ask you something?" I inquired softly, fighting to remember how to make words. He had been able to make my thoughts go hazy as a human, now as a vampire he was making it completely impossible to have any thoughts whatsoever. After the second kiss he seemed content to simply sit with me, his hands enclosed over mine, his thumbs rubbing circles on my palms. His eyes drifted lazily between our entwined hands and my face, lingering here and there in between. I wasn't convinced the hunger I had seen in his eyes was completely satisfied, but for the moment, it would have to be enough.

"Of course."

"What changed?"

"Whatever do you mean?" he asked, looking up from our hands to my eyes.

"What is different for you? I mean two days ago the idea of running with me was too much for you, but today…today you kiss me like _that_," I murmured, biting my lower lip, letting my mind wander to that kiss for a moment. Edward's quiet laughter pulled me from my pleasurable reverie.

"It has become easier to be close to you," he confessed.

"How? Do I smell bad or something?" I asked earnestly. Edward laughed again.

"I don't think that's possible, Bella. But no, that is not it."

"Then what is?" I asked, managing an ounce of impatience. It was hard to be anything but completely content and exhilarated at that moment, but he was being cryptic.

"I want it more."

My mouth fell open, at first in shock and then to say something back, but Edward stopped me with more words.

"The first moment I saw you again, I felt dumbstruck. You truly made me freeze. You were a vision, literally. I had told myself so many times you were a figment of my imagination. But there you were, standing at the opening of that meadow, out of breath and right out of my memories, but you were so…" Edward looked away from me, as though he was remembering that moment, his eyes far away, a smile on his face. When he looked back at me, his expression was tender.

"You were indescribably lovely, more gorgeous than any other creature I had ever seen on earth, and as you well know, there are some fairly attractive women in close proximity to me. My mind hardly recognized you, but my body knew who you were. Every cell was instantly alert. I felt…helpless, Bella, in a way I haven't in years. I was completely at your mercy. And right away, I wanted to see you smile, wanted to make you happy. That, I think, will never change no matter what happens. And as time has gone by, it has only become more evident to me that no matter what I do, I don't think I will ever want anything on earth more than I want you."

I felt warm tears prick at my eyes but I refused to cry. I didn't want him to think there was something wrong when truly I had just never heard more beautiful words in my life. Even still I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. Edward smiled gently and ever so slowly leaned forward, kissing the tears as they left my eyes.

"Please don't cry for me, my Bella," he whispered, before touching his lips to mine again gently. His kiss sent another shock through me, producing more tears. I didn't know if this meant he loved me or not, but for the moment I didn't care a bit. After a moment I was able to get a hold of myself.

"Sorry about that," I murmured. Edward shook his head.

"You now if kissing you makes you cry, I might have to hold off," Edward teased with a small grin.

"I'd like to see you try," I taunted back. He laughed.

"I'm sure you're right. If I couldn't resist you today I doubt I will be able to do so tomorrow or the day after, or any day from here on out, to be quite honest."

"I don't mind."

"The sisters would be proud," Edward said with a sly smile. I touched the sapphire around my neck and gave him a wink. After that I gathered up all the little garments the sisters had insisted upon buying for me and stashed them in the little bag they had been wrapped in, mentally reminding myself to thank them later for insisting.

We made our way back downstairs. We spent time with his family, and I tried to ignore the very pleased grin in Alice's face. And I made sure to thank Tanya, Irina and Kate when I was certain Edward wouldn't notice. They only smiled knowingly.

Days passed and became weeks. I stayed with Edward and his whole family, becoming familiar with them again, or in the case of his 'extended' family, for the first time. And of course I spent the majority of my time with Edward. He sang me to sleep at night and greeted me with a smile and a kiss in the morning. There were some things he said were still to hard for him—holding me at night, for example. But mostly, if I wanted something, a kiss or some sort of contact, he was all too happy to provide it. But it was the unexpected things, a surprise kiss here or there that made me the happiest.

The time we were given then was like the time we had never been afforded earlier. We could see each other at any time of the day, and if I wanted to hold his hand in public I could. If I wanted to kiss him in front of strangers I could. It was liberating. It was nice to finally get to be in love with someone and not have to hide it.

But it was moments when I thought about that when I remembered Emily. She had been my friend, my only confidant for years. She hadn't known Edward was alive, but she had known the extent of my feelings for him throughout the entire affair, and knew why I hurt so much after. And at the time I left, I knew it would have been too hard to see her and tell her goodbye. And now of course it would be impossible. I could not go back there, even if it was just to see Emily.

And without fail, Edward noticed when I was feeling down and being reflective, wondering if leaving without seeing her was the greatest idea.

"What are you thinking of?" he asked, running his long, nimble fingers through my hair.

"Thinking about Emily, I confessed. Edward didn't remember who Emily was of course, and I hadn't really talked about that part of my life. So I explained to him about her, the relationship we had in my life before and after he had gone away. He listened to me through the entire story, even the parts where I had to tell him how she took care of me, how she made sure I ate and slept even when my body refused to do so on its own. I could tell it hurt him to hear those things, to know how much pain I had been it. It was the same reason he would never tell me what the change was like, the same reason I could never ask him about it. It made me ache to know he had ever experienced that kind of hurt, let alone hearing about it in detail. But even when I had tried to stop, telling him he didn't really want to know all the details he had asked me to continue.

"In case it ever occurs to me for a single moment to leave you for your own good," he told me, a sad smile in his eyes. I thought perhaps that smile meant it had already happened, he had already thought of letting me go to keep me safe. So I told him the things he asked to hear, some things I didn't even like to think about.

I had gone three days without sleeping or eating. Eventually Emily had forced me into eating, even though I fought her. But I was too tired to really hold up a resistance and eventually I just gave in and ate and slept like she wanted. That same pattern repeated for a few weeks. Eventually I broke down and just did what she wanted without any sort of fight because I was too weak to do anything else. And then gradually I got to _want_ to sleep and eat on my own. It was a long process, but for such a long time I couldn't want anything. My body just _wouldn't_.

I told him how Emily took care of me, how she watched me cry for days without stopping, how she comforted me when I woke up screaming the way he had so recently seen.

"She was a good friend," he commented, looking away from me.

"Yes," was all I could think to say. It hurt to remember all those things. He could only hear them and imagine; I could feel it.

"I'm glad you weren't alone," he whispered, turning his face turned back to mine. He reached his hand to mine and took it tenderly, kissing the back of it. Before he said anything else someone knocked and he called for Alice to come in.

"Are you ready?" she asked him. She cast a smile to me and then turned back to her brother. I looked at him as well, perplexed.

"Oh my, I completely forgot to tell you that we are going hunting tonight, didn't I?" he asked with an apologetic grin. I nodded and smiled at him, shaking my head.

"I wont be gone too long. Just until tomorrow," he told me. I frowned. I didn't like being away form him. In fact I hated it. After not seeing him for years and not knowing if he was coming back, I hated that more than any other single thing on the earth.

"Oh don't you worry, dearest Bella, I'll be back before you know it," he assured me. I pouted, completely shameless. Alice laughed and Edward smiled very softly. He looked directly at me, catching me with those eyes of his, which had turned the color of pitch, darkening as the shadows beneath them had. But they still made my heart and breath stop. I didn't move and he leaned in close. I was as still as could be as he leaned in to kiss me, brushing his lips oh so gently across mine. I sucked in a harsh breath and I felt him smile against my lips.

"Before you know it," he reminded me, and then with a smile and another sweet, quick kiss, he pulled away.

"Who is staying?" I asked slowly, bringing my mind back into focus.

"Rosalie," Edward said, making his voice sound nonchalant. I looked at him, shocked. It was no secret that Rosalie had no real affection toward me in any way. In fact, I think it was quite fair to say she disliked me immensely. I couldn't believe that Edward was leaving me here alone with her.

"Why can't Tanya or Kate stay? I asked.

"They need to hunt just like the rest of us. Rosalie went by herself a few days ago. She doesn't need to come on this trip," Edward explained.

"I understand," I said. Edward smiled.

"I'll hurry back."

I smiled at his attempt to make me feel better. He kissed me once more and then he and Alice were gone, like the rest of his family. I sat on my bed for a moment, wondering if I should even bother to venture downstairs and talk to Rosalie. But I was too afraid. She intimidated me with her inhuman perfection and icy demeanor. It was like my very existence made her angry. I never knew what to say or do around her for fear I would only make her more irritated.

So I stayed in the upper level of the house, perusing the library and pressing lightly on the keys of the piano, pretending Edward was there and paying me a song. I hadn't forgotten about his piano playing, he had mentioned it to me once or twice all those years ago, but I had never heard him play before. He was amazing. Of course he was modest and said he was nothing special, but to my human ears that could not pick up on every tiny flaw, he sounded astounding. So I asked him to play for me. And he always did of course, "Just for you, Bella." he always told me. It always made me smile when he spoke like that.

But of course, my being human betrayed me and I got hungry. So I descended to the lower level of the house to rummage through the food stash that Esme had begun keeping in the house for me. I made myself some dinner without a single trace of Rosalie. She hadn't we hadn't run into each other so far. And as I was cleaning up from dinner, I was beginning to think that was the way it was going to stay.

But just as I was about to back upstairs to read some more and then find my way to bed, Rosalie intercepted me. I stopped in my tracks when she walked over to me from the main hall by the stairs.

"Bella, I think perhaps we should talk," she said softly, her voice calm.

"I…okay, sure," I said, not really knowing how else I should respond. I certainly couldn't refuse to speak to her. For one that would be incredibly rude. And of course there was the fact that she could literally _make_ me. She smiled in a forced sort of way and gestured for me to come with her into the living room sort of room down the main hall. I went with her hesitantly and sat in a plush chair silently, waiting for her to say something, anything at all. I didn't know if there was a specific reason for our talking or if she just didn't want me to feel awkward about being there alone with her.

"I think," she stated slowly, "you and I got off on the wrong foot and have not quite gotten back into good standing."

"Really, Rosalie, you don't have to―"

"Yes, I do, Bella," she said. "When my brother first got involved with you, I was…well I was scared. He was so human and so breakable. He was my little brother and I didn't want him to get hurt. And you must admit your situation was something I had ever right to be worried about."

"I understand," I said, and then she continued.

"And of course the more time he spent with you, the more infatuated he became. I refused to believe him when he said he was in love with you. But I knew, I always did. I would have to have been an idiot not to know. You could see it in his eyes. He reacted so…suddenly and violently to any mention of you. If someone even said your name he grinned like an idiot and his heart would start pounding. But still I was too afraid for him to believe that. I thought you would hurt him, and if he didn't love you, it wouldn't be so bad if you broke his heart.

"And when he died, Bella, when Carlisle brought him home so broken and changing, screaming like that," she shuddered at the memory and so did I, "I _hated_ you. Oh, how I hated you. Every time I heard him scream or saw him in pain I gritted my teeth and I despised you a little more. And I swore, if I ever saw you again I was going to make you sorry. I was hell bent on it.

"And then he started to ask about you. I had gone years without him even knowing who you were. I thought, I _prayed_ he had forgotten about you. But I should have known after what happened when he woke up that he would remember you. But of course I couldn't tell him that he didn't love you, that you weren't important. Everyone else would have contradicted me completely. And then he started asking to go find you and…"

Rosalie stopped and looked at me, drawing away from her reverie.

"Bella, I will be honest, I have never fought so long and hard with my family about a single thing in my entire existence. I had to leave the house because I was just so angry with them all. How could they let him go back to someone who got him killed?"

She sighed unhappily.

"But of course he came, and I had to come as well. And when he left I prayed you had gone. I wanted you to have left this place. For all I knew you were married to that mutt, had lots of little children or something. Or maybe you had run away. Or maybe that infamous clumsiness had gotten you killed. I didn't know. What I did know was that when you came back with him, when I saw you with your hand entwined with his I wasn't any less angry with you than I had been three years ago."

She looked at me with fervor in her eyes, but not anger.

"But he's so happy with you. I see the way you look at him. I've never seen anyone except the people inside my own family look at each other that way. And I hated to admit it at first, but…it's been three years since I have seen him really smile, really shine the way he does with you. And so I can't be angry anymore. I can't hate the woman my brother loves," she finally murmured.

"I…Rosalie…he doesn't…love me, he doesn't love me," I told her. She laughed.

"You are an idiot if you truly believe that, Bella. He loved you for three years without knowing it and he loved you all over again when he saw you again. He might not say it, and he might be more guarded with it when you look at him, but there is no doubt that he loves you now."

"I—"

"Bella, I know that you're afraid to believe it, just like he's afraid to say it. It's terrifying to love someone, especially someone you've lost. I heard what you told him today, about what happened to you after he was gone. And Alice told me that you thought about killing yourself.

"To be honest, I don't think we would be having this conversation if I hadn't heard that. It's exactly what would happen to me if I ever lost Emmett. I…I never thought we would have something in common, Bella, but I have discovered that we do, that little bit at least."

"More than you think," I muttered under my breath. She looked at me beseechingly for a moment because of course she had heard me.

"You hated me for hurting him. You hated me for putting him in danger and letting him get hurt, and believe me I understand. I hated myself. You could never comprehend how I hated myself, how angry I was, how sad. It killed me each and every day. To know that I had warned him, that I had _tried_ so hard to make him let me go and he just wouldn't. I was too weak to do what I should have. And I think about that every day. I think about how much I love him and how I don't deserve him each and every day."

"But you see, Bella, that's why you _do_ deserve him. You love him more than life itself. Three years to me is like…it feels like nothing and an eternity to me at the same time. I can't imagine what you went through."

"It was Hell."

"I don't doubt it," she replied.

"Rosalie?" I said, after a long moment of silence. She looked at me, perfect golden eyes contrasting with her ever perfectly pale skin and gorgeous features.

"Thank you," was what I managed to stammer out. She smiled.

"What is family for?"

* * *

**Hi again guys! I thought I would give you another feel good chapter. I know a lot of people dont really like Rosalie, but I think she's actually pretty stellar, which you can totally tell from my fics, because she always turns out to be okay, haha. anyway, I hope you guys liked that. because some stuff might be coming that you, uh, dont like so much... oO**

**but thanks for reading and reviewing, its always appreciated!**

**oh and ps, I wanted to tell you...I am always a little curious about Edward's POV, its just in my nature. as you saw I couldnt help but write _Froget Me Not_ because I just had to know. so if there are any spots in this story, where you're likey 'hey, I wonder about Edward's side of this?' you could totally let me know and I could use that as my magical writers block breaker! so if there are any scenes you would like me to revisit in his POV let me know via review or PM and I will see what I can do!**


	17. Wrong

After Rosalie and I talked we were by no means the best of friends, but we understood each other much better. Her standoffishness and apparent hatred of me was understandable, something as we actually discovered we had in common. We did not really talk much after the last part of our conversation about Edward, but it didn't make me feel awkward to be alone in the house with her anymore. But I was also dying for Edward to come home. After what Rosalie had said about him loving me…she was right about it all. I was afraid to believe it without his telling me. If it wasn't true, if there was a chance he didn't love me and never would, to believe now that he did might just kill me.

But she seemed so sure. She said he loved me with such certainty in her voice in her eyes that it was hard not to believe it. Not to mention the fact that I desperately _wanted_ to believe it. To have him love me again, to know that it wasn't just something that _had_ happened, but something that I had at that exact moment would make me the happiest woman on the face of the planet. I had told him love like ours once in a lifetime would be enough for me, and in truth, if it was all I could ever get from him, my memories would _have_ to be enough. But it would kill me if he ever told me he wouldn't ever love me again. So I would wait, just like I told him I would, and pray that he would find it in himself somewhere to love me again.

I went to sleep that night after saying goodnight to Rosalie, who merely smiled and nodded. Her hatred hadn't really been about me, but because she loved Edward so much. She was loyal and protective of her family, of that I was absolutely certain. She hated me because I put him in danger, because I got him hurt. I could understand that. I hoped that now that things were different, now that I couldn't hurt him anymore she would be able to perhaps accept me as person who was going to be in her life, if not her family. She had said it though, that doing what she had tonight was what family was for. So perhaps she already did.

I had the nightmares again that night. Again, I could not remember what it was that I was dreaming of, but I woke up in the same cold sweat, the tears in my eyes and on my face, nausea making my body shake, a scream just barely having stopped sounding when I awoke with it. But this time I was alone; I had no Edward to comfort me and tell me I was safe with him. I always fell back asleep after a few moments, trembling and praying that I would dream of something else that time. But it was always the same result, no matter what I prayed for.

When morning came I got out of bed quickly, hoping to avoid the place I had spent my night, terrified and trapped in my dreams. I washed and dressed, trying to waste time while I wanted for Edward to come home. I couldn't lie and say I wasn't excited t see him, the idea of spending time with him today after his being gone since the day before elated me. My impatience as I ate amused Rosalie. She could see in the jerky way I moved, how my head snapped up at the slightest noise, that I was waiting for him to come home and I was not doing a very good job of remaining serene.

"How did you sleep?" she asked me to try and break my funk. I looked up at her with a questioning look. There was no way she had not heard me screaming. I could hear it ringing in my ears as I shot awake every time. I had heard it in my dreams. It must have been loud enough for her to hear.

"I heard you screaming in your sleep. Edward said you have nightmares sometimes," she said nonchalantly. I nodded without looking at her.

"I must admit, I do miss sleeping, it's a great way to pass the time, but I wouldn't want nightmares, especially not ones like those," she told me.

"I don't even remember them after, it's the strangest thing," I admitted.

"You said his name a lot, before the screaming. Once or twice you said 'please' or 'no', but mostly you just said Edward's name and then you would start screaming a few minutes later," she informed me. I nodded wordlessly. I didn't like that I was having nightmares about Edward. The last time my nightmares had been about Edward it had not remained a nightmare. I shuddered when remembering that scene—both the one in my dreams and the one that had truly occurred.

"I would have come and checked on you but…" Rosalie began. I nodded and shrugged.

"I understand. You didn't think it was your business," I finished for her. She nodded without saying anything.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if things had been different?" she asked me. I almost said 'all the time' but I asked her how she meant. There were so many ways things could have gone differently for Edward and I. There were a thousand things I could have changed, he could have changed, or that could just have occurred in a different way that might have made changed where we were.

"If Jacob had not ever found out about you. If you had continued to see each other under the radar and he hadn't died or been changed. What would you have done?"

I thought about it. Emily and I had had several different conversations all centering on the same issue. If Edward and I hadn't been found out I would have still been on track to marry Jacob, and as I told Emily time and again, I didn't think I would be able to leave Edward. So at this point in my life, if things had remained on the same track, I would be married, seeing Edward at night and trying to hide my affair from my husband. But of course, even though I had imagined it could be that way for the rest of my life, I knew rationally that it wouldn't. There was no way we could carry on our façade forever. There would have been something that had happened—Jacob would have found us out, Edward would have eventually realized it was not enough for him or—God forbid—I could have gotten pregnant. It would not—could not—have continued on the very same path it was on all these years. Something would have changed it, but I didn't know what.

"Of course I thought about it, at least I did before everything happened, after that, I tried not to think about Edward too much during the day," I confessed.

"Why ever not?" she asked suspiciously.

"Remembering him…it was difficult for me. It made me hurt. If I didn't think about him, it didn't hurt so much," I explained. A look of understanding crossed her face.

"Would you have stayed with him?" she asked.

"Until he didn't want me anymore."

"That wouldn't have happened," she replied with a smile. We continued talking for a while after that. Usually if I was having a conversation so in depth with another woman it was Alice. The sisters and I remained friendly and we would chat and spend time together, but Alice was the closest thing to a sister I had in the household, the closest to family I had besides Edward. But there I was, sitting with Rosalie, who before yesterday had maintained a dislike and distance from me.

She was an interesting woman. She and Emmett had been together for three decades. She had lived in the Cullen house for thirty five years by that point, and even as difficult as it was, she never regretted abstaining. She looked like an angel, it only followed that she acted like one as well.

Eventually, as promised, Edward and the rest of the family returned. They found Rosalie and me in the kitchen, talking like old friends. It was just Edward's immediate family that found us there, the sisters and Carmen and Eleazar had gone off somewhere else in the house. All conversation literally stopped when they saw the two of us sitting at the table, laughing with each other. Edward had walked through the door first with Alice, and the rest of the family literally bumped into them both as they stopped dead. It was the closest thing to being ungraceful as I had ever seen. Edward and Alice stumbled forward and the rest of the family protested the sudden jamming of the doorway, but all fell silent as they looked at us.

There was silence. The faces of our family were enough to express the shock.

"Are you two feeling alright?" Carlisle asked. Rosalie and I looked at the other and smiled.

"Of course, Carlisle. Why would you assume we weren't?" she asked innocently. Of course we both knew that for the two of us to be willingly spending time together was nothing short of a miracle. But with one more smile and a small laugh between us, I rose to go to Edward.

He took my hand and silently told me he wanted to see me alone. I walked with him upstairs to my bedroom. He closed the door behind us and smiled at me, his eyes—now their normal glowing topaz—were shining.

"Since when are you and Rosalie best friends?" he asked quietly.

"We talked," I told him. He nodded and tapped his temple. He had already heard from Rosalie's thoughts.

"Why do you bother to ask if you already know?" I inquired with a grin, holding my hands out for him, letting him know I wanted to touch him. He stepped forward toward my outstretched hands. I knew that when he came back there was always a short period of adjustment where he had to become used to my scent all over again. But it got easier every time. Each time he returned to me it seemed like he needed less time to adjust to me.

_I want it more_. His words ran through my head and I smiled. It seemed easier for him to do anything when it came to me. As it were, as soon as my fingers touched him again I wanted to pull him straight into my arms, but Edward did it for me. As soon as I connected with his body I had to smile. I heard him inhale deeply and felt his body shake gently against mine.

"Nightmares again?" he asked, never lifting his face from where it was in the crook of my neck.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here," he murmured, pulling back slightly to look me in the face.

"You couldn't have known."

"Doesn't mean I like the idea of you being afraid all by yourself," he countered. I smiled at him, amused by how protective he was of me, even from myself. He often told me that if I wasn't living in a house full of vampires I would be my own worst enemy. I stood on my tiptoes and leaned close to him, cluing him in to that I would like. He grinned that crooked smile that always knocked the air from my lungs and kissed me. Usually when we kissed it was quick, and if not quick than with a certain amount of distance between us. But this time he didn't release me from where he had been holding me against him. I melted into him, completely unable to resist those marble arms.

He released me far too soon, and I gasped for breath against his chest, inhaling that heavenly scent. My body was quaking. It was a good thing Edward was holding me up because I knew I would not have had the strength to stay standing on my own. Before I could say a thing, Edward bent and tucked one of his arms behind my knees, lifting me up in the air. He set me on my bed and sat beside me.

"What did you and Rosalie talk about?" he asked, as though to ignore the fact that I was still having trouble breathing from that kiss.

"Don't you already know?" I mumbled, putting my hand over my chest to feel the rapid beating of my heart as it gradually slowed.

"I know you spoke and because of that things between you two are cleared up to a degree, but the details were not present in Rose's mind so I couldn't hear them."

"She just explained some things to me."

"Such as?"

"Such as why she has hated me for three years," I explained.

"She didn't―"

"She hated me, Edward. But its okay now, we have worked things out."

"And what exactly did she say prompted this change of mind?" he inquired slowly, his eyes light and playful.

_I can't hate the woman my brother loves_.

Rosalie hadn't spared a single ounce of candor while speaking to me. But I couldn't say things like that to Edward. I couldn't tell him that he loved me. If he did I would wait to hear it from him.

"She decided it was time to accept the fact that I wasn't going anywhere," I told him with a slight pause. It wasn't a lie exactly, that was part of it. She knew if he loved me I wasn't going to just disappear. He would want me with him. I was grateful beyond belief at that moment that he had no idea what I was thinking.

"That doesn't sound very Rosalie-like," he jested with a very real hint of suspicion.

"She loves you, Edward. She just wants you to be happy. She disliked me before because I was putting you in danger, because I got you hurt. Now that I can't hurt you anymore I think she's ready to put her sisterly worry aside and just let you do what you want."

"That's not true," Edward murmured looking down at his hands.

"Edward, that's what she told me, whether you choose to―"

"Not that, Bella, of course I believe you about that."

"Then what don't you believe?"

"Do you really think you can't hurt me?"

"Well seeing as I am pretty sure we could drop a ton of bricks on you and you wouldn't feel a thing, your skin has the texture and durability of a diamond and you don't _need_ sustain yourself except for every few weeks at your best, I would say yes, I truly believe it would be impossible for me, a human, to hurt you," I explained. Edward smiled at me but shook his head.

"While all that might be true, you wouldn't have to do any of that to hurt me," he explained. "Losing you, Bella, would hurt me more than anything."

"I understand," I whispered. Edward tilted my face up so my eyes met his.

"Yes, I suppose you would understand, wouldn't you?"

We stared at each other. I felt my heart quiver and beat too fast as we did, my breath beginning to move faster again. But Edward quelled that reaction before it was able to come fully to bear.

"Come, my love, lay with me and rest. You didn't sleep much last night; I can see it on your face. Let me chase your nightmares away a while," he suggested. I did as he bade, reclining on the bed and letting my eyes close. I expected him to sit on the edge of my bed as he usually did while I slept. Instead I felt him relax upon the bed the way I did, his body inches from mine.

"Edward?" I asked quietly. He hushed me and brushed hair away from the back of my neck, kissing it softly.

"Sleep," he instructed me again. I sighed but I didn't argue. If he thought he was strong enough, resistant enough to hold me this way, who was I to argue? I rested with Edward beside me, as close as he dared, until eventually my tired mind fell asleep.

I did not have nightmares.

* * *

When I woke up later that afternoon, I was alone. I was confused, thinking perhaps I had dreamed the entire morning and I was just waking up. But when I looked at myself I was fully clothed. I got out of my bed, rubbing my eyes, waking myself up from the rest Edward had insisted I have. He had lain with me, I remembered, and promised to keep my nightmares away, which he had done.

I wandered downstairs, looking for someone. I found Edward in the living room with his siblings. He grinned when he saw me. He opened his arms for me, inviting me inside them and I did not hesitate to go where he asked me.

"Sleep well?" he asked quietly in my ear. I nodded without speaking and simply relaxed against him, listening to Jasper and Emmett argue about something. Conversation turned pleasant, eventually turning to a trip to town. Alice had been wanting to go get a 'few new things' and of course Rosalie would go with her. Esme had insisted that we get more food in the house for me and so she had commandeered Edward into going to the market for her. They were planning on going this afternoon.

"Would you like to come?" Alice asked with a sweet smile.

"As long as you don't buy me anything," I stated. She nodded with defeat and I smiled. Without another moment of hesitation, they all stood and I followed suit. We said goodbye to Carlisle and Esme and then all six of us left the house.

"Come," Edward said when we were outside, motioning me over to him. I quirked an eyebrow at him but said nothing. I didn't think he would be able to run with me being so close, but he was determined to try, that much I could tell. He lifted me up onto his back and breathed deep, in and out, for a few seconds. He then took my hand and kissed my palm. He would be fine to run with me. I smiled and laid my head down on his shoulder, closing my eyes. We were off before long.

T went much the same as when the sister brought me into town we ran until we were nearly there and then we stopped and walked the rest of the way. The gloomy skies overhead had no risk to expose my family as we entered the town. But even though their skin wasn't shimmering like it was covered in diamond dust, that didn't mean they didn't get stared at. Wide eyes and gaping mouths followed us every step we took. They all pretended not to notice as we separated, Alice, Rosalie and I heading off to the shops Alice wanted to go to and the boys going to the market to get the things Esme wanted.

"Those poor girls," Alice remarked as we entered the first shop. "I thought they were going to simply fall over dead staring at Edward."

We all laughed and I kept a silent sense of satisfaction that Edward was mine.

Alice and Rosalie shopped around. Each and every time either of them picked up a piece of clothing for me I just glared at them, remembering our deal, and they put it down with an eye roll and a sigh. We visited two stores before I got bored of watching them. I enjoyed their company but I wasn't in the mod to discuss fashion with them.

"I think I am going to take a walk," I informed them. They both smiled and nodded, not saying anything. I departed promising to be back shortly. I exited the shop and began a slow stroll. I enjoyed people watching, seeing the interactions between strangers. People were infinitely perplexing. They were so predictable, but sometimes they did things that made no sense at all.

I was walking and thinking those very things when suddenly a face from my past, all too familiar, crossed into my vision.

"Emily?" I called, disbelief coloring my voice. Her beautiful and tragically marred face looked up in my direction from where it had been, looking straight ahead of her as she walked. Her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. She was just as much in shock as I was. He mouth opened and she mouthed my name but nothing came out. I started taking steps in her direction before I realized it was happening. When we were close enough she hugged me tightly, as though she needed to make sure I was still there.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her. She was far from home.

"Sam and I came to visit my parents," she explained. "I suppose you…"

"Live near here, yes," I finished for her.

"With Edward," she said, no trace of doubt in her voice.

"With Edward," I confirmed. She nodded absently and stared at me.

"You didn't say goodbye," she commented casually, trying to hide the hurt behind her words. But I caught it. She was never any good at hiding things like that from me.

"I'm sorry, Emily. But at the time it was easier for me not to."

"You were just gone. And Jacob wouldn't talk about it. He still won't. All he said was 'she's gone with him', and even then it was with quite a bit of convincing that he muttered those few words. But of course I knew what he was talking about. You had gone with Edward. You told me he was dead, Bella," she said slowly.

"I couldn't tell you the truth. There was too much danger that Jacob would still want to go after him. And I didn't want to talk about him. It was easier for you to think he was dead than to watch me every day knowing that he might come back. What would you have done but tried to convince me to stay?" I asked. She smiled sadly and shook her head.

"I wouldn't have tried to make you stay. I knew how you loved him, how I am sure you still love him. It always puzzled me that you couldn't seem to get over him. You seemed so hurt, so in pain and scared and I always wondered why that pain didn't ebb as time went on. If he was dead it would have hurt fiercely for a while, but after a while you wouldn't have hurt so badly. But you never stopped aching. I saw it in you every day, even though you got better at pretending," she informed me. I nodded mutely.

"He came for you, though. He came back and wanted you still. But he's not…human anymore, I assume."

I shook my head, remembering that moment in the meadow when I had first seen him in all his glory, the perfection I had no right to view with my human eyes.

"And the rest of them?" she asked.

"My family is all here," I told her. She flinched.

"We were your family, too," she reminded me.

"And you always will be, Emily. I care for you still, you should know that. I was never more grateful to a person than I am to you. You took care of me during the hardest stretch of my life. You kept my secret for such a long time. But some things are not meant to be, and I was not meant to be without Edward."

Emily smiled. "No, I never thought you were."

"Are you well?" I asked. She hesitated in her answer.

"Things are…chaotic back at home," she confessed. I looked at her with a puzzled expression and urged her to continue.

"You left literally a day before another boy changed. His name was Alexander. Quil knew him. He's a rambunctious kid, and he doesn't really know what he's doing yet. And after you left…Jacob was completely useless for days. But now…he's gone on the warpath. He's determined to _find_ vampires and kill them, not to just be defensive. He's left for days at a time and come home, telling us about groups in the area, vampires that the pack could hunt and kill. I don't now if he has found your family yet, but if he has he never mentioned it. Of course Sam is torn. He wants to take them out, but he doesn't want to put the pack in danger. If there are no vampires in the area he doesn't think there is a reason to go _looking_ for them. But the pack is split. Jared, Alexander, and Embry agree with Jake, but Paul and Quil agree with Sam. They've been fighting constantly…" she trailed off, shaking her head. I couldn't imagine such a thing, the boys never fought with each other, they were the picture of family, affectionate and easy going, but they cared deeply for each other and were loyal to a fault.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause such turmoil with my leaving," I whispered. She waved her hand at me.

"Nonsense. You did what you needed to do to be happy, no one can blame you for that, not Jacob, not me and certainly no one else. But Jacob needs to find his balance again. That's why Sam and I are taking some time away from home to see my parents; Sam and Jake have been bickering all the time. They need some time apart to reach an agreement about what their next step as a pack is going to be."

"They sound like a married couple," I commented, trying to lighten the moment. She smiled and then burst out into laughter, her whole body shaking with it. I joined her in the laughter, unable to control myself. When she finally stopped she smiled widely at me.

"Oh Bella, that's what I miss about you. You know just what to say," she explained. I snorted.

"Please, I am terrible with words," I retorted. Emily opened her mouth to argue but then her face changed as she looked behind me, her eyes fixed on something. I turned to see what she was staring at, and understood the second later. Edward, Emmett and Jasper were walking in our direction. Jasper and Emmett had things in their hands and Edward was carrying a small parcel as well. Emily was staring completely unabashedly at the three of them, but her eyes seemed to be drawn to Edward most of all. She had seen him while he was human, before he had gotten this way. It was not as though he was unpleasant before, but now, he was unworldly. I knew this.

Edward's stone arm slid around my waist as he came to stand with me. Emily said nothing, but managed to close her mouth, which had been hanging open with shock.

"You remember Edward," I said cautiously to Emily. She nodded.

"Nice to see you again," she murmured slowly. Edward smiled and leaned over to me.

"She thinks you are quite the lucky girl," Edward whispered in my ear, reading her thoughts. I heard Jasper and Emmett snigger quietly behind us, but said nothing.

"Emily, you never told me where Sam was," I said gently. She shook her head and refocused her eyes upon me, trying not to stare any longer.

"I think he said he was going to the market to pick up some things my mother asked for," she said slowly. I smiled at the similarities with our families, but said nothing but nod.

"Did you see Sam?" I asked Edward.

"The wolf?" Edward inquired back. I nodded.

"Yes we saw him. He was…surprised to see me. Emily may have some questions to answer when she sees him," he said slowly, glancing at Emily. She sighed.

"I don't doubt it. He's a relentlessly curious man, I can assure you. I am sure he knew what you were, but he most likely did not expect to see you here, especially not in a market buying human food," she drawled, the demeanor I was more familiar with when it came to Emily coming out once more. I smiled.

"We should go before we cause any more uncomfortable situations," Edward informed me. I nodded, reluctant to leave Emily behind. I had been thinking about her so often lately that I didn't want to leave her now.

"When are you going back home?" I asked her.

"In three days."

"Can we see each other again before you go? I miss you a lot," I told her. She nodded.

"I could meet you here again tomorrow around this time if you like."

"Sounds lovely. Tomorrow it is," I said happily, not being able to control the smile across my face. With that we said our goodbye and parted ways. I was ecstatic to have seen her, even if everything she had said was not good. I felt my expression contort when I thought about it.

"Why are you brooding?" Edward asked as we went off to find Alice and Rosalie.

"I'm not brooding," I contested.

"Yes you are," Jasper piped up, his empathic abilities putting me at the disadvantage. I glared at him and he laughed at me.

"Emily told me that things are less than pleasant back at…back with the pack," I explained.

"Such as?"

"Such as Jacob's on a suicide mission, going around and trying to find vampires to kill and the pack is fighting and divided with the issue."

"Less than pleasant indeed," Edward agreed. We didn't say anything more about it. As son as we found Alice and Rose we departed the town. As soon as we were far enough out we began to run again, Edward pulling me up on his back. But when we stopped, Edward and I were not at the house. We were along some forest path, presumably the one we took to get into town when we ran there. I obviously had never seen it and so I had no idea where we were. Edward disentangled me from his back and set me on my feet. I had adjusted to running by then and so I didn't nearly fall over when he set me down.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"The path we always take to town and back. We are just a little further from home. I wanted to have some time alone with you before we got home," he informed me. I nodded and he slipped his hand over mine. My fingers twisted with his and I smiled as we walked.

"Bella?" Edward said quietly, his voice soft but still warm.

"Yes?"

"Rosalie wasn't wrong."

I glanced over at him for a moment, perplexed as ever. Rosalie wasn't wrong about _what_? But then her words, the ones I had reluctant to tell Edward earlier in the day echoed through my mind again.

_I can't hate the woman my brother loves._

"Edward―"

"I love you, Bella."

I stopped walking, my body frozen in dumb shock. I couldn't move, I could hardly _breathe_ for that matter.

"You're sure? I don't want you to fee like you have to say it just because you feel obligated or guilty or―"

"I love you," he repeated. I nodded, trying to find my words again. His admission had thrown my mind into a frenzied panic. I didn't know what to do. I loved him so much and to hear him say it, to hear him tell me he loved me again was like a symphony out of silence.

"I―" I began before Edward cut me off with a kiss. It wasn't the most passionate kiss we had ever shared, before or after his change. But it felt so much different than anything I had ever experienced. It meant more to me than any romantic words or gestures could ever possibly hope to. He rested his forehead on mine, his golden eyes burning and shining, staring right into mine.

"I know," he told me. I smiled. Of course he did. I had only told him a hundred times in a hundred different ways what he meant to me. And of course I should have realized that he was doing the same for me all this while.

"You have no idea how it feels to hear you say that," I confessed. He merely grinned my favorite crooked smile. We walked again but it felt more like floating, like my feet weren't even touching the ground. We were near the house when suddenly Edward stopped, jarring me as he held my hand in his. His face contorted into a look of disgust, one I remembered from Jacob's face whenever I had seen Edward.

"What is it?" I asked, afraid that I already knew.

"Werewolves," he said tersely.

"Sam?"

He shook his head.

"There are a few of them; I don't know exactly how many…the smell is unbearable. I can't bring you home, Bella. Its dangerous," he informed me.

"Edward I know them, they know me. It might help diffuse things if I go with you," I argued. He shook his head again.

"They are too quick to anger and phase. I know it's been a few years since I have been around them, but don't think I have forgotten their tempers," he said bitterly. I looked at him in shock. What he had just said implied that he remembered being attacked. I blanched when he didn't correct the assumption in my eyes.

"Edward―"

"It isn't safe, Bella. Please, I don't want to put you in any sort of danger. I am sure it is nothing. Perhaps they have found our family and don't understand who we are. We can talk this out, but it is far too dangerous to involve you. I won't have you hurt for me," he said, sounding so final. I shook my head this time.

"I won't stay behind."

"Please don't be difficult."

"Don't you understand? If it _is_ Jacob and he is here for you or your family, it is because of me. He has been on a rampage because I left. I can't let the family, any of them, be put in harm's way because of something I caused. Please, let me try and help. If I am wrong, you can scoop me up and hide me away wherever you see fit," I bargained. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"If you are wrong we are leaving straight away, no arguments and no exceptions, do you understand?"

I nodded.

"And even if it Jacob, if things get out of hand I am not letting you stay."

I nodded once more. With that we began to walk again, silence behind us and between us even as our fingers were twined together.

I heard shouting ahead as we got closer, loud voices I wasn't sure if I recognized. I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping to get a better idea of who the voice belonged to or what it was saying. But my human senses didn't pick up a thing.

"They are arguing about humanity," Edward informed me, seeing what I was attempting to do.

"I can't get an easy read on all their thoughts. Most of them are calm but one of them is…unfocused. His mind is all over the place, like it's hard to get him to concentrate."

"Alexander…"I breathed, remembering what Emily had told me about the new addition to the pack. For three years the Cullens had been completely gone from the area and for three years not another member of the pack had emerged. Now they had been around for two or three days and suddenly a new werewolf was brought into the group. It didn't fit. The Cullens had been there for over a year, and it had taken Sam months to change. A few days should not have had that drastic of an effect on a boy who might have been part of the pack under circumstances where vampires were constantly present. There must have been something else going on.

"Excuse me?" Edward's voice asked, bringing me from my musings.

"Emily told me there was a new addition to the pack after I left," I told him. His eyes darkened. I knew how he felt about werewolves, especially young werewolves. To say he was not keen on them would have been a massive understatement.

"Bella, I cant―"

"We made a deal," I reminded him.

"You withheld information!" he argued.

"Not on purpose. And besides, the first agreement can still stand. You can take me away as son as it becomes too dangerous," I said. He sighed.

"Our definitions of dangerous may differ far too much for your liking," he said. I shrugged. I would take what I could get. If I could try and help in any way, I would do it.

"The slightest _hint_ things are getting out of hand and we are leaving," he informed me. I nodded and squeezed his hand. We were getting closer to the house, so much so that the voices were getting clearer and I could start to see it through the thick trees.

I was terrified. I reminded myself that I had Edward, that he loved me and would never let a single thing hurt me. It helped, but only slightly. Because it wasn't really myself I was worried about. I loved people who were in a dangerous spot. What if Emmett got hurt, or Alice or Carlisle? What about Esme or Jasper or Rosalie? The sisters and Carmen and Eleazar were not as close to me as the rest of them, but they were till family, as far as I understood the word to mean.

I looked at Edward with his determined hardness in his golden eyes. He looked frightening but beautiful, terrible and wonderful at the same time. When the house came into full view and we emerged from the wooded path I felt him stiffen and heard his breathing stop.

And I looked ahead and felt my body freeze.

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I hope that isnt too horrible of a cliffie!! but if it is, dont worry, I'll update soon enough so you can see what happens!!

hope you enjoyed it!


	18. Time

**hey guys! next chapter for you all, hope the wait wasnt too excruciating!! annnyywaaay. today I came up with some pretty stellar ideas on some plot twists and where I want this to go, so expect it to get pretty twisted pretty soon! **

**enjoy the chapter and happy reading!**

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There was an invisible but unmistakable line between my family and the werewolves. But of course there were far fewer wolves than vampires. My family, for their part, were possibly the most horrifying things I had ever seen. I had never witnessed them all looking so much like monsters, so very ready to embrace their nature. Even the sisters, graceful and gorgeous as they were, did not resemble temptresses then, they looked like killers. They were obviously displeased, obviously very angry and it showed in their faultless features. But it was Rosalie's face that scared me most. There was no creature on earth more beautiful than she, at least not that I had ever discovered, and to see her face, that utter perfection, twisted in such anger and hatred made me feel almost ill.

The wolves looked both the same and exponentially different. I had never seen any of them so close to phasing except for Jacob. Embry and Jared stood together, familiar faces from the pack, friends of mine from what seemed like a completely different life. They looked at me with confusion, noticing the way my hand was threaded through Edward's. I could feel him shaking. He was probably reading their thoughts and not enjoying what he was hearing. Next to Jared and Embry was another boy, slightly smaller and obviously younger, but he looked no less powerful. His hair was the same color as rich earth, a dark brown it seemed almost black. As soon as he saw Edward his body shook even more violently than it had been already. He wasn't in control of himself and Jacob should have known better than to bring him.

Jacob. When his face turned and he saw me he fought every muscle in his face to keep from looking betrayed and dejected, but I had spent years with him, I knew his expressions. I could see it in his eyes even as he tried to hide it. Edward froze as soon as Jacob's eyes focused on me. He looked to be concentrating on something, although I didn't know what. Edward growled, a low rumble in the air, and if I hadn't known it wasn't directed at me I would have been absolutely terrified. As it was it was hard to keep from being fearful, watching the violent tension built in both sides, but I held myself together, holding tightly to Edward's hands. I looked up at his face and saw pain there, more than should ever mar the face of an angel.

"What?" I asked hesitantly. Edward's eyes closed for a single moment and when he opened them again he glared at Jacob. Jacob glared right back.

"Cullen," he spat.

"So nice of you to grace us with your presence, Jacob, but I think you will find that your purpose here will bring you nothing," Edward snapped in return, his voice dripping acid. His words stung even me, though they were not aimed in my direction.

"And would you have any idea what we are here for?" Jacob asked.

"I know more than you think. You cannot take us down here Jacob. You are outnumbered, significantly so. Even with the full strength of your pack you are outnumbered. We don't want to fight with you, so you should just leave now before someone loses control," Edward warned. Somehow it was as though both sides were present but the fight was solely between Edward and Jacob. I feared this more than anything. I had seen Edward downed and killed, I had seen him lying on the ground, bleeding and gasping because of what Jacob could do. I would not see it again. To lose him again would kill me.

"For all of us that do not have the ability to read other people's minds, would you care to share what is going on?" Alice asked coolly, making her words seem like an insult to Jacob instead of her brother. It was strange how even then she could be so perfect, so delightfully pixie-like. I had never seen a more terrifying pixie.

"There have been deaths. Jacob believes we are responsible," Edward drawled, the anger never leaving his voice for a moment.

"You know that is not our way," Carlisle said, his voice like ice. I had never known Carlisle to be cold or unfriendly, but when his family was threatened he did not hesitate to shed the caring exterior.

"There have been killings, several of them in fact, and each one was perpetrated by vampires. Tell me what else I am supposed to believe, other than that the closest large coven of blood sucking _monsters_ is responsible for them," Jacob shot back.

"We have never hunted for our prey, nonhuman as it is, anywhere near the town. It's far too dangerous. When we hunt its miles from here, over an hour's run. It wasn't us," Alice spoke again, her soprano voice cutting through the air.

"Oh I'm _sure_ your concern for the human population is what keeps you from hunting away from town. But that doesn't matter. What matters, is that people are dying, and you are the only ones who could have done it," Jacob said roughly. I wanted to argue with him, but I was struck silent. There was nothing I could think of to say at this moment that would make any bit of difference.

"There _are_ other vampires in the world you know," Edward said slowly, as though he was giving them time to become used to the idea. I had never seen him so condescending to another person. His eyes were filled with such fury I could hardly look at him. The man who minutes before had confessed love, whose face was so filled with soft passion, was now so full of hate I didn't know if it was the same person.

"I am well aware of that, leech, but none so close or so able to destroy lives," Jacob countered. The intent of that comment had not been lost on me. I winced and Edward looked down at me, his eyes appraising me quickly. I looked at my family had it seemed they had also understood what he meant. I couldn't let this go on. The longer the insults were allowed to fly between them, the longer they were able to enrage each other the closer one of them would get to losing it and attacking, whether they meant to or not.

"Jacob," I began. All eyes turned to me and I let go of Edward's hand to take a step in Jacob's direction. Edward was not happy about it, but he let me go.

"Jasper," Edward said, he nodded in the werewolves' direction. I watched as they all seemed to relax, their bodies not so tight and strained, but calm. All but Alexander stood still, watching me. But Alexander was too young of a werewolf to be completely influenced by Jasper's abilities. His instincts—to attack the vampires before him—would override the feeling of tranquility Jasper was trying to send them.

"Jacob," I started again, "what are you doing?" I asked him. I wasn't speaking only of this very moment; I was talking about his rampage, the warpath he was on to eradicate vampires from the face of the earth even though Sam was not completely on board.

"Protecting innocent, helpless humans from monsters," he retorted angrily. His voice was filled with more venom for me than anyone else. I could understand why. I did not judge him for that.

"They didn't kill anyone," I told him. He laughed mirthlessly.

"Their vampires, Bella, they kill all the time. Its how they survive, or did you forget?"

I shook my head.

"It's been going on for weeks, Bella, since even before you left. I didn't tell you of course, I didn't want to frighten you or make you think that the Cullens were back, even though that proved to be the truth."

"That's why Alexander changed," I said. Jacob nodded.

"They were killing for weeks, long enough for Alexander to become one of us. There is blood on their hands, Bella, and you are just too close to see it."

But I knew he wasn't right. Edward and his family, even the extended parts, with whatever past they might have had behind them, would never willingly harm someone now. And Edward made a point, simplistic as it might have been—there were other vampires in the world. Was it so unlikely that a group of them had passed through here, feeding as they went? Of course that would lead me to wonder why Alice would have missed it in her visions, but for the moment I was not concerned. All I wanted was to convince Jacob that my family was not responsible for the deaths he thought they were.

"They can't have been feeding on people, Jacob."

"And why is that?"

"Look at their eyes, if they had been feeding on humans they would be bright red. But they aren't. If they were feeing on humans they wouldn't be able to spend time around me without killing me, but they do it every day."

"You're just like he was, so willing to believe in their good side," Jacob said quietly, his voice meant for only me.

"I still believe in yours," I told him. His face softened for a moment. During that time I saw the Jacob I had known, hopeful and almost innocent. He had never been a bad person. I had loved him like family, like a brother almost, but never the way he had wanted me to. I had meant it when I told him to find another woman to love and to be happy with her and not dwell on me. He deserved more than living off of his memories.

"What are you doing?" I asked him again.

"Trying to protect people."

"But you _know_, Jacob, you know it isn't them," I said.

"You haven't given me proof enough to really doubt it," he replied. I shook my head. It was true. Every argument I had made could be refuted. Even the fact about their eyes could be argued. How could he know for sure I wasn't lying about that, how could he know that the golden color of their eyes wasn't indicating their diet of human blood? But it didn't matter.

"I don't need to. You already know."

He didn't say anything. His simply looked at me.

"I'm built to keep people safe, Bella," he reminded me. "And they," he gestured to my family, "are built to kill them."

"But they don't. Think how easily one of you could hurt someone even if you didn't mean to. If you got too angry…if you lost control…" I trailed off, looking directly at Jacob. He didn't argue with me.

"Not to interrupt this little tête-à-tête, but your friend is losing it," Edward pointed out motioning to Alexander. I looked over at him and watched him for a second. He looked like he was having a seizure with his eyes closed. His body as shaking madly and I could hear tiny, barely controlled growls emanating from his form.

"Alexander?" Jacob said quietly. He didn't open his eyes or stop shaking.

"He won't answer you. He's using all his strength to keep from phasing. If you don't get out of here now, he won't be able to keep himself in control much longer," Edward told him. The wolves looked to Alexander and as though by some silent agreement all went to him. Without words they put their hands on him and began leading him away, swiftly. Jared and Embry were practically shoving him away form the house.

"We haven't finished this discussion," Jacob assured us before disappearing with the others. I watched him go in silence with everyone else. As soon as they were gone Edward stepped up behind me, taking my hand in his. I stepped back and let my back rest against his body, relaxing for the first time since I had seen his face change in the forest.

"Are you all right?" he asked me. I nodded mutely.

"How did you know?" Jasper asked. I looked to him with a raised eyebrow.

"How did you know he was unsure that it was us?" he asked.

"He wanted it to be you. If he really thought you were the cause he would have brought the whole pack, Sam included," I said. "He's never liked you. So of course he would blame you when something like this happens. It's an easy way for him to have an excuse to hate you more. But he knew the whole time it had nothing to do with you."

No one said anything for a long time. We stood outside, all staring in the direction the werewolves had gone, as if they were going to come back right that very moment.

"I see why you didn't want to marry him," Tanya said eventually. I turned around to face her and for a moment I stared at her as I could tell the rest of the family was as well. And then I laughed. It wasn't as though it was really that funny of a comment or that she even really meant it to be funny, but the way she said it, with knowing distaste, made it somehow humorous.

Eventually we all went inside, settling into our spaces in the house. I heard rain begin to pour as Edward and I retreated to my bedroom. He leaned against the door as I crossed the room. I could feel him looking at me but I didn't know what to say.

"Thank you for helping today. I doubt he would have listened to anyone but you," Edward said quietly. I nodded.

"You didn't steal me away," I commented.

"No need."

"Alexander was losing control," I argued, confused by his change in logic.

"I could have kept you safe from one young werewolf. Besides, Jacob would never let him hurt you, even if by some twist of fate I was incapacitated."

I could tell by the look on his face it was hard for him to admit something like that or even express that there might have been a point in time where he was unable to protect me. So I only nodded.

"What did he think at you that made you so upset?" I asked, thinking back to look on his face, the pain there followed by the anger. Edward's face hardened and he crossed the room to me.

"He had certain memories of you that I found…unpleasant," he said, being enigmatic as ever. I couldn't think of any memories where Jacob and I were in any way intimate that would make Edward angry, but I certainly couldn't think of a single memory that would cause him pain.

"What was he remembering?" I asked. Edward closed his eyes for a moment, like he was trying to remember and forget at the same time.

"You. He remembered you."

"And you find memories of me unpleasant?"

"The ones where you are in pain, yes."

"In pain?"

"He remembered you in those first few months. He was…talking to you and you were just lying there, looking past him and crying. You looked so…there aren't words for that kind of sadness," Edward looked up into my eyes. That same look of pain was in his eyes again. It made me ache just to see it.

"I never meant for you to see any of that," I told him quietly.

"Seeing it wasn't as bad as other things," he informed me.

"Such as?"

"He would look after you some nights when Emily had to sleep. Most of the time you were too tired to notice someone was even there, let alone who it was. It was dark so of course it was hard for him to see you but…you cried a lot. And most of the time in the middle of the night you would…sob and make all sorts of pained little noises. It hurt him to hear it but Bella…you told me how much you hurt. You explained it to me, but seeing it, _hearing_ you be in pain…I don't think I have ever borne witness to something so painful. I would rather go through the change all over again than hear you hurting like that."

"Is that why you wont change me?" I asked, hoping to lighten the moment. Edward smiled sadly.

"I will admit that if there is any selfish motive involved in my opinion on the matter of your change it is that I do not think I could bear seeing you in that much pain, but that isn't it."

"What is it then?" I asked. I remembered the argument he and Alice had weeks before when she first broached the subject with me. He had been so against it, so angry that she had even brought it up. But I honestly had not been able to follow his logic. Perhaps it was the internal conversations Edward and Alice were having as I stood there, hearing them talk about my fate and future.

Edward sighed. And when he began to explain I wasn't sure what he was going to say. I though that for certain it would be another deeply heartfelt talk, something verbose and eloquent like he usually was. But it wasn't.

"I love you, Bella. I don't ever want you to forget that, especially when hearing this. That being said, I don't want to change you because you don't deserve it." I was sure my face must have reacted in such bewilderment because he laughed softly before touching my face gently.

"I didn't know it was some sort of privilege," I retorted. He shook his head.

"Quite the opposite. I would never damn you to three days of mind numbing agony, nor put you through an entire year of thirst for blood that you have no control over, or the need to kill any living, breathing creature that crosses your path. I cannot make you into a monster. Your life should be full of choice and opportunity. I will not be the one to take that away from you. It is _because_ I love you, not in spite of it."

"And if _I_ made that choice?"

"I would be unhappy at first. I would want you to remain human, to keep the life you have now for all the choices you could make down the road when your judgment is not clouded with love. But it would not make me care for you any less. There is not a force in Heaven or Hell that has that power. It would mean adjustments of course, it would mean things would change and of course, it would mean that perhaps you and I would redefine our relationship, but I would still love you."

"Good to know," I jested. Edward laughed quietly with me. He leaned in and kissed me for a long moment and then we parted.

"I'm curious about something," I confessed. Edward gestured for me to continue.

"The werewolves, they don't become part of the pack unless there is a constant presence. Sam didn't become a wolf until almost three months after you were here, and Jacob shortly after that. It wouldn't make sense for Alexander to change just because you were here for a few days. If every time a group of vampires passed close by to the town another person became part of the pack it would be insane. I don't think it was your brief presence that triggered the transformation," I mused. Edward looked at me intently while I spoke, listening carefully.

"You think the vampires that have been killing people are what caused Alexander's transformation," Edward stated. I nodded.

"It's certainly an interesting theory, and as far as I can tell it's our most plausible one at that. Obviously if any of my family had done something as terrible as kill a human we would see it in their eyes and of course I would hear it in their thoughts. It was never a question of their innocence or guilt on the matter that troubled me, only wondering who it was that was murdering people."

"Wouldn't Alice have seen it?" I inquired. Edward shrugged.

"Her visions aren't perfect. She doesn't see things that are unrelated to our family or people she focuses on. If she didn't know the human involved in the killing she might not have picked up on it, especially because we aren't living near there anymore. We all like to believe she is some sort of infallible oracle, and granted she has never been wrong as long as I have known her…or as long as I remember that I have known her, but she doesn't know everything. She only wishes she did," he said with a grin. He glanced behind me and there was Alice with a smirk on her perfect face as well.

"Why thank you, Edward, that was touching," she said with mock appreciation. I smiled at her as she came and sat on the edge of my bed gracefully.

"He's right though, you know. I didn't know there was anything I should have been paying attention to back in that town. Other than you there was nothing to look into to. And of course I kept tabs on you," she stated, reiterating something she had already informed me of, "but seeing as you weren't attacked in any of my visions by a band of vampires, there was no reason for me to suspect anything. But now that I've been concentrating…" she trailed off and looked like she was thinking.

"Still nothing?" Edward asked as though he could not read her thoughts and see what she saw.

"Nothing concrete or that would really mean anything," she replied, sounding frustrated. I could see she was beating herself up over the fact that she couldn't see anything. She was just as desperate to find out who was murdering humans as the werewolves were. It made her flustered that her visions did not tell her everything she could ever hope to know. But it made sense. If she got visions of _every_ future event _ever_, she would go insane. She could only be attuned to so many things before she was completely unable to function.

"It's absolutely infuriating," she confessed with a mirthless grin. I smiled at her.

"We'll figure it out, Alice," I said, trying to sound sure.

"I don't know how much time we have," she mused, worrying aloud.

"Time?" Edward asked.

"To figure this out. The werewolves, patient as they might pretend to be," she snorted at this, "are eager to find the vampires murdering humans and take them down. If we are their only option…" she said, not finishing her sentence.

"They wouldn't just come after you because they don't have any other targets," I argued.

"You don't know that," Edward said quietly. My thoughts were frantic. "If they returned and one of them lost control it wouldn't matter what they would or would not do, it would be an all out brawl."

"So talk to Sam, he can keep them from even coming near here if he wants to," I argued. Both Alice and Edward looked at me strangely. I knew I had told Edward about it years ago, but of course he didn't remember.

"Sam is the alpha, he leads the pack, and his word is law, literally. If he tells the rest of the pack they can't do something, they physically _can't_," I explained. Edward and Alice looked at each other, their silent conversation passing between them and then looked back at me.

"So you're saying that if Sam tells them they cannot go after any vampires until he gives his say so…" Edward began.

"They would have no choice. Sam could tell them not to and it would give us as much time as we need to figure this all out," I finished for him.

"And if we don't?" Alice asked.

"Then we can tell Sam to let the pack loose."

"He would never even let us come near him, let alone actually listen to anything we had to say," Edward said. He and Alice glanced at me automatically, as if on cue.

"But he knows you, and you also just so happen not to be his arch-nemesis," Alice observed.

"I certainly could," I said, thinking about it. I was wondering whether Sam would really listen to me either. I had left them, after all. I had put Jacob in the place he was now and left him to deal with chaos. I didn't know how receptive he would be to my pleas, but it didn't matter. It wasn't as though I would refuse to try. When I saw Emily the next day I would ask to see Sam so I could ask him to keep the pack in check, at least for now.

"When I see Emily I will see what I can do," I promised.

"Are you afraid?" Alice asked. I nodded. Of course I was. Seeing Emily was one thing, she had always been on my side. But Sam…I didn't even know what he thought of my affair. I was sure he wasn't in favor of it, seeing as it was behind the back of his second and arguably his best friend. But he had never said a word about it really, one way or the other. I suppose after everyone had found out about it he didn't feel the need to lecture me on impropriety seeing as I was grieving.

"You'll be just fine, my love," Edward assured me. I shrugged off his guarantees.

"I don't know about that. I haven't ever really given him a reason to like me. First I have an affair behind Jacob's back with their sworn enemy of all people, and then I leave, making Jacob into the violence oriented man he is today. I don't know how big a fan he is of mine, especially recently. Not to mention I am asking him to do me a favor on your behalf."

"True. And of course I would tell you how it will go, but being a werewolf, Sam blocks my visions," Alice said, tapping her temple. Alice stayed with us for a while. Eventually Esme called me down to eat something from the mass of food the boys had picked up. Even though they didn't eat the majority of the family gathered around the table to just spend time together. The sisters even came in and out, talking to us casually. After a while of socializing and eating too much of Esme's miraculously amazing cooking, I went off to bed.

Edward of course followed me, allowing me the necessary time to change and then following me to bed, lying by my side. I fall asleep listening to him hum a song I didn't recognize.

When I woke up I realized I had plans for the day for the first time in weeks. And of course I missed Emily and the idea of seeing her again, actually being able to spend time with her made me ecstatic, but I was also afraid. How could I ask her and her family to do something for me now? I dressed and ate thinking of what I could say to Sam to make him do what needed to be done.

"What's on your mind, love?" Edward asked quietly as I ate my breakfast.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked. He smiled softly and nodded. I confessed my fears to him in the way only Edward could make me.

"Be honest and as genuine as you always are and I promise you'll have nothing to be afraid of," he assured me. It was amazing how his words could echo my own internal encouragement, but they hardly meant a thing until I heard them from his mouth. I took his words to heart and eventually, it was time to leave. Edward ran me to town and told me he would wait on the path until I was ready to come home. I nodded and he kissed me gently before letting me go off on my own.

I met Emily right where I had found her the day before, walking through town. We embraced again when we found each other. It was so nice to see her.

"Bella, how are you?" she asked.

"Not well, actually," I confessed. She looked at me, puzzled.

"Where can we talk without having got worry about being overheard?" I asked. She thought for a moment.

"My parents are here shopping and Sam is out convening with some of the pack, the house should be empty for a while and we can talk there."

I nodded and we went on our way. We walk out of town and down a road for a while until we arrived at a pristine white cottage, sitting surrounded by flowering gardens. It was picturesque to say the least. She led me into the house through the front door, bringing me into a quaint parlor. We both took seats ad without hesitation I explained what was happening. Obviously she knew pats of it, the sides of the pack, what Jacob had been doing. But she hadn't known there had actually been deaths or that my family was suspected of them. I told her about Jacob and that he had come to us the day before, accusing the family of killing humans. She seemed genuinely surprised by this.

"I cant believe he would go so far as to confront you without Sam's knowing and to bring Alexander…you're lucky Edward was able to alert them when he was coming close to snapping. He has literally an inch of control over himself. Anything more than that and he simply can't manage," she told me. I nodded. I had noticed. We sat in a silence after that. Eventually Emily sighed.

"Somehow, Bella, I feel as though there is something else you want to say," Emily prompted.

"I need Sam to tell the pack to hold off on taking any sort of action toward my family. We need to figure out what is happening here, who is killing people. They didn't do this and we need time to figure out who did," I admitted, avoiding her eyes.

"I don't understand why you think you need Sam for this," she replied.

"I need him to use his authority as the alpha."

"Bella, that's a lot to ask of him."

"I know. But what if he doesn't? What if Jacob or Alexander gets impatient and just comes after them?"

"They aren't stupid enough to do something like that," she informed me, seeming a bit miffed.

"They came yesterday. They came and looked angry enough to attack us. Emily, I don't want anyone to get hurt. Edward and his family didn't kill anyone. They want to find out who did this as much as you do. So let us help and when we do, you can have them, or we can help you take them out. But please, I need to ask him for this favor."

She stared at me for a long time, as though she was trying to make sense of my request.

"I obviously cannot stop you, but I don't know what he will say to such a request," she told me finally. I nodded. I wasn't asking for anything more than the chance to ask him. We talked after that for a while. We ate a light lunch that she made for us and spoke of our lives. It was incredible how things could change so rapidly and drastically in what seemed like such a short amount of time. My life was obviously completely different. I lived in a different place with a different set of people, living a completely different lifestyle. But even though Emily was still where she had been physically before I left, she seemed to have changed, aged perhaps.

"Sam and I have been fighting a lot. The pack is at odds, which puts him on edge, which means we fight. Alexander is testing my patience at every turn and Jacob is hardly ever home, which means that all the responsibilities fall on Sam and sometimes even me. You just found your family and I feel like mine is falling apart," she confessed. I sighed sadly.

"Perhaps when this madness with the other vampires is settled something like peace will return," I suggested. She nodded and shrugged. She was about to say something else when we both heard the front door open. We both looked to the doorway, and a moment later Sam was standing before us.

"Emily, I cannot believe that…oh, hello, Bella," he said, his voice changing considerably from the agitated strain to a surprise.

"Hello, Sam, how have you been?" I replied, trying to be polite.

"It's been difficult these past few weeks, but I am sure Emily told you all about that. Actually, I wanted to talk to you, well perhaps not you, your…family. I didn't know that Jacob and the others came to your house yesterday. They should never have done that, especially not with Alexander. I'm afraid Jacob hasn't really been thinking clearly lately," he said. His voice sounded apologetic, but I knew he would never actually apologize for it. They were only vampires to him. They meant nothing.

"So I have heard. But actually, Sam, I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor," I said timidly.

"Sure," he replied without any sort of hesitation.

"Carlisle and Edward and…my whole family I guess, they all want time to figure out who is killing. And I know this is a lot to ask of you, especially after…everything that has happened, but I am asking you, _begging_ you to please tell the pack to leave my family alone, all of them."

"Yesterday is not an event that will be repeated, Bella. I can assure you of that. I spoke to them all today, they gave me their word," he said.

"That's not good enough."

"I think that is a little harsh," Sam commented, a dark look crossing his face.

"Do you think that I like having to say that? Do you think I like having to feel like I can't trust my friends? I don't. But you didn't see them, Sam. They were so ready to just avenge the deaths of the humans that have been murdered even though my family didn't do anything."

"We don't know that."

"Then let us prove it. Please just give us time to show you that it isn't us. _Please_, Sam, I am begging you. If you want me to get on my knees and beg I will do it."

"Don't be ridiculous," he murmured with a sigh. He rubbed his mouth impatiently as he thought for a moment, his eyes far off.

"And if you can't give me any proof it wasn't your family?" he asked. I shrugged. I hadn't thought that far ahead. All I wanted now was time. It wasn't as though there was some count down hanging above our heads, the threat of a werewolf attack if we didn't figure things out in a certain amount of time. But I knew that Jacob was tenacious. If he wanted something he would hang on to it and try and try until he finally got what he wanted. If he didn't, he would just keep on going. If people were dying and Jacob suspected my family he would never back down until he was given something hard and tangible as proof that it wasn't them.

"I know you can do it, Sam, the same way you keep them from telling anyone about your secret," I muttered softly.

"They won't be happy about it."

"I know. Blame me, if you must. But please, just do this one thing for me."

He sighed again.

"Because Emily cares about you and I know how worried she would be about you if an accident did happen. But only because you're human and this affects you. It isn't for _them_, let me assure you," he said, punctuating his last words. I nodded fervently.

"I understand," I said. I was surprised that he was doing anything for me at all, that he had agreed to this. But he nodded.

"Then you have my word. They won't touch you or your family," he assured me. I nodded once more, unaware of how to express my gratitude. I was of course insanely appreciative of his willingness to help me protect my family. He didn't think of it as protecting them, only as protecting me in what would be an inevitably bad situation for me if an accident occurred. Of course he was right; there was always the chance that something could happen to me. But I wasn't worried about something happening to me. I was terrified of something happening to my family, and most of all, of something happening to Edward. I had just gotten him back, just gotten his love again. If I lost him again I would simply die. I couldn't go through that kind of pain twice. It wasn't humanly possibly for a person to survive that much hurt.

"Thank you," I whispered. He nodded absently, looked at Emily with some sort of meaning in his eyes and then walked out of the room. A moment later I could hear his steps on the stairs.

"I'm surprised at him," Emily confessed.

"So am I."

"I hope you are right, Bella. I hope they aren't hurting anyone," Emily said.

"I know they aren't."

She nodded with a smile. There was a long moment then, where neither of us spoke.

"Maybe I should be getting home," I said quietly.

"Yes…I think Sam wants to talk to me anyway," she muttered. We both stood and walked awkwardly to the front door. We stood together for a minute.

"I will miss you, Bella," she admitted.

"I will miss you too, Emily. But I don't think this is the last time I will see you," I said casually. She smiled sadly. She didn't believe me.

"At least I can actually say goodbye to you this time," she said with a small smile. We embraced once more. When we separated again she was smiling genuinely.

"Until next time," I said with a grin. She nodded and let me go on my way. I walked away, back down the road and through town. I found the small wooded path that we always took on the way from home to town and back again. And while I walked, expecting to find Edward any second, I thought. I didn't know exactly how we were going to find out who was murdering humans, but we had to figure it out eventually. If we didn't deaths would continue and there might be some peril to my family, and possibly myself. But of course, as always, I didn't care in the least about my own safety. It was not as important as making sure everyone else was aright and wouldn't get hurt. As far as I was concerned, Sam's guarantee could promise me that for a while.

I was so deep in thought that I didn't even notice Edward standing in the path until I was close enough to touch him.

"Oh my—don't scare me like that!" I exclaimed, putting my hand over my chest, trying to calm my flittering heart.

"I have been standing here, watching you walk down the path. It isn't my fault if you are particularly unobservant," he said with a grin. I sighed and smiled back at him. We began to walk and his hand grasped mine almost unconsciously. I explained to Edward hat Sam had given me his word on forbidding the pack from coming after the family.

We had our time.

"We'll find them, Bella, don't you worry," Edward assured me, kissing the top of my head.

I nodded. We had to find them. If we didn't I could lose something precious to me. Even if I wasn't a vampire, I was going to fight for them in the only ways I could.

I refused to lose any of them again.

But even with Edward's assurance I still felt strangely in doubt. What if we couldn't find them, what if we couldn't stop the deaths, what if Sam retracted his order to the pack and Jacob or Alexander decided that even if we weren't the ones who were killing people we were still better off dead?

Edward stopped walking suddenly, grabbing hold of me to keep me from continuing on without him and kissed me before I knew what was happening. It took me less than five seconds to realize what was happening before I started kissing him back. We separated not long after, my breathing uneven and ragged, my trecherous human heart beating practically out of my rib cage.

"Stop worrying so much," he commanded me softly. I nodded.

I would try to stop worrying so much, but only for him.

Anything for him.

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**hope you liked it1 I didnt end with a cliffy in this one, because the next cliffy I DO leave you with...well you might be angry with me. O.o**


	19. Waiting Game

**Hey guys! sorry this update took me so long! I have been battling some pretty intense writers block lately, but fear not, the next chapter is here!! oh and ps, I posted a third chapter on 'Forget Me Not' so if you get curious or bored, check it out!**

**enjoy the chapter!

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**Days passed in the most sluggish, stifling tension I had ever experienced. Everyone was afraid to speak too loud or move too much. We all retreated to our corners of the house, only venturing outside them when it was completely necessary. Edward and I would spend my every waking moment in the other's company having retreated to my bedroom. If we left it was almost always together and never for very long. We ran into the other members of his family every so often when we went downstairs to get me some food, but mostly we were alone, talking, kissing, just spending time with the other.

The only person we did not see at all was Alice. She was in hers and Jasper's room constantly, focusing on trying to get a vision. No one wanted to disturb her. Even Jasper spent the majority of his time away from their bedroom so he could leave her to concentrate on her visions. We all knew how frustrated she was with herself for not being able to see anything thus far and how important it was to her that she find something. No one wanted to get in her way. Even the sisters who were usually up to create something marvelously fun out of the drab were too wary to interrupt her. Their muted characteristics surprised me most of all. It was so unlike them to be subdued.

For our part Edward and I could do nothing but sit and wait. We obviously enjoyed spending time with each other, but it was nerve wracking to know that there was nothing we could do. Edward most of all found it infuriating that he couldn't just go _fix_ things. Obviously he knew things were not that easy, but that didn't stop him from wanting them to be. I understood his impatience. But as I found myself reminding both him and myself, there was nothing we could do for now. He tried convincing Carlisle that they could go back towards town and stay in the old house and try to hunt down the other vampires. But of course Carlisle argued it would be far too dangerous. We didn't know how large a group it was that was killing humans, or how far they were from the town. If they were a large group or too close to town it could be catastrophic. All these things Edward knew, but he was so restless it was driving him up the wall.

In truth, his restlessness, combined with my own nerves, was driving _me_ up a wall as well. I couldn't stand just doing nothing. Even though I knew that for me, the puny human, there was literally nothing I _could_ do, I wanted to try and help somehow. Edward reminded me that I had helped them by getting Sam to prevent the pack from coming after us, but it still didn't feel like enough. I knew in the end of it, I couldn't do a single thing. I couldn't fight against the other vampires. When the eventual conflict came to be, I would be able to do nothing but sit and wait for it to be done. I wanted to help now to make up for not being able to help later. I didn't confess that to Edward. I knew if he found out about any thoughts such as those he would find it necessary to take the time to explain to me that I was not inadequate.

But as time went on I was beginning to feel like I was. There were so any things I couldn't do, so many things that Edward and his family would have to do for me. I didn't want to be a burden on them in the least, but they all insisted it was not an issue. Of course, I felt like it was. I had to be extremely careful not to hurt myself and tempt them with my blood. If we went anywhere someone had to carry me as we ran. I was weaker, slower, less graceful, and more needy than any of them. The disparity between us didn't escape me and of course it didn't escape them either, but they seemed happy to make due with caring for the human because it made Edward happy. And of course I loved him more than anything. But I had begun to realize something he didn't seem to want to accept. There would come a day when something would happen to tear us apart. I would get hurt and living in a house full of vampires would catch up with me. I would grow old and die, just like every other human. Or the difference between us would finally make him realize that this could never work.

This fear began to creep into my mind slowly. It was another thing I didn't mention to Edward for fear it would lead to either a huge argument or I would have to see that look on his face, the unmasked hurt made me ill to look at. He had enough of his own demons; he didn't need to deal with mine. But the longer we stayed in that house, not being able to do a single thing, the harder it became not to admit how I was feeling.

I was on the verge of it. Edward and I were lying together in my bed, just talking, his fingers weaving lazily in and out of my hair. I sighed as he was telling me a story about he and Emmett on some hunting trip before he came back for me. He was right in the middle of speaking when I sat straight up.

"I have to tell you something," I blurted out. He looked at me quizzically. I paused, unsure of how to continue. I didn't know how to tell him that the more I thought of our future, the less sure I became that we would have one. Whether by the decisions we made or some twist of fate beyond our control, I was beginning to fear that this love that I had found again was not going to last.

"I just don't―" I began.

"I HAVE IT!" Alice's voice rang out through the entire upper floor of the house, filled with triumph. She had seen something. We of course rushed downstairs to the living room where everyone was already. Alice was standing there looking exuberant. There was noting about her that would make you think she hadn't left her room for the past week, maybe more. Her eyes were black but shining, an ecstatic smile on her face.

As we drew closer Edward's pace slowed and his face got that same look of distinct concentration. He was reading Alice's mind, seeing her vision. When he was done his expression evened out again, flattening into stoicism. His fingers curled around my own and I looked to Alice, who was practically bursting.

"There aren't many of them, only three. They are going to go tonight to a small house in the woods outside of town, near our old house actually. I can find it and we can intercept them before they kill anyone," she said with confidence.

Everyone nodded and no one asked the question on their minds. What about the werewolves? We had promised them we would come to them when we had any sort of information.

"I can tell them," I said slowly. Everyone looked to me but no one was confused. There was no question as to who 'they' were.

"We should all go, really. If we leave now there is plenty of time to do everything," Alice said matter-of-factly. There was a general murmur of agreement, and then there was motion. It was strange to hear and see so much going on when all I had known for days now was deliberate silence. But we all moved outside quickly, talking loudly, happy to just be able to move again. The entire world seemed as though it was on a standstill. Now things were back in glorious motion and they were all excited.

Except Edward. His face was still sullen and anxious though I couldn't tell why. I squeezed his hand in mine, hoping to brighten him but it only worked for a moment. A ghost of a smile flickered over his face but collapsed back into the same sullen expression it had been before. I wanted to ask him why, what was happening to upset him so, but before I had the chance we were leaving. Edward hoisted me onto his back without a second thought and began running. As always I closed my eyes and pulled myself as tightly as was possible.

Time passed much more quickly than I thought it would. Edward slowed and stopped after what seemed like minutes. When I opened my eyes Edward was gently setting me down right outside his old house. His family was all appearing beside me, their movements slowing to a pace a human eye could follow.

"Well, I think perhaps now is as good a time as any to alert the werewolves," Carlisle said calmly when we were all gathered again.

"I'll go," I said again, reiterating my words from earlier. Everyone looked at me.

"I'll go with you. They are going to need my vision," Alice said taking a step to me. Edward's hold around me tightened. I went to go to Alice, to walk to the house I had promised myself I would not see again but Edward's arm around me was tight.

"We're going together," he said, his voice a question more than anything else. I shook my head.

"The pack wont like it that I have to bring one of you, but to see _you_ of all people would push the limits. Sam ordered them to behave but I don't want to cause unnecessary discomfort," I told him. His brow furrowed. He was unhappy with my answer. But he let me go.

I could feel the reluctance in his gestures and it felt like more than just his usual unwillingness to let me go. I glanced at him over my shoulder and saw that same gloomy disposition coloring his face. It made me uncomfortable to see him looking so, but I had to go right then. So with a final look behind me I began to walk with Alice. Her naturally steady pace slowed to an amble as soon as we were far enough from the house she knew no one would hear us.

"Why am I having visions of you and Edward fighting?" she asked me without turning to face me. I blanched. She must have seen what would happen if I ever told Edward what I had been thinking earlier that day before her vision came.

"I…I don't know, Alice. I know he loves me, and he knows I love him. But I just ant get past how _different_ we are. He always has to take care of me, do things for me, be so careful around me. What happens if I hurt myself and he tries to kill me, Alice? What about when I'm eighty and he still looks like an eighteen year old?"

Alice looked at me then, her pitch colored eyes brooding. It looked as though she had thought of many the same things as I had. And yet she didn't answer. We continued to walk for a while in silence before we got to the house. I could see its outline through the trees and my heart immediately sped up. I could feel myself tremble.

Alice rubbed my back soothingly like any sister would and smiled.

"No need to be nervous, Bella. I'm sure you will be received well, politely at the very least," she said quietly as we broke through the edge of trees. If I hadn't known better I would have sworn the earth was shaking beneath my feet as I took every step. Years of my life had been lost to those walls, the gardens, the hills. I had friends and some even family within the walls that had kept me, but it had been a prison even still. I was on the outside looking in, but it did not remove my memories of watching out those windows and hoping to see Edward.

"I love him, Alice," I said as we drew steadily nearer. She looked at me and then glanced at the house again, perhaps wondering if it was the structure that forced me to state the obvious. "I love him more than anything. You know…you know it as much as anyone. I don't want to fight with him, Alice. But I don't know how to fix what is becoming a growing shadow in my mind either."

She turned to me then and smiled gently in reassurance.

"Talk to him, Bella," was all she said before a door was opened before us, before we had even reached it. Sam and Jacob steeped outside quietly and with such haste I feared something had gone wrong. But it became apparent that it was only a need to get this task done with in a hurry that caused their speed.

"I assume your presence here means you have some information," Sam said, standing still with a stoic face. I nodded. Alice explained about her vision. She told them where the vampires would be and when. Sam made an agreement to meet up with my family later that night, before the attack was going to be made upon the house in the woods. The conversation was terse, uncomfortable to say the most. Jacob for his part didn't say a single thing the entire time. I remembered the last time we had spoken, the sad resignation in his eyes. He wouldn't even look at me now. I had chosen, he had always known that. But I guess to see me there with him after all this time, to watch me defend him and his family with such fervor must have renewed that wound.

"We will see you tonight then," Sam said quickly. Alice nodded, her face equally as grim, and then as though by silent cue, both parties turned and separated, leaving the other at its back. Alice walked again with the swiftness Bella associated with the vampires she knew and kept a light jog to keep up.

"I cannot see a damned thing!" Alice exclaimed, clearly angry at her lack of visions again. She muttered under her breath about the werewolves and how they got in the way of her visions. I didn't say anything, only walked beside her and agreed when it was polite to.

When we returned to the house Edward was still waiting outside, watching the woods for us. When we emerged he leapt up from his casual stance and crossed the yard to us. There was urgency in his motion as though something had happened. Why was everyone looking so severe? Jacob and Sam looked as though there was some sort of monster—pardoning the pun, of course—at their tails and Edward had the same look about him.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked as he swept me into his arms. He leaned over and kissed the hollow beneath my ear.

"We should speak," he said quietly. I nodded and he led me away, back into the trees from which I had so recently emerged.

"Edward, what is going on?" I asked. I had never been so confused by him as I was at that moment. Before I left with Alice he seemed possessive but solemn, and now he was pulling me along to some unknown location to talk to me.

"Not yet," he answered without looking at me. I sighed and walked with him without asking any more questions. If he were determined to keep it from me he would do well with it.

When we finally stopped it was in a clearing in the middle of the woods. There was a fire ring in the middle of it as though someone had camped here several times. Edward let go of my hand and collapsed upon the ground, imploring me to do the same with the look in his topaz eyes. I folded my legs beneath me and waited for him to say something and let me know exactly what was going on here. He sighed, glanced down at his hands and then back up at me.

"Marry me, Bella."

"Edward―" I began in utter shock.

"Hear me out before you say no," he begged. I couldn't say a single word.

"Bella, something has been wrong between us in the past few days, I have felt it and I know you have felt it as well. I don't need Jasper to tell me that. And I cannot tell you what it does to me feeling so far away from the woman I love. Because I do love you, you know that." His hands framed my face and closed my eyes against his icy touch. "I cannot imagine a single moment without you for the rest of eternity. I refuse to be without you. I just wont do it. I made you wait for me for years. You could never understand how sorry I am for that hurt, for…the pain I saw in you in the memories of those around you. Please, _please_, let me spend eternity making it up to you."

It took a long moment for his words to properly sink in. he wanted me to marry him. But not only that, not only did he wish to take me as his _wife_, but the word eternity had come tumbling from betwixt his perfect lips.

"You mean to tell me you want―"

"To have you with me, forever, until whatever end we meet with," he said slowly, emphasizing his speech in its slowness. Ever so slowly I put my hands atop his and slid them off my face until his hands were between mine. His face was held in perfect ambiguity, not betraying whatever his thoughts were as I looked into his eyes and thought of a way to tell him what was going through my mind.

"And earlier, when you seemed so upset?" I asked. He smiled sadly.

"There was something coming between us and I didn't know how to fix it. It disturbed me that we had been away from each other for so long and now that we have each other again, something was going wrong. But that is when I decided that I never want to be away from you again."

A long moment passed and I sighed, digging up the courage to say what I needed to say.

"I had nothing but memories and prayers for years, Edward." My body shook as I sighed, letting out a slow breath. "I don't ever want to feel that way again. You have to promise me, _promise_ me, Edward, that wont ever happen again."

"I don't know if you have noticed, but we vampires are incredibly obstinate creatures, once we make up our minds, it is nearly impossible to change it. There is no force in heaven or hell that could make me love you any less than I do right now, or make me want a single creature other than you anywhere on the face of this planet. Agree to be with me for forever and I promise, I swear on my soul, wherever it might be, that I will never leave you again."

I sighed and bent my forehead to his and closed my eyes.

"Ask me again," I whispered. I opened my eyes.

"Bella Swan, please do me the honor of being my wife," he said quietly.

"Yes."

Edward grinned like and idiot and covered my face in soft kisses, telling me he loved me after each and every one. He was sending shocks through my whole body with every one.

When his lips finally found mine they were soft and slow. The kiss sealed my answer and grew more impassioned. His hand slid around the back of my neck and he rose to his knees, taking me with him. The motion brought our bodies in contact as fully as was possible in the position we were in. His free hand was on the small of my back, his arm sliding around my waist, holding me flush against his body. His lips tore from mine, separating before desperately returning to my face, trailing hot kisses down my neck. I opened my mouth to inhale and feed my oxygen-starved body. Shortly after I gasped a breath Edward's mouth found mine again. I answered the second passionate kiss by twisting my fingers in his auburn hair.

I heard a low growl and then he pulled away roughly, panting hard on his hands and knees. I put my fingers to my mouth and breathed deep, trying to calm my heart. It felt like it was beating out of my chest, so fast and hard it was sure to beat a whole straight through my ribs. He hadn't kissed me or touched me like that in years. Every part of me felt literally on fire. I was shaking all over.

"Perhaps we should go home before I lose the last bit of my control," Edward said. He was shaking all over, his body twitching something awful as he breathed in short, erratic gasps. He rose to his feet and helped me to my own. We looked at each other for a moment. He sighed and closed his eyes, bringing my wrists to his face and inhaling. His eyelids fluttered but when he let his breath out he seemed more relaxed.

"Better?" I asked quietly.

"Much, my love. Now, lets go back home. I'm sure Esme will be just thrilled to hear about this," he said gently. He released one of my hands, keeping the other securely enclosed in his and we walked leisurely back to the house. I half expected Alice to be standing outside, waiting for us, already knowing what had occurred while we were talking. But no one was there. We got inside and it was quiet. Obviously not empty, but there wasn't anyone sitting in the open.

Edward sighed with a smile.

"You can come out now. We weren't fighting," Edward said. There was a minute of nothing, and then in what seemed like a moment his family gathered around us. Not just his siblings and parents either, the sisters, Carmen and Eleazar flocked to us as well. That had known something was going on if Edward wanted to talk to me away from the house, and apparently they had thought we were fighting.

But he had just proposed to me. I could hardly believe it. He wanted me to be his wife, and not only that, he wanted me to be with him for eternity, he _wanted_ to change me. I felt a thrill run through me at the very thought of being his wife, of being with him forever. It terrified me to the core, but it also excited me. It was the only logical thing we could do, and I had known it from the moment I realized he wanted me to stay with him. It had only been reinforced by my latest musings and the problems I had seen on our horizons.

Was this why Alice had wanted me to talk to him?

Edward glanced slyly at me with a slight grin and then sighed.

"Bella is going to be my wife," Edward stated. I heard the amusement in his voice, coupled with the pride of his words. I grinned unconsciously.

"Oh this is just lovely!" Esme exclaimed, before throwing her arms around us both. There was a round of congratulations from the entire family.

"Looks like you have managed to snare him, Bella, don't let him go," Tanya said to me sweetly.

"I have absolutely no intention of it," I told her. She smiled at me knowingly.

"Think you are ready to be a married man, Edward?" Irina asked. He looked at me and then looked back at her.

"There is no doubt in my mind."

"I'll bet you're happy we went shopping now," Kate whispered to me. I opened my mouth to reply but thought better of it and said nothing, ignoring the chuckle I heard from Edward. He was surely remembering the pile of lingerie I had unwittingly obtained that was currently sitting in a drawer back at home.

"I think we can discuss that later," Edward murmured in my ear. I suppressed some laughter and nodded silently. We spent the rest of the early evening talking about the wedding. Esme and Alice were obsessing over details, the dress the flowers, the location. I let them fuss over it. It wasn't that I didn't want to be a part of planning my own wedding. It wasn't the same as it had been with Jacob. This was my choice. Marrying Jacob had been against my will. Planning that wedding made me physically ill, it was only a reminder of the fate I didn't want. But this…this was something I wanted. I love Edward. If he wanted me to be his wife, there was no way I could say no.

But before I knew it, conversations about the wedding needed to cease. They needed to go meet the werewolves to intercept the group of vampires that had been killing.

"Esme will stay with you," Edward informed me. I sighed worriedly.

"Why cant you?" I asked.

"They are going to need me for my talents, Bella. Don't worry, I will be fine. I made you a promise; I don't intend to break it," he answered. I sighed in resignation.

"Be careful," I commanded him. He smiled and brushed his lips across mine, promising me silently. With that they all left. I walked outside with them and watched them go, disappearing into the woods. Everyone but Esme, who gave me a wide smile and then informed she was going to go into the sitting room and invited me to join her.

"Bella, I must admit, I am surprised that Edward asked you to marry him. But of course I am beyond pleased. You two are…connected. I don't think you would ever be happy without each other. I know Edward never was."

I looked at her quizzically.

"He remembered you in bits and pieces, little memories coming to him one at a time. But as soon as that first one hit him, I think he was in love with you. He couldn't focus on anything but you. And then he was so determined to find you. Carlisle warned him what might have happened—what was inevitable marriage, or that you might not even be where we left you. But you should have seen the look on his face, the resolve in his eyes. He just looked straight at us and said 'I'll find her.' never an ounce of doubt in him. And you, my dear…I can't imagine what it would feel like waiting for a man the way you waited for my son. You are meant for each other, Bella, I know it."

I felt tears well in my eyes to hear her say such things. I knew she liked me, that she had always liked me, but to hear her voice her approval so explicitly made my heart swell. I mouthed thank you and wiped the tears from my face. She smiled at me and nodded knowingly.

After that it was a waiting game. Neither of us knew what was going to happen, or how long it would take for it to happen. We amused ourselves by sitting around and talking, Esme and I, for almost two hours. Suddenly her head cocked to the side and her expression perked. She must have been hearing something. But a confused expression crossed her face then. Before I could ask her what was happening, a knock sounded on the door.

I rose to answer it. When I opened the door Jacob's looming form was in the doorway, his face solemn.

"Jacob, I thought you were going after the vampires tonight," I said in bewilderment. He nodded and opened his mouth before slowly closing it again.

"What happened?" I asked, suddenly horrified and terribly distressed. His face did not denote good news.

"I…"

"What, Jacob, please tell me," I begged.

"E…Emily is dead."


	20. Yin and Yang

**Hellllooo my readers!! I know, I know, its been FOREVER since I have updated, and I am SO SO SORRY about that. believe me. Im not going to make excuses, it is what it is. but here! a new chapter!!! yay!!**

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My mouth opened. I wanted to ask him how it happened but nothing came out. I was dimly aware of the tears that had burned in my eyes and were now cascading down my face in streams. Somewhere inside me I could feel my legs shaking, almost unable to keep me standing. I felt myself sway and then my knees buckled beneath me as I careened forward. Jacob caught me, righting me and then walked me inside, supporting my weight with an arm around me. Esme of course had heard what he said. She might have been displeased with Jacob's presence in her house, but for me she tolerated it. She gazed upon me with such pity in her eyes. 

Jacob helped me sit and then with a glance for permission from Esme, he sat down himself. I could see him try to start telling me what had happened a few times before he found he had not the words. Eventually tears completely clouded my eyes and so I just shut them and felt the heat of tears slide down my cheeks.

"We were on our way to meet your family," Jacob said slowly. I looked up at him, opening my eyes and wiping tears away. Jacob took a slow, shaking breath. "We caught the scent of the murdering bastards on our way to rendezvous with your family. We thought we could catch up with them and take care of them right there.

"But they separated. We lost their trail. I don't know how they managed to slip by us, but they did. So we decided to meet back home to regroup. Most of the time we could just communicate with our minds, but Alexander's thoughts are too scattered still. He's too young. So we met back at home. Sam and I decided to still go meet up with the le—your family to at least tell them what was happening. But they must have followed us back they must have…"

Jacob focused on his breathing again and I saw tears slip from his eyes. I knew what Emily meant to him, how close they had always been. She was like his sister. To talk about her death must have been ripping him apart.

"We left her alone in the house. We left her alone while we went to meet up with everyone else. And then while we were there…Alice had some sort of psychic vision and she told us to go home. But when we got there…they killed her, Bella. They killed Emily and we led them to her and left her alone for them to have."

There was more silence then, broken only by the sound of mine and Jacob's breathing. It hurt to think, let alone speak. I remembered the last time I had seen her and what I had said. _I will miss you too, Emily. But I don't think this is the last time I will see you._

How wrong I had been. And how it hurt to know that now.

_At least I can actually say goodbye to you this time_.

I closed my eyes against the wave of pain that ran through me as I thought of her last words to me.

"Bella, say something," Jacob pleaded.

"How is Sam?" I asked, forcing my voice from my throat.

"He's a wreck."

"And the pack?"

"In mourning."

"And you?"

Jacob looked at me for a moment, his eyes catching mine and in that single second I understood. He was in pain. And beside that, so was everyone else. He was the second in command as far as everyone was concerned. If Sam was out of commission as the alpha, it would be up to Jacob to make the decisions. In tragedy he was suddenly shoved into a role he wasn't ready for while he was still grieving.

My body shook as I held down another sob. There was silence again.

"Where is everyone?" I asked tentatively.

"Sam and the pack are at the house…I think your family is with them. I came here to…to tell you. Because I didn't want anyone else to tell you, I didn't want…she was ours, you know?"

I nodded. She _had_ been ours. Emily was something Jacob and I shared, even though I had tried to limit what he and I shared in my memories. I could tell Edward about her all I wanted, but he hadn't ever known her.

"She's definitely…dead though, right? Not…not changed?" I asked as lightly as I could. Even still I saw Jacob shake and heard a minor growl in his throat. The idea of Emily—his pure, beautiful sister Emily—becoming something he considered evil made him furious.

"They didn't bite her. They…they snapped her neck. She's dead."

I wasn't quite sure what I should say. I was glad that she was not a vampire. As much as I loved her, and I certainly did, being a vampire was not something she ever would have wanted in a million years. She loved Sam and the boys too much to be something they hated. It would have killed her to be a vampire and be forced to be separated from them.

"Bella…"Jacob began. I looked back up at him, from where I had been staring at the floor. But I couldn't stand to see him for very long. The pain in his face was so horrifying and I knew very well that it mirrored my own. It hurt just to look at him. I opened my mouth—to tell him I was sorry, or something, anything at all to make him understand that I knew how he was feeling—but nothing came out. Before I found a way to muster some sort of strength to speak, the door came open.

Edward stood there, looking at the situation at hand. I could tell by the catch in his movements that he wasn't particularly happy with the scene, but that didn't stop him from crossing the room faster than I could follow and scooping me into his arms. I had never known him to be so wanton in his contact with me, but it didn't occur to me to be bothered or worried. I just let him hold me as I collapsed, literally, unable to move, shoving down the sobs that were rising to my throat with every last iota of strength that I had. He slowly ran his fingers through my hair, comforting me as best he could.

I don't know how long I stayed that way. I knew Jacob hadn't gone anywhere. I could tell in fact, that not a single person had moved since Edward had come inside. No one said anything either, but even in the silence it was like I could hear what was going on. There was tension there, but not so much that either man was willing upset me any further.

I fell asleep in his stony arms, drifted into unconscious with a few, erratic hiccupping sobs. My human body coped with loss and pain the only way it could manage it—with sleep. I welcomed it. As my father had always told me, the world would still be broken tomorrow.

When I woke up I was granted a single moment of forgetfulness, wondering why I was alone and where Edward was. And then I remembered what had transpired the night before. It felt as though someone had struck me. But before even a single tear fell from one of my eyes Edward opened the door and looked at me hesitantly.

"Bella?" he asked tentatively.

"That was real. She is really gone," I said, disbelief coloring my voice. His face was calm and unreadable, as though there was something just below the surface he was refusing to show me. I didn't ask just then, only storing it away to inquire about later. He said nothing at all, only stayed in his place across the room and stretched his arms out for me, beckoning me to come within them. I obeyed silently, finding my rightful place against his marble chest, taking what little comfort there was to be had for the moment in his arms. Still without words we agreed to walk downstairs, find the rest of his family—our family—who were all sitting around in the living room talking in hushed tones. Alice gave me a sympathetic look, but in her eyes too I saw a secret.

"We'll get them," was all she said, her tiny soprano of a voice hushed, as though we were trying not to disturb someone. I had a feeling it was more out of respect for the dead than anything else, but I said nothing, only nodded. Words seemed to escape me completely, besides the ones that restated the obvious. I tried to take heart in her reassurance, and for what her words were worth I did. I knew that the werewolves would not forgive the murder of one of their own, human as she might have been. I doubted that even my death, separated even though I was from them, would have gone without some sort of retribution. And of course, for their part, my family would refuse to just overlook the murder of humans anywhere near them. It was too dangerous to let things like that go unchecked in an area they lived near.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, as though I was the only one who didn't know what was going on. My curiosity and my grief battled for a minute, and in the end my curiosity won out.

"What are you all hiding?" I asked. My tone left no room for argument. They could try to lie to me all they wanted that they were doing no such thing, but they must have seen I was in no mood to be deceived. Alice looked past me to Edward, who in turn looked to his father. Carlisle looked directly at me.

"It is no longer safe for you to be human. It was never truly safe for you to be human, not in our company, but our idealism and hope made us fools. We will all, of course, understand if you choose to remain human. Jacob and the pack have already extended an invitation for you to stay with them should that indeed be the case. However, if you intend to stay with us, we have reached the conclusion that we have no choice but to change you."

I wondered briefly how it was that Carlisle managed to seem so diplomatic under such conditions, saying such things. His son growled quietly behind me, I could feel the rumbling more than I could hear it, but I knew already how unhappy the idea made him.

"Of course, any of these things would likely occur after the current threat is over with. You would be too vulnerable if we changed you now, more so than simply remaining human. Because of this, we as a whole would be weakened. Not that we would begrudge you such a thing, but it is the truth. For now we must remain whole and strong. This obviously gives you time to make your choice, such as it is, and decide your own future. Do you understand, Bella? You look a bit puzzled," Carlisle commented, the warmth, the fatherly blurring entered his voice once more, bringing with it the familiarity that had been missing.

"I understand, Carlisle. And thank you, for being honest with me. That's just a lot to process all at once, as I'm sure you can understand," I replied. I cold hear the absent quality I my own voice. I was sure I looked detached from an outside perspective, but what I was really thinking about was not what I should do, or what I wanted, to debating the change. That was the last thing on my mind. As soon as Edward had proposed to me my decision was made. We all knew what I would want. I wasn't sure what the time line Edward had in mind had been before all of this, but I was sure it certainly wasn't so quick as this. He liked my humanity, my blush and warm skin, my rosiness and human clumsiness.

But it wasn't the time line or the change itself that was weighing on my mind at that moment. I was wondering hat the pack had said to Carlisle or the family as a whole the night before to persuade them to such measures so quickly. Between Edward and Carlisle—Edward the passionately obstinate one, Carlisle the unfailingly levelheaded one—they would have had to come up with quite the argument to sway them to take such measures so soon. Anything that made any sort of sense would still set off Edward, and anything that appealed to his emotional opposition to such drastic solutions would have been destroyed by Carlisle's judgment. There must have been something that occurred that they had not told me to convince them all so readily. Edward, even in his quiet growl, had not protested all that much to the idea of my almost immediate transformation.

"What aren't you telling me?" I asked quietly, looking right at Carlisle when I did. He seemed to be the one speaking for the group at the moment; I turned to him to see what was happening.

He said nothing.

"Well?" I inquired, opening the floor to anyone who wanted to chime in. If Carlisle wasn't going to tell me surely one of them would. I felt Edward stiffen behind me and I turned and looked at him. His eyes were empty of anything, but that emptiness in and of itself gave away the fact that he was keeping something from me. I spun from him, taking an unnecessary step away as well.

"What are you all keeping from me?" I asked, the same knowing edge in my voice, just barely concealing the hysteria that lurked behind it.

"Don't you dare," I heard Edward growl, his voice low and menacing. I didn't understand what was happening for a moment, but then I looked at Rosalie, who's face was utterly defiant.

"She deserves to know, Edward. She already suspects something, what are we supposed to do, walk on eggshells with her because you don't think she can handle it? That's not fair. She isn't a child or incapable of understanding," she argued. I looked at Rosalie and implored with my eyes for her to just tell me what was going on. Clearly something had happened that Edward didn't feel I should know. But they hadn't done a good enough job hiding it from me.

"There was a note, Bella. The pack discovered it on Emily after they…after they found her. It said 'she's next'. Obviously the only she they could possibly mean is you. None of the rest of us are vulnerable enough for a threat like that to mean anything. We don't know how they know about you exactly, but that's beside the point at the moment. The point is, you're in danger. And even when this is all settled and done, you will always be in danger. Whether its one of us or someone else like this, we cant take that kind of risk. It isn't fair to you to be constantly on the edge about your own safety.

"Of course Jacob and some of the others had some very persuasive arguments about why you should just go back and live with them. But in the end it always came back to the fact that we all care about you, and that your fiancé would not be happy with you living in a house full of werewolves, let alone the fact that each of them happens to be a man, one of which is still in love with you. So we talked last night, and this is the solution we have come up with."

I stood, stunned for a long moment, and then nodded. I appreciate her honesty, more than she would ever realize, but for the moment I was far too staggered to say much of anything. I was next? They wanted to kill me? But why?

But of course, I already knew the answer to that. Edward ad told me that there were basically three different types of vampires in the world, so far as he could figure. There were the ones like him, 'vegetarian' and morally opposed to killing humans, the ones who killed humans to sustain themselves, not to be sadistic, and ten there were the last, the ones who killed for blood and for sport, because they could and they enjoyed it. This coven must have been of the last sort. They killed because they could, and I was their next target.

"You can understand, I'm sure, where Edward's concern lay in not wanting to disclose this to you," Rose finished, adding one last comment, sticking up for her brother. I smiled at that. She might not agree with him, but she protected him nonetheless.

I nodded. Of course I understood that he didn't want me knowing that I was in _more_ danger than everyday life brought me. And it wasn't as though that fact alone was going to change my decision. He just wanted to keep me safe, and surely figured that knowing such a thing would only compound the burden on my shoulders. And he was certainly right, knowing that the same people that murdered a good friend of mine were out to kill me next was not a pleasant thought, neither did it help me with my grief. It was only because he loved me so that he kept it from me. But Rosalie had her point; I deserved to know if there was some sort of target on my back.

"Perhaps you should eat something, Bella, you look awfully pale," Carlisle suggested gently. I said nothing, letting his idea interrupt my thoughts, and let Edward steer me toward the kitchen, where the few provisions were in this house. I sat at the table and Edward handed me an apple and a muffin, which I ate gratefully. Edward and Alice were the only ones in the kitchen with me, the others sat out in the living room as they had been before. I couldn't blame them. I was surely looking like I had gone insane over night. I was hardly speaking and I could almost feel how strange I looked. I was pale and I was sure the shadows under my eyes matched the ones on Edward's face. This pallor though, would not suit me as it suited him. He was made all the more beautiful by his apparent, albeit deceptive, frailty. I was not.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save her, Bella," Alice said quietly. I looked up at her questioningly.

"My vision…it was just too late. I thought they would get to her in time, but the other vampires must have already been in the house when the decided to kill her. There was no way they could have gotten to Emily on time. I'm sorry I couldn't have alerted them sooner."

I felt my face contort into a look of absolute disbelief.

"Alice Cullen, if such lunacy as that ever escapes your mouth again I swear I'll hit you, even if it breaks my arm. You just said it yourself—there is no way they could have gotten to her. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen until they themselves made the choices that led to it. I wont have you shouldering blame for this. Leave it to those actually responsible, do you hear me?" I said, my voice so much stronger than I had thought it would be. Alice's face had frozen I complete shock for a long moment and then she let out a high-pitched laugh. She smiled wide at me when she stopped and shook her head.

"Now there is the Bella I know," she said with a sense of triumph. And even though there was fear and pain and loss filling my heart just then, I smiled back at her, something genuine. She ruffled my hair gently and kissed my forehead in a sisterly way and then walked out of the room, leaving Edward and I to our own devices.

"Are you still hungry?" he asked as he sat across from me, sliding into the chair with more grace than I could ever muster, even, I was sure, after I was changed. I shook my head and he looked at me for a long moment, clearly displeased with something. I stretched my hand across the table, which he automatically covered with his own, his eyes not losing their look of discontentment.

"What vexes you, my love?" I inquired softly. He suppressed a small smile and shook his head.

"Only that the woman I love, is in danger and in pain, all because of what I am. How can I offer you eternity when all I have given you is this?" he asked, gesturing about him with the hand that was not secured on my own. I shook my head and looked him in the eyes, trying to lock them to mine.

"You shouldn't worry so much," I told him, remembering how he had said similar things to me before I went to talk to Sam and see Emily. His encouragement was all I ever really needed to quell my nerves.

"And how should I manage that? Killers threaten your life and all you can say is 'don't worry'? So now I must protect you from being murdered of all things, by vile creatures I have to ashamedly claim to be of the same species as, and then as soon as that threat has passed, one of many as far as we are all concerned, I have to kill you myself. You'll wake up of course, but you wont be the same for a long time. Tell me, Bella, tell me what I can do to stop worrying so much," he said, and for a moment I thought he was mocking me, but the desperation in his eyes, the earnest quality of his words betrayed the real intent behind his speech. He was genuinely pleading with me to help him. He was lost and he was asking me what to do.

"Edward, I lived with werewolves for three years, I was five feet away when you got attacked by one, and now I have lived in a house full of vampires for months. I walked into what could have been a battle royal between both sides of that and I'm happy to say I escaped unscathed. I know you would never let a single thing happen to me, and neither would your family or Jacob and the pack either. If I know he and Sam they will both be completely focused on finding and killing the murdering bastards as soon as possible. So when I say don't worry, it isn't because I am being naïve. I am saying it because I know that there are too many people here vying for my safety. I will be fine," I told him. His face looked no happier but no more displeased.

"Now don't jinx us by using my idiotic words," he told me, and I smiled at him softly. He raised our entwined hands and gave the back of mine a sweet kiss that I took to mean he would think about what I had said. I hoped he would.

"There is," Edward said hesitantly, "one other thing I wanted to talk with you about."

"Go right on ahead," I said, gesturing grandly for him to continue. His small smile grew a little.

"Well, I meant for this to wait a little, obviously, but with everything that has been going on, I thought perhaps now was as good a time as any to make this official," he said, and then reached into his pocket, laying upon the table a ring. It was white gold, glinting in the light, dim as it was. The stone was set with two others on either side of, smaller diamonds drawing attention to the sizable one in the middle. I was breathless then, staring at it.

"When…when did you have the time to get this?" I asked. He smiled wider and shook his hand, disentangling his hand from mine and picking up the ring and my left hand. He glanced at me apprehensively, but I was too shocked to do or say anything.

"I didn't go anywhere to get it. Apparently, as far as Carlisle tells me, I bought it a long time ago, years ago in fact, and gave it to him for safekeeping. I was an eighteen-year-old boy, after all, I was prone to losing things," he informed me with a grin. It took a moment for me to process his words as he slid the ring onto my third finger on my left hand, watching my eyes and moving slowly.

"You mean to tell me that you bought this when you were human?" I asked him, my voice wavering with incredulity.

"Apparently. It seems I meant to propose to you even then. Of course I don't remember that, and you wouldn't have had any idea of it. Carlisle didn't tell either of us because he wanted to wait for me to make that kind of decision on my own," he explained and then released my hand, which I automatically brought to my face, inspecting it with my eyes, my mouth agape. The ring looked so strange on my finger. The weight of it, the seeming finality made me both uneasy and overjoyed. If it wasn't official before, it surely was now.

"If you don't like it, Bella, we can go get you something else," Edward offered, his tone giving up a sense of his lack of surety. I shook my head.

"Its gorgeous, Edward, really. I love it. I only…I don't know what to say," I confessed. He took both my hands in his and kissed each of my fingers. I smiled softly, watching the control he used as he did, pressing his lips to my fingertips seemed like such a hardship when I watched him like this.

He looked up at me from my hands and his eyes were slightly clouded over. He smiled lazily and there was something about that moment that made every fear and ache go away. I hadn't seen him so happy since we found each other again.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked him with a tiny laugh.

"Like what?" he inquired, the punch drunk look still in his eyes, which were fading from their glorious swirling topaz to the shining black that they were when he was thirsty. He would need to hunt soon.

"Never mind," I said, shaking my head. Before either of us said anything else his features perked and he stood up without a word, walking into the living room. I followed after without asking any questions. His arm wrapped around my waist protectively and I felt his body tense a bit as three werewolves—Jacob, Sam and Quil—came through the door.

Jacob looked more or less the same as he had the night before; only there were no tears in his eyes. Quil look as he always did, only more subdued. But Sam…Sam looked like he was dead on his feet, like he hadn't slept or eaten in days, like he hadn't stopped crying for hours and like one tiny comment could make him snap. I knew Sam by that time, well enough to know that as sad as he was—and you would need to be blind deaf and dumb not to see that he was utterly destroyed—he would explode when given the chance and enough reason. It was in his body language, with his poor posture but tensed muscles, but mostly it was in his eyes, pale and far off but singed with anger somewhere deep inside them.

"Sam," I said softly. He turned those eyes, unfocused but smoldering, on me. "I am so sorry."

He shook. His whole body heaved and I could feel Edward tense, as though he was expecting him to phase. But I had been around them long enough to know when they were trying to control their phasing. This wasn't that kind of shake. He was just so _sad_. That shudder was his body trying not to collapse. I understood that shake. I had done it thousands of times over the years when Edward had been gone. I looked up at Edward and he seemed to understand and let me go, with an obvious measure of reluctance, but he still let me go.

I crossed to him and reached my hand to his, the massive, warm hands that he had clasped together in front of him. Sam and I had not ever been the best of friends. But that didn't mean that I was immune to his pain or that I could not see how much he was hurting. Those large eyes caught mine again and he looked absolutely vacant for a long moment.

"They murdered her," he whispered. I bit my lower lip to keep from tearing up. I wasn't one to cry. But seeing the innocent surprise with which he spoke those words, like he wasn't sure they were true, was like being punched in the stomach.

"I know, Sam."

"Why…" he began, his voice barely more than a whisper. I squeezed his hands.

"I don't know. What I do know is that you're going to get the bastards―"

"Before they get you," he finished for me. It wasn't what I was going to say, but I couldn't really argue. I wasn't going to pretend I didn't know they were going to try and kill me if they could. But for the moment I wasn't concerned about what might happen.

"What brings you boy here?" I asked quietly.

"We need to speak with your al—with Carlisle," Jacob said. I nodded and released Sam's hands after one last squeeze. His eyes caught mine once more and the innocence had left them, replaced again by that yin and yang mixture of murderous rage and depressive sadness. I wondered how long Jasper would be able to take such intense emotions before he had to leave the room. He would surely be feeling them by now. It was impossible not to. I was not even an empath and it hurt me to see him. I retreated back and hit Edward's chest, and he held me tightly, and I placed my hands around his. I saw Jacob's eyes find me and saw them widen at the ring on my finger, but he said nothing, only took a deep breath and continued on with what he needed to say.

"We tracked them, about seventy miles north of here, not a long run if we go fast. We can get to them before they come anywhere near here or get away, depending on what it is they are planning. But we should go now. They might have moved already, I can't tell because I can't talk to the others in the pack. We can leave someone to stay with Bella, but we should go so we can take them out," Jacob said. He was asserting his dominance already.

Carlisle said nothing for a moment, only looked to Edward. Another silent conversation passed through the air and then he nodded.

"We don't seem to have much of a choice here. Esme, will you stay with Bella again?" he asked. She nodded silently and then as though on some silent cue the others shifted toward the door.

"Be careful," I said sternly. Edward smiled and kissed my forehead and gave me a smile. He turned then and walked out the door, leaving only Jacob standing in the room with Esme and I.

"And how are you?" I asked quietly. He said nothing, shrugged at first.

"I meant to listen to you, you know," he said. Before he continued Esme left the room, sensing this was not a conversation she was meant to be privy to. Even though she would still hear us talking no matter where in the house she was, it was polite of her to leave.

"Listen to me about what, Jacob?" I asked.

"When you told me not to think of you too often. I had every intention of following through on that. But then all of this has happened and I cant seem to get away from you, can I?" he asked. There was accusation in his voice like I had something to do with it and I was about to defend myself when he sighed and shook his head. "But you have nothing to do with that, do you? I miss you sometimes, Bella, I really do. But that," he said, gesturing to my hand and the ring that now sat upon it, "that means you're really in love with him, doesn't it?"

I opened me mouth and then closed it, nodding instead. I didn't trust my mouth.

"After this, I don't think you and I will see much of each other, so I am going to say this right now in case we don't. I don't hate you, Bella. I couldn't. I will miss you. And I will be angry that it wasn't me that you loved, but I don't hate you. And even though I despise the things you live with as a whole, if he makes you happy, I…I won't ever be okay with it. I can't. You understand why. But I can accept the inevitable and be happy for you because you are happy."

I was utterly speechless. I had no idea how to respond to that. He saw there was nothing I could say and he smiled oh so sadly before ducking out the door to join his comrades. I watched them all disappear from the window. And then the waiting began again. I was not anticipating another day of just waiting to see what was going to happen. There was so much danger in what they were going to do that it made me fidgety sitting at home, unable to do a single thing.

Esme and I went about our separate business mostly that day. We talked on and off, about the ring, about the wedding, about the future and Edward. But mostly she recognized my need for space. So we were in separate rooms, she in the living room reading a book, me in the kitchen getting a glass of water when the door finally opened.

"Thank God you are home! I've been on edge all day long and…" my voice faded and failed me. It was not my family in the doorway.

"Hello, little Bella. That is your name isn't it?" a red headed woman asked with a smiling lilt in her voice. Esme had already risen in front of me before I even knew what was happening.

"Get out of my house," Esme growled. Her normally cheerful, warm voice was filled with such venom I hardly recognized it.

"Tsk, now, don't be feisty, I've just come for the human. Come on now, Bella," she said, like she was calling a dog. Esme snapped at the woman, who's face last an ounce of amusement for a moment and then she grinned again.

"Goodness, you're not going to let her go without a fight are you?" she asked with a smirk. She shook her hair back and then bared her teeth, a vicious look in her scarlet eyes.

I could not lie about being terrified. Her face just then was possibly the most horrifying thing I had ever seen outside when Jacob attacked Edward. My breath hitched and I could see Esme tensing. I could not imagine her as a fighter, but I knew her as a mother. She had told me before she counted me as one of her children. Mothers protected their children to the death.

But I couldn't let her do that. I couldn't let her get hurt or killed because of me.

"Wait! Esme, wait, please," I whispered. There was a complete pause. The woman, who had yet to identify herself in any way, stared at me and Esme turned slightly so she could look at me.

"Please don't risk your safety for me, you have your family and―"

"And you are a part of it. Edward would never forgive me or himself if I let something happen to you. So please, don't be ridiculous and assume that I'm not going to protect you," she said. Her voice was gentle but her eyes were harsh. They weren't meant for me. She was still staring at the woman.

"How touching. Esme, is it? Let me tell you what is going to happen here. You and I might fight for a few minutes, but everyone is right behind us. As soon as James gets here, no matter where she goes, no matter where you hide her or how hard you protect her, he'll find her and we'll get to her. He's caught her scent and now he's become…a little obsessed. But he'll torture her, Esme, in ways you cant imagine. He will make her hurt for hours and hours, days even. If you let me have her now, it can be quick, virtually painless."

"You will not touch a hair on this girl's head, do you understand me?" Esme snarled. The woman snapped back.

"Well then don't say I didn't warn you," she said, her voice almost a song. And then the world exploded into action.

* * *

**hope you all liked this chapter!! it was kind of hard, but in the end really satisfying to write.**

**as always, got any idea for Edward pov ministories? let me know!!**


	21. Turn of Phrase

**sooooo...here, is chapter twenty one. I know, I know, Ive been remiss in my pdating, Im a horrible, horrible person adn author, I know. I guess, I just didnt want to submit a crappy chapter for you. but I know, Im horrible anyway...SORRY!**

**but hopefully this will make up for my not posting something for so long...**

I don't know if Esme launched herself as the woman or the other way round, but whatever way it happened, they collided in a mass of snarls and movement I couldn't quite follow. There was so much noise and action that my senses struggled to keep up with it all. But no matter how I tried to focus my eyes on them I could never quite get it.

What I did know was that the living room was destroyed, the chairs were broken, the little table smashed and something went flying through the picture window, that something being the woman who had intruded in the house. I was about to say something to Esme but she turned and looked at me over her shoulder. She spoke to me but I didn't get it all, she was speaking entirely too fast for me to understand. I strained to hear her and understand. All I heard was "Go…out…Edward…stay." and before I could ask her to slow down or repeat herself she had gone through the window, right after the woman.

I didn't know what to do, but I caught enough from her blurred, rapid speech that she wanted me out of the living room. So I ran up the stairs, sprinting up them two at a time, ignoring for the moment the miracle of my own stealth. I went into the room I occupied, the one Edward had lived in years before and closed the door behind me, looking about desperately to find something to push under the door. But when a moment passed and I couldn't think of anything it occurred to me that it wouldn't matter. If there were a vampire trying to get in the room, obviously putting a chair under the door wouldn't stop them. They would rip it right off its hinges. I found myself cursing my being a human once again, as it seemed to create so many more issues than necessary. If I was a vampire, I wouldn't need to be protected, hell, I wouldn't even be a target. Edward might have argued that I at least had my soul, but at this point having my soul didn't seem to compete with having my life.

I could hear dull thuds outside the house, feel the ground shaking every once in a while. It made me nervous. Hearing and not seeing, knowing that any moment now something could happen and I could do nothing to stop it. I sat huddled in a corner of the room, wincing each time I heard some crash or thump, praying it was Esme who was on the upper hand of this fight. And then there was a long silence, a pause in the noise and commotion. I was not worried to begin with, but then the pause was too long altogether. And although I was terrified of what was happening outside of my tiny room, I was too afraid _not_ to see what was happening. So with more caution than I had ever used in my life, except maybe sneaking back home after seeing Edward that first night, I opened the door very slowly and peeked out.

There was no one standing on the other side of the door, nor was there anything amiss this side of the stairs. So I crept out of the room slowly, being as quiet as possible. Which of course, being a human, was not as silent as I wished I could have been. Every squeak of the floorboards made me cringe. I stood at the top of the stairs, looking down them cautiously, seeing only the destruction I had witnessed before going up to my room and nothing more. Still there was no sign of what was happening or either Esme or our intruder.

I descended the stairs one by one, pausing at large intervals each time, too afraid to move very fast. The rational part of me knew better than to call out in case the woman was still there looking for me and it was only that shred of logic that kept me from calling for Esme then.

At the base of the stairs I paused again, looking around. Still nothing. I snuck into the kitchen and rested my head against the wall with a long, slow sigh. With a shaky breath I reached over and opened a drawer, pulling out a long knife. The utensils had been here from when Edward was human and hadn't moved since they all left to live with the sisters and Carmen and Eleazar. I didn't know if it would be of any particular use in protecting myself, of course I knew that I would be able to do no such thing against a vampire, but I could only think that it would be helpful to have _something_. I clutched at the handle and my shaking hands steadied some.

With my small and mostly completely useless weapon I stepped back out of the kitchen. The destruction in the living room seemed worse than before and far more real. The table had been old and wooden, and so when it had been broken the wood broke into many small, splintering pieces. They covered the floor and mixed with the shards of glass that littered the ground both in and outside the house. The chairs were broken in pieces, cracked into something that did not even look like chairs anymore. My mind recognized this as the living room and knew this as the destruction caused by Esme and the home intruder fighting, but somehow it seemed utterly surreal.

I looked out the broken window and didn't see much there either, in the dimming light. I took another long breath and went to the door, opening it slowly. Still there was no one standing there, not Esme or anyone bent on my death. I took a step outside, clutching my knife with fervor. The soft ground beneath my feet was treacherously covered with sharp glass and I was thankful I was still wearing my shoes. I glanced around me, trying to find my bearings. When I looked to the right, I noticed a trail of smoke from around the corner of the house. I took another step toward the direction of what must have been a fire and took a breath. The air was acrid. Whatever was burning was not agreeing well with the air and the smell was almost acidic.

When I saw Esme standing over a fire I was both relieved and confused. She had her back to me, her hands on her hips. She of course heard my approaching footsteps and turned to me. She looked mostly the same, but her clothes were torn and she was favoring her right leg a bit.

"I'm fine, Bella, don't worry, I will be back to normal in a few minutes. As for this bitch," she said, gesturing to the pile of what I realized what body parts she had set ablaze. I was taken aback at her language and her deeds. It didn't occur to me that Esme could not only fight a woman who looked as feral as she, but call her a _bitch_. She called Emmett on his language all the time, to hear her use profanity was so strange.

"Is this…the only way to―"

"Make sure she is dead? Yes. I had to pull her apart and burn her, which I was more than happy to do. No one threatens my family."

For that moment the look was back in Esme's eyes that had been there before, the same predatory look, and I thought surely she was the most fearsome of the entire bunch. Emmett might have been the biggest of them but even he shrank under Esme's stern voice when she reprimanded him.

But then her face softened and she was my Esme once again. She glanced at me, looking me over to make sure I was all right.

"Are you hurt?" she asked. I shook my head. She nodded and said nothing, glancing down at the knife in my quivering hands. A smile twitched on her face and tried to hide it for a moment before laughing a bit.

"Bella, what exactly were you planning on doing with that?" she asked me, amusement in her voice. I too glanced down at the knife and realized how ridiculous it was that I was carrying it with me. I just shrugged, unable to really explain it in any sort of logical manner. I thought she would pat me on the shoulder and give me that, 'no worries, dear' look she had, but instead she burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry, dear," she murmured between peals of laughter, "its only that you must know that having a knife like that would do you absolutely no good at all, and the look on your face when I asked you about it was so utterly perplexed…" she trailed off and said nothing else as she got her laughter under control. I thought about it and knew it was ridiculous that I had grabbed the kitchen knife. I wasn't sure how much use I would have been against a human, let alone a vampire. I began laughing with her a little, which only made her even more hysterical.

When our laughter subsided we were both left staring at the fiery mass before us.

"How did you kill her?" I asked.

"Awfully morbid question, Bella," she replied. I realized she didn't want to discuss and I didn't pry further. But neither of us moved from that spot until the fire had burned down and the pile was nothing more than ashes. Esme said she wasn't going to take any chances and I thought that was a wise choice. Impossible as it would have been for her to come back after the first few minutes, I still took heart in watching her reduced to a literal nothing, just to be sure.

After she was nothing but smoking ashes Esme and I went back inside to try and put the living room back together in some sort of order. We swept the glass and splinters of wood up and dumped them into the trash. I could have sworn I heard Esme muttering about 'that bitch' breaking the table, but I blocked it out and refused to believe it. Esme never swore in her entire existence and that's the way I chose to continue thinking of her.

When the family and the pack returned to us the only thing out of place was the lack of furniture and the broken window. They all came in the house and glanced around the room nervously.

"What happened here?" Carlisle asked with a quirked eyebrow. Esme gave a hurried explanation of what had gone on, simple and missing their entire dialogue and how she had managed to kill her. The missing dialogue was likely for Edward's sake, the way she killed her for mine. Edward of course had come directly to my side as soon as he stepped in the house and captured me in his arms as though he had been afraid he would never see me again. The more I thought about it the more I figured that might actually have been a legitimate fear of his. If he had heard the woman thinking about coming after me and hadn't been able to stop her he might have actually thought I might die. I understood where that fear came from; I knew it as soon as the woman threatened my life. While I was cowering in the bedroom upstairs I had been unconsciously twisting the engagement ring on my finger over and over again, trying _not_ to think about the what ifs and if I never saw him again and if he never knew how much I loved him.

But I was reminded of the fact that I did not have to worry about that as soon as he gathered me in his arms and covered my face in kisses. The confusion and fear I had experienced seemed to pale in comparison to the relief and harmony that followed after it.

"What about your end? How did that go?" I asked, still being held in Edward's arms. I had the feeling he was going to refuse to let me go unless absolutely necessary.

"We found them, of course. It wasn't finding them we were worried about; it was keeping track of them. I'm sure you wondered about my leaving Esme in charge of keeping you safe all by herself, but I'm sure you understand now that there was no reason to worry," Carlisle said. I glanced over at Esme again and she smiled at me, but I remembered the look in her eyes, the feral, protective predator she had been. I had no doubts now about her ability to hold her own.

"We used our numbers and Alice's ability to see their moves ahead of time and Edward's telepathy to keep track of their movements and predict where they were going. The pack's mind sharing capabilities were particularly useful. They were able to coordinate their attacks incredibly well," he went on, giving credit where credit was due. Jake smiled wanly and the rest of the pack gave a grin, all except Sam, who remained stoic. I glanced at Carlisle, who was looking at Sam. The look in his eyes was one of respect and pity. I had no doubts that Sam took great pleasure in ripping at least one of them apart. But I could see it still did not ease the ache in his heart. She was still just as gone as she had been before. And Sam was still just as empty.

"The pack took care of one of the males, and we took out the other. The female got away from us while we were killing the males and of course we noticed, but we figured we would be able to find her after we appropriately disposed of the males. That was until Edward read one of the male's mind—his name was James if I recall correctly—and his thoughts betrayed that the female, whom he called Victoria, was coming after you. Of course Edward wanted to leave right then, and he did leave before the rest of us, but I managed to persuade him to stay and finish what we had started. I knew you were in good hands, but he was not satisfied unless they were _his_ hands."

I felt Edward smile as he pressed his lips against my hair at the top of my head. I smiled a bit myself and sighed, satisfied with the story Carlisle produced. There were likely more gory details to be told if he was being completely forthcoming, but I was content knowing the most basic of versions.

"It seems, then, that all this is ended. The threat is over and we can be done with all of this," Jasper stated. He must have been feeling _something_ because as he said it, his face contorted slightly. I looked from him to Jake to Sam, watching the severity of the expression grow, from Jasper's diluted version of pain, to Jake's shaken looking introspection to Sam's obvious ache. This would never be done; I think we all realized it then. Life had been taken, and though revenge had been exacted it did not make any bit of difference in the way of Emily's death.

Emily. The beautiful Emily, always so full of life, she was sarcastic and witty at times, but always loving and gentle. She was the closest thing I had to a sister. And now she was dead. I was glad that the ones who murdered her had been killed and that they would never hurt another living being, particularly seeing as they had some intention of coming after me, but it stall made me feel a sick sort of pain when I thought about her.

_But I don't think this is the last time I will see you._

I would never have been happier to be proved wrong.

Jake and the pack left soon after that, telling us before they did that they were going to bury Emily the next day and that I was welcome to attend the burial. They did not mention how welcome anyone else would be, but of course I knew better than to bring anyone along. Even if I wanted to for comfort, it would feel like an affront to the pack if I disrespected something so intimate and private. I told them of course I would be there.

When the pack left there was almost an audible, tangible sigh of relief. My family wasn't ungrateful for their contributions to them and of course neither was I, but it was obvious to anyone in the room that the tension between the two groups was growing. They needed to be separated before the undeniable, incontrollable strain turned into something far worse.

"I'm glad you're okay," I confessed quietly, meaning it only to be heard by Edward, but realizing it would be heard by all. It didn't matter, I supposed, it was true of all of them. I shifted a bit closer and Edward shuddered and stiffened. I remembered the way his eyes had been darkening and when I slowly extricated myself from his hold—moving slowly as he had asked me to whenever he was thirsty—I saw his eyes had shifted to a pure black. He smiled at me still, and kissed the back of my hand.

"You're very thirsty," I commented casually. He nodded. "Then how did you manage that?" I asked, referencing our physical contact. He never allowed himself to get that thirsty around me, but when his eyes got darker he made sure that our physical contact was more limited than normal. It was hard for him usually to touch me, doing it when he was thirsty was like torture.

"You didn't see the things that woman was planning on doing to you. I had to touch you to make sure I wasn't dreaming and you were there and whole right in front of me," he explained. I smiled and I heard Emmett snigger at the blatant sappy quality of his words. I was sure any other day it would have caused a growl or at least a frown on Edward's perfect face, but this day he only had eyes for me. As impossible as it was, I wasn't sure that he even heard Emmett at all.

That night passed relatively quickly. After the commotion had worn down Esme made me dinner, which at first I felt no desire for, and then suddenly discovered I was ravenous. Edward explained to me that the adrenaline rush made my blood sugar plummet, and I needed to eat and keep myself from passing out. I felt Edward watching me as I ate the pasta Esme had cooked for me, his eyes dancing lightly across my face, as his fingers had been known to do. After I ate I was reasonably stuffed and wanted nothing more than to pass out in a bed and sleep. The yawning and sleepy smiles must have clued Edward in because he immediately lifted me from my chair into his arms and carried me upstairs. I would have protest but I could not think of a reasonable argument other than that he was thirsty and I didn't want him pushing himself beyond what he was capable of. But I knew that he would only smile at me in that 'silly Bella' way he did and keep right on going.

He pulled back the covers on his old bed and laid me down, pulling them up to my chin before lying next to me. He grinned that ridiculous, content grin he had perfected in these past years and brushed my hair out of my eyes. He sighed.

"Have I told you that I love you yet today?" he asked me. I smiled back at him sleepily.

"I think you may have mentioned it," I mumbled. He kissed my forehead softly and whispered for me to sleep, which I did without argument.

* * *

"You know how I feel about this," Edward told me as I stood in the woods with him, less than a ten minutes walk from the pack and the funeral service they were putting on for Emily. The idea of my being alone with the pack always made him nervous, no matter what the circumstances.

"Edward, I know that. But you and I both know that I am going to this funeral. Take the time to go hunt. I'll be home this afternoon and you can cease your perpetual worry. I promise I will be fine," I assured him.

"You can't know that."

"And you can't know that anything bad will happen."

"Bella―" I held my fingers to his lips, which he quickly removed, but then moved them back to his mouth to kiss them.

"Edward, please, you know how important this is to me."

"I understand. And I would never ask you not to go, that would be so beyond appropriate. But please, let me come with you," he entreated. I shook my head.

"I wont put them in a position to feel tense and uncomfortable while burying her. It isn't fair. He's burying his wife today, Edward."

He looked at me for a moment and then nodded. He remained silent, only kissed my forehead and let me go. I felt him watching me as I walked away. I tried not to think about how close we had come to serious danger and death the day before, or how worried he had been about me and still was. I knew that he only wanted to make sure I was okay and that I remained that way, but he didn't have much longer to worry. I was going to be a vampire soon enough, and when I was, he wouldn't have to protect me anymore, not that I thought he would ever truly stop.

When I broke through the trees at the edge of the forest, into the clearing in which the house sat, Jacob was already waiting for me. He greeted me with a solemn hello and we walked together in silence. We went into the house and the rest of the pack was already gathered in the foyer, waiting. Each of them as dressed in black and congregated around Sam, who sat in silence.

As thought cued by something completely unbeknownst to me, Sam rose and we all headed outside without speaking. There was a deep grave dug by the edge of the woods on the border of the trees at the outskirts of the garden. Emily always did love being in the garden. There was a large wooden box already in the grave and it was so strange knowing that Emily was in there and not being able to see her. She was dead and lying in the ground. The knowledge gave me chills.

The priest from the church in the nearby town was there and preformed a service, talking about the kingdom of heaven and eternal glory and everlasting happiness and light in the heavens. But even as he spoke and blessed her and spoke in Latin, which I obviously did not understand, it didn't seem _real_. I watched Sam, as he stood in stoicism, seemingly so unmoved if you couldn't read the expression on his face. He was trying not to cry. He was fighting against tears harder than he would ever fight anything else in his life, I knew, and all because sadistic beasts of vampires had killed his wife. He had scarred her and she stood by him, and they fought and disagreed but she never stopped loving him, even for a single moment. I wondered if he knew that. Or if she knew that he never stopped loving her either.

When the priest stopped speaking and closed his bible there was a moment of silence. Sam then stepped forward and reached his hand down, picking up a handful of dirt and dropping it down on the casket that was in the ground. It hit the wood with a dull, empty thud and I winced at the sound, thinking of poor Emily inside that box. Sam said nothing and turned to leave. He walked away and after a moment Jake went after him. The rest of the pack dispersed then too, all going inside to avoid the rain that seemed to be coming in the dark gray sky.

But I stayed there by her graveside. I couldn't bring myself to move. And there I sat for a long while, until Jake came and sat himself down beside me.

"Do you think Sam will ever recover?" I asked. Jake was silent for a moment, and his silence was more telling than his words could have been. Of courser he would never recover. He had bonded to Emily so completely there was nothing and no one else for him. Love like that didn't end with death.

"When are you leaving?" Jacob asked back. I sighed slowly.

"Soon. Probably tonight if it isn't raining, maybe tomorrow."

"I want to see you again before you go," he stated.

"I thought you said you were going to listen to me when I told you not to think of me," I reminded him. He tried to smile but the expression died on his face.

"I told you I had every intention of trying. I already failed, what could the harm be in failing as thoroughly as humanly possible?"

"Well first, you're not human, so you might be able to fail a bit more extremely than any human I know is capable, and second―"

"Second…Edward, correct?"

I said nothing and he nodded and sighed.

"Bella, we are friends, right?" he asked. I nodded immediately. He had loved me—and if I wasn't too far off base he still did in a way—but I hadn't loved him, and regardless of this he was still a friend, almost a brother.

"So if we are friends, and after today you plan on going away, is it so wrong of me to want to see you one more time to properly say goodbye when we are not graveside of a woman I loved like my sister?"

I looked down at the grave we were sitting next to and closed my eyes a moment. He was right. It was not proper for us to say goodbye this way. Emily deserved more than that, and so did Jacob.

"Fine. When?" I asked quietly.

"Don't sound so enthused, Bella. And it all depends on when you plan on leaving. We will be here. Whenever you want to come, I will see you. You can collect your things as well, if you still want them."

"And after that do you promise to do as I asked?" I inquired. There was a long pause. I could see him thinking it over, whether or not he was ready or willing to make that kind of promise. But he nodded slowly.

"I promise. Now go home to your fiancé so you can come back tomorrow. I know you're going to have to argue all night so you may as well get started early," he said, and this time a small smile did grace his face. I hadn't seen him smile in so long. Strange that it occurred at Emily's funeral.

I nodded. He was probably right; Edward wouldn't like the idea of me coming back here, even if it was only to say goodbye and collect my things from the house. If I had to use that as my excuse I would, and from what I knew of Edward I would need all the reasons and logic I could get.

"Tomorrow," I said. And then I rose to my feet and looked down again in the ground, watching the dark glisten of the oak inside which my dear Emily lay. I reached down and grabbed a handful of dirt and let it drop in the grave, making the same heavy thudding sound as Sam's had. I mouthed goodbye and sighed and then stepped away from her grave and from Jacob.

* * *

"Let me get this straight…you want to go back there…again?" Edward asked, bitter disbelief coloring his melodic voice. I nodded. His face was a mix of disgust and incredulity, making his features no less beautiful.

"If we are leaving, which I assume we are, to go back home to the sisters and Carmen and Eleazar, and if you're going to change me, which you told me you were, then I hardly think I will ever see Jacob or Sam or any of the pack again. And it isn't as though the funeral of a family member is exactly the best time for a goodbye to everyone. So I can just go back tomorrow and say goodbye get some of my things and then we wont ever see them again."

"Bella, I hardly think that it's safe," he protested.

"I was there today and nothing catastrophic occurred. I promise, Edward, I'll be―"

"Fine, yes, I know, so we both keep saying. But as you so aptly pointed out, that particular expression hasn't exactly led us down a positive road, so regardless of the truth of that, can we please not utter that phrase?"

"Agreed. But regardless, I'm going back there tomorrow and then we can go home, okay?"

"Fine." Edward's fingers laced in mine and pulled me slowly forward until my face was but a few inches from his. My thoughts swirled into a dark whole of forgetfulness. I couldn't think further than a few words at a time and even those were hopelessly jumbled.

"That's not fair," I breathed. Edward grinned.

"I don't have the slightest clue what you are talking about," he murmured. I opened my mouth to tell him that I knew her certainly did know what I meant and he should stop dazzling me immediately. But as soon as my lips parted my mind lost all concentration. Edward's own lips touched my forehead.

"Its just that…if anything were to happen to you, Bella, I'm not sure what I would do," he confessed.

"Well you don't have to worry, because nothing is going to happen to me. Now go do something while I change into something to sleep in, Edward."

"As you wish. Although I can't figure why you seem to insist that I leave, its not like I haven't seen you naked," he argued. I blushed horribly, my cheeks flushing a deep crimson.

"I know you only say things like that to make me blush," I accused him, shoving him playfully toward the door. He grinned and didn't budge an inch.

"Guilty as charged. Now go change, you look tired. You should sleep, my love."

"Maybe I don't want to go to sleep," I argued.

"Bella, there are plenty of sleepless nights in your future, enjoy slumber while its still physically possible," he advised. I rolled my eyes but nodded and smiled, before he disappeared so I could put on a nightgown and slip into bed.

That night, I had the nightmares again.

* * *


	22. No Time Like The Present

**Hey look at me not taking forever to update. yay me. seriuosly though, this chapter...was crazy. Im not the kind of writer that has a grand plan of what is going to happen before I write it and this one literally took a path of its own and just went. I wrote it in like, three hours. it was crazy.**

**hope you like it!**

When I left in the morning to go back to Jacob's house and say goodbye and gather my things, Edward was in an incredibly sour mood. He didn't say a thing against the idea of me going, but he was certainly not acting as though he was enthused about the entire thing. He made me eat breakfast and promised not to be far in case I needed him, but that was the sole encouragement he provided. Esme on the other hand thought it was a wonderful idea that I was getting some closure and taking care of my business, and not leaving it in the air. They were practically family to me; it would be unfair to treat them like they weren't. I was glad at least _one_ of them was on my side. The rest of them were either completely neutral or sided with Edward.

But in the end it didn't matter if he agreed with my decision to go or not, he let me leave, walking with me as far as he had the day before and then letting me go off alone to do what I had set out to do that day. I found my way to the house, avoiding any view of the grave that we had buried Emily in the day before. I made my way to the door, trying not to think about it and knocked. I had never knocked on that door before. It had been home for years, and even when it wasn't, it had been a familiar place. Now I was like a stranger, an alien to a place I had lived. I still remembered the layout of the house, but I was knocking on the door as if I had never been there before.

Jacob answered the door and after a momentary pause smiled wide. He ushered me inside without saying much and we walked in silence, somehow having an unspoken knowledge that we were going upstairs to my old room so I could get my things. When we finally arrived he opened the door for me and I saw my room, the same as it had been before I left.

"I didn't change a thing, in case…" Jacob trailed off and fell silent, letting me instead just enter. We both knew the end of his phrase. I walked around my room and settled eventually by the window, simply looking out at the yard and remembering how many times I had looked at this same view at a different place in my life. This view had seen my through my original sadness and homesickness, my infatuation and love of Edward, the pain of his loss for unending hours as I watched and waited for him to come back for me. And now here I was, looking through this same window, watching the yard and the edge of the woods, trying to find the words to saw goodbye to Jacob for good.

Jacob sat on the edge of my bed and handed me a large cloth tote bag for my things. I smiled at him. He had thought of everything. Silently I went to my closet first, pulling out the few clothing items I missed enough to want to take with me, which was very few. Then I went to my vanity and got the valuables I had, the earrings my mother left me, the necklace my father had given me on my eighteenth birthday and a perfectly shaped and polished piece of sea glass I had found on the beach one day. Most of the other things there were expendable—perfume I never used, trinkets I had picked up in random places that hadn't meant anything to me in the first place. The last things I wanted to get were in my nightstand drawer. I opened it slowly, not sure what Jacob might say if he saw them, and removed the roses carefully, not wanting to break their dried, fragile petals. I put them on my bed and then went back to my closet and removed a silk handkerchief from the closet. I laid them in the handkerchief and wrapped them carefully within it.

I could tell Jacob was watching me do all these things. I was sure he had questions or comments about what I chose to take and what I chose to leave behind but he kept them to himself. After I had slid the handkerchief with my roses inside the bag I took one last look around my old room to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything important. When I decided I wasn't I turned back to Jacob and sighed softly with a tiny smile.

"Find everything you needed?" he asked. I nodded. He gave me a strange look and then sighed a bit himself.

"Sam wanted to see you, before you left," he informed me. I quirked an eyebrow, but didn't argue. Jacob picked up my bag and walked with me out of my room. I cast one lingering look to it, knowing that this really was the last time I would ever see it. I had been sure that I would never see the inside of this house the last time I left it, and I had been wrong, but this situation had more finality. I was going to be a vampire after this, there would be no way I could be in this house after that without some serious risk of death.

We walked in more silence, although it was more comfortable than some of our stilted conversations had been. I memorized every hall we walked through and every room we passed, not wanting to forget it. Even over time I might forget the smell of the polished hardwood or the way the morning light brightened each room and the ambience of the evening sun as it faded over the gardens. But after I was turned, who knew what tiny details I would remember. There were a lot of things I wanted to remember and I knew that so few of them would be in my mind after the change. So I hoped to fill my mind with mostly positive things to keep my memories as peasant as possible once I was a vampire. If I was stuck remembering the pain of losing Edward for all eternity it would drive me insane, I was sure of it.

Sam was in his and Emily's bedroom when we found him. He was sitting in a chair by his window, staring out over the gardens. You could see Emily's grave from there. I didn't know if he was looking at it or past it, but either way, I understood the expression on his face. He was waiting. Waiting for something he knew he couldn't have. He had lost something important to him, the most important thing he ever had and he was just waiting for it to come back.

The only problem was, he would never get his.

When we walked in the room it took Sam a moment to realize we were there, but when he did he turned around and he greeted me with what might have passed for a smile if I squinted at him and he was very far away. I let it pass. I couldn't expect him to smile.

"Bella, I didn't know if you were going to accept our invitation," he said quietly.

"I hadn't been aware it was a group invitation, but of course I could hardly refuse. Why would I say no to coming to visit you?" I asked in return. That time he did crack a tiny smile.

"Always the diplomat, Bella. That's admirable you know, that you never chose sides and were always able to see the good and bad of both. I liked that about you. I understand you're going away with your vampires and intend to become like them, is that correct?"

"Yes, Sam, that's correct."

"Well, I'm sure you understand that we don't agree with that choice. But we are hardly in a place to stop you. If we tried to stop you, your vampires would find a way to retrieve you, and to be honest, I don't have the energy to spend trying to keep you from them, or to keep you from being one of them if you so desire. I think you and I have a better understanding of each other than we ever have before."

"Meaning what?" I asked slowly.

"You lost Edward for years. He was dead to you. I have recently become very familiar with the feeling of the one you love being dead. I would give anything to have Emily back for just one day, even if she _was_ a vampire. I think I can understand why you would rather have him as he is, than not have him at all. And that is why I think you should have something of hers. She always cherished it; it was something her mother had given her when she was very young. It was important to her, and so were you."

Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brass key. It shone as though Emily polished it frequently. He handed it to me and I took it with a shaking hand. It was small but intricate. The brass was engraved beautifully, with swirling patterns and gorgeous, scripted language.

_There are no ordinary moments._

"She told me the key to happiness was appreciating each moment as it is given to you and never looking ahead or behind. She always seemed to understand something that none of us could grasp, didn't she? I think that was it. She practiced what she preached. She understood what was important. I think of all people, there are very few that understand the relevancy of that sentiment as well as you and I do. So take this, remember her, remember to appreciate life, and go and be happy, Bella. No hard feelings, no residual anger or vengeance. We wont come after you, and you don't owe us a thing. Its over now. I'm not continuing a crusade that killed her."

Sam spoke his last sentence looking at Jacob, who refused to meet his eyes. I could tell that he felt guilty about it. He thought that because he had pressed Sam so hard, had such a vendetta against all vampires that he had led directly to Emily's death. He had killed his sister and his brother's spirit at the same time.

"I understand. And thank you, Sam, for understanding and for leaving us alone. I appreciate it more than you know," I whispered, too shocked to really think straight. I hadn't thought of the things Sam had just said, but in reality it was true. Of course to me, Edward was never _really_ dead, but he might as well have been. I had mourned him as though he were, but where Sam would look out his window and watch and wait for a woman that would never come back to him, there had always been a hope that Edward would come back to me.

"You're welcome, Bella. Love, I have learned, is a strange and unyielding thing. It's impossible to stop if it has taken a mind to being settled in your heart," he said quietly. I nodded. He turned and looked out his window once more and Jacob and I paused a moment before leaving him to himself once more.

"I'm surprised he let you have something of hers. He hasn't even let people in their room, let alone touch her things," Jacob confessed. I nodded, thinking again about what Sam had said to me. I pocketed the key and made an internal promise not to ever let it out of my sight so long as I lived.

Jacob walked with me, carrying my bag. We walked out onto the lawn and then to the edge of the woods, somewhere within Edward was waiting for me. We paused at the edge of the trees and Jacob handed my bag over to me with a sad smile.

"I guess this is goodbye, Bella," he said in a quiet voice.

"I suppose so."

"I am not going to pretend to be okay with what you are going to do to yourself but I just want you to know that…that you will always be a part of our family, no matter what about you changes."

I smiled at him and he returned it. Carefully and slowly I leaned toward him on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. He looked at me in slight surprise but smiled nonetheless.

"Goodbye, Jacob."

"Take care, Bella."

It wasn't the most eloquent of goodbyes, or the most heartfelt, but it would do for the two of us. There wasn't much left to say between us anymore. So with a final smile I turned and walked from him, stepping into the maze of trees.

"Bella?" Jacob called one last time. I stopped and looked at him over my shoulder.

"If you change your mind, you can always come here," he told me. I laughed a little to myself. I had known he would need to have one last shot at getting me to stay.

"I know," I told him. "Thank you for everything, Jacob. Remember your promise to me. And try to be happy. Okay?"

"Will do."

Before either of us could say anything else I turned again and disappeared into the woods, walking for a little while by myself before Edward found me. I had my bag in one hand and the other was in my pocket, running my fingers over the key within it. I took it out to look at it again and turned it over again in my hands, pausing to gaze at it more carefully.

"What have you got there?" Edward asked. I jumped practically out of my skin as his hand rested on my shoulder and took the bag out of my left hand simultaneously.

"Edward you scared me half to death!" I cried. He laughed. I realized talking about being half dead to a vampire was not the most intelligent turn of phrase.

"You understand what I mean, Edward," I said with a roll of my eyes. "And to answer your question, I have a key."

I told Edward about the gift Sam had given me, both the key and the promise to just leave us alone. I told him what he had said to me about love and understanding. Edward was silent through all of the telling. When finally I was done telling him what had transpired he was walking with a strange look on his face.

"I'm surprised he decided to let you go so easily. I had always thought he would be the kind of man to take a death hard and then be blinded with the idea of vengeance," he explained when I asked why he looked so puzzled.

"Its not really something I can explain," I said slowly. If he didn't understand it now, the only thing that would ever make him truly comprehend it was my death, and I wasn't willing to die to make him understand. He nodded as though he at least could see why it was difficult to put into words. I smiled at him and sighed.

"What if I don't remember you?" I asked suddenly, voicing one of my very few fears about joining him as a vampire. It had crossed my mind before that if he found it so difficult to remember me, what if I didn't remember him? What if I forgot how we met, or how much I loved him or why?

"Why would you think you would ever forget me?" he asked.

"After you change me, what if I don't remember you?"

Edward stopped walking and took my free hand—the one that wasn't holding onto Emily's key—and brought it to his lips, giving me a gentle kiss. He smiled softly.

"Bella, even if you do forget me, which I find it very hard to believe that would—you managed to keep me in your mind and heart after three years of my absence, after all—I would be there with you to remind you every day until you were either forced to remember or you fell in love with me all over again. You charmed your way back into my heart after I hadn't seen you in years and had nothing but hazy memories to go on. I think that seeing you and helping you through your change and every day after it might give me an opportunity to do the same, should the worst occur, don't you?"

I stared up at his bright topaz eyes, so recently turned that bright color from his hungry black. I always wondered how he managed to assuage my fears so easily. I had been worried I would not remember him; Edward simply figured that if I didn't, he would _make_ me remember. It amazed me that he had a plan for everything and that it was so simple when he detailed it.

"You amaze me, Edward Cullen," I sighed. He laughed.

"I think you will find it is you, my love, that frequently amazes me," he replied. We walked in contented silence for most of the way back. I didn't feel the need to speak, and neither did he. We were happy to just be together. If this was what eternity was going to be like, I didn't have a reason to fret.

We were less than five minutes from home when I reached into my pocket to take out Emily's key and look at it and realized it wasn't there. I stopped walking and dug through my pocket and the dropped Edward's hand and searched through the other. It was nowhere to be found.

As I reached into the pocket it had been in to begin with I slid my hand along the bottom and felt a small hole that I hadn't noticed before.

"The key must have slipped through the hole, wait just a moment, it must be on this path," I said. Edward put my bag down.

"Let me get it, it will be much quicker if you let me go," he told me. I looked over at him.

"Edward, I'm more than capable of locating something I dropped."

He shrugged as if to say, _go ahead_ and I began to backtrack, looking at the ground. I was about a hundred paces away when I saw the tiny flash of glinting brass. I ran over and picked it up, snatching it from the ground. I brushed the dust off and held it up for Edward to see. He smiled and nodded and I began walking back to him. I slid it in the pocket without the hole and picked up the pace, wanting to just get home.

However, I was not paying enough attention and without my notice, my foot caught on a tree root that was sticking up from the ground. Edward was too far away to just catch me, and with my nonexistent coordination, I fell unceremoniously to the ground.

Out of human instinct I put my hands out in front of me to catch my fall, and succeeded only in scraping them along the stones that were poking out of the ground. I felt the telltale sting of skin breaking. I looked down at my hands in horror.

There was blood on them.

I looked up at Edward and he had frozen, his eyes wide, his mouth agape, his hands bunched into fists at his sides. I was horrified. I stood up and immediately wiped my hands on my clothes, realizing a moment to late that it wouldn't do any good. The blood was there. It was hard enough to resist my blood when it was beating beneath my skin. If it was flowing freely I had no idea if he would have enough control to keep from attacking me.

"Edward," I whispered. There was a moment of silence. And then he growled. I could see even from where I was that his eyes had turned back into the pitch-black color they took on when he was hungry.

"Edward, please, its Bella," I told him, hoping to remind him of whom I was and whom he was, to give him something to hold on to.

I watched the cords stand out in his neck and the muscles bulge in his arms. I could see him fighting himself. I didn't know how he was doing it. By all rights I should have been dead already. He should have crossed the distance between us before I could blink and just killed me. But he was still thirty paces away and I was still standing.

"Run," he said, just loud enough for me to hear. I paused a minute.

"RUN!"

I didn't pause this time. I turned and started to run as fast as I could, into the woods. I didn't know if he was trying to give me a head start or if he thought clearing the immediate area of the smell of my blood would make a difference, but either way, I wasn't about to argue. I just ran.

I stumbled over rocks and roots, as I knew I would with the lack of dexterity that had gotten me into trouble in the first place. But even when I fell to the ground I got right back up and just ran, tumbling forward, Emily's key in my hand, not knowing where I was and not caring. It was between getting lost and certain death at the hands of the man I loved, I didn't really even have to make a choice. It was obvious.

I paused for a moment to catch my breath and while I was gasping for my breath I heard the telltale snap of a branch behind me. I figured Edward had gotten over his thirst and was coming to find me, but when I looked behind me I was startled. It was Edward, but he didn't look any less thirsty than he had when I had started running.

I tried to speak but my voice failed me. I backed up a single step and then stopped, not knowing what lay behind me and with my coordination and luck, I would fall over again and open a fresh wound.

"Bella," he whispered. I nodded.

"Yes, Edward, its Bella. I love you, Edward. And you love me; remember that. Please, remember that."

He closed his eyes and his whole body shook. I could see him fighting it again.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. His hands flexed, making fists and relaxing at his sides.

"Edward―"

"So sorry," he repeated. I felt my lip tremble. He couldn't control it. His hunger had driven him to follow me, though at a slow pace. He must have been battling his instincts and thirst the whole way to give me something like a head start and a chance to get away. But I hadn't been fast enough. I hadn't gotten away.

"I love you," I told him, not knowing if such a sentiment would even register to him at this point. He flinched, like I had just hit him but the trembling didn't stop. Pain flashed across his features. It was like watching the dichotomy of what he was switching back and forth across his face. One moment he was the predator, the next he was my Edward. I didn't know if that made it easier or more difficult to accept what was happening. He took another step in my direction and I felt myself begin to tremble. I had never been afraid of Edward or his family, even after I knew what they were. But I felt fear then.

I closed my eyes, deciding that I didn't want to see him as he was at that moment. I wanted to remember the perfect Edward I knew before I died. And then in a flurry of motion, things happened.

I opened my eyes as my feet were lifted from the ground. Alice had picked me up as Emmett had tackled Edward to the ground. Edward was snapping and snarling at him, a feral look in his eyes.

"Go!" he yelled and Alice took off running with me in her arms, the trees blurring past us. We were to our house faster than I thought we could have been, even traveling in such a way as we had been.

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry we didn't find you sooner. I hadn't understood what was happening until just now. If we had been too late," she said, her voice fading.

"You weren't," I reminded her.

She looked me in the eyes and then pulled me forward and hugged me tightly. She apologized again and then told me to go inside while she went to help Emmett with Edward. I did as she said and went in the house. Carlisle immediately took a look at my injuries, minor as they were, and while everyone evacuated the house for the moment so he could clean the blood without fear of any of _them_ attacking me, bandaged all the scrapes and cuts I had acquired that day.

"He s going to hate himself," Carlisle told me. I looked up at his face from where I had been staring at my bandaged hand.

"It isn't as though I wont forgive him. He didn't do anything wrong, Carlisle. He can't help what he is," I said. Carlisle nodded.

"I know that, and you know that, and somewhere inside himself he knows it as well, but he also knows that he could never forgive himself for coming so close to killing you," he replied. I knew he was right. Edward had a penchant for self-blame and I could only imagine what this was going to do to him. It would rip him to pieces knowing how close he really had come to ending my life.

"Change me," I said suddenly. Carlisle looked at me, startled.

"Bella, I really think that you should talk to Edward first."

"We already agreed on it, Carlisle. He already said he wants me to be changed. It's the only way and we all know it. So just do it now, before he has a chance to try and tell me how he isn't good for me and how he cant understand why I would stay with someone who only hurts me," I said. Carlisle gave me an understanding look. Edward would likely say those very things.

"Is that what you truly desire, to be changed right now?" he asked. I nodded vehemently. It really was the only way. And there was no time like the present. He nodded, in a resigned way.

"I have always thought of you as a daughter, Bella. I don't know if I ever told you that, but ever since the moment I spoke to you about letting Edward go all thsoe years ago and I could see how much you cared about him I knew that you were his match, even before either of you did. You love him more than most people ever dream. Because of this I have never hesitated in considering you family," he told me. I smiled.

"You have no idea how much that means to me, Carlisle," I told him. He nodded.

"I will bite you down here and then bring you up to your bed once the change begins. It will make sure that none of your blood gets on the sheets and makes it harder for Edward to be around you in the change. You will want him there, I assure you."

I nodded and closed my eyes, taking a long, slow breath. When I opened them again Carlisle was smiling calmly. He stood and kissed the top of my head in the most fatherly of ways.

"Are you ready?" he asked. I nodded.

He leaned down and dropped his lips to my neck.

I inhaled deeply.

And waited.


	23. Apology

**hiya guys, I bet youre all like wow, it took you less than a month to update, Im shocked. I know. **

**now one thing I want to say about this chapter, particularly the beginning, is that you might be like hey, thats kind of out of character, even me, the one who is writing it was like hey, I dont think Edward would do that. but you have to remember that we arent dealing with normal Edward, we have 'I almost just murdered the woman I love' Edward. his usual characterisitcs go flying out the window. other than that, enjoy, my loyal readers!**

With my eyes closed I waited for the pain that I knew was coming. Edward had described the change to me before in a few different conversations we had together. I knew it was going to be painful. But before I felt any pain I heard a slight noise to my left, by the entrance of the kitchen. I opened my eyes in enough time to see Carlisle suddenly disappear from in front of me. He crashed into the opposite side of the kitchen and before he even had a chance to regain his balance, Edward grabbed him again and held him by the throat.

Carlisle looked far too calm to have his son holding him against a wall with a look in his eyes meant to kill. I had never seen him look so ferocious as he did right then. But Carlisle just looked at him, that gentle reassurance in his eyes as always. Edward was having none of it.

"What the _hell_ do you think you were doing to her?" he demanded, his voice resonating from his chest in a terrifyingly angry mockery of the voice he spoke to me in.

"Only what she asked me to, Edward," Carlisle said quietly. Edward growled at him, his lips curling back into a snarl, baring his teeth. He had never seemed so much like an animal as he did then, the man in him seemingly gone.

"Edward, listen to me. We both knew this was coming. We both knew it was going to happen. You told her you wanted her to be with you forever, how else was she supposed to achieve such a thing?" he asked. Edward practically roared at him. Carlisle's words wouldn't sooth him. No matter what he said to Edward right now, he wouldn't be able to calm him down, because it wasn't Carlisle that Edward was so angry with. He was furious with himself and was taking that anger out on Carlisle. Edward slammed his father back against the wall, acting as though he hadn't heard a single thing Carlisle had just told him. It had never occurred to me that Edward would ever be able to strike Carlisle in any way, but it also would never have occurred to me that he could hate himself as much as he clearly did in that moment.

"Edward!" I screamed. He didn't even flinch, neither did he turn my way. I called his name again, louder this time. He turned his head a fraction of an inch, as if to investigate the distraction in the background.

"Look at me please," I begged, my voice softer. With a brief look cast in Carlisle's direction he turned all the way and looked at me. When he did, he seemed to be seeing me for the first time since he walked in the room. His hands immediately loosened and Carlisle dropped the few inches to the floor. I couldn't tell if he was watching the two of us because my eyes were locked on Edward's face. What I saw there practically broke my heart.

In his eyes I could see not only the loathing he had for himself, but also this profound sadness, something so heart wrenching it made my eyes burn with tears. I slid off the counter I had been sitting on for Carlisle to patch me up.

"He is not the one you're mad at," I said quietly. Edward stared at me for a moment and at first it seemed like he hadn't heard me. And then I realized that he was trying not to cry. I knew that tears wouldn't fall from his eyes like they could from mine, but I could see the way his body quaked, the way his lip quivered slightly, the way he breathed out a long, shaky breath.

I took a step in his direction and to my surprise he stepped away from me, like he was afraid. I looked questioningly at him and when he didn't answer I took another step toward him. This time he didn't move an inch. When I reached him in another two slow steps I reached up and touched his face with the back of my hand. His closed his eyes when our skin made contact.

"I don't hate you," I told him. He opened his eyes and looked at me. I pulled my hand from his face and opened my arms to him. There was a long moment of stillness between then and when he finally accepted the embrace when I wasn't sure if he was going to indeed accept it or if he was going to run away. But he finally closed the space between us, and to my utmost surprise, pulled me against him with fervor. I held him tightly in return, clutching at him desperately.

I felt his body shake a few times as he sobbed shamelessly, felt him steady himself before pulling away from me enough to look in my eyes.

"I am so sorry, Bella. There is nothing I could ever do to make this better, I know. And I know that I can't ask you for forgiveness, because there is no excuse for the way I behaved. I epitomized the dark side of my nature and I put you in danger and for that I will never be able to forgive myself but―"

"Edward, its okay," I said. He pulled himself away from me completely, taking a step back and looking at me as though I were insane.

"I tried to _kill_ you, Bella. What part of that did you miss? I wanted to murder you and the only reason I didn't is because Alice and Emmett managed to get to us in time and save you. I wasn't going to change you or hurt you; I was going to _kill_ you. What about that is okay?" he asked, his voice having risen.

"Are you forgetting that you fought it? That you battled the monster within you to let me get away? It's impossible, what you did. Carlisle could do it, Esme, Emmett, Alice, Rosalie, maybe even Jasper if he got away fast enough, but you? You're barely three years old and you resisted. Not blood of a woman walking by, not my blood as we stood next to each other, but blood that had spilled from my hands, out in the air. I watched you; I _saw_ it. You fought. And even though you caught up with me in the forest, I don't think you would have killed me. I don't think you had it in you. You're better than the beast you make yourself out to be, Edward."

"You don't know what was going on inside of me," he argued. I looked at him quizzically. "I lost. I don't know what happened to me to make me strong enough to even let you get away in the first place, but the call was too strong. And your blood was like a beacon, calling to me. And like a terrible Siren song I was unable to do anything but follow. I turned back a thousand times, told myself I was stronger than the monster, but I wasn't. _I wasn't._ So please don't talk to me about how its okay because I didn't, how I fought and how I'm strong. I'm not. I would have killed you, right then and there. And I knew, even as I was thinking of it, that it would destroy me utterly. Losing you at all would kill me, but knowing I was the one who killed you? I would rather die a thousand painful deaths, rather live through the change every day for the rest of eternity than be the one to kill you. Don't you understand, Bella? If you stay, I'll only ever hurt you."

And there it was, what I knew was coming this whole time. He was going to try and make me see that I was no good for him, that I should just go now and spare myself the pain. I knew the feeling—I had tried to convince him of much the same years before. But he had been stubborn then just like I was stubborn now. I wasn't just going to leave him, not after everything we had gone through, not after everything that had happened between the moment I met him and this one. I hadn't waited three years for him to have him cast me aside because of his fears for my safety—something that wouldn't even matter as soon as Carlisle changed me.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told him sternly. He stared me down. And then sighed.

"Please don't be difficult about this, Bella. It isn't that I don't want you, I do, but how can I be with you if I can do nothing but hurt you? I'm no good for you."

"So this ring, what is this?" I asked, holding my hand up to him, letting him see what he had given me as a promise that he wouldn't even leave me again. I could see the inward flinch in his eyes.

"It is exactly what it looks like. I am not disputing what I feel for you, or what you feel for me, but please, listen to reason! I just tried to murder you and you don't even seem fazed. Two days ago another vampire tried to kill you. Why cant you ever see that being here, with me, is just too dangerous? You deserve more than this!"

"Then change me!" I shouted. I had never raised my voice to Edward, but I couldn't help it then, he was being impossible. "Go get Carlisle, apologize to him and have him change me right now. No more danger, no more murderous thoughts, none of it. I will be fine and you can stop worrying that you're going to go on a killing spree and take me as your first target. Please, Edward, be reasonable."

He muttered something under his breath I didn't quite catch. I asked him to repeat it.

"Reasonable," he said quietly, "would have been never coming here in the first place."

That stopped me cold and brought unexpected tears to my eyes. I saw him clench his jaw when he noticed them roll down my cheeks but he made no move to comfort me. Why was he trying so hard to push me away?

"You left me once, Edward. You promised never to do it again, even for my own good. You said those very words to me. You've seen what it would do to me. Do you honestly think you would be doing right by me by leaving me to slide back into that depression?"

"Bella, listen―"

"No _you_ listen, Edward. I don't know if Alice showed you or not, but there were times, several times, more than once a day in fact, that I thought about killing myself when you were gone. I would have gone through with it, but I didn't, because there was some semblance of a chance that you would come back for me, and remember who I was and love me still. I _lived_ for you. If you leave me now, I'm as good as dead."

He froze. I could see that Alice had never told him about my suicide fantasies. He hadn't known that without him I had felt as though I might as well not even go on. The pain I had felt without him then had been startling, but the pain of his leaving me now, after waiting for him for three years and knowing he was leaving on purpose this time would kill me. And if it didn't, I would do the job myself.

"Do not ever say such a thing again," he commanded me, his voice low and urgent.

"Then don't ever talk about leaving me again, for my own good, because of your insane logic or reasoning. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know if you think I'm better off without you, I'm not. The best place—the only place for me—is right here with you," I assured him.

"Oh, Bella Bella, whatever am I going to do with you?" he asked. I wasn't sure if he meant for the question to be answered. But I was done with this serious conversation where he had decided that I was better off without him. I was done with feel like I had to defend my need to be with him or try and tell him he wasn't going to hurt me. So I smiled slowly.

"Hmm…well, you could always love me forever," I told him, trying to be serious. He cocked an eyebrow at me and the first smile I had seen on his face since this morning crept across his lips.

"You think so, do you?" he inquired. I nodded my head.

"Oh yes. It seems the only viable option left."

He grinned.

"Forgive me?" he asked quietly.

"For what, my love?"

"This whole day."

"There is nothing to forgive," I told him. He gave me a stern look. "Edward, I forgave you for what happened earlier as soon as it happened. I know what you are, I have always known. I can't blame you for it. I can't be angry because you acted like what you are. It isn't your fault. So yes, consider yourself forgiven."

"You are amazing, Isabella, I don't know how you manage it so consistently," he said softly. I rolled my eyes but took a few steps in his direction, closing the distance he had created. He took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes for a long moment. Looking so steadily into perfection was making me dizzy.

"I love you," he told me resolutely, as though I did know. I smiled and returned the sentiment before he leaned down and kissed me very gently, as though being in too much contact was a forbidden thing. For now, it might have been difficult. I didn't know how thirsty he might have been at that moment, if the scent of my blood was still in his mind or if he had extinguished it with his self loathing and sadness. Either way, I did not push the boundaries he had put up.

"Is it safe to enter?" Carlisle asked from the doorway. Edward looked to his father and winced.

"Carlisle, I am so sorry," he said, and his apology hung in the air with its sincerity. Carlisle shook his head.

"Think nothing of it, Edward. I understand how you were feeling and I am not angry with you. But I think now would perhaps be the time we start thinking of heading back home, to the sister and Carmen and Eleazar. If we are going to change Bella it would be better to do it there where we are further from the human population."

I nodded and looked to Edward, who had entwined our fingers in a simple gesture of affection he was so adept at. He looked at me and smiled a bit before turning back to Carlisle.

"When were you thinking of leaving?"

"Now, actually. The sooner the better in my opinion."

We both agreed to be ready to leave in a moment and Carlisle went to retrieve the rest of our family. We walked outside in silence and Edward picked up my bag of things from the front steps. He had been carrying it for me when we were on the path and he had left it behind when I had run into the forest. I was surprised he had the presence of mind to pick it up for me on his way back.

"Alice got it on our way home," he told me, as though he had known what I was thinking. I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"You're sure you can't read my thoughts? That was exactly what I was thinking about," I told him. He chuckled.

"No, I can't read your thoughts, only your face. You had this quizzical look when you looked at the bag; I figured you were wondering about it. Nothing special about that," he replied.

"Maybe when I am a vampire you will be able to read my mind," I mused. This time he laughed outright.

"Let us hope so. The fact that you are the only one I cannot read, and your mind being the one and only that I would really like to be able to see into really does drive me insane," he informed me.

"Well then I don't feel bad. You frequently drive me crazy; at least I can return the favor."

"More than you know, my Bella, more than you know."

* * *

I had ridden with Edward this time. He had refused to let me go. I wasn't about to argue. So Alice carried my bag of worldly goods and Edward carried me. I didn't fall asleep on this trip, merely laid my head against his shoulder and waited until he stopped. When the motion finally ceased I opened my eyes wide and slid down from where I had been clutching at him. My fingers were stiff from holding on to him that way and my legs wobbled for a moment. But after a second I regained my land legs and we walked toward home, which wasn't all that far from where we had stopped.

The sisters were already outside and excited to see us as we reached the house. I had forgotten their loveliness and smiled at them widely as they began talking to us. They wanted to know everything, how things went and if everyone was alright and who had done what.

Emmett, forever being the one who loved the spotlight, told the story in full dramatics. Even as we left them outside I could still hear him telling it, his booming voice emphasizing the excitement of it. Alice handed me my things and I took them graciously on my way up to Edward's and my room. We walked there together and he asked me what I had brought from my old home.

I unpacked my clothes first, putting aside the handkerchief with the roses in it. I put away the clothing and then put my mother's earrings and the necklace my father gave me in the small box I kept my jewelry in. when those things were away I went back over to my bed and carefully unwrapped the roses. I had been afraid that they would have been crushed or broken if Edward dropped them while we were on the path, but they were still perfect.

"What are those?" he asked me quietly.

"These are the roses you left me."

"You kept them?"

"Of course I kept them. It was something you gave me, something to remind me of you, what else was I supposed to do with them?" I asked back. He smiled. I rewrapped the roses and put them in the bottom drawer of the chest of drawers Edward and I kept our clothes in.

"Bella, I think it would be a good idea for me to go for a quick hunt today before it gets dark," Edward told me. I turned back to him.

"Why before dark?" I inquired, going to sit beside him on the bed.

"So you're not alone when you sleep," he said, as though it should have been obvious. I smiled at him and told him to go right ahead. He kissed my forehead and then disappeared out the door, promising to be home soon. I drifted downstairs and witnessed he sisters and Carmen and Eleazar still captivated with Emmett's story telling. Jasper and Alice, on the other hand, were standing by themselves, talking quietly. I went over to join them and Alice smiled softly at me.

"How are your hands, Bella?" she asked. I pulled back the gauze and looked at them. They looked like little scrapes, nothing major or life threatening, unless of course your fiancé happened to be a vampire, in which case it was a serious problem. I took the gauze off, knowing there really was no threat of them breaking open again or of them getting infected and showed them to her. She nodded, appeased, and I dropped my hands to my side.

"I don't think I ever thanked you, for you know, saving me," I said, a bit sheepish. Alice shook her head.

"No need to thank me. I wasn't doing you a favor; I was just doing what any sister would do for her family. But I thought Edward was going to explode when I got back there," she admitted. I looked at her, puzzled.

"Emmett was still holding him back from following you and when he finally settled down enough…I've never seen him like that. He was so _angry_ with himself, like I haven't ever seen. He just kept saying that he was sorry, that he didn't mean it, that you hated him. I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but...he ignored me and ran off toward the house. I am pretty sure there is an entire ten foot radius where not a singe tree remained standing the way it was supposed to. What did you say to him when he got home?"

"Do you mean before or after he assaulted Carlisle?"

"After," both she and Jasper said at the same time.

"I just reminded him of a promise he made to me. And told him some things I was sure he didn't really want to hear, but it was the truth."

"Which were?"

"The visions you had of me over the years when Edward was gone," I said, not exactly proud of my suicidal thoughts and not excited about the idea of sharing them with the entire household at the time. But Alice understood and nodded without speaking. I was sure Jasper was wondering what I was talking about if he didn't already know, but I wasn't all that concerned.

"I'm sure it was affective," Alice said with a shrug and a smile. I nodded. "Bella, can I ask something of you?" she inquired.

"Sure, Alice, anything at all."

"Go through with the change tomorrow. The sooner we get this done the better. I know Edward hates the idea of it, but even he knows that it's the best course of action and if you do it now we don't have to worry about any more of this happening. His eyes, Bella…I don't know if you noticed the look in his eyes but after what happened today…I thought he was going to run to the Volturi and have himself killed for it. He might not like it at first, but we all know how grateful the _both_ of you will be once it's done," she said quietly.

"I know, Alice, but I have to talk to him about it, I can't just do it without speaking to him first. I tried that already and it ended up being a mistake. I will tell him it is what I want, but I can't promise we won't have to fight about it for a day or two before he finally gives in. You know how he is," I replied dryly. Alice nodded and rolled her eyes.

"Is there any particular reason you think I should expedite the process, Alice?" I inquired. She shook her head.

"And you would tell me if you had any visions that influenced your words," I said, my voice sounding more like a statement than a question.

"Of course I would, Bella. But really, it has nothing to do with any visions of mine and more to do with the fact that the two of you deserve to just _be_ and not have to fight what you are all the time. It's not natural, and it certainly isn't safe. I want you to be happy, so just get this over with and you won't have to work so hard at it."

"But what if I don't…remember him, Alice? I know he tells me he will make me remember, but what if I can't? What if he's gone?"

"Bella, no one can predict what you'll remember after the change, but I don't two people like yourselves could ever forget each other. And even if you did, he would charm his way back into your heart just as you charmed your way into his. I wouldn't worry," she said with reassurance. I smiled.

When our conversation was over we went and listened to the end of Emmett's story telling, which was just as ridiculous up close as it seemed from far away. I jokingly asked him if he could read the dictionary that way and he actually retrieved one and began telling a story by reading the definitions from him, starting with aardvark. He had gotten all the way to 'broom' by the time Edward got home. Emmett welcomed him back with an enthusiastic hello, explaining his game when Edward asked. Emmett continued what he had been doing, eliciting hysterical laughter from all of us while Edward rolled his eyes with a mellow smile and golden eyes. He sat with me, capturing me with one of his arms and pulling me close.

"Edward," I whispered, as Emmett flipped through the book, now just trying to find ridiculous words to talk about. He looked down at me with open eyes.

"I want to be changed tomorrow," I said just as quietly.

"What!" he practically shouted. Emmett stopped his game and the room went silent.

"Bella, you can't be serious," he said.

"I am very serious. No time like the present, after all. And after today I should have thought it has become increasingly clear that the longer we wait to just confront this issue and do what needs to be done, the longer we draw out my impending doom, as far as you are concerned. I don't need to be reminded every time that you look at me how sad and sorry you are that you almost hurt me. Why can't we just get this over with so you won't ever have to deal with it again?" I asked. I hadn't failed to notice that everyone had stopped talking and moving and was only paying attention to Edward and me now. I hadn't really wanted to get in an argument in front of them, but I needed to tell him as soon as possible and let him have time to adjust to the idea.

"Bella, you seem to be under the ludicrous impression that I will ever stop feeling guilt for almost massacring you today, which I can assure you, will never happen. But regardless, I understand your point. I just wish…" he trailed off.

"You wish what? I am not so good at reading minds or faces," I reminded him. He smiled wanly at me.

"I just wish we had more time. And I understand that we don't, Bella, I really do. I understand our situation perfectly, more than I ever have because of today. But sometimes I cant help but long to have more time with you when you don't feel like you're being pressured to undergo days of earth shattering pain before changing into a monster for me," he said with a sigh.

"It isn't just for you, it's for me, too," I argued. He seemed to be under the 'ludicrous impression' to borrow his words, that I was doing this just because it made it easier for him. That wasn't it. How could we ever be equals if he had to take care of me, be careful with me, never really be himself with me? It wasn't fair, not to him or me, really. So I was doing this so we could both just be happy, and not have to worry about me breaking, or getting hurt, or feeling inadequate.

"I understand," he said.

"Do you?"

He stared at me and bent his head down to mine and rested his forehead against mine, and in the silence of the room he whispered, "You lived for me, now you're willing to die for me. What have I to give you that will make it worth it?" he asked. I shook my head.

"You don't need to give me anything other than you," I told him. He smiled a bit and kissed me softly.

"Oh for the love of God, enough, both of you! Enough with the love and the cuteness and the professions of eternal loyalty, I can't stand it anymore. It's disgusting!" Emmett cried. I knew he was just being ridiculous and dramatic and so I laughed and gave him a smile.

"Oh, Emmett, you know I love you too right?" I asked with star struck eyes. He rolled his own and Edward cracked up. Conversation restarted and the silence that had laid them privy to our conversation before was now filled.

"So tomorrow then," he stated. I nodded.

"I wonder if I will have any amazing powers," I mused lightheartedly. Edward looked at me seriously, as if not understanding my jest.

"Oh my love, you already do."

* * *


	24. Recall

**okay, so seriously, I went OUT OF CONTROL with this chapter. I had NO intention of it being this long or involved but I couldnt stop myself. so here you go :) enjoy it**

Edward tried to convince me that I should go to sleep soon after we had our final discussion about my change, but I absolutely refused. He told me to enjoy sleep while it was possible, but I still held the secret fear that I would forget him, so I insisted on staying up with him for a while, even while we were in our room. Eventually he hushed me into a sort of half sleep, and I let him sing me to sleep as he usually did, sighing in the solid knowledge that this would be the last night he would do so.

When I woke up Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me intently. His eyes softened into something sweet for me when I looked up at him and mumbled a 'good morning'.

"Have I ever told you how ridiculous your hair looks when you wake up?" he asked me. I glared at him playfully and shook my head. "Well it does, completely unkempt. But I must admit, I like it."

He leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine, inhaling deeply. He seemed too aware of what was going to happen. It was like he couldn't get past it and every time he looked at me only saw the change and not me. So I cautiously tilted my head down and kissed him sweetly. What I had intended to be a brief kiss turned into something so much more than I had expected. Edward moved quickly and deliberately, slipping his hand up behind my neck and moving closer to me, kissing me firmly, as though he thought he might never see me again.

It was only then that it occurred to me—a miracle if there ever was one that I managed to have any sort of rational thought process when we were kissing this way—that my fears of forgetting were not lost Edward. To the contrary, he was just as afraid of my post change memory as I was. I remembered my initial fears after Carlisle told me he might not remember me. It had felt like someone had torn my heart out and thrown it on the ground.

This time it was me who pulled away from Edward, my breath coming in ragged gasps as I tried to replenish my oxygen supply. I could practically feel the perplexed look on Edward's face as he stared at me, those golden eyes of his bemused. When I opened my own a moment later I smiled at him.

"That is certainly a first," he said quietly. I grinned at him and sat up straight, looking resolutely into his eyes. He stared back for a moment before I spoke.

"Did any of your family tell you the story of your change, Edward?" I inquired, taking his cold hands in mine, warming them against my pale, comparatively hot skin. He shook his head slowly, still appearing perplexed.

"Obviously you changed as any other vampire does, taking three days and all that. But as both Alice and Rosalie have told me there was one peculiar thing about you when you woke up. After a single moment of consciousness you were thirsty but before you realized it…you said my name. You looked right at Carlisle and asked for me. I told you my fears about not remembering, I don't know why you felt it necessary to hide yours from me," I said quietly. He looked away from me, in embarrassment I could see. He was ashamed for not trusting me. But I lifted one of my hands and tilted his back in my direction, making him look at me. Before he could say a thing I spoke again.

"You _did_ remember me, Edward, you just didn't know it. And I wasn't even there to remind you every day. I know its terrifying to think that maybe I won't remember you, after all we've been through just to get back where we are right now. It has been so much work and time and it has driven us both crazy, I know. But my love, I have come to think that it would be near impossible for me not to remember you. How could I not? It isn't as though my happiness or well being depends on you or anything," I said with a lilt of amusement. Edward's expression faded into a sad smile. I was the reaction I had intended on receiving, but it was surely better than the look in his eyes that had been there before, as though he was saying goodbye. I knew I wasn't going to be the same, but I was still Bella and he would still be Edward.

"I should have told you I was sharing your fears," he confessed. I shook my head.

"I understand why you didn't. How could you know it wouldn't just add to my worries about the entire ordeal? Of course you couldn't. But you can trust me, you know, with anything. So if there is anything you want to tell me now, before…we…do this, say it now, okay?" I said. He stared into my eyes and then sighed quietly.

"I am so scared for you," he admitted. I smiled softly and leaned up to kiss his forehead.

"Nothing to be frightened of," I assured him.

"You don't even know what you're getting into, Bella. It's going to be so different than you are thinking. I wish I could make you understand, but I know that I can't, no matter what I say. It isn't something that can accurately be described in words. It isn't just the pain of the change, Bella, that I'm worried about. It's your life after that. It isn't going to be the way you think it will and I'm just afraid that you'll be different."

"Of course I will be different, isn't that the point?" I asked, trying to lift his mood, it didn't work.

"But what if you _really_ change and turn into a woman I don't know? What if―"

"Do you remember when we were sitting on the bathroom floor, after my ridiculous misunderstanding?" I asked, interrupting him. He seemed surprised at my question but nodded anyway.

"You made me promise to be just as I was right then, sitting on that stupid bathroom floor. And I did promise you. I don't break promises, Edward. I don't intend on breaking that one," I told him.

"But you wont even remember making it," he argued. I shrugged.

"Then remind me. Help me remember who I was. Edward, when I saw you again for the first time I was so scared that you wouldn't remember me, and that you wouldn't be the man I had loved. But you haven't changed a bit, except perhaps being more obstinate and obnoxiously protective than you used to be. You really think I will change all the much?" I inquired. He thought for a moment and then smiled.

"No, somehow I don't think so. You are far too stubborn to let something like three days of agony and a complete overhaul of your physical attributes change the woman you are," he acquiesced. I finally got out of bed after that and dressed like Edward told me I should, in something light and loose. I didn't want to be restricted by uncomfortable clothing during the change. It was the last thing I would need at that point. Right as we were walking out the door, Edward captured me in his arms from behind and held me there for a good long moment. I squirmed back against him and sighed in pleasure. He kissed the top of my head and then leaned down to my ear.

"I am holding you to that promise, Isabella," he whispered. I grinned.

"Feel free," I replied.

The looks I was greeted with when I descended the stairs were very similar to the one I had been given by Edward as soon as I woke up. It was like they were all waiting for a funeral. I realized this was mildly strange to all of them, seeing as none of their changes had been planned. I was the first and only one to go through the change on purpose and at a predetermined time.

"Would everyone please stop looking at me like I have some sort of incurable disease?" I requested. They all looked at each other and when they looked back at me they were trying not to look so down, but it was difficult.

"Sorry, Bella," Emmett said, "it is just that none of us ever did things this way and, I mean, its so strange _knowing_ someone is going to be a vampire in a few days, you know? What am I going to laugh at when you don't fall down all the time?" he asked. I shrugged in mirth.

"I am sure you will find something," I told him. He nodded in surrender. I looked at them all again, gathered as a whole, my family, and smiled. They were all so wonderful. And because of that I was able to quell my fear. I wasn't going to die now, I was going to live, in a different way, and be happy with my family for the rest of eternity.

* * *

I hadn't eaten breakfast as per Carlisle's advice. He said he wasn't sure how my body would take the change on a full stomach. It was only he and I and Edward in the room, sitting and waiting for when the moment finally came upon us all. It wasn't as though we had set a time at which to start things off, but for some reason none of us wanted to start it. Eventually though, it was driving me crazy. I sighed.

"I think we should just get this over with as soon as possible," I said after a long moment of silence. Carlisle and Edward both gave me a strange look, but by then I was not unaccustomed to receiving that look from either of them. So I just shrugged my shoulders and they rolled their eyes.

"I love you, Isabella Marie, always and forever. I don't know what you will remember, but I hope you remember that," Edward told me before leaning in to kiss me. It wasn't like the kiss he had given me this morning, full of passion and void of boundaries. This one was soft and chaste, gentle as any I had ever received from him. When he pulled away he looked into my eyes for a long while, promising me without words that he wouldn't leave my side for a moment. I had known it before, he had assured me of it, but it was nice to have his silent promise. With that I looked to Carlisle, who was watching us together.

"I guess now is as good as it will ever get," I told him. He nodded and Edward rose from the edge of the bed. I sat perfectly still as Carlisle gave me a reassuring smile. I watched Edward.

As soon as Carlisle broke my skin I could see the pain and fear on his face and I was trying very hard to restrain the very same feeling. It was so strange, being drained of blood. It was particularly painful, only odd in a way that my body did not like. I could feel the warning signs my body was sending up, feel it begin to quake as I was made dizzy by my own lack of blood. My body was screaming at me to do something, to save myself, but I couldn't. I was surrendering to this and damn it, I was going to commit to it.

When Carlisle released me—I hadn't even realized he had been holding me up—I fell backward onto the bed with a muffled thump and lay there for a moment, gasping for air, not quite understanding what was happening. I could feel myself teetering on the edge of death, my feet seeming to straddle this great chasm, on one side my human body, on the other my vampire one and below me certain death.

And then the moment passed, and rushing after it came unbearable agony.

I didn't realize I was screaming until I could already hear it in the air and when I did I closed my mouth for a moment, before uttering another sharp cry. My body was absolutely on fire. It felt as though I had been drenched in gasoline and connected with a match. The flames lapped at my skin. I could not help the scream that tore out of my body or the tears that ran down m face in a constant stream. Hot tears felt positively _cold_ against my skin and I cried even more because of it.

Hours passed. Hours of alternately feeling like someone had thrown me in a bonfire and like there were a thousand branding irons singing my skin. Edward sat with me, I knew that. I confirmed it when I opened my eyes sporadically and through the tears managed to make out his form. But it did little to comfort me. There was nothing I could do to make the pain go away, as it singed through every inch of my body and claimed my mind.

That was, until Edward touched me.

He didn't do it to purposefully comfort me; I think he did it out of instinct. He saw me in pain and he only knew how to comfort me by touching me or talking to me, and for the moment his words sounded like jumbled Russian for all I knew. But when his fingers touched my skin it was like putting ice on a burn, it soothed it beyond words. The pain wasn't gone, the rest of my body was still on fire and of course the fire under his nimble fingers was only dampened, not extinguished.

He retracted his hand from me as soon as he had touched me, likely thinking that his touch would only agitate me more, but he had no idea of the truth. I opened my mouth and tried to speak. Nothing came out for a moment. After that moment it was only a scream that did manage to find its way out of my mouth. But then the pain lessened for a moment, not to the point of being bearable or controllable, but to the point where I didn't feel like the fire was igniting every vein under my skin and making my insides explode.

"You're cold," I managed to say. They were the only words I managed before the swell came back again and brought me under, making me whimper and moan in absolute agony. I didn't know if he had heard me or if I had even really spoken or if it was only in my own mind. There was nothing for a moment and I had to close my eyes and bear out the anguish for a long minute so I couldn't even see if Edward had understood. But then suddenly I felt delightfully freezing cold hands on my cheeks. I gasped at the measure of relief, incomplete as it was. He moved his hands down my face to my neck and then my shoulders. By then, his hands had grown almost the same temperature as my body, which was probably running a good ten or twenty degrees hotter than it naturally should have been.

I gasped for breath again, feeling the sudden need for air. I was breathing quickly and suddenly, I felt more cool skin against mine. I opened my eyes briefly and saw Edward, lying pretty much on top of me, his shirt all the way off. He covered my entire torso with his cold skin and I could almost hear the sizzle as our skin met. He had no idea what he was doing for me. I didn't scream for those few blessed minutes, only cried and breathed slowly. Eventually what had happened to his hands happened to his whole chest and he got up, realizing he wasn't helping anymore. But I was desperate. I began to cry out again, shamelessly crying for some sort of help without being able to make any sort of words.

But there was no relief for a good few minutes. I opened my eyes and looked around for a second and Edward had gone. I didn't know what to do alone, but I couldn't really do anything anyway other than suffer, so I lay there in agony and just cried. But minutes after I had discovered Edward had gone, I felt tiny little cold spots appear on my body and then disappear rapidly. I managed to open my eyes even though the pain had intensified to somewhere it hadn't even begun to approach before and was making every second living hell. Edward was there again, placing ice cubes on my skin. As soon as he did so they melted and disappeared into puddles.

I don't know how long Edward tortured me with relief from ice cubes before he either didn't have any more or it stopped helping. It felt like minutes but for all I knew it could have been hours. By that time his skin had cooled down again and he did as he had done before, first placing his hands on my face and then laying with me, letting the frigid temperature from his body cool mine for a little while before he had to move away.

And then I blacked out for some time. I had very little consciousness. I couldn't keep my thoughts together or remember things the way I wanted to. Not that it was easy in the first place to keep any sort of tough pattern really, but just sitting there and attempting to gather a thought for those hours was impossible. I was jumbled, my mind a mess, my body still in hellish agony, my thoughts all but nonexistent, and everything seemed to be slowly melting away.

And then the pain stopped. I gasped a long, surprised, relieved breath. And then I sat up. I didn't really know what was happening but I knew I had been lying there for far too long. I remembered the pain I had been going through for what had felt like eons. I knew somewhere, distantly, that it was only days, but that didn't stop the way the memory seemed to stretch on forever. I looked down at myself and glanced at my skin, the pale, alabaster color it held, the perfection. I looked down further and noticed the tattered remnants of clothing that was still miraculously gathered about me, clinging to its seams. And I saw the way my sweat had soaked the blankets I was on.

But I didn't know how I had gotten there. I didn't know much. My name was Bella, I could remember that. I knew language, I knew words for things but who was _I_ and what was I doing here?

And then the door opened and a bare-chested, heart-breakingly beautiful man entered, his bronze hair and golden eyes seemed so familiar. He stood there in that doorway for a moment without movement. I inhaled slowly and caught the scent off of his skin, delightfully sweet and still somehow masculine. I recognized it again, feeling my mind working to remember what was not all there. And then he broke me.

He spoke.

"Oh my…Bella," he muttered, not really understanding. And neither did I for a moment.

And then it hit me.

"Edward," I said slowly. I opened my mouth and suddenly things came flying back to me, the way he had laid literally on top of me to keep me somewhat comfortable during the change and that he hadn't left my side except to retrieve ice to cool my burning flesh. I had the distinct impression that I knew him from more than just those moments, but at that second it didn't matter. His face broke into a grin and he literally launched himself at me.

He embraced me tightly, pulling me in against is body, holding me. I couldn't move or speak for a long moment, and somehow, cradled against his chest, being held the way I was, I didn't really want to. I felt so _right_ there in his arms and so I embraced him in return, not sure why I was, but feeling as though that too was simply _right_.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, suddenly pulling away from me. "You probably don't even remember who I am and here I am jumping on you. I apologize."

I said nothing, only stared into his eyes and I saw myself reflected in them. I was about to comment on my appearance—disheveled as I appeared—and then a sudden, burning ache ripped through me. At first I was terrified that it was the same burning pain again, coming back to torture me further, but this man, Edward—whose name I had remembered but didn't know how—gave me a knowing look.

"You should hunt, you need blood," he told me. At first I was repulsed by the idea. But then he went to the other side of the room and threw open the window. With it the scent of the outside caught me. There was pine, from the trees, and fresh water from a nearby stream. I could even smell the blossoms of tiny flowers. But before I had a chance to revel in this sensory acuity Edward looked out and down and then gestured for me to follow him.

He jumped right out the window. I crossed the room, much faster than I thought I should have been able to and looked down at him as he stood below me.

"Come down, my Bella," he called. I could tell he wasn't speaking too loudly, but I could hear him without straining.

"I'll break both my legs," I argued, pausing momentarily at the quality of my voice. He laughed and shook his head. And perhaps because nothing was making sense yet and I had no reason not to, I jumped out after him. I landed neatly on my feet and rose to my full height beside him, still shirtless. But I couldn't focus much on that at the moment because that ache tore through me once more and I needed to quench it somehow, to make it stop.

And then I smelled something. I could hear the heartbeat a moment later but it was the scent, the smell of blood very close and promising to slake this hunger that had risen inside me—now that I had realized that it was hunger. I ran after it. I didn't really know what I was doing but I chased the scent and the beating heart until I had tackled something very alive and bit down without thinking.

Ambrosia entered my mouth. It was bittersweet, but I could hardly care. It wasn't the flavor I was concerned with so much as the ability of the meal to sate the thirst and the pounding, aching pain that seared through my veins. It was too like the pain I had just gone through for me to suffer it willingly.

And then suddenly my meal was complete and I felt satiated, at least, to a degree. I could think again and I was sane, no longer scattered thoughts. It was only then that I really began to wonder what was going on. I woke up, alone, in clothes that were all but destroyed and the found myself drinking the blood of an animal that I had needed to stop a hunger I hadn't ever remembered feeling before. And then it hit me.

I couldn't remember anything. I tried to think beyond the few minutes I had just experienced and the earth-shattering pain, but I could not. I had recalled that man's name from some miracle, but nothing else.

"Bella?" the same soft, melodious voice called my name. It seemed like it was an angel speaking, something holy. I couldn't remember voices other than my own, and even mine paled in comparison.

"What is happening to me?" I asked.

"It is not so much what is happening now as it is what has happened to you in the past."

I stared at him, his bare chest, those _eyes_ that seemed to stare right through me as though they knew me more than I did.

"Your name," he continued, "is Isabella Marie Swan. You _were_ a human girl that made the choice to be changed into what you are now, a vampire. I suppose with that you might have some questions about all of this, about what you are and how this all works and why you don't remember anything. And for that I think it would be best for you to talk to my father, he has more answers than I do."

I nodded and inhaled deeply once more. I again took in the scents of the forest, the trees and plants, the rich earth beneath my feet, other animals far away, the one I had just killed, the stream that I could now hear bubbling not far away, but mostly I smelled this man, this Edward. His scent comforted me for some unknown reason. It was like something familiar in an unfamiliar place.

He began to walk and without asking questions, I followed. I was too involved in my own thought process to bother to ask him anything at the moment. I had been human. Human I knew. It was a fragile form that looked much like mine, but I was not a human anymore. I was a vampire. The word felt foreign in my mind, not because I didn't know it but because I didn't know of it in relation to myself.

"If I was a human girl," I said quietly as Edward and I rounded on a house I didn't ever remember seeing, "why would I choose to become a vampire?" I asked. It was not a rhetorical question, I honestly had no idea. Edward stopped and smiled inwardly.

"Love," he said. With that one word he resumed walking and we reached the front door of the house. I reached for the handle and Edward's hand caught my wrist. I looked at him, puzzled.

"I think perhaps, for a while at least, I should do things like these. Until you get a handle on your abilities," he said. I sighed and shrugged, stepping back and letting him open the door. He grinned back at me slowly and with this look in his eyes I didn't understand.

"Who did I love?" I asked. He bit his lip to control a laugh.

"All in good time, Bella, now, would you like to ask my father some questions?" he inquired. The sound of his voice once again made me pause and I nodded, not trusting my own voice to make a sound so beautiful as his. He nodded and then glanced at himself and then back at me.

"Perhaps while you speak with my father, I will retrieve my shirt," he said with mirth. I laughed. While I could not complain about seeing his bare chest, he did look out of place there, half naked. We walked into the house—which I could only assume was his—and in the front room, a spacious foyer with comfortable looking furniture sat six other individuals. They were each different and yet the same. There was something familiar about them, and I could tell that they were connected in some unnamable way, but I couldn't tell much beyond that. A man stood, a gorgeous blond man, whose eyes resembled Edward's. He smiled warmly at me. His name was somewhere right behind this barrier and I couldn't quite grasp it. I felt that way about each of them. They were so familiar but so foreign that it was driving me crazy.

"Bella, my name is Carlisle. This is my wife Esme, and my children, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and I think you already met Edward," he said with a calm smile. I nodded. He told me to take a seat and I did so. Without prompting he began to speak and explain. He told me about what I was now, not so much about my past. He explained my cravings, my needs, how they lived and the traditional way to live as a vampire. He told me much about their way of life, who they were, their family, and what my options were. It was a lot of things to remember, but it was not any of the information I truly wanted. I was grateful for the explanation, but really, I just wanted to now who I had been.

He had explained that after the change we were left with very few memories and all of them, the few you were provided, would be rather hazy and hard to make out. But that didn't hearten me.

"Thank you for your answers, Carlisle," I said.

"But they aren't the ones you want," he replied. I raised an eyebrow.

"Are you reading my mind?" I asked jokingly. He shook his head.

"Actually that is my son's talent, ironically. If you want the answers that you truly seek, you should ask Edward. He knew you best," Carlisle said. I looked around and found Edward once more and felt the same feeling of knowing.

"Is that true?" I asked him. He smiled and nodded.

"I am afraid so. Ask me anything you like."

I stared at him for a long moment.

"Who did I love?" I asked him. He smiled sadly and his pixie-like sister Alice looked at him. I didn't understand why he had been so reluctant to answer it before and why he was having such trouble answering it now, but if I had been so motivated by love to change _what_ I was, there must have been a profound reason.

"Me, Bella…you loved me. And I love you," he said quietly. I stared at him and suddenly it made a sort of sick sense, how it had felt to be in his arms, the way I felt this sort of instinct to pull him to me when he had taken me against his body, the familiarity of his scent and how I managed to know his name.

"You don't remember, do you?" he asked. In his voice there was knowing but also sadness and I wasn't sure I could handle it. I shook my head.

"You're familiar, but I don't remember anything like that," I said quietly. He nodded.

"You just woke up, I can't expect you to remember," he said. "Is there anything else you would like to know?" he inquired. As he asked his family disappeared and we were alone. I saw them all go, moving out of the room in a careful silence. I stared back at Edward.

"Tell me everything," I said. He laughed quietly.

"Well, to be honest Bella, we knew each other a long time ago, years ago in fact, and we fell in love. And then something happened to me, something we can talk about more if you wish at another time when things aren't so new, and I had to be changed. And…you were still the human girl I had left. I couldn't see you for three years but…you waited for me like the seraph you were. And then you came with me and we stayed together for a time before eventually you decided it was necessary to change and be like us for your own safety and personal reasons that you never really explained other than that you wanted to be equals. That is your basic history, although not in as much detail as I wish I could give you. I don't really now much about the times before I was changed, obviously, because I had little memory of it as well.

"But I think more important than all of that is _who_ you were," he finally murmured. I looked at him, his utter perfection, the way his eyes drifted off as though remembering something. When he looked back at me he smiled, slowly and purposefully. It was something so magnificent I wasn't sure if I really knew where to begin describing it.

"And who was I?" I inquired.

"The most beautiful, caring, loving, passionate, courageous, klutzy in the most adorable way, stubborn, angelic woman I have ever had the privilege to set my eyes upon," he said. I knew as he said them that he believed each and every word he spoke. He _had_ loved me, and as far as I could tell, that look he gave me—the one I wasn't sure what to do with that gave me shivers—was communicating that he still did.

"I wish I knew what to say to that."

He grinned but there was sadness in those ocher eyes.

"You don't have to say anything at all, Bella. I know that there isn't much you can do at this point. If you get memories back, if you recall anything about us, then we can talk but, hearing me profess such profound love probably isn't helpful," he said with a shrug that was meant to be casual but only displayed how hard it was for him to know I didn't remember him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. He looked up at me with confusion in his eyes.

"It isn't your fault, Bella. You don't need to apologize for what you are," he replied cautiously. There was a moment of stiff silence when I could tell there were so many things he wanted to tell me but was holding back. And while I wanted to assure him that he could tell me anything he wanted, I thought that perhaps it _was_ best for him to keep it to himself for the moment. I didn't know how much more information I could handle at the moment.

"Do you want to go change, Bella? put on other clothing that isn't torn to pieces and soaked in sweat?" he asked. I looked down at myself again and noticed once more the tattered condition of my clothes and nodded wordlessly. Edward offered to show me where my room had been and where my clothes were. I followed him, silently memorizing the turns it took me to get here. When we got to the room, Edward pointed to a large wardrobe that apparently held my clothes inside. He then left me alone to get dressed, closing the door behind him.

I went to the wardrobe and opened it, and hanging there were some clothing that I assumed to be mine which I confirmed by the way they smelled, but also clothing that I knew defiantly was not. It was a man's clothing, button down shirts, and in the drawers beneath were pants and men's underwear and socks that were not meant for a woman. It was so strange to see my clothes mixed with someone else's this way. I breathed in the scent on the clothing and I could smell Edward on most of them. It was his things that were interspersed so casually beside mine. And then before I could think on it any longer I was hit with two memories, one right after the other, the second one literally knocking me over.

The first was of something innocuous, a beautiful but scarred woman and I talking in her kitchen until her husband came in when our conversation ended abruptly. Receiving that memory at all was strange in the first place and I was barely getting over the feeling of my mind being invaded when the second one came and when it did I was not prepared for it.

I didn't know where we were, but what I did know was the clarity of which I could feel everything that was happening. Edward was placing gentle kisses all over my face, telling me he loved me after each and every one. And then he kissed me in earnest, his lips touching mine in an incredibly impassioned way, and I felt myself get wrapped in his arms and practically melt into him.

When the memory faded, obviously not complete but certainly over, I literally fell over. I hadn't known I could feel anything like that and I had no idea a person could communicate a feeling with such a gesture. I could still feel it in me, the joy, the love, the passion and the _need_ for him, something that above all other things, made my body shake. I didn't know how to react to it, sitting on that floor, clothes in hand. It made me want to cry, but as far as Carlisle had told me, I wasn't physically capable of shedding tears.

Edward hadn't been kidding when he said I loved him.

"Bella? Are you all right?" a voice called from the other side of the door. I didn't answer and the door slowly swung open, Edward on the other end of it. He looked at me on the floor and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"I fell," I told him. He stared for a moment and then laughed hysterically. I got up from the ground, miffed that he was laughing at me and also trying to figure out what I was going to do with my recent memories. The first was something I didn't quite grasp, trivial, but the second…the second was something I couldn't even begin to understand.

"I am sorry, Bella, but you must understand, vampires don't…fall," he explained.

"Well apparently I was clumsy as a human and it carried over," I said, my mind still reeling with embarrassment and confusion and somehow that need slipped through to the surface. I ft it swell in my chest, to my not beating heart and come somewhere I didn't know how to hold on to it. Edward must have seen the look on my face because he took a cautious step in my direction.

"May I ask what it is that caused you to do something so atypical?" he asked.

"A memory," I answered equivocally. He raised an eyebrow.

"A memory made you fall over?" he asked in disbelief. I nodded, fighting my own treacherous mind as it replayed the memory once more in my mind and I once more felt not only my own love, but also I could feel his, exuding with every chaste kiss he had planted on my skin and then the one earnest kiss I had been given.

His eyes were gently imploring. "Well, care to share what you remembered?" he asked.

I opened my mouth and did not answer. I swallowed hard and then managed to whisper, "You."

"Well my goodness, Bella, what was I doing that knocked you off your feet?" he asked with a smile.

"You kissed me. And you said that you loved me," I explained, not sure how much sense I was making. I went and sat on the edge of the bed and put my clothes down. Edward came and sat at my side and I was grateful for it. It was strange to be so comforted by someone I didn't know, but my body had ideas of its own, ones that my mind didn't comprehend.

"I've already told you that I love you," he informed me, as though I could have forgotten that moment when he first announced it and the look in his eyes.

"But I…it wasn't…I _felt_ it…I felt it, Edward. It was there, inside of me, this…love and happiness and this need that I don't think I could ever accurately describe to you and it was just so much. I wasn't prepared to see any of that, let alone _feel_ it," I told him. He smiled at me and covered my hand with his, the color of our skin matching so perfectly it wasn't even laughable. He was a stranger to me for all intents and purposes and it was so strange that such little bits of contact could drive me so crazy, but there it was.

"I think I understand," he told me. I looked at him with an inherent question in my eyes. "When I was changed I went years without even knowing who you were. You weren't around to remind me and I couldn't go see you at all. Carlisle described it as my body's natural defense mechanism against the loss I would have felt if I knew there was a woman I loved somewhere and I couldn't see her. So when I did see you in one memory…I felt sick. It isn't possible for us to get sick of course, but I felt genuinely ill. And after that…I kept retrieving new memories of you and I didn't understand any of it until I saw you. I knew our story, I knew for a fact that I _had_ loved you, but that was it. And then suddenly, there you were and I fell for you all over again. It took a while for me to admit it, but there it was.

"I'm not trying to say that my experience will be the same as yours, but believe me, the shock you are feeling is understandable," he explained.

"I wish I remembered more. I wish this feeling made sense," I mumbled. And when Edward reached over and tilted my face toward his I felt the world freeze. I could see his face so clearly when he turned my face to his, see the beauty and perfection there, see his open expression, smell his sweet, comforting scent, and feel the way my stomach dropped completely.

"Nothing makes sense just now, Bella. And how can it, you're adjusting, you're new, so young to this life. Give it time, I promise, it will become clear," he assured me. He was so certain. I blinked rapidly and Edward removed his fingers from where they had been, under my chin and rested them in his lap again. He muttered something about letting me get dressed and got up to leave the room once more.

"Edward," I said before he had completely gone. He stopped and turned.

"I'm sorry I can't be the woman you remember," I said. He smiled at me then, an enigmatic look in his eyes.

"Lovely Bella, I don't think you have to worry about that," he told me before slipping out of the room.

I was left with my thoughts for a long time after that.

He loved me. And at some point, I had loved him, quite ferociously if my single memory of us served me. And so the thought I was left with, the one I was most afraid to think of was the one that plagued my mind.

Does love really overcome all obstacles?


	25. Love and War

The first days went past in a strange, fast forward motion. I could barely go a few hours without hunting, and Carlisle told me it was likely because my instincts and cravings need to be sated by something more substantial. He said we could go hunting for something more fulfilling after a few more weeks when I had gotten a better control of myself. I learned to understand why Edward had insisted on opening the door for me—upon trying to open a different door I wasn't being careful enough and I reached right through it and broke a hole straight to the other side. My body seemed to be ready and willing to take its new strength and speed, but my mind had not adjusted yet. It didn't know what I _had_ been, neither did it truly understand what it currently was. I was still trying to figure out to how to use my body, let alone sort through my mind, which was something that I found I had unending hours to do.

Not being able to sleep was for more troublesome than I thought it was going to be. I couldn't get away from my own thoughts, and they were more than troublesome. When my new strength or speed wasn't confusing me or making me bump into things or break them—something Emmett told me was only possible through my magnificent and profound lack of coordination, a problem he had thought would be cleared up when I changed but had miraculously remained—or my newly heightened senses weren't driving me insane with their acuity, I was buried deep under layers of thoughts and unspeakable ideas and a lack of memory that was more infuriating than anything else. The thirst I could manage. It took me over with a physical need, a primitive instinctive thing that I had come to recognize and was able to understand. But my thoughts and feelings, the damn _feelings_ were a different story entirely.

They came from nowhere. They didn't exist and then the next minute it was like being struck, and there they were, being shoved at me from all sides, infecting me and making me feel weak, _weak_ of all things, the very last thing I was. I didn't react quite so violently as I had when I had first received the memory, but it wasn't as though it didn't continue to affect me. And it wasn't as though I felt particularly interested in talking to anyone about it. I wasn't sure how you would broach such a subject with someone. So I didn't broach it. I suffered through the long hours by myself, secluded for most of it, unsure how to interact, and trying to figure myself out.

It was only a few days before I got a hold of my physical self. I didn't break anymore doors and I had learned to be accustomed to my senses without them running havoc on my already preoccupied mind. What I did not get a hold on were my memories. Carlisle had told me there would be few. I had thought for sure he meant a handful, five or six perhaps, maybe a dozen if I was lucky. But by the time I had been changed for a week I had already had ten memories of my human life come back to me. Half of them were things that I didn't fully comprehend—a dark haired man and I picking berries in some strawberry patch, the same women I had a vision of before talking to me in a sitting room, a bunch of boys and I sitting outside in the sun, handing that same dark haired boy a ring hung on a silver chain. But the others were memories I wasn't sure I could handle having.

The first was of Edward, just him, not me. But I still felt that uncomfortable swell in my chest in this memory. He was playing piano, seated in the all with the piano in this very house, playing and ever so often glancing back at me, with that same look in his eyes I had tried so hard to banish from my mind. It was the one that told me he loved me every time he looked my way, the one that was so full of tender affection but also careful distance it made me sad just to see it. He was still so connected to me and I was torn between the unfamiliarity with him and that strange, unstoppable feeling that seated itself in my stomach that made me just want to reach out and touch him.

The other memories were incredible. One was of the two of us, running like fools out into the night, laughing as we went along, Edward's hand securely twined with mine, his soft, urgent voice ushering me along. But again it was less the seeing and hearing than it was the wild emotion I was privy to. There was something so wanton and free about how I had felt that night with him. It was an emotion I didn't mind indulging in.

But there were two that were intense in an overwhelming way, so like the first I had of the two of us. The first was a moment of clarity, a moment when I saw his face—those golden eyes, the bronze hair that was swept across his forehead, obscuring his vision, the inhuman radiant glitter of his pale skin in the sun light, that ridiculous giddy smile and I watched his perfect hands take mine and slide something small and glinting onto my ring finger. He was saying something about how he could get a different one if I didn't like it but then the memory faded out. But in my mind I paused it and looked down at my hand, saw the ring there. I had forgotten some things about human tradition, but not that. There was only one reason a man gave a woman a ring like that and slid it onto her finger in such a way.

We had been engaged. He and I had been so in love we were going to get married. That had sent me reeling. I hadn't known it was so serious, that he had wanted me that way. I suppose it should have been obvious with the way he talked to me, the look he gave me, positively everything about us, but I had failed to see it. I also failed to see a ring on my finger now, which only led me to believe that Edward had taken it off of me and put it somewhere until there was a time he would need to explain.

But even that one hadn't been the worst.

I was happy I was by myself when I got most of these memories back, but never so happy as when I got the last one.

It was Edward, lying on the ground, sputtering, breathing through a film of blood, _dying_ there in my arms and I could do nothing but sob. Pain ripped through me like nothing I had ever known. The change had been excruciating, but this had come from somewhere else completely. It originated in my center, not my skin, and radiated out with sick agility and complete hold over me. But this memory was not over yet. It was broken, I could tell that at least, but it was not over, far from it in fact. I had then watched as Carlisle bit his son, much as he had bitten me and changed him to save him. I had felt a sort of sick relief then, knowing at least he would be alive and then eventually we could work things out. But then Carlisle had told me, and these were the only words I could clearly make out of all the talking that went on, that I couldn't see him and that he might not remember me. My stomach had bottomed out then and my heart split in two. And then, mercifully, the memory ended. It was by far the longest memory I had, but it was also the worst.

I had lain on my floor, gasping for breath for a long time, trying to make the residual hurt in my body go away before I was able to get up and be anything like productive. I sobbed silently, my body shaking, my eyes clenched against tears that didn't come, trying to hold myself together against something that had a mind of its own. I had no control over my own body, an all too familiar feeling, but this time it wasn't something so innocuous as breaking a hole through a door, I had just had a figurative hole ripped through my body.

"I can't take it anymore, Edward! Go talk to her, please, her emotions are driving me insane!" someone called, and I could tell it was Jasper by the sound of his voice. The door to my room was thrown open and Edward peeked inside. It was the first time he and I had really talked since the first day I was changed. I had been too confused, my thoughts and feelings and everything else so muddled that I didn't really want to talk to anyone, let alone a man who loved me and had no qualms about telling me so.

Edward's face was confused as he looked at me, sitting on my floor once again as he shut the door so quietly behind him, leaving Jasper to mutter about getting some semblance of peace. Without a word he crossed the room to me and extended his hand to help me up. I accepted it gratefully, not really sure I was able to do it on my own anyway. I had never imagined emotions could manifest so physically, but there it was, staring me in the face how wrong I had been about things I did not know.

"Jasper says you have been up and down so often lately that he thinks he might very well go crazy with your emotions if you don't get a handle on them," he said with a trace of amusement.

"I keep…remembering," I told him. He nodded as though allowing me to stop if I wished or continue if I so chose. For a moment I said nothing and then as though I had been waiting to, I told him about all of them. With each memory I told him about, he explained a bit more about my past. He told me who the dark haired man was, who the other boys were, more about Emily, the scarred woman, and about the events that had led to his and my first meeting—my arranged marriage, his father being a doctor and everything he had been told by both his father and I at separate times.

He told me as much of the story as he knew or remembered himself, which was not complete of course, _his_ human memories were as scattered as mine, and some of them had nothing to do with him and so he could not fill in the blanks to me. But the ones that did include him were ones he had no trouble telling me about in detail so far as he was able to remember. The one of him at the piano he remembered clearly enough, it occurred when he was a vampire. The one I remembered when we were running together was something that had happened when we were both human as far as he could tell, he certainly didn't remember it. But he asked me to describe it to him anyway and he smiled when he heard me talk about it.

"That doesn't sound half bad. I can't imagine it was those memories, any of them in fact, that had Jasper so up in arms," he said quietly, slyly drawing answers out of me without truly having to ask. It was that damn charm. I hated and loved him for it.

"There were two that were slightly less…innocuous," I admitted. I told him first about the one in which he gave me an engagement ring. I couldn't very well explain the one that was still resonating about my body, at least not that very moment. He listened to me tell him about a moment he already knew about, about the ring I no longer had on and when I was done I finally met his eyes and he grinned at me.

"I took the ring off of you before you changed. It wasn't a good idea to have it on in case you scratched yourself with it while you were changing and I didn't want you to have to wonder about it when you awoke. You were already confused and I was enough to perplex you as it was, let alone an engagement ring. I hope you aren't angry with me for that," he said. I shook my head. Of course I wasn't. He was right. I couldn't imagine what I would have done if I had awoke with a ring on my finger and then seen beautiful Edward.

"Was that the bad one?" he asked. I looked at him, perplexed.

"Well, first of all, no it wasn't the bad one. And second, who said there was a bad one?" I inquired.

"Jasper, he almost dropped to his knees downstairs. He didn't have to tell me per say, I got it well enough from his thoughts as he was trying to block out your emotions. They were pretty intense," he explained. I swallowed hard and tried to get past the lump in my throat.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he assured me, as though he was afraid he was making me tell him even though I didn't want to. I shook my head. That wasn't it at all. I wasn't sure how to explain what had happened to me. So I started from the beginning and hoped it would make sense.

"I saw…you die. And you change. And I heard Carlisle telling me I couldn't see you and that you might not remember me. And it was just like the others. It wasn't so much the memory in and of itself, heartbreaking as it was. It was…feeling the emotion in it, stored there. It's like my emotions, the human ones, got preserved in the memories themselves and when I remember what happened I can't help but feel what I felt then. And human Bella…she was absolutely heart broken, she was dying right there with you, and so was I. And I don't understand it, I don't know why I can't stop this from happening. I know you all told me about regaining your memories and even yours specifically and how it hurt to see me, but Edward did you _feel_ them this way?"

Edward shook his head.

"I didn't, no. at least not to the degree you are. But also didn't ever regain memories of such emotional magnitude. Mine were of snapshots of you, and a few of us being…intimate…but nothing like watching someone you love die, or feeling that kind of loss. I wish I knew what to tell you to make it better, Bella. I cant take away that hurt, or change how you felt about it, because as you have already said, they were the emotions that were tied in those memories, not the emotions you had in relation to them. If that were the case then we could take about them and maybe I could make you feel better, but as you called her 'human Bella' already felt them and now you experienced them through her."

"It's so strange, feeling like we are two separate people, and knowing that we aren't," I said. He nodded, and I could tell he understood.

"Bella, you could rumination who she was and who you are and whether you and she are the same or different or both or neither, but really, in the end, it doesn't matter. She is you and you are she and her memories are part of who you are and you couldn't _be_ without her, but you are also different. Never forget that just because we knew you as a human doesn't mean we won't accept you as a vampire. You changed to be a part of our family, Bella, not to be left out of it," he said. I looked away. I didn't know how much my seclusion had been noticed, or not noticed 

as the case may have been. But Edward had found a way to subtly and unassumingly tell me that they had of course noticed my absence and didn't want me to think I had to be a recluse.

"I'm not doing it because of any of you, believe me. But you must understand what its like to be in a place full of people who know you when you don't even know yourself yet," I said. He nodded and raised his eyebrows as if to say, _tell me about it_. I had forgotten momentarily that his family and he had been in this same precarious position after he woke from his own change.

"Well if there is anything we can do, please tell me," he said earnestly.

"I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure what I would even ask for," I said lightheartedly. He nodded in understanding.

"Is there anything _I_ can do for you?" he inquired, his voice softer. I looked at him for a long moment.

"I don't know why you are so glutton for punishment. Being around me is only going to remind you of what we don't have anymore," I told him. He shrugged.

"How can I make you fall in love with me again if I don't spend any time with you?" he asked in return with a grin plastered upon his perfect face. I could tell he was trying to joke around but I also knew he was serious. He wasn't just going to give up on me.

"Edward…after you were changed and we met again…how did it work? I mean, how did you operate knowing that I loved you so much but not feeling the same way about me?" I asked.

"I don't really know how to explain it to you in words, Bella, but do you trust me?" he asked. I nodded in an unequivocal yes. I did trust him. I had shown that when I jumped out of a damn window after him even though I hadn't known why or if I would even survive the fall. And now talking to him I was telling him things I wasn't even sure should have been spoken, let him in to what I was thinking, how I was feeling and it was as though he understood each and every thing I told him.

"Then let me show you," he suggested. I nodded again, slightly more hesitant.

He stepped in my direction and I remained still, completely unmoving. He watched me with careful eyes in the silence and when he was close enough that our bodies were almost touching he stopped and looked down at me. I was still motionless, not sure what I would do if I even had the slightest clue how to react to Edward's proximity. As it was my insides had tied themselves in knots at his mere propinquity. I knew he was supposed to baffle humans, it was a trait we all held, unearthly beauty to mystify them for when we hunted, but it wasn't supposed to work so well on other vampires. But something about him made my muscles tense and my palms itch. I bit my lip, hard, not knowing what else to do.

But my lips parted of their own accord when he brought his hands to my face, holding it between them lightly that same soft smile on his lips, that look I hated and loved so very much in his ocher eyes. He didn't say a thing only stood with me that way, a mere inch between us, his hands on my face. I don't know how long we just stood there, staring at the other. I didn't want to look away.

Eventually his hands dropped down from my cheeks and caught my own hands, bringing them up to his own face and planting a kiss on the back of my knuckles. Without a single word he nodded to me and then walked out the door before I even had the courage to breathe.

I didn't know what he had meant to do by that other than drive me crazy, but he had accomplished that at least. There was a feeling, another damned feeling, squirming inside of me, making my stomach feel like it was doing back flips. I didn't move from the spot he had left me in until I needed to hunt.

* * *

After that day things were different. I was still trying to sort things out, but it was so much easier. I finally realized what Edward had been trying to tell me—even though he hadn't loved me consciously, he had a connection to me that was unshakeable. He had proved that point in making me feel like my skin was the only thing keeping me together when all he had done was touch me, and only barely. I didn't know what I felt, for anyone at the moment, let alone Edward, but I did know that there was something about him my subconscious recognized.

I tried to integrate myself more thoroughly into everyday life with the family, tried spending time with people. And at first it was difficult for me, not remembering things that had happened or knowing what my previous relationships with people had been. But as days turned into a week and a week into two I seemed to meld more effortlessly into the dynamic.

Alice and Rosalie, Edward's sisters, and my sisters as far as the two of them were concerned, spent the most time with me at first, and then of course there was Emmett, gigantic as he was, he was the living definition of a teddy bear. They took me hunting one afternoon, Edward staying behind this time. He was determined to give me space and not pressure me into something I was not ready for, for which I could never have accurately thanked him. And so I thought I was just going to go for a hunt with a family, my family as I was coming to think of them.

I was wrong.

We hunted without any particular challenges. It was nice to have something to actually _hunt_ instead of deer. I took down a wolf without much trouble and felt better than I had in days. I knew that the bigger prey I took down the more satisfied my thirst would be. If I only hunted deer I needed to go once a day at the least. But I could go two or three days on something bigger like a wolf or the occasional mountain lion or black bear we found in these woods.

The four of us convened back where we had started, about an hour's run from the house. I didn't mind running a bit, it was nice to finally be able to put my speed to some good use. It made me feel more natural and gave me a way to let loose some of the tension that built in my muscles from feeling like I wasn't really moving.

I was just about to start up running home when Emmett's hand caught my arm. His fingers were able to wrap all the way around my upper arm. I looked at him, bemused and he smiled in a tired kind of way and nodded toward the girls. Alice was giving him a satisfied smile and I narrowed my eyes in her direction.

"I think we should have a quick talk while we are out here, Bella, and away from the house," Alice told me. I looked at her with suspicion and puzzlement in my eyes but sighed and spread my arms in front of me as if to tell her to go ahead.

"It's about Edward," Rose told me. I sighed. Of course it was.

"What has he told you, Bella, about the two of you?" she asked me.

"That when we were human we met and fell in love, and then he got hurt and was close to death so Carlisle changed him. After a few years he came back for me and I left the place I was living to come stay with you. Of course my being human and his being a vampire made our relationship difficult, but he tried his best. And we were close again, in love like we had been and then things happened and it became increasingly obvious to just about everyone that my being human was not the smartest path and that's when I was changed. Does that about sum it up?" I asked.

I knew there was a bit more to it, I knew about my arrange marriage and about my almost dying outside his house after I had fallen and Jasper had gotten the scent of my blood, I knew about our nightly trysts and about Emily, the woman that had helped me keep my secret and about her death at the hands of vampires that Edward and his family, along with a pack of werewolves had subsequently destroyed. But the details were not necessary to the basic line of the story. But after my perfunctory telling all three of them looked at each other and sighed.

"Bella, while your story is…accurate, it is also missing things," Alice informed me. "Edward doesn't remember a lot of things from your human lives, and he would not want to tell you things that he deemed to be 'too much' for you. He has informed us all that we are supposed to be understanding of your current relationship―"

"Or lack thereof," Emmett inserted. Alice rolled her eyes but continued.

"And that we aren't supposed to push you into things. He believes that things will fall naturally into place."

"You don't?" I asked.

"Bella," Rosalie interjected, "it isn't that we don't believe that you two will eventually work things out and that you two are meant to be together, regardless if you are willing to hear that just yet. But…you don't see him when he isn't with you. He is miserable. He hates being without you. And believe me, we all remember this adjustment period, how confusing it is, and I can't imagine what it must be like, in a room full of people who knew you for years and now you have to meet them all over again, but Bella…he misses you. And none of us can make it better. He's not whole without you."

"We aren't saying you should make yourself uncomfortable in order to cheer him up," Emmett told me.

"Far from it," Alice agreed.

"But could you try? Maybe spend some time with him? You act like he's a pariah instead of a man who loves you, Bella. It hurts him."

I looked at Emmett. I had no idea Edward felt this way. And of course he wouldn't tell me, he wouldn't want to upset me. But if he was hurting I couldn't just let it go on. He had given up a lot for me. He had fought and tried day in and out for me.

"I don't mean to do that, you know," I informed them, staring at my feet before gaining a measure of confidence, enough to look up. "It is just that whenever we talk I feel…so weak. It's the absolute strangest thing and it's like he _knows_ it. I can't help how my body reacts to him or the fact that in my memories I can feel what it would be like to love him but…if I fall in love with him, I want him on my terms, not on ones that existed before. Things were different then, I was different then."

"Understandable," Alice said. "Will you at least spend some time with him? Jasper can't take his moods on top of yours." She grinned at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, I will spend time with him. But…never mind," I said, stopping myself short. Alice and Rosalie exchanged a glance and then shrugged and set off for home. I stood there for a moment and then was almost off before Emmett said my name and made me stop. I turned and looked back at him.

"But what, Bella?" he asked. I glanced around, back down at my feet, and then back at Emmett, who was still just standing there, waiting.

"He tells me he loves me, Emmett, but how can he? I hardly know who I am," I confessed.

"He knows who you are, Bella. Even if you are unsure," he said. I shook my head.

"He knows who I used to be, Emmett, but who is to say that I am the same as I used to be?" I asked. He smiled and shook his head slowly.

"Bella, you seem to be under the impression that who you are and who you were are very different people, let me inform you of something, they aren't. Your personality hasn't changed a bit. You might not remember how you were, but you are not any different. You aren't going to disappoint him being a woman he doesn't know. Because you are just Bella to him, you always were and you always will be no matter what happens. None of that will change," he told me.

"Emmett―"

"You don't have to explain it to me, Bella. I understand the feeling of not understanding who you are. Just remember that he loves you—we all love you—for who you are, not who you were. No one sits around saying 'man, human Bella was so much more fun', I promise."

"You sure?" I asked sourly, noting my behavior of late had been in a slight attempt to be social but that didn't negate the weeks I spent by myself.

"Positive. Personally, I think I like you better now. You're just as ridiculous and amusing but I don't have to worry about smelling your blood and wanting to eat you," he informed me with a chuckle.

"You know, I think human Bella would have thanked you for not ever mentioning that to me when I was in mortal form," I replied. He laughed and then informed me he was planning on racing me back home before taking off.

I beat him home.

I was waiting, leaning against the side of the house with a smug grin on my face when he finally got there, about ten seconds after I did. He looked happy with triumph, as though he was sure he had won but then his expression flattened. I smiled at him brightly.

"Good thing we didn't bet on that or you'd owe me big time," I teased.

"Yeah sure…I let you beat me," he said.

"I'm sure."

"You coming inside," he asked, motioning to the door that I wasn't making any move to get any closer to. I shook my head.

"It smells fresh outside today. I like it. I think I'll sit out here for a while, enjoy the sunshine."

"Have it your way," he said, and reached down to me, his massive hand ruffling my hair. I could feel it prickling in the wrong direction. He knew it drove me crazy and he did it anyway. I glared at him.

"Must you?"

"I think so, yes." I rolled my eyes at him. "Remember what I said, Bella," he reminded me. I nodded and then we went our separate ways, he to the inside of our house, me to the middle of the front yard. I flopped down upon the ground, ignoring the way it shook when I did so. I lay there, my eyes closed, basking in the warmth of the sun. It felt so strange now, sunlight. Not that I particularly remembered what it felt like to have sun on my face as a human, but as a vampire it was like being comforted.

"Mind if I join you?"

I didn't have to open my eyes to know who had spoken. I heard the uncertainty in Edward's voice and could almost tell that Alice and Rosalie had sent him out here with me.

"Sure thing, Edward," I said, keeping my eyes closed to the bright sun. It wasn't as though it hurt my eyes to open them, but I seeing Edward's skin shimmering in the light would only make my stomach twist in those oh so familiar knots. It was already half way there just because he was here, let alone if I had to be literally faced with such splendor.

It occurred to me then that I _wanted_ to love him. I wanted to feel like I remembered feeling, utterly overcome with that emotion. As Edward sank down to the ground, a motion that was graceful and would have been inaudible if I hadn't been graced with such acute senses, I couldn't tell if I was heartened or distraught by knowing this about myself. It was so odd, knowing that even though I hardly knew him anymore, even though we had a past, even though I knew that I had loved him once, I didn't know if I did right then but I _wanted_ to.

I smiled slightly and just lay there waiting for Edward to say something or see if he was waiting just like I was. When minutes passed in silence I opened my eyes and turned to my left, where Edward was. His face was turned exactly as mine had been, eyes closed up to the sun and he seemed content.

_You act like he's a pariah instead of a man who loves you, Bella. It hurts him._

I hadn't realized what my seclusion and my aversion of Edward, if only to avoid disappointing him, was doing to him. Obviously he had confessed some of this to at least one of them—my guess was on Alice—and she had decided to take the matter into her own hands. Somehow, even though I obviously couldn't be sure, I had a feeling that was very classically Alice.

"Edward?" I said quietly. His face perked.

"Yes, Bella?"

"I think I need to apologize to you."

At this he opened his eyes, which had darkened considerably, but were not quite black yet. He was gong to need to hunt soon.

"Whatever for?"

"I'm sure you aren't going to be happy with them, but when we went hunting today Alice, Rosalie and Emmett found it necessary to have a…chat with me. I didn't realize how much how I have been acting has been affecting you, Edward. I feel horrible that I've been hurting you; I never meant to do that. But why didn't you tell me?" I asked. His face had contorted into one of distaste as soon as all of my words had left my mouth and instead of feeling like I should have retracted them, I felt more justified in saying them. That reaction meant that I had been right about what I said.

"I didn't tell you because there was no need to saddle you with my emotions as well as your own. You had other things to think about. It wasn't necessary to tell you something that wasn't going to change anything," he explained. I sat straight up and Edward followed suit, his face perplexed. I must have looked at him strangely. I _felt_ strange. Why would he think that? Why would he assume that if he told me how he felt that it wouldn't change a thing, that I wouldn't want to make it better?

"I don't understand why you assume that nothing would change if you told me how you felt," I said. He opened his mouth, but took a moment to respond.

"Bella, why would I burden you with such a thing as my happiness?" he inquired.

"Why do you think I would consider it a burden? Edward, just because I can't define what you make me feel doesn't mean that I want you to be unhappy," I told him. My words made him smile.

"I appreciate it. And, well, if you had to try, what would you describe the feeling as?" he asked, changing the subkect with more timidity than I had ever witnessed in him.

"I honestly don't know, I can't…I can't make myself feel on command, Edward."

"Should I remind you?" he questioned. Before I had any idea what he was talking about he leaned over to me and whispered "Close your eyes."

I had told him I trusted him not long before and that still stood true. But as I remembered what had happened last time he had decided to show me something I felt the familiar nervous energy build in my muscles. Regardless I closed my eyes slowly and breathed out a slow breath I hadn't realized I had been holding.

"Thank you," he whispered, the smile he had on evident in his voice. I felt nimble hands pick up my fingers from my lap and lift them, bringing my palms to his lips where he blessed each one with a gossamer kiss before putting them back down. Those same hands traced the outline of my face ever so slowly. I felt him lean in again and place his cheek, warmed like mine from the sun, against my own and breathe in slowly.

"Do you remember now?" he asked in a low, quiet voice. I nodded, not remembering how to speak at the moment. The texture of his skin as it touched mine was something I was unfamiliar with. I didn't touch anyone often, but then I realized I wish I had. My sense of touch was just as acute as my others, but I had yet to particularly indulge it. But that single moment, with his skin against mine ignited that same need in me that I had experienced only when I was around him.

"Care to share or are you going to torture me with your silence?" he inquired. I felt him draw away and for a second I felt myself starting to shake. I didn't want to lose contact with him. There was something in me that had brightened when he had gotten so close. I felt like I was going to just shake to pieces if he moved away from me.

So acting out of instinct and nothing else I propelled myself into him, if only to prolong the strange, sunny, ready to surrender feeling that emerged from my chest. He rocked back and caught me with a laugh, steadying me on his lap with a smile. It was only a moment later that I realized what I had done and I looked at Edward and saw my own shocked expression reflected in his eyes. He laughed at me again.

"Whoops," I said, ducking my head in embarrassment. "That was an accident."

"You won't find me complaining," he replied with a grin. I couldn't help but smile in return. We shared a moment then where neither of us spoke but t didn't matter. And then I realized I was still sitting in his lap. I wasn't sure if that was where I belonged—even though I had a feeling that there was nowhere else I should have rightfully been—and the moment of silent compatibility turned into something awkward.

"If this makes you uncomfortable…"Edward began, letting go of me completely, leaving me sitting there in his lap, his legs outstretched behind me. The logical part of me, the one that had been holding me back, telling me that I didn't know anything about myself or him or about what we had been beside the brief memories I had, was telling me then that it would probably be a good idea to get off of him. But it was the emotions, the ones that were illogical, unintelligible, and unwilling to listen to reason that made my decision for me in that moment.

"Do you trust me?" I asked, mimicking his own question. He tilted his head to the side and nodded once. I placed my hands gently on his chest and pushed a bit. He seemed to understand me and let his arms slide out from under him. He looked up at me from where he lay on the ground with a questioning eyebrow raised in mirth. I smiled and then lay down there, resting my head right above where his heart was, though it no longer beat. My hands slid up to his shoulders and stayed there, content to remain where they were as he and I both breathed in a single breath in accidental unison.

I felt his hands, the ones that had been touching my face not so long ago stroking my hair gently, running his fingers through the length of it before starting anew at the top of my head. I felt the sun beat down on my back warming my skin, his chest rising and falling under my cheek, smelled the grass and earth beneath us and the warm air that drifted lazily about along with his scent that was rich with its proximity.

I didn't know what had made me want to be close to him that way, but whatever it was I was silently thankful, feeling whole in a way I hadn't in so many weeks. There was an unperceivable gap in me that had been filled somehow since I had just collapsed into what my instincts had been telling me to do.

Because along with the feeling of discomfiture at being loved by someone I didn't know, not wanting to disappointing him by being someone he didn't know, not being sure who I was in the first place, there was also an ever-present voice in the back of my mind that remembered what it felt like to lose him and couldn't stand that kind of pain in anything but second hand. If I had to feel that for real, instead of being able to open my eyes and see him standing right in front of me I would have gone insane. So instincts be damned I tried to keep my distance, subconsciously or in any other way. But I should have seen that was a futile effort. Now that I knew what this felt like, this wholeness, I wasn't sure I would ever give it up. I didn't think I loved him yet, I would have known and recognized that feeling, but this was something.

"Bella," Edward said quietly. I answered with something like 'mmm' and waited for his words.

"Thank you."

"For what?" I asked, my voice muffled by my position against his chest.

"Being honest, talking to me, making me understand. And I promise, Bella, not even I sit around wanting human Bella back," he assured me. He must have heard Emmett's thoughts.

"I don't know if I believe that," I told him. He chuckled, his stomach shaking with it. I liked the feeling.

"Why not?"

"Because human Bella knew you, she already loved you, you didn't have to wait," I answered with a sigh, reminding myself again of what I could not be for him. Before I realized what was happening, Edward sat up and stared into my eyes his arms wrapped around my back, my hands still on his shoulders.

"I would rather wait a thousand years than be without you. Don't ever think anything to the contrary."

"I don't know where you come up with things like that, Edward, but you sure do know how to charm a girl," I admitted.

"Glad to see its working. Now if you don't protest, before I had to correct your grave misgivings, I was quite comfortable," he announced, and the collapsed back upon the ground. I regained my position as I had been and rolled my shoulders back, stretching slowly before allowing myself to truly relax against his body.

And so we remained until the sky opened up above us and drenched us in rain. I had smelled the shift in the air, the wind blowing in another direction carrying with it a heavy smell, the air itself thicker. I should have known that it as going to rain when the sun stopped shining on me and clouds covered the sky but Edward and I were too happy lying there, talking. If it had just been tiny drops at first we would have had time to get back into the house, but when the rain started it poured down from the sky, splashing down on us as though someone had thrown a bucket down on us. I yelped in surprise and jumped up to my feet. Edward was on his feet right after me and we raced into the house, sopping wet.

I was laughing when we got inside, my clothes absolutely sopping, dripping rainwater all over the floor, my hair plastered to my cheeks just as Edward's was stuck to his forehead. I shook it out, trying to get the slick strands off of my face and Edward flinched as I got him even more wet. I laughed at him and continued to do so if only to pester him. He growled playfully and then smirked at me. He had his shirt off and was wringing it out over my head a moment later.

"Hey!" I exclaimed. He grinned.

"All if fair in love and war, dear Bella," he replied.

"And which is this?" I asked with a laugh.

"Oh, I would guess a little bit of both," he said, holding his limp, damp shirt in his hands.

"Is that so?" I asked. He nodded.

"Well how do we know if someone wins?"

"The only way someone can win is if the other gives up, I highly doubt such a thing would happen," he explained.

"You don't think I could get you to give up," I stated skeptically.

"Obviously not," he said with certainty. I felt the wicked grin spread across my face. I didn't know where I got my confidence from or how I had managed to de so bold, but I took a predatory step in his direction and took the damp shirt from his hands dropping it behind me. I glanced outside at the still pouring rain through the open door behind him. I put my hands as they had been on his shoulders, bare now, and leaned into him, mimicking the position we had been in outside, only now we were standing.

"So determined to lose," he said teasingly. I shifted and wrapped my arms around his neck and stood on tiptoe to rest my forehead against his, finding his eyes which had somehow managed to go a shade darker than I remembered them being a moment before. I smiled and Edward gave me a look meant to tell me that I would have to do better than that. But I also noticed he wasn't speaking.

I did similarly as he had, resting my cheek against his breathing slowly and carefully before shifting and doing the same on the other side of his perfect face. I then pulled back some and bit back my ludicrous fear of rejection and timid inclinations, kissing both his cheeks before finding myself so close to his mouth. I had kissed him in memories. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him right then. Of course there was part of me that was begging for it, screaming to just kiss him and get it over with, feel the way I used to finally. But the rest of me knew I would be happier to wait, to make sure I wasn't just caught up in something I couldn't control.

So instead I inched closer so our lips were all but touching and sighed. I knew Edward would never close the space between us for fear of either offending me or taking it to far and upsetting me and so I knew I was in total control of the situation.

So I didn't move. Edward's eyes were glued to mine and I felt him swallow hard a few times, squeezing gently at my lower back where his hands had come to rest at some point. I hadn't noticed. His breathing became shallower, his eyes blurry.

"This is no fair," he whispered and we were so close I could feel his lips move as he spoke.

"Love and war, remember?" I asked. He groaned quietly, whether it was having his words thrown in his face or having this continued proximity to me I wasn't sure. Finally I moved away from him, giving him some relief. I rested back on my heels as he breathed out a slow breath with his eyes closed.

"Are you okay?" I inquired. He nodded, his eyes still closed and when he opened them again he looked perfectly normal.

"Bella, even though I don't have any sort of hunger for your blood any more that doesn't mean I don't still _want_ you," he explained. I couldn't help the surprised look on my face. He chuckled a bit at it but said nothing more.

"So it was more love than war I suppose," I said.

"It always is with you," he replied. We stood there for a moment and then he gave me a playfully menacing look and I stepped back, breaking our contact, acting frightened.

He chased me into the rain.

**awwww adorable Bella and Edward moments. and I also had to include some Emmett goodness, because I'll be honest, I totally love him too! hope you liked this and dont worry, there is more where it all came from!!**


	26. Forever

**I know its been years. But I just wanted to let you know that I never forgot about this. This last chapter isn't much different from the original ch 26 of this story. I just changed a few things around to make it the official last chapter, because I hate unfinished stories. I hope some closure will be helpful for you as well. Many thanks.**

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Edward and I ran and jumped and played and chased each other until the rain ended, almost an hour later. It was ridiculous but so much fun. When we finally returned to the house we were both soaked to the bone and covered in mud. Esme absolutely refused to let us in the house without a serious scrub down. We cleaned up, laughing at how completely covered we both were. When Esme judged us both clean enough to come back inside we both bathed in order to get the remaining mud off of our skin and out of our hair. You couldn't really tell there was any in my hair just by looking, the color was too close to mine. But Edward's hair was streaked with mud from when he had slide tackled me in the middle of the woods. I hadn't thought it was too amusing at the time, but seeing him utterly demolished and still strangely beautiful brought a smile to my face.

Edward, being the eternal gentleman, let me bathe first, and when I was through I went to find some clothing from my wardrobe. Edward had, for the time being until we decided otherwise, moved his things to another bedroom so not to create any confusion or other accidents in which I flashed a member of his family.

We passed each other on my way to my room and his way to the bathroom. We exchanged smiles and I held in a laugh, noticing a spot right below his ear. I could tell he was trying not to stare as I passed him in just a towel and I held in the urge to finally win our little game by accidentally flashing an extra bit of skin. He probably would have gone into spontaneous combustion, so I thought better of it.

I got into my room, and closed to door behind me slowly. I was still amazed at how much control I needed to exhibit to do simple things like close a door, or open my wardrobe, without breaking something. My body was just not meant for such menial tasks, it was possible, completely doable of course, I did it everyday, but everything was made for human strength and human use, it did cater to my strength or abilities.

So while pondering this I opened random drawers in my wardrobe and found clothes to wear. I was digging around in my underwear drawer when I heard the distinct crinkle of paper. Of course my curiosity was piqued and I dug through the garments and withdrew a brown paper bag tied with a piece of string. I stared at it curiously, not remembering where it had come from or what could possibly be inside of it. And so I untied the tiny string and turned the bag over and garments fell onto my bed, shimmering even in the dim light. For a moment I had no idea what I was looking at. And then I realized what they were and practically shrieked. I had no idea why I would have ever needed such things, tiny and shimmery and seductive as they were. As far as Edward had told me we had only ever made love when we were both human, and I would have had absolutely no way to buy something like this while I was living with Jacob. Since then we hadn't been intimate in the least bit, so why would I have purchased them? Did Edward know they were there? How utterly embarrassing!

I held up a few of the negligees, curious. A few of them were more pretty than anything else, but a few of them were absolutely shamelessly enticing, meant for one thing only. And even then I was sure they wouldn't exactly stay on for very long. I had no idea what would have ever possessed me to buy such things, especially while I was human and Edward was a vampire. Had I been insane? Didn't I know that there was no way I could have been with him in any other way than the surely torturous way we already were? Edward was fighting every fiber in his being just to be around me, I knew just my seeing my memories and knowing how difficult it would have been for me to do the same things he was. I must have been completely out of my mind to think to buy lingerie for myself at that point in my life.

But there it was, too many for me to have worn in a week, laying there on my bed. I _had_ bought them and they were still here, even though I had no idea what to do with them. Really, I had no other option than to just pack them back up in their paper bag, tie the string and forget all about them and pray that Edward never found out.

As if my unspoken prayer had been heard and ignored, there came a knock at my door, along with Edward's voice, asking if I was decent. I was frozen, my body unable to move, I couldn't let him in now.

"Bella?" he asked again.

"One moment!" I called desperately. This was one of the many times I loved my vampire speed. I packed up the lingerie in less than ten seconds and shoved it back in my drawer, closing it quickly and pulling on the clothes I had grabbed from my wardrobe. I told Edward he could come in after less than a minute and he opened the door slowly, in case I was still not dressed. I was sitting, trying to play it cool, on my bed smiling with as much innocence as was physically possible for me to muster at that exact moment.

Edward smiled at me for a moment and then his eyes got this skeptical look in them. I smiled wider, trying to contain my utter humiliation at finding such things among my clothes and my guilt for having bought them in the first place. He watched me carefully for a long moment, raising his eyebrows trying to provoke a response. I was struggling under that intense, knowing look. I felt myself start to squirm, just because he was looking at me with this look in his eyes, like he already _knew_ what was going on.

"Are you going to tell me what has that incredibly guilty expression on your face or shall we continue string at each other for a few minutes until you eventually break?" he asked. I opened my mouth to protest the veracity of that statement and then closed it. He was right. If he kept staring at me like that I was sure I go insane. I couldn't handle it. He was slowly but surely wearing away my will, like the tide on a beach.

But I couldn't bring myself to _tell_ him what I had found so I only pointed to my underwear drawer. He gave me a questioning look crouched and opened it, revealing the paper bag sitting on top of any of my underwear. He paused and looked at it for a moment and then just closed the drawer slowly.

"I should have hidden those better," he said with a sigh. I looked at him, my eyes wide. He _knew_ about them. He was the one who had shoved them to the back of the drawer? He looked up at me and my expression must have been amusing, because he laughed hysterically.

"Oh, Bella, why the confusion?" he asked.

"You…_knew_ about those…items?"

"Yes, I knew. It was a long story, but in short, the sisters bought you lingerie as a joke gift for you, and I managed to find out about them. That was actually what led to our first kiss, come to think of it, but I wasn't sure what you would say if you found them, so on one of your many hunting trips I stashed them in the back of your drawer. I guess that wasn't necessarily the best place to hide them, but I thought it would do for the time being. I see I was wrong," he explained. I nodded but said nothing.

"It isn't anything to be embarrassed about, Bella. You didn't do anything wrong. It was actually quite amusing when it came down to it."

"I'm just glad to know I wasn't thinking about…I mean there is absolutely no way we could have…"

"Of course not, the sisters were looking out for your future, as far as you told me, you vehemently refused to partake in the purchasing, but they insisted. You were only human, after all, you literally _couldn't_ refuse them if they really wanted to buy you lingerie."

I sighed in relief and Edward looked at me quite strangely.

"I'm just relieved that I wasn't insane as a human. I thought that _I_ had bought them, thinking that you and I could…be _together_ and obviously that would have been utterly impossible."

"I think you will find, Bella, that your current insanity and the level of insanity of your human days are about tantamount," he replied in teasing. I glared at him, feigning anger and he only shrugged at me. We both knew I wasn't mad.

"Well I guess that insanity works to my advantage," I returned, "because I think we both know that I won." I smiled at him in reference of the challenge he had posed to me earlier and his obvious crushing defeat. To my surprise, he laughed.

"Oh please, you think that constitutes _winning_?" he inquired with a sardonic smile.

"I had you shaking," I contested. At this he laughed as well and I felt myself become frustrated.

"Dearest Bella, if this was a contest of physical reactions, I think we both know I could more than make you shake," he said with a confident grin. I opened my moth to respond and found I had no voice to reply with and so shut it immediately after.

"Either way, I am going hunting today because as I'm sure you've noticed, I need it. So I didn't know if you wanted to come with me or if your hunting trip yesterday was enough for you," he said nonchalantly. It occurred to me that Edward had barely left my side since the previous afternoon when I had gotten home. I didn't know if it was because he genuinely wanted to be with me so much of if he was just afraid that things would change if he went away for too long. I couldn't say I blamed him. This was the first time since I had changed that I was acting friendly toward him in the least bit. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to finally have that back.

But as far as Edward told me, I had done just as he had, waited just as he was, when he had come back for me. I had known this limbo. I didn't remember it now, but as far as Edward was concerned, he didn't mind waiting for me. It was only fair, he told me. He couldn't expect more of me than I was able to give, and I had been so patient with him when our roles had been reversed. And so I could understand why he didn't want these moments to end. Who knew when he would have more of them?

But of course I did. I knew what I was doing. I had seen the difference in his demeanor this past day, watched how easily he smiled, how free he seemed. It both lightened and killed me knowing how much my affections swayed his mood. When I wasn't with him, I could understand why Rose had said he was just miserable. I could also understand why he said he didn't want to burden me with his happiness. He was literally overjoyed every moment we spent together today and as soon as the idea of being without me had entered his mind, the hunt I assumed, he seemed less enthusiastic.

And on top of Edward's very obvious change I disposition was my own selfish motives. I liked spending time with him. I had been reclusive at first because I wasn't sure how to handle myself or what to do with my new body and old relationships. But now…it was that wholeness, that sunny, ridiculous feeling that made me feel like nothing was missing and I could finally just _be_. I didn't know that kind of strange contentment existed and now that I had found it, in Edward—who else?—I didn't think I was quite ready to give it up.

So I told Edward that I would love to come hunting with him. And without any further ado we set off, just leaving the house and running off into the woods together, following a similar path as I had the day before. I was aware of Edward's constant presence, as unobtrusive as it was. He wasn't ever right next to me, but I knew he was always there with me somewhere, behind me, in front of me, somewhere off to the side.

And I realized that his literal proximity mirrored our figurative relationship as it stood at the moment. We weren't always together, excluding the past day, but I had always known that if I needed him he wasn't far. He never drifted from my thoughts for very long either. He was always there, in some way or another, even if it wasn't right with me. I liked that about him. He respected my boundaries before I had ever found out what they were. And while it had unnerved me at first that he knew me so well, better than even I did for a long while, I liked that he understood my motivations without my having to explain things. It made my insecurities about being different, about being someone no one knew and couldn't connect to dampen.

We hunted in silence. I was happy to take down a deer, my thirst being as sated as was possible for one so young as me. And so I was content to just watch Edward hunt. He was standing perfectly still, his face blank. He was listening, letting the smells of the world fill him. I inhaled deeply as well, trying to catch an idea of what he was looking for. I smelled the same pine as near the house, but a deeper, richer smell from the mountains nearby, the hard granite and limestone, the tiny, sweet ground cover flowers and then, distantly, something rich and hot and tempting. I saw his face flicker with a smile, something between a triumphant grin and snarl. He had found his prey and in the next second he was gone. I remained still and closed my eyes to listen. I could hear him running, hear his feet finding the ground over and over again and then in the distance, heard him hit the ground with whatever he was chasing. From the sound it made I thought it was a mountain lion, but I couldn't be sure. Moments passed where there was something akin to silence. There was never _real_ silence with the acuity of my hearing, but beyond the wind, and the rustle of tree boughs, and the distant screech of some bird, there were no sounds. I enjoyed that utter nothingness.

Minutes went by and eventually I heard Edward's slow approach. He was walking instead of running. When I found him with my eyes, his had returned to their normally glorious topaz. He grinned at me, any evidence of his most recent meal gone from his face or hands. He had even managed to get the bits of ground cover from his clothes and hair before returning. In other words, he was unbelievably gorgeous.

We found the other a few feet away and looked at each other for a long time in that same almost silence, neither moving. It wasn't intense, or filled with that charge that lingered between us sometimes. It was easy, companionable quiet, no need for words.

We walked back home, hand in hand, still silent.

There were more days, countless days in fact, in which time passed in a way that I was unfamiliar with. It wasn't that strange fast pace, neither did it drag on. It seemed like since that first day with Edward, since we had become inseparable as I noticed we suddenly were, life seemed to progress in this strangely normal and wonderful way.

The only strange thing was the frequency with which I was still remembering things. I remembered something new every few days, sometimes it was innocent, something from my childhood, my father, something from when I lived with Jacob. But other times it was things that were harder to ignore.

Things like when I had tried to break it off with Edward and felt so sick as I tried to convince him I was no good for him, or when Emily found out about Edward and I and I had to beg her not to tell anyone for fear of Edward's life. It killed me every time I felt something like fear or pain in regards to him, in any way, a memory or anything else. But these memories were strangely coupled with memories that weren't so bad, like the first time he told me he loved me, or when he fought with me, and told me he wasn't going to let me go.

I asked Carlisle about my many memories and he seemed as perplexed as I was about them. He didn't understand why I had so very many of them and neither did I for that matter. It didn't make sense. At first we weren't exactly concerned because I had memories just like they did, but as time went by, I was steadily accumulating recollections that surpassed the number even Carlisle had of his human life. He was the oldest, had the most time under his belt as a vampire and he could remember a dozen things from his human life, at best. A dozen had come and passed in numbers and I was nearing thirty distinct memories by the time I brought it up to Carlisle. He was puzzled but didn't seem worried.

We had discussions about the paradox of our being over the weeks that came, Carlisle and I. How strange it was that we had so few memories of our human lives, but we remembered speech, grammar, the names for things. It didn't make sense that we were able to retain those things but events were not stuck in our minds the same way. Carlisle postulated that perhaps it was because those things were housed in different parts of the brain they were affected differently by the change, and as far as any of us knew, that was possible. It was the only theory we really had as to the mystery of the missing memories we had.

I tried my best to just go with the motions every time another one hit me, let it sweep over me and watch as whatever scene unfolded before me, let myself experience whatever emotions were attached to it and then when it was over I always found myself gasping, trying to find my equilibrium again. But I always did. I always managed to find my way back to the present reality and store that memory into my mind to have and use when necessary. Since the first few, the devastating ones that had ripped me to pieces inside, I hadn't been fazed by them with the same intensity. Nothing had knocked me to the ground in a long while, until of course, I got a particular memory that surprised me more than any other.

The boys were all playing around outside, playing a ridiculous game of catch where they tried to see if they could throw the ball far and fast enough that neither of the others would be able to retrieve it before it hit the ground. Of course Edward, with his miraculous speed, always came back with a triumphant grin and ball in hand.

I felt the familiar sensation of a recovered memory sweeping me. I let it take me over as I had learned to do without fighting so as to make it easier. The more I fought, I had fond, the more likely I was to fall over. So I just let it ride over me, taking every inch of my concentration and focus with it, giving me something to see, to feel, to know about myself.

And for a moment I was confused as to my own memory. It didn't seem to make sense. There wasn't so much to see as there was to feel, so much going on in my own body, utter fireworks. And then I realized what I was remembering.

Edward and I making love.

The memory ended thankfully a moment after I had realized what was going on, but when I was propelled out of it I literally got to my feet and stumbled forward without thinking. I stopped after a few steps and stood there, my mouth agape, my breath coming in ragged gasps. My body was still in that euphoric, inexplicably pleasurable sensation and it was like being paralyzed. I couldn't move. I heard voices, Alice and Rose asking me what was wrong but I hadn't the strength to answer them. I didn't know _what_ to do.

"Bella?" I heard Edward's angelic voice from somewhere and I panicked. My body was already so on edge if I saw him now I was sure I would go over completely. I could feel every single inch of my skin tingling, still not having come down from the high I had been on just seconds before, in my memory at least.

"I'm okay," I assured everyone, my voice sounding like it was passing through water to my still ringing ears. I didn't know what was happening to me at that moment, but I felt like I was on fire, and not the painful fire of the change, but a delicious, twisting, horrible, wonderful fire. It was all I could do to keep from meeting Edward's eyes. I breathed in slow and deep, trying to clear my head, but mostly clear my body of this feeling that wouldn't subside. It was like I was trapped in that moment, that singular pleasure. It was making me insane.

"Another memory?" Edward asked as I heard Emmett yell to Jasper and then chuck the ball for him into the woods. He had stopped playing his game to make sure I was alright. I didn't want to ignore him but if I looked at him, he would know, and more so, if I looked at him, I was going to lose all control over myself.

I nodded wordlessly to his question, realizing I was sure to look completely insane, refusing to look at him, only at my feet. I could practically feel the look he was giving me, partly confused and the other part worried. He didn't know what to do with me when I was like this, distant and unresponsive, but I couldn't very well tell him the truth of it. It was absolutely mortifying to not only have seen that, but to have _felt_ it in such perfect detail, to suddenly understand all the want and need I felt for him in such perfect clarity. I had been with him, my body knew his on a level I could never have understood until now. There was the love of course—that was present in any memory I had of him at all, no matter the actions taking place—but this physical need, this corporeal magnetism he exuded suddenly made so much more sense.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked. Just then I decided I might have the strength to look at him, which I found a moment later was an utter mistake. Looking at his perfection, the beauty that was Edward Cullen, I couldn't breathe. That same swell of feeling that had enveloped me the moment before—fire, need, want, inexcusable desire and that same _love_ that I didn't understand and didn't know if it was real but felt anyway when memories like those passed through me. And for a moment Edward and I only stared at each other, me completely frozen by the ideas and feelings threading through every cell I possessed and Edward looking puzzled but still just standing there, not making a single move in one direction or the other.

And then the moment was broken when Jasper emerged from the woods. I noticed his shape coming from betwixt the trees of the darkened forest and he stopped immediately and dropped the ball without thinking.

Edward's face perked for a moment and then he looked utterly shocked. He didn't look back at me for a long moment, probably listening to Jasper's thoughts, which were obviously tuned to my feelings. It was like he was reading my mind third hand. I couldn't stand it. I felt simultaneously angry and completely horrified and embarrassed. I didn't know what to do or say, and so I simply turned and walked away, leaving the silent conversation going on behind me, leaving Edward's curious and stunned face, and going into the house, the only haven I could think of. Edward wouldn't confront me about my feelings there, not when Carlisle and Esme were sitting near me, not when his mother and father were there to hear the conversation.

But the moment passed and even though I was seated in the living room, near Esme and Carlisle, who were reading books together on the couch, saying nothing but sharing space in such an intimate way I was tempted to look away and not disturb such a display, Edward came in and gave me a look, one that meant he wanted to talk to me, desperately.

"I…" he started. I looked at him. "I understand," was all he said. And then of course I remembered that he had told me that he had received memories of a similar nature. He had to see us together, just as _I_ had just seen us together.

"Edward―"

"Could we not have this conversation in front of Carlisle and Esme?" he asked. I swore internally. They had been my safety net, my back up plan in case the conversation—or my startling range of emotions—got out of hand. But he had asked and I could hardly say no. He didn't know I was using them as a backup and it was truly only fair to be honest with him. Leaving him in the dark about my memories or depriving him of the truth of my emotions when he had been so honest about his own was unfair. I wasn't about to leave him only to the second hand interpretations of Jasper's empathy abilities. So I nodded in begrudging acquiescence and got up, following Edward's careful footfalls to a room upstairs.

He led me into the large ball room, the one with his beloved piano and the rows upon rows of books. His feet stopped on that marble floor and he turned to look at me.

"You don't have to be embarrassed, Bella. I remember what that was like, suddenly being hit with that kind of memory and knowing…knowing we made love and not remembering anything else…well, I can understand that kind of confusion," he said, wringing his hands. I had never known him to do such a thing, act so very anxious. It wasn't like him. But I also knew that it wasn't just confusion felt. He would have learned that quite quickly from the stream of thoughts Jasper was having.

"And I just wanted to tell you that I…I know what those feelings were. They were reactionary, remnants of the feelings from your memory; I didn't take them as anything else. I didn't want you to think I was going to…take them the wrong way, okay?" he asked. He was trying to tell her that she didn't have to be worried that he was assuming something was there that wasn't in reality.

How wrong he was. Of course the first of it, the initial wave of emotion was brought on by the memory, and for that reason I knew I wasn't going to be able to look at Edward without literally jumping on him. But the second time, the time Jasper had felt, no less potent or overwhelming than the first, had not been because of a memory. It was because for the first time, I had felt that same desire I must have known so long ago. It drove me crazy just thinking about it, remembering what that felt like—the absolutely overpowering need to have him touch me, just once. It would have shattered me. I knew it, and I couldn't think of a way to tell him, to make him understand. Obviously I wasn't afraid he was going to turn me away, that was never my fear, it was only that…I didn't know what to do here. I wasn't sure how to be close to him. He had accepted the space I put between us, understood what was acceptable and what was not. I didn't mind his light affections but I could see it when he refrained from doing something he wanted to do because he didn't want to overstep his bounds. What could I possibly say to him that made him understand that some of those lines had been pushed back?

But it must have shown on my face, that I was thinking so intently about it because Edward's expression changed to one of blatant curiosity. He turned his head in that obnoxiously adorable way he did when he wanted something and I couldn't help the stupid grin that spread across my face.

"I…" my voice failed me. I looked at him and prayed he would only comprehend my wavering single syllable for all it was meant to represent. And for a moment it seemed it was lost on him and then a slow, easy smile graced his face and he looked at me with those golden eyes smoldering.

"I understand," he told me. And then he took the two short steps between us, put his ivory hands on either side of my face, and kissed me.

And I had been right, I _was_ shattered. His lips moved against mine and I was utterly destroyed with each and every miniscule movement. I felt my body react on its own and grab at him, pulling him as close as possible, crushing him to me, my arms around him securely as one of his own slid up around my back and into my hair, giving me the most intense full body shiver I had ever experienced. I felt my own emotions crash in on me with every moment we remained in contact, his perfect lips on mine, dragging away my sanity with their incredible kisses.

When I finally pulled away from him, reluctant as I could possible manage to be but unable to keep from throwing out the _rest_ of my boundary lines if I didn't, both Edward and I were panting, breath ragged and erratic. I inhaled deeply for a moment and was lost in the heady scent Edward exuded. I didnt know how he had managed to know exactly what I meant when I had spoken a single word, or how easy and perfect it had seemed for to just be kissing me instead of across the room, or right beside me maintaining his distance.

"Well that was―" I began before Edward's lips found mine again, beyond reluctant, absolutely refusing to let go of mine. He pulled me close again and actually began pushing at me gently, his steps echoing mine on the marble floor until my back was against the wall. I had thought we were close before, but with something behind me now Edward's body was literally flush against mine, every line of his form matched to mine, not a single space between us. When his lips found my neck I almost cried out, but remembered myself for a moment, miraculously, and knew that everyone in the house and outside it would hear and I didn't feel like explaining myself. So I managed to keep mostly silent, my fingers twisting knots in his shirt. Eventually I just couldn't take it and grabbed his face in my hands, so like what he had done only a bit more roughly with my lack of control, and held it for a moment.

"You need to stop doing that," I warned him. He growled in an amused and triumphant way and found my lips one more time, this kiss gentle and teasing, a shadow of what his earlier kisses had been. This one was meant to be different, not to remind me of the others but to communicate something completely separate. He was telling me, again, for the thousandth time, that he loved me. I was closer to loving him back in the single moment than I had ever been before, but I couldn't lie to him, until I felt that chest swelling, leg shaking, heart melting emotion I had felt in memories, I wasn't going to say it, or make him think I meant it through my actions.

"I have been wanting to do that for so long now," he told me. I smiled. He leaned into me again and pulled me close, yanking me from against the wall so I was only leaning against him. I laid my head on his shoulder, noticing, not for the first time certainly, how perfectly I fit there.

"I'm sorry," I replied. He shook his head lightly.

"Never, ever apologize for something that led to a kiss like that one," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice. He wasn't willing to ruin the moment by bringing up anything intense or deep. He wanted this to be light, to be easy. And to give him credit, it was. There was nothing to think about for that long moment other than that I was wrapped in his arms and he had just kissed me, a sensation that even replayed in my mind was enough to make me feel like I was going to fall to my knees if he wasn't holding me upright.

"I still don't understand how you managed to figure me out when I didn't even bother to explain myself properly," I said quietly. Edward withdrew from the embrace he had created and looked me in the eye, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

"You forget that I have known you for a while now, Bella. Your expressions haven't changed much. That one you just had, even without the explanation, clearly shouted 'kiss me'. And of course, how could I say not o the most beautiful woman in the world?" he asked in reply.

"I wouldn't expect you to," I teased. I felt him laugh, that same chuckle from somewhere in his midsection. It made me smile to feel it, to know I had made him laugh or smile.

"I feel like I should reiterate something to you, Bella. I know you need your time and your space, but I wanted to tell you again, that I love you no matter what, no matter how long it takes or what we have to get through before you decide you love me again, if you ever do. If I ever believed in anything it's that you and I are meant for each other. There is no other explanation for the way we are than that. Fate didn't put us together in such a way in such a place, didn't bond us together so incredibly and irrevocably if we weren't. And for that I am willing to wait for you. And if the day ever comes when you want me to let you go I will hate it, but I will do it for you. Because I love you that much. Nothing else matter to me but you, Bella. Nothing. You are the most remarkable woman I have ever known and I love every last thing about you, even when I know you don't return the sentiment. That kiss…that meant me to me than I could ever possibly explain. There are no words for what you give to me ever day, or what I feel right now. It is more than any man has the right to expect from life. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, or heap something onto you that you don't need, just to make you understand. You always seem so perplexed that I love you so, or that I have no trouble understanding why you need time. I understand all of that more than you think, I told you I went through it all myself.

"But, Bella, I need you to promise me one thing, if you please. The moment it happens, the moment you decide that you love me, please tell me. The one thing I didn't understand for the longest time was how hard it was for you to wait for me, how much effort it took for you to see me _every day_ and not being able to just have me the way you wanted to, the way you used to. I do it _because_ love you, but it's the most difficult thing I think anyone could ever experience. So do you think you could promise me that?" he asked. For a moment I neither spoke nor breathed. And then I leaned up and touched my lips to his, answering his question and promising him without words. I didn't think that if and when the moment did come I would be able to refrain from telling him about it, from rejoicing with him, from letting him know so he could be happy again. Because as he had just explained, he wasn't going to be truly happy until that moment. And how could I blame him, it wasn't as though I had been some girl to him. I had been the love of his human life, the woman he died for and a woman he changed and lived as a vampire for. How could I expect him to just shake that off and be okay just being friends?

The answer of course was that I couldn't. I knew he wouldn't be able to do it, and for that matter, neither could I. I was unable to think of him as just a friend, because he never had been, even for a moment. Since the first time I had seen him he had been something so perfect and meaningful I hadn't been able to express it accurately. Watching him enter that room, bare-chested and then suddenly being pulled into that feverish, loving embrace had made my whole body freeze in a sort of subconscious knowledge of who he had been to me. My body had known, always known, even if my mind didn't.

And that feeling of knowing had only been confirmed when he kissed me with such ardor, my body had responded without my even knowing. I had grabbed him, needing him so much more than my mind was willing to admit, but I had gotten what I needed in that moment, his closeness, the sensation of his body against mine. And he had seemed just as desperate for my closeness as I had been for his. I had been right to stop him from that slow, horribly wonderful torture when he was kissing my neck. We would have ended up making love right there on the ballroom floor. And while at the moment I was sure it wouldn't have been a horrible thing I didn't think I was ready for what that would mean between Edward and I. I wasn't going to ruin something that so far had been perfect by giving in to something I wasn't sure I could possibly handle at the moment. And that kiss…those several kisses, were more than enough to sustain me for the moment. Not for very long, as I discovered, now that I knew what he could do to me. It was less than a minute later, after my single kiss that he smiled at me in the playful, triumphant, unbelievable way and he kissed me again, something I had no choice but to give in to. It went on for far longer than I should have let it, because by the time I managed to pull away I could feel my hands twitching with the desire to touch him.

He growled at me again when I pushed him away, but we both knew it wasn't out of anger.

"You are a tease, Isabella," he accused.

"Proud of it," I retorted and then darted out of the room with the dexterity afforded to me in my vampire form. He drove me crazy, it was only fair if every so often I could return the favor. I heard him sigh in his exasperated way, but even then I knew the smile he would have on his face. He truly was the most beautiful creature I had ever known, in this life or any other. I understood what it was that had made me love him in the first place as humans. He had never treated me as anything other than his equal, anything other than a woman that he respected and cared for. It was that exact thing that drew me to him in the first place and it was that once again that was making it so hard to resist him now. But I managed it, under some sort of miracle, and we walked down the stairs, having cleared something up and found Esme and Carlisle watching the stair case in amused inquisitiveness.

"Do we want to know what kind of conversation you couldn't have in front of us?" Carlisle inquired, mirth coating his voice. Edward shook with a silent laugh.

"Bella and I just needed to clear some things up, nothing to worry about," he assured them. I heard his voice and watched his lips form the words, perfectly spoken as they were. And when Esme turned her questioning eyes on me I only smiled and nodded, not trusting my mouth to speak the words I wanted it to. I could hardly tell them what had just occurred. 'Well, Esme, your son and I just had a discussion about love, and more poignantly, we had a discussion about your son waiting for me because of his love, and then he kissed me so thoroughly, that another single second would have broken my resolve and I would have stripped him down right there'.

Somehow I doubted that would go over very well. So she just accepted my smile and we walked back outside, where all this madness had started and were greeted by a few strange looks and Jasper's calmer face. Edward disappeared from my side to continue the game he had been participating in before I had gotten another memory back, but not before placing a less than covert kiss on my already tingling lips. I sat with Rose and Alice who stared at me for a moment with incredulity in their eyes and then both laughed.

"You know, we told you to spend some time with him, thinking he would perk up. I didn't think you would be going at it," Alice said with an impish smirk. I opened my mouth in protest and she cackled.

"Alice! We are not _going at it_ we just kissed," I explained. Rosalie scoffed and Alice rolled her eyes.

"Bella, I can tell you with absolutely certainty that Jasper never looks at me like he did just a few minutes ago if all he wants to do is _kiss_," she told me. "So if you two didn't actually do anything, one of you _must_ have been thinking about it."

"It wasn't on purpose!" I exclaimed. They exchanged looks and then glanced my way. "I remembered, uh, something. And it was of an…explicit nature…I of course didn't mean to but then Edward was there and he was so close and I just…I mean…" I didn't finish my sentence, only left my last words dangling in the air, begging to be understood instead of needing to be explained. Alice's eyes lit up like fireworks.

"Bella, tell me you did _not_ have a memory of you and Edward…together," she said quietly. I grimaced. She burst out into hysterical laughter and Rosalie joined her less than a second later and they literally fell all over each other trying to keep from hitting the ground. I didn't know what was so funny, after all, I had just about jumped Edward before, being outside after feeling that way. Of course they thought it was hilarious.

"Forgive us, Bella, but the idea of you reliving that kind of experience and then having to run away to keep from grabbing Edward by the shirtfront is incredibly amusing," Alice explained, her body still doubled over in laughter.

"Not to mention the look on Edward's face. He looked so shocked and then incredibly embarrassed, I didn't understand at first, but now I get it. Can you imagine poor Jasper walking into that mine field? He leaves and comes back to Bella's post together memory bliss and confusion and desire…and then Edward getting a read on that…absolutely priceless, Bella. Really, I don't know how you manage to be so continually amusing," Rosalie said with laughter in her voice.

"Its not as though it's on purpose," I reminded her. She went on to tell me that because it was accidental was precisely the reason it was so hilarious. I glared. They only laughed more.

Eventually the boys got bored with their game and each came to claim their match, Emmett snatching Rosalie right off the steps into a swinging hug, to which she succumbed utterly, laughing like a child. Alice and Jasper were less affectionate than Emmett and Rosalie, although their type of intimacy was similar to Esme and Carlisle's—it was understated, but not missing. You could see in every move they made they cared for each other, it just wasn't so obtrusive. But Edward and I were somewhere in the middle of that. We weren't so forward with each other as to be touching or kissing all the time, so like Emmett and Rosalie but there was this unspoken agreement between us that somehow translated into the comfort we both got from physical contact.

As Alice and Rosalie moved from their positions near me, Edward replaced them, putting his hand over mine with a sly smile. He brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it before sighing and leaning over to me and kissing me in earnest, something chaste and not at all reminiscent of the kisses we had shared not long ago. Those had been filled with the pent up tension and passion that had been stored up, every day that we spent together but didn't let our feelings, whatever they might have been, manifest. I could only wonder what of those kisses had been lingering from the game we had played.

But in the end I couldn't deny that his passion wasn't the only driving force there, after all, it had been my initial reactions that had set this whole debacle in motion. It wasn't exactly a disaster, as Edward had said, anything that led to kisses like those could never be defined that way. But it was causing me so much embarrassment I wasn't sure how to handle it. Edward, for his part, took it in stride. It isn't as though he didn't hear what was being said by the girls over on the steps while he was standing less than twenty feet away from us. He knew what I had just admitted to Rose and Alice, and I was sure Emmett and Japer did too, as though Jasper wasn't already aware. But he didn't seem fazed by the idea of anyone knowing, he only seemed to be concerned about my embarrassment.

"Bella, what are you acting so shy for?" he asked quietly. "It isn't as though my family…_our_ family, has never seen us kiss before," he explained.

"Oh I know, but it's new for me," I replied. He smiled knowingly. And then without warning he snuck his lips onto mine again and kissed me, more fully and with more force than the moment before. I was left gasping when he pulled away.

"Edward…" I said. He just smirked, obviously very pleased with himself. I rolled my eyes.

"And you call _me_ the tease," I said sardonically.

"I never said I wasn't," he answered. I growled at him and he only laughed more at me.

"You're cute when you're frustrated," he told me that same smoldering fire in his eyes.

"Funny, _you_ aren't cute when I am frustrated," I retorted. He smiled again, triumphant.

"I could always frustrate you more, see if that changes your perspective," he suggested.

"I think I'll pass, I don't feel like making any more of a spectacle of myself than I already have today," I said rolling my eyes. He raised his eyebrows. Without warning he was so close to me, his lips pressed to the hollow below my right ear, his perfect lips against my skin. My breathing stopped. Not that it was necessary exactly, but it made me feel better to breathe. Now I couldn't manage a single intake of air. His lips found the thin skin of my neck and I felt him smiling against my skin as I gasped suddenly when he kissed me there and nipped playfully.

"You're evil," I told him.

"Only returning the favor," he replied. So he _hadn't_ forgotten about my stunt.

"That wasn't very nice of you, you know," he reminded me. "You knew I would never cross that line, taking advantage of my chivalry…tsk tsk…" he trailed off, kissing down my neck and then back up, finding the corner of my jaw. I opened my mouth, tried to speak and found that mind had ceased to function correctly.

"Should I stop so you can form some sort of argument?" he asked, breathing next to my ear, making my body erupt in a delightful set of shivers. I swallowed hard. Now that our positions had been reversed I felt utterly remorseful about the torture I had subjected Edward to. I couldn't imagine what it had been like for him, having me so close and _not_ touching me. At least I knew I could turn and meet his lips or touch him all I wanted, at that point, Edward was just too chivalrous to cross any lines, even to relieve what must have been an almost physically painful need.

"You're not…being fair," I managed to whisper.

"Whoever said I had to be fair?" he asked, his lips finding the corner of my mouth. I wet my lips, trying to make them work, make myself speak. I just couldn't.

"Give up?" he asked, his breath wafting over my face, practically into my moth so I had to taste him. I shook harder.

"Absolutely not," I replied in a whisper. I felt him shrug, he was so close, before he leaned in and kissed me for real. It was literally all I could do to keep from pulling him as close to me as I had in the ballroom. It was utter conflagration. It was only the polite cough from Alice that made us separate. I felt my body shake as I looked up at her, trying to seem innocent. She smiled at me, this utter knowing smile and Edward laughed to himself. Obviously she had thought something. She and Jasper made their way past us into the house, Emmett and Rosalie gone for the moment. I turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

"She didn't believe you, that we didn't…'go at it' to use her wording," he explained. I growled at her from outside and heard her tinkling laughter from inside the house.

"Please, as if those few minutes would have been enough time," I said casually. It was enough to see the look on Edward's face to have spoken so, the expression on his features so utterly shocked. He cracked up, hysterical laughter filling the air and I watched him laugh with a small smile of my own. He was beautiful when he smiled.

"You are the most ridiculous woman," he told me. I shrugged. Edward laughed again, quieter this time. He took a long moment and just looked at me and I stared back. His hands found mine and he brought them to his lips. That little gesture left me utterly breathless, as any of his other kisses had. There were times when the passion behind his kisses made my whole body go insane, but it was the times when the needs of his body were put aside and it was his heart that made his decisions. This was one of those times, and small as the gesture was, I could see it. I smiled at him and returned the action, kissing his palms. It was another time when he understood that not all things that needed to be understood could be spoken. He seemed like he grasped the concept I was trying t convey—that I cared for him, deeply. It wasn't a lie. It wasn't love, something I wanted so desperately to be able to give him, but it as something. He looked down at me with appreciation in his eyes. Beautiful Edward, he was wonderful in every way, he knew what I was trying to say without my having to say it.

"When you're ready, Bella," he said softly.

"Edward?"

"Yes."

"You're my best thing, you know that right?"

He looked down for a moment at our entwined hands, squeezing them lightly in his and breathing out a slow sigh.

"Bella, I don't think there is a more accurate way to describe what you mean to me than those very words," he replied, still looking down. I lifted our entangled hands and lifted his chin just the barest amount. He smiled softly.

Before any more words were spoken between us Alice called for him to come in so she could ask us a question. And of course we obliged, entering the house and going along with the day to day things of our family.

But even still I couldn't help but glance down at our hands and think about the promises therein

I didn't know exactly what was going to happen between us, but I knew that right there and then, his fingers intertwined with mine, the promise of tomorrow with him, and every day after that as well, I was so, unbelievably happy. I looked at him, the sparkling eyes, the glimmering skin, the quiet, contented smile and I knew.

I could do this forever.


End file.
